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steph's Diary
Part Four
`When I grow up I'll be stable'
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 31 16:43:29 2000]--
From: (S) Something's Shining (steph)
Subject: A New Year
A new start, and a new diary. There had to be, really, for it feels as if my
world is changing again. I say `feels as if', for in reality very little has
actually changed. I wish, somehow, that I could better document my emotions,
and the chain of events over the past two years or more that brought me to this
point, but I'm too private a person for that to happen here or for the benefit
of all but one or two close and trusted friends.
Perhaps, some day, I will tell you, and you will see how it all began on a
fairly ordinary evening one November when I met some new friends. Then, as the
story unfolds, you will realise as I did that perhaps it didn't begin that
evening; perhaps it began earlier. Perhaps it began in the Turf in Oxford, or
perhaps it began with a party somewhere near St. Neots. Perhaps it was the
company of dear friends one fireworks night, or perhaps it was further back.
Perhaps it began in a cafe on the West Bank, whose owner told us how his friend
had been killed by the Israelis. Perhaps it began that Freshers' Week six
years ago when I first found likeminded Cambridge people. Or perhaps it would
always have been this way and it began twenty-five years ago, in St. Mary's
Hospital Kettering, when the small bundle of flesh that was Owen Stewart Dunn
took his first breath.
Maybe that is a story I simply won't tell you, but if I do, when I do, judge me
kindly.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 31 16:48:15 2000]--
From: (S) Something's Shining (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm sure there are more sensible things to have done after being up all night
than this. After the new sun had been successfully wound up on Castle Mound,
and those who needed looking after had been looked after, I walked out to the
Grafton Centre. There I bought a mattress, which I proceeded to take home and
sleep on.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 01 18:03:31 2000]--
From: (S) Something's Shining (steph)
Subject: Is
Last Thursday, I cried. The trouble is that inside I haven't really stopped
crying yet, but I feel as if I've exhausted all the shoulders I trust. I skirt
around them, at once desperate for comfort and afraid to ask for it, wishing in
some way that I were able to give more and take less. And in the meantime I
play cheerful and exhaust myself further while the world taxes me further.
If you've been reading my diaries for a while, you'll remember that some time
ago I had some cognitive therapy. This helped me feel good about myself with
respect to a large number of things, and in particular stopped me feeling
guilty for needing friendship and comfort when my life wasn't wonderful. At
the moment, however, I rather seem to have forgotten that training.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 01 23:43:40 2000]--
From: (S) Something's Shining (steph)
Subject: Is, Later
Of course, if people really are annoyed at me, I should find out rather than
wibble in here (and potentially cause extra damage), so I shall do that.
It's odd. An evening's Star Fleet Battles with David and Andrew appears to
have had the opposite effect on me from the one I was expecting; instead of
coming out of the evening tired and irritated, I feel quite refreshed by the
couple of hours' worth of card and number shuffling. I'm not entirely
convinced SFB is to be recommended as a universal clear thinking aid, but it
would appear to have helped.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Feb 04 12:12:39 2000]--
From: (S) Visions and Revisions (steph)
Subject: Strange things
Someone's written a GPLed X server in Java:
http://www.jcraft.com/weirdx/index.html
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Feb 04 16:11:01 2000]--
From: (S) Visions and Revisions (steph)
Subject: Ooh
I think it might have been a bad move to question the benefits of the company
QA system in the presence of our dear Quality Manager. I have a strong
suspicion now that I'm going to be singled out for Corrective Ideological
Reprogramming...
Hey ho. She's nice enough, but definitely someone with whom you want to have
your ideas well marshalled in advance ;-)
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 07 00:34:31 2000]--
From: (S) Toast and Tea (steph)
Subject: Is
Went with Ben and Clare to Kettle's Yard today to see the N01SE exhibition
there. Apart from being an excuse for k3w1 spelling, this was the umbrella
under which were gathered a variety of pieces of art, media, and scientific
experiments connected with modern digital technology. Morse code transmitted
from the nearby Whipple museum and displayed on a row of backlit LCDs, a
`Talking Heads' experiment in which two computers invent a language to describe
a small environment, `The Poseidon Adventure' played backwards...
Very strange, but oddly illuminating. The most moving thing was the church
just over the way, which had been fitted with a sound system playing the sound
of the National Grid. It _felt_ electric, and sounded maybe something like a
heartbeat. The heartbeat, perhaps, of one of the more modern of our gods.
Associated with the same theme was an exhibition on `digital images' at the
Fitzwilliam Museum, looking at the ways real artists have used small dots or
lines to make up whole pictures as computers do these days. It was striking
how similar some of the speckled prints seemed to the attempts of xv (a Unix
graphics program) to render colour images on a black and white monotir...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 08 10:06:19 2000]--
From: (S) Toast and Tea (steph)
Subject: Is
Today is a grey day. It's not that pleasant outside and I'm not particularly
cheerful in myself either. For a change, or at least for a change with respect
to recent events, I don't think there's much of a reason for this. It's just
grey.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 08 10:34:25 2000]--
From: (S) Toast and Tea (steph)
Subject: Is
I've decided to take over the Finance Director's office. It's quieter than
mine and has a window I can stare out of. It's got a better chair too. I
wonder if he'll mind when he gets back?
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 08 15:08:40 2000]--
From: (S) Toast and Tea (steph)
Subject: Aww!
I've got a little web server running on my Psion and it's just served up T.S.
Eliot's `The Waste Land' to itself. It's _sooo_ sweet ;-)
The web server is actually just perl's HTTP::Daemon module, and currently the
only thing it can serve up is Eliot (well, that or 403 Forbidden, anyway) but
it's nevertheless quite a pleasing demonstration that perl's socket support
works on EPOC...
Also far too sweet is the following question one of my users has just sent me:
> Do we have a snail mail address Owen?
>
> A training organisation has asked for it, to send some course info., rather
> than send it to my email address.
>
> Let me know if we do! I didn't know such things existed.
:-)
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 09 09:20:54 2000]--
From: (S) Toast and Tea (steph)
Subject: Was, Calling
Strange. While many people who wouldn't normally have been there came along
(LNR, Emma Burt, Andrew M, Ian & Marisa) we had none of the usual Gallery lot,
nor indeed Kit, Oliver, or John S.
I should have enjoyed it, but I found myself feeling gloomy by around midnight
and left with Clare's recommendation of hot chocolate. I could analyse further
why I was unhappy and why I chose to leave rather than stay, but I don't think
it would be particularly useful; it's certainly true that the music was being
very strange, and sometimes rather too loud for my poor ears.
Subject: Was, Dreaming
`There is nothing to fear in the Dreaming. Only that which we bring with us.'
And what did I bring with me? My boss appearing on mono to send me messages
containing animated gifs... A message from LNR congratulating me on being able
to spell LNR (apparently most people spell it LOI)... Other stuff. Nothing to
fear, but plenty to get seriously confused by.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 09 11:42:07 2000]--
From: (S) Toast and Tea (steph)
Subject: Is
Source: <MLYYK> "Faves : Anakin"
> I have a haircut.
>
> I'm not convinced he only took half an inch off the top like I asked him to;
> looked closer to 3/4 to me while he was cutting it. Unless appearances can be
> deceptive and barbers know this better than humans do, in which case it's
> probably an error to get a human to judge what to tell a barber to do. Um.
Which reminds me of a lovely item on `In Touch' last night. For those of you
who aren't quite as addicted to Radio 4 as I am, this is the weekly programme
for the blind.
The question is, what does a blind person say to the hairdresser? If they have
very little idea what they look like beforehand, how are they to say how they
want their hair? A hairdresser (in Brighton, IIRC) has come up with the
innovative idea of providing raised moulds of various sorts of hair styles,
which the blind person can then feel and get an idea how it looks. It seemed a
strange idea to me, but to a blind person who only ever really knows what
people's faces look like by touching them I can imagine it would be superb.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 09 15:32:36 2000]--
From: (S) Toast and Tea (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, one doctor's appointment made, on the basis that my mood is going up and
down like a yo-yo, and we've definitely seen this before. (It's entirely
possible the doctor will tell me that there's nothing wrong and I'm just a bit
under the weather, but I'd rather trust making that decision to a trained
professional than to my own flawed reasoning.)
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Feb 12 13:21:50 2000]--
From: (S) Toast and Tea (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, once again, I feel too stupid to operate computers. I've ported
rfbcounter (a very simple VNC server) to EPOC, as a starting point to getting a
proper VNC desktop server on my Psion. However, to test this I need to set up
some sort of dialin service on one of my machines. But can I understand pppd
in order to arrange this? Nope.
(It admittedly doesn't help that I threw away a configuration that was almost
getting somewhere because Steve said `oh, just use mgetty, it's all magic'.
For `magic' read `even more likely to be entirely opaque'.)
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Feb 12 15:55:58 2000]--
From: (S) Toast and Tea (steph)
Subject: Is
Eek! I've got a window on my desktop which is being drawn by by Psion.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Feb 12 16:00:09 2000]--
From: (S) Toast and Tea (steph)
Subject: Is
I think the plan has to be to find (a) food and (b) people now, or I'll go mad,
see if I don't.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Feb 12 23:54:50 2000]--
From: (S) Toast and Tea (steph)
Subject: Was
Thursday was tiring, mostly spent on the phone to people in other countries
(the US, the Czech Republic) trying to explain to them things they didn't seem
likely to understand. I managed to escape work, shattered, at about six. The
evening was CUSFS, and the familiar loneliness hit me, left me staring fixedly
at a small part of the table, and in the end forced (through induced paranoia,
among other tricks) me to go home in search of sleep.
Friday at work ought to have been recovery from Thursday, but I had a headache
all morning and found I couldn't concentrate on anything, let alone computers.
`With the fairies', as my mother would put it. I spent the afternoon in bed
and felt better for it, making it first to Clare's for coffee and Guardian
crossword (which we got a fair bit of, and I got at least some of), and then to
the Gallery. My mood swung freely around from quite happy to utterly dejected
for most of the evening.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 13 12:22:29 2000]--
From: (S) I'll let go of you gently (steph)
Subject: Was to Is
When I was a child, I was extremely self-reliant. I could amuse myself for
hours on end with books, computers, electronics, trains, writing, drawing,
building... Early on, I did have friends, but when later I was at Prep school
and didn't really see anyone except my family outside school time, it wasn't a
problem; I usually had some mad scheme which would cheerfully chew up my
evenings and Sundays, and there wasn't really any need for anyone else.
Later, around sixth form time, I found a new bunch of friends, and we'd often
gather on a Sunday or at times in the school holidays for roleplaying and
miscellaneous faffage with computers. It was definitely fun but I didn't feel
I depended on it, didn't feel it was something I had to do.
When I got to University that state of affairs changed, a bit in my first year,
and a lot from my second year onwards. With only small gaps, where I recovered
my lost self-reliance (and independence, I suppose), I felt I needed to be in
company to avoid the dreadful unhappiness of being alone. (Of course, when I
was depressed, I found it just as easy to be dreadfully unhappy while in a
crowd of friends.)
In those days it was relatively easy to find company. I lived in the centre of
town, as did many of my friends. These days, though, I'm out here at Greenend
and all my friends are scattered fairly randomly around Cambridge. Except for
parties, nobody comes here, so when I want or need company I have to go out,
visit people, and risk feeling as if I'm intruding. (Of course, entertaining
people here would have its own set of paranoias as I'd feel responsible for
ensuring that my guests were happy and having fun...)
I find myself wishing, when I'm feeling lonely but sufficiently insignificant
that I don't want to bother my friends, that I had some of the old
self-reliance back...
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 13 12:44:12 2000]--
From: (S) I'll let go of you gently (steph)
Subject: Is
Not that I believe in St.Val's doodah, or anything, but a quick fiddle with
http://www.lastminute.com/lmn/lmn_valentines_poemiser.asp has come up with the
following, with a little assistance from yours truly.
Be my last minute love this brand new millennium,
Coz your eyes are like saucepans and I want to fry in 'um
I hope that my offer tickles your fancy...
Coz I am like cheese when you are around me
Please do not say that your answer is no,
Or I will sell all my organs to a travelling show
So do not pass up on this fantastic treat,
My cello vibrates to your every beat,
So I guess I'm requesting you're my Valentine,
Consider my offer and drop me a line.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 13 12:45:24 2000]--
From: (S) I'll let go of you gently (steph)
Subject: Is
The rhyme of `millennium' with `fry in 'um' is particularly cringeworthy...
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 13 22:41:16 2000]--
From: (S) I'll let go of you gently (steph)
Subject: Is
CUSFS Formal Hall. Nice enough food, nice enough people, and if I'd just done
Hall all would have been well. I didn't though, and went with the majority of
the party to the following CUSFS discussion on Ken MacLeod. What's to say? I
got a bit unhappy and hence left.
Since this seems to be happening reasonably frequently at CUSFS-related events
(and there is a reason, even if you aren't expected to know it; I'm not going
to go into any detail since if the flawed interactions concerned are anyone's
fault they are mine...) I think the obvious solution proposes itself of not
going to such things for a little while. This has the added advantage of
releasing Monday and Thursday evenings, which can't be bad...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 14 10:42:53 2000]--
From: (S) I'll let go of you gently (steph)
Subject: Is
I've just done a hard reset on my dear Psion 5, which appeared to have become
confused after having been up for nearly a year; Spell (which was never the
most reliable of applications) refused to start up, and occasionally
applications wouldn't die when asked. With all its files safely restored, all
seems now to be well. Hooray.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 14 16:56:12 2000]--
From: (S) I'll let go of you gently (steph)
Subject: Is
Okay, I'm confused now. When I left work on Friday afternoon, gcc had built
successfully so I'd set it building itself before I went home. There wasn't,
alas, enough disc space for this, so I deleted the results today and tried
again. Now it refuses to build, even though as far as I can tell I'm doing
nothing different.... How I love computers :-)
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 15 17:11:43 2000]--
From: (S) I'll let go of you gently (steph)
Subject: Is
I went to the see Dr. Parry this morning, and he did at least say that I was
right to go and see him. On the other hand, there wasn't much he could say for
the time being, beyond the advice to wait a few weeks and see if this is just a
`blip'... Let's hope things improve over time.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 16 11:35:13 2000]--
From: (S) I'll let go of you gently (steph)
Subject: Tuesdays
Last night was the regular Star Fleet Battles game, but David had obviously
gone out of his way to find the four weirdest ships in the Omega Sector
supplement, so we had a hyperintelligent battle computer, a race of cheapskate
anarchists who could program their torpedoes to change target, and a ship of
tree people that could fire coagulating green glop... Although as usual I
was roundly trounced, I had a lot more fun than usual; I was awake enough to
try to plan rather more, and while the plans didn't quite work out I did
manage to make some reasonably significant holes in the enemy ;-)
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 16 15:52:18 2000]--
From: (S) I'll let go of you gently (steph)
Subject: libstdc++ build goes bang!
internal error: error_message(58)
How useful.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 17 11:35:26 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Is
Oh hell.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 17 11:55:36 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Is
`Curiosity wars against mind's self-preservation.'
I've just read that. It seems like a quotation from somewhere but whatever
the case it's very, very true.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Feb 18 09:59:04 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Was, Is, Will Be (`Oh hell')
If you don't happen to be part of the right circles in Cambridge geek society,
you probably won't have twigged what that exclamation was about. Others who
read the appropriate newsgroup seem to have known immediately what I was on
about. I owe it to myself to explain it all here, however, so soon you'll all
understand. (I'll use initials anyway.) Soooo....
A long-standing friend, I, has been going out with M for what must be a fair
few years, and they'd been to all outward appearances one of the stable
fixtures in my social circle. A couple of days ago, M dumped I in favour of
another long-standing friend of mine, D.
Now, I would like to think of myself as some sort of Nice Guy, who tries to be
pleasant and help his friends and not to take sides in situations like this.
My first instinctive reaction, however, was somewhere between annoyance,
unhappiness, and anger directed at D (and later also at M) for having caused
pain to someone I care about, and so there's a very clear conflict between my
ideal reactions and my current real reactions. (I should add that having
encountered M in the pub yesterday evening, the `real' reactions don't appear
to be just fears of how I might react faced with the people concerned.)
Why do I feel like this? Rationally speaking, it's not really any of my
business, and the most I should really do is express the opinion that someone
has made a hasty decision that they'll probably come to regret. I'm not acting
rationally, however; I've been in a depressive state all this month, and it's
reasonable to suggest that in normal circumstances I'd just shrug all this off
and be able to behave in something like my ideal way. (Data point: when last
two friends split up, I had no problems with it, although I'd not known either
of them nearly as long.) Possibly it's in part my traditional negative
reaction to change, and possibly it's partly fear of the explosions and
upheaval all this seems likely to cause in my environment, which is already
quite stressful enough, thankyouverymuch.
More on this later.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Feb 18 12:56:19 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Is
Oh, blithering idiots. The developers upstairs seem to have taken to pressing
STOP-A on their Sun machines at the slightest provocation, rather than
reporting any problems. I despair.
On a different front: mmm, OLE programming with perl ;-)
On a still different front: argh, they've gone and decided to change ISP here
at work. So, plenty of work coming up for me then :-/.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Feb 18 16:18:06 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Is
I wish I were better able to express myself. Whenever I find I need to explain
emotional and personal issues precisely and carefully, it's very hard to get
the language to do the right thing and it takes me forever to write even a
little that seems good enough. But then, I'm not feeling particularly
worthwhile in general at the moment.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 20 12:38:06 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Is
Woken somewhat blearily from half-sleep by the phone calls of the Great
Damerell Hunt -- he didn't apparently make it home last night -- I suppose I
should do the whole waking up thing, pausing only to reflect that I had a
reasonable time at last night's party. Most unexpected.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 20 14:29:11 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, one mystery solved, at least.
*sigh* This is a very flat Sunday. I missed the Archers due to being alseep,
and I've been mostly bored since I woke up. I could consume one of the three
tubes of Parma Violets that are nestling behind this keyboard, but I'd go
completely purple...
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 20 15:26:01 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Is
I suppose that might be considered useful. I've rejuggled everything on my
desk so that tacitus (my ageing 486, but still the heart of my computing
operations here at home, is using the large monitor on the desk and I've
removed another unused 486 and its monitor from my desk so I've actually got
some space to put things.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 22 09:25:40 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Is
Vicky, Simon, James (er, Clark?), Clare, and I went to see `American Beauty'
at the Arts last night, and lo it was indeed very good as everyone and their
pet cinema-going wombat has been saying for the past few weeks. I confess that
it's the sort of film that left me wondering whether I could have got more out
of it if I were more intelligent but that was probably just me being odd.
It's the first film I've seen at the new Arts (`The Arts Picture House', I
should say), and I quite like the place. A coffee bar and numbered seating
means you don't have to stress about queueing to get into the cinema to get a
good seat, and so coffee before the film is a much more relaxing affair. One
thing I would say though is that the walls between the screens appear to be
quite thin; at quiet moments in our film you could hear wisps of music from the
screen next door.
I think it's probably an improvement over the old Arts, whose hard seating and
airless atmosphere sent me to sleep more often than not...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 22 09:30:35 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Oops
Graham Clark, even. Don't ask me, I have no brain.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 23 11:18:59 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Is
Ye gods, yet another moron who wants me to hold his hand through an
installation of Apache. I keep saying `you need to work out how you're going
to package this thing, if you're actually going to make a product out of it'
but does anyone listen? No. At this rate, I can see my life wasted away
playing nanny any time a customer wants our web thing because in spite of the
fact that I complain every time that this needs to be planned and thought out,
NOBODY EVER DOES A DAMNED THING.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 23 11:24:47 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: And...
In other work-related news, we seem to be haemorrhaging employees. I count
five departures I've heard about in the past two days...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 24 11:45:25 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Was
Last night I watched Sleeping In Light, the last episode of Babylon 5, with the
Gallery, and entirely as predicted I went all weepy. What a soppy sausage I
am.
On the walk home I heard a squeak below me, as if I had trodden on a child's
toy. I turned round to observe the object and tried to work out what sort of
toy might be lying in the middle of the path. It then revealed itself actually
to be a small frog by hopping away. Quite how it could hop away having had my
great oafitude's full weight land on it is a mystery to me, and I don't know
how healthy the poor beast was after the experience. It's entirely possible
that I am now a Murderer of Squeaky Frogs, but I doubt I'll be clapped in irons
for this heinous crime any time soon...
The funny thing is that the squeak was _exactly_ that of a child's toy. I can
only guess that frogs, when squashed, work in much the same way.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Feb 25 10:15:30 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Is
Hm. I should probably not expect to feel wonderful after an evening in which I
(a) drank the best part of a bottle of wine, and (b) got something like four
hours of sleep.
I don't feel particularly ill, just not quite with it...
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Feb 25 12:00:36 2000]--
From: (S) And who, and how, art thou now? (steph)
Subject: Joy of the day
Of the following, I have just been asked `does this look OK?':
rsh enctest `cd /raid1 ; tar cf - .` | (/dev/rmt/0m | tar xvzf -)
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 28 10:22:22 2000]--
From: (S) xunil gbizni (steph)
Subject: Weekend
Saturday saw me buy a mobile phone. I don't actually want a mobile phone, so
this was potentially a very strange thing to do. However, it seemed the
easiest way to get what I actually _do_ want, namely mobile data. I took it
back to Manhattan Drive because I'd vaguely planned to go to the oxbridge.tat
meet with Ben and Clare, but nobody could be bothered, so I got the silly
device charged up and found it worked admirably. I spent the rest of the
afternoon and evening fiddling with it, as well as observing Ben's ongoing work
on NetBSD/arm26.
Sunday afternoon and evening saw telly watching at the Gallery, mostly. `House
of Cards' at the beginning and end of the evening, with a top ten of stadium
rock bands (presented by Alice Cooper, who is a very silly man indeed) and a
game of Labyrinth in the middle.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 28 10:24:37 2000]--
From: (S) xunil gbizni (steph)
Subject: Is
How much simpler working life would be if the emotions were governed solely by
the input of quantities of money...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 28 17:05:35 2000]--
From: (S) xunil gbizni (steph)
Subject: Is
People in this office are just maddeningly stupid sometimes. Over the weekend,
I sent myself a test fax from my Psion. It seemed to have been transmitted OK
at the time, but I went up to the printer room today just to check. Not a sign
of it. Rather perplexed, I found the fax machine's daily log book of what it
had received and lo and behold it had received a fax at roughly the time I'd
sent my test. I hunted in the incoming fax intrays again, and then peered into
the bin to their left. Sure enough, someone in this company full of supposedly
technically competent people had taken a fax `for the attention of Owen Dunn'
with the subject `Test', and had seen fit simply to bin it...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 29 09:32:11 2000]--
From: (S) xunil gbizni (steph)
Subject: The above...
It's been pointed out to me that my test was successful in more than one way,
as it's revealed (a) that I need to be more explicit in the wording of test
messages I want to be kept, (b) a human nature problem with work's fax machine,
as well as (c) that the fax machine and my fax software are indeed both
working. Looked at that way...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 29 17:12:17 2000]--
From: (S) xunil gbizni (steph)
Subject: Steph in Ciscoland
mr_cisco 'IOS, IOS, a kingdom for IOS'
steph 'AAA! TACACS, you fiend!'
mr_cisco 'ARA, but I am outside your RADIUS!'
steph '*NHRP*'
mr_cisco 'IGRP my GRE sword and RIP you to little pieces'
steph '*IRDP* I'm BGPing you, don't kill me! ISO sorry! ICMP stand
it any more!'
sword 'IP IPX IP CEF SVC AppleTalk!'
steph\
mr_cisco/'AppleTalk?!'
And fade...
Coming next week: The Three Headed Dog and the Secret Key...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 01 09:25:50 2000]--
From: (S) xunil gbizni (steph)
Subject: Is
That's four edits in a row ending in an ellipsis!!!
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 01 12:48:40 2000]--
From: (S) xunil gbizni (steph)
Subject: Is
After about two months, maybe more, of being more or less fine, I've started to
have significant pains in my hands and wrists again. As things go, that's
probably as disheartening as you can get. I had hoped that the exercises
prescribed by my physiotherapist and the realisation that wearing a rucksack
made things much much worse would keep it at bay essentially indefinitely, but
apparently not.
Possibly it is a passing thing which will go away with lots of rest. However,
lots of rest seems like the last thing I shall get unless I can just spend
entire days doing absolutely nothing, and it seems unlikely that work will
permit me that. In the mean time, I'm back to barking at Dragon.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Mar 04 13:09:22 2000]--
From: (S) xunil gbizni (steph)
Subject: Help!
I'm spodding from someone else's ironing board!
Without any wires, too, which is the glory of wireless networking with my Psion
and the mobile phone I bought last weekend for the purpose...
Hooray :-)
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 07 16:43:42 2000]--
From: (S) xunil gbizni (steph)
Subject: Is
I've not written here for a little while, it seems, in spite of the fact that I
have things to write. Maybe I'll catch up at some point.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 08 02:17:09 2000]--
From: (S) xunil gbizni (steph)
Subject: Is
I can't sleep. This should not be particularly surprising, since I spent much
of the earlier evening asleep in an attempt to make me feel less unwell.
Missed the Calling :-(.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 08 10:54:19 2000]--
From: (S) xunil gbizni (steph)
Subject: Was
Catching up...
Subject: Friday
I had the afternoon off work, as I had to be in the following morning to apply
some patches to two of our Digital Unix servers, so I decided to go and see Toy
Story 2. It's great! It has all the charm of the original, a whole bag of
references (including a very silly Star Wars take-off), and the graphics are
that much slicker than the first film too. My only criticisms: the plot, which
is slightly weaker than the original's, and the song...
The evening saw some crosswording with Clare and later with Ben and Clare to
the Gallery where we, um, mostly sat around and watched telly and PlayStation,
I think.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 08 12:55:13 2000]--
From: (S) xunil gbizni (steph)
Subject: Saturday
The morning was spent at work, the afternoon at Manhattan Drive fiddling with
my Psion (witness the edit a few above) and observing the continued progress of
NetBSD/arm26. At some point we (Clare, Ben, Jacob, myself) ended up playing
Boggle and other silly BSD games until some rather surprisingly late hour...
There were two gatherings I could have been at that evening (the soc.bi meet
and Kirsten's cross-gothing party), but I wasn't really in the mood for
either.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 08 14:23:58 2000]--
From: (S) Sheepdog trials in perl (steph)
Subject: Is
Ben seems keen to point out that he was coding while Boggle was being played.
Never let it be said that I don't listen...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar 09 10:09:14 2000]--
From: (S) Sheepdog trials in perl (steph)
Subject: Sunday
Not much to say about the day. The evening contained a Chinese meal and a game
of Siedler (which I watched rather than played, but it seems quite fun). Felt
fairly low most of the day.
Subject: Monday
The evening's post-pizza gathering at Relativity turned at some point into an
analysis of my hangups. It's unclear to me that this was helpful, but hey.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Mar 10 10:11:39 2000]--
From: (S) Sheepdog trials in perl (steph)
Subject: Tuesday
Went to the doctor's, was prescribed anti-depressants, took one, felt ill.
Subject: Wednesday
Continued to feel ill.
Subject: Thursday
Had got a bit bored with feeling ill by this point, but that didn't stop me.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 13 10:51:50 2000]--
From: (S) Sheepdog trials in perl (steph)
Subject: Is
*sigh* They're chopping trees down outside, again. :-(
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 13 15:22:18 2000]--
From: (S) Sheepdog trials in perl (steph)
Subject: Is
Not just the one tree either; someone in their wisdom has decided to get rid of
most of the lovely greenery that used to shield this (ugly) building from the
(ugly) road and vice versa. Quite apart from the fact that this makes the
place I work less pleasant in general, it also means the sun now shines on my
monitor screen.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 13 15:25:30 2000]--
From: (S) Sheepdog trials in perl (steph)
Subject: Friday
Felt ill. Went to the Gallery in the evening, and possibly played Siedler, I
can't remember.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar 16 17:25:30 2000]--
From: (S) Sheepdog trials in perl (steph)
Subject: Was
Oh dear, I'm catching up again. Well, I went to Oxford on Saturday with Clare
and met lots of nice people. On Sunday there was House of Cards at the
Gallery, followed by Siedlersiedlersiedler (as Emma seems to pronounce it ;-)
). The rest of the week thus far hasn't been noteworthy, except...
Subject: Is
We've got a rack! And it's taller than me, and empty. If I wanted I could sit
(well, stand, probably) inside it and pretend to be a piece of networking
equipment. Until the new Sun E450 arrives, anyway.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 22 12:55:10 2000]--
From: (S) Persil running through my veins (steph)
Subject: Is
The rack now has contents: a Cisco, a hub, two modems, a mux, and a Sun
Enterprise 250. And Lordy, but the Sun is fast. I've been merrily compiling
things up for it and nothing's yet taken more than a minute or so to build...
I don't know if it's the fact that I'm doing interesting things on Unix at the
moment, or if it's the anti-depressants lifting my mood rather, but I'm
actually having _fun_ at work at the moment.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Mar 24 16:28:56 2000]--
From: (S) Dependency (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm bored, just a bit. I've now more-or-less done everything I want to to the
new Sun before other people need to be involved, and I've done most of the work
I can sensibly do myself for the change of ISP from UUNET to PSI tomorrow.
A lot of my reactions to the work on this Sun (which is eventually to be a map
server to the great unwashed masses of the web) have been surprising to me.
Where normally I'd resent having to have endless discussions with people who
don't know as much as I do, I've found myself enthusiastic and willing to help
make things happen in the best way for both myself -- as a sysadmin I want the
system to be reasonably secure and sensibly configured -- and for the people
who will actually be using the machine to provide services. I've made
decisions about policy and how to do things and it's all just worked out
somehow, bringing with it immense feelings of satisfaction and competence.
It's hard to say why this is. I'm very tempted to point the finger at the
anti-depressants, which I've now been on for a little over two weeks, but I
hadn't expected them to have quite such an effect. It could also be that I'm
doing almost exclusively Unix work of the design-planning-configuration sort
rather than anything to do with NT or any sort of emergency response.
If it is mostly the anti-depressants, though, there's an interesting question:
was I fed up with my job because I was depressed or was I depressed because I
was fed up with my job?
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 27 10:36:43 2000]--
From: (S) Dependency (steph)
Subject: Was
Although it took rather longer than I'd hoped, the ISP change seems to have
worked well enough, so hooray for that. The traffic graphs for our old line
are quite amusing; they go from a peaky bursty busy thing to a flatline.
I spent much of the rest of Saturday asleep in bed, before wandering over to
the Gallery to witness the creation of a MONSTER CAKE OF DOOM AND DESPAIR.
While it was being stirred, the ganache was a lovely rich red-brown colour
which you just wanted to drown in. There was certainly enough of it that
drowning was a definite option...
Later, Siedler was played, with the newly-acquired Seefahrer expansion. Just
like Siedler, but with more boats.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 28 11:59:54 2000]--
From: (S) Dependency (steph)
Subject: Is
Doctor's this morning, and my `Oh, these anti-depressants seem to be working'
was met with a `Well, have some more then', so I should stay joyful for a
little longer at least. (In theory there should be a lasting effect after I've
been on the things for a few months...)
Was also prescribed a whole bunch of new glop for my Crap Skin [tm].
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Apr 03 10:02:24 2000]--
From: (S) Dependency (steph)
Subject: Was
Oh dear, have I really not written anything since Tuesday? Well, that's what
comes of being busy and enjoying it at work, I suppose. I've been mostly
helping work proceed on the company's web mapping thing, which went live on
Friday and is really quite good.
Other than that... Um, well it's mostly been Siedler in my spare time, or the
very pretty Sternenfahrer, so I don't really have much to report otherwise.
Subject: Is
Except that I'm still happy and far too bouncy for my own good, thanks to the
anti-depressants...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Apr 03 15:21:41 2000]--
From: (S) Dependency (steph)
Subject: Ants
They seem to be invading. Not only have the Gallery had to spray noxious
chemicals everywhere to kill the little blighters, but Laser-Scan appears to be
suffering too; when I got to work this morning, there was an email waiting for
me entitled `There are ants in the coffee machine!'
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Apr 07 09:58:33 2000]--
From: (S) Dependency (steph)
Subject: Is
Ha, what news? No news. Nothing happened this week.
Yeah.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Apr 19 10:42:43 2000]--
From: (S) Dependency (steph)
Subject: Is
Oops. Having been so busy at work I've not had time to write anything in
here. Not too much of a woe, I suspect, but it's as well to let you all know
I'm still alive and well and happy; if I've not been in touch it's nothing
personal, I'm just busy like that...
So what have I been up to? Well, at work there's http://www.cammap.com/ ,
which is worth playing with if you have a graphical browser that does
JavaScript, at home there's been Tomb Raiding (I'm now in the Sanctuary of the
Scion...), and mostly at the Gallery there's been various varieties of Siedler.
Oh, and I bought Christopher Biggins.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 02 00:41:04 2000]--
From: (S) If ever you remembered me... (steph)
Subject: Is
Oh blast and damnation. I have just written a page or so of text about what
I've been doing for the past week and a half, only to hit some random key or
other and have Mono close the session. It appears to have been lost.
I'm afraid (unless it can be recovered from the bowels of Mono) it's unlikely
you'll get it here now, as I doubt I can be bothered to remember it all and
type it all in again.
Mono is poo sometimes.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 02 00:45:28 2000]--
From: (S) If ever you remembered me... (steph)
Subject: May Day
`Anti-Capitalist' demonstrators have been the source of vandalism and violence
in the centre of London today. I wonder if we could deport them; I'd far
rather have any asylum seeker who's tried to better himself by coming here than
any of these louts.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 02 12:13:32 2000]--
From: (S) If ever you remembered me... (steph)
Subject: Is
We've been bought. Well, nearly, anyway. Yeoman Group plc. have persuaded 60%
of Laser-Scan shareholders to part with their shares, and our Board has now
recommended the rest to agree to the takeover.
It's uncomfortable. While the MD is quite keen on saying that Yeoman are
investing in the people here, the future is all very uncertain now. When the
companies merge, what will the IT infrastructure be like? Will I still be able
and willing to work here when the new regime takes shape?
Strange to be keen to be working here, in a job I claimed to hate some months
ago...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 10 11:45:15 2000]--
From: (S) If ever you remembered me... (steph)
Subject: Tuesdays
For something like the ultimate confusion, I'll document last Tuesday and this
Tuesday in the same diary edit because it amuses me.
Last Tuesday was the Calling, not only the first I've been to in quite a long
time, but also the first Calling I've been to since I've been on
anti-depressants. I had a great time! I managed to have conversations with
people (I usually can't because of the noise, or something), there was a lot of
good stuff played that I could dance to, and I even noticed some conspicuously
gorgeous people, which _has_ to be out of character for me... Fun.
Last night, also a Tuesday, was Star Fleet Battles with David, Andrew, and a
new lunatic called Tim Fitzmaurice. Once I'd managed to make it to the new
Damerell abode (called, unlikelily enough, Lilac Court) we had a good Klingons
vs. Frederation 2-on-2 fight. Again, fun.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 24 10:07:01 2000]--
From: (S) If ever you remembered me... (steph)
Subject: Um
Damn, there should have been something to say in here.
Oh yeah, there was a party, which was nice in that it was spent cuddling
Someone, but not so good in retrospect since it induced Want, and life is far
more pleasant when I don't Want anything.
In other news:
* A pointless graph: http://www.lsl.co.uk/~owend/wibble.jpeg
* A 15Gb disk for my home NT machine
* Finished `The Lions of Al-Rassan' by Guy Kay - it's great!
---------------------------------------------------[Thu May 25 12:31:19 2000]--
From: (S) unnamed road (steph)
Subject: Is
I seem to be having difficulty getting up for work again. I've been late three
times this week, and while nobody else really cares, _I_ do. Maybe it's just
that I could do with more sleep.
Last night was Gormenthingy at the Gallery, complete with an unexpected Clare
(who's going to be moving in there, which makes organising my life so that I
see people more than once in a blue moon slightly easier), and lo, it was
mighty strange. Fun, though.
Subject: Work
My manager is away for the rest of the week, and I'm reminded of why having a
good manager is (for me) a very good thing. Lloyd (for such is his name)
manages the negotiations with people who want me to do things so that I don't
have to, and appears to make decisions even when much of the decision was
mine. There's little difference in what I actually _do_, but every difference
in how stressed or otherwise I feel about it.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri May 26 11:47:58 2000]--
From: (S) implausible unconcern (steph)
Subject: Is
Shock. Horror. I've just installed Oracle, and it has worked. Smoothly.
Without a hitch. Blimey.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri May 26 12:21:47 2000]--
From: (S) implausible unconcern (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, Laser-Scan is now well and truly in the arms of the Yeoman Group. The
Chief Exec, Finance Director, and Chairman have all resigned, and the Board has
a new makeup. All Change, and hopefully not for the worse. We shall see.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 05 12:27:11 2000]--
From: (S) atypical patience (steph)
Subject: Is
A brief respite as the machine that runs CamMap gently trundles towards a new
version of all its software gives me the chance to catch up a bit on this
diary.
Not a great deal has happened, mind. Last Thursday there was the Laser-Scan
trip to Duxford Officers' Mess for free food and drinks courtesy of our new
owners at Yeoman. I'm never very good at this sort of thing, not being the
type to mingle with people I don't know, so I spent a while at the start of the
evening feeling a little lost. Matters improved later, and I managed to have a
number of fun conversations with a variety of coworkers. I also had a rather
enthusing chat with one of the Yeomanites (their ideas man, I think) who was
keen to point out that they wanted Laser-Scan for precisely the things we
already do at the moment, that they're distinctly OS (Operating System, not
Ordnance Survey; the GIS industry can be a confusing one) agnostic, and that
they want to keep our name. Well, it sounded good to me, anyway.
Maybe it was just because they were all drunk, but people kept telling me what
a good job I've been doing on all this web mapping stuff, too.
Friday evening was an excuse to get drunk, at Matthew V's `last essay paper'
minipartyette, and it's probably fair to say that half a litre of port and 2/3
of a bottle of white wine got me drunk. A little maudlin, too, if the truth be
told, but nothing more.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 06 00:51:47 2000]--
From: (S) atypical patience (steph)
Subject: Is
I draw some incredibly fine lines in my emotional life, sometimes. In
particular, there's a vast continent's worth of acceptable vague interest
before you reach the rushing Rubicon of serious interest. Cross that river and
you end up in the land of Too Late, where you're clearly too interested and
nothing can ever come of anything.
For all that the world is a brighter place these days -- I imagine an
anti-depressant called `Lustral' is supposed to make things seem brighter --
it's still the same world with the same map and the same paths to travel, and
although I don't talk much of the cyclical nature of my life these days (of
being strapped to the wheel, or whatever) it does nevertheless seem far too
often that I have been here (and for very many definitions of `here', at that)
before.
It boils down to patience, which as so much else I see as a virtue while being
abominable at actually attaining it; I'm not patient, especially not when I'm
deliberately setting out to be patient, and impatience brings me closer to that
river, that point of no return, faster than nearly anything else.
Of course, since I lack an emotional GPS receiver, I don't actually know where
I really am in this metaphorical world, and for all that I've seen them so many
times before, the landmarks aren't helping. Oh, and my compass seems
terminally confused.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 06 10:03:36 2000]--
From: (S) it kills my health (steph)
Subject: Was
Saturday's fun was Strawberry Fair, which featured:
* Too much heat
* A natty new waistcoat for me
* Throws at L10 a throw
* Liquorice
* No hat acquisition
In general, the selection of stuff on the stalls around the place wasn't nearly
as good as it has been in previous years, but it was still quite fun to wander
around with Clare, Ben, and EmilyC, occasionally bumping into a raft of others
(Matthew V, Emma Burt, most of the Gallery, the sandwich lady from work...),
until we all melted and had to take refuge in Manhattan Drive.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jun 08 18:07:11 2000]--
From: (S) it kills my health (steph)
Subject: Yay
We _like_ the new owners of Laser-Scan. They've introduced free coffee.
Enough said, really...
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 09 12:31:20 2000]--
From: (S) it kills my health (steph)
Subject: Is
Ooh. I appear to be running part of the New Zealand Government.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 10 23:00:27 2000]--
From: (S) images of hope and desperation (steph)
Subject: Is (Party Diary)
steph 'Told you so.'
steph 'There's nothing in it, you've seen this before.'
steph 'But he went _back_.'
steph 'To his beer. Listen to the man. When he's finished getting
drunk he'll be able to do all the things he's been meaning to.'
steph 'An over-optimistic interpretation.'
steph 'Yes, but optimism is what this is all about.'
steph 'Is it? I thought it was lust.'
steph 'In a better mood, you'd say love.'
steph 'Maybe. What'd you have me do? Go back and stick it out, see
what happens?'
steph 'Why the hell not? What do you have to lose?'
steph 'Nothing, or everything.'
steph 'And to gain?'
steph 'Nothing, or everything.'
steph 'So you have no choice. You _have_ to go out there. If
someone's worth anything, they're worth a bit of pain.'
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 12 10:04:47 2000]--
From: (S) images of hope and desperation (steph)
Subject: Was
In spite of everything, I actually had a good party, which is, um, odd. I'm
inclined to blame anti-depressants for my failure to collapse in a wibbling
heap, not to mention greatly appreciated cuddliness from Vicky, Emma-elb30, and
Clare B.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 13 01:13:08 2000]--
From: (S) images of hope and desperation (steph)
Subject: Is
voice provides confirmation
voice provides confirmation
voice provides confirmation
voice is heard to wail in the wilderness
voice speaks of what Was
voice whispers of what Was long ago
voice speaks not, but provides unknowing reconciliation
chorus 'No, no, no, O foolish one.'
voice 'It was...'
steph '...necessary?'
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 14 17:53:06 2000]--
From: (S) images of hope and desperation (steph)
Subject: Is
Not a nice surprise today. Two of our directors (including our big ideas
visionary) have quit, as has the head of Business Development. The Yeoman
bosses are going to try to persuade the directors to change their minds, but it
seems unlikely they'll succeed, and it's certain the company will manage
anyway. Nevertheless, it's not a good thing.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 14 17:54:58 2000]--
From: (S) images of hope and desperation (steph)
Subject: Was
Calling, and while I had fun for a bit, I ran out of energy and happiness at
some point and left. You'd think that wouldn't happen, what with
anti-depressants and everything, but I suppose even happy pills can't cause you
to stop paying attention to the awkward bits of reality.
Hey ho.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 16 09:52:06 2000]--
From: (S) I have always been here. (steph)
Subject: Is
Things unsaid are considered said, but things said are considered unsaid.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 16 11:59:17 2000]--
From: (S) I have always been here. (steph)
Subject: Is
As part of the work on the web mapping stuff here, I've been working with one
of our developers, Aileen. She's a nice enough girl, but she has one very
strange peculiarity: she envisages the UNIX filesystem upside-down. For her,
`cd ..' means `go down a level'. There's no good reason why this is wrong, but
it's something I've never encountered before.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 16 23:56:04 2000]--
From: (S) I have always been here. (steph)
Subject: Is
Cablemodemitude! Gosh it's fast. Wow. Etcetera.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 17 19:03:41 2000]--
From: (S) I have always been here. (steph)
Subject: Is
Today was spent with the Tolkien Society, punting up the Cam to Grantchester,
eating stuff, and punting back down it again. With the aid of anti-sun cream
and a newly acquired hat from the market, I didn't get burned and had a fun
time (although I ended up with a bit of a headache).
I've managed to replace the CPU fan in my downstairs desktop computer, too;
this makes it a lot quieter and makes me less paranoid about turning the silly
thing off. Has to be good.
Oh, and iced mochaccino from Costa is wonderful stuff for the hot summer :-)
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jun 18 01:22:56 2000]--
From: (S) I have always been here. (steph)
Subject: Is (Party Diary)
It is clear that negative reactions on my part to others' behaviour is strongly
based on perceived threat. X acting in such-and-such a way towards Y and X
acting in such-and-such a way towards Z can be completely different things if
it appears that Y is a threat and Z is not. (`Threat' here means something
like `potential person to be jealous of'.)
Feeling unthreatened, I can happily retire from the party going on around me on
the grounds that I'm shattered and I've run out of people I particularly want
to talk to.
This leads us to something, though.
Subject: Attraction
(Ha, you thought I was going to use the L word, didn't you? So did I, but
attraction covers a much wider, and more appropriate, range of things.)
There's a very peculiar balance to be struck when you're attracted to someone.
You can aim to be near them (your own gratification), or you can try to be away
from them (give them space, give them the chance to come to you), but you have
to be careful that you don't spend too much time around them (being clingy) or
make yourself sufficiently distant that they don't think or notice you're
interested at all (being a cold fish).
Of course, I'm useless at striking this balance, so I suppose I ought to be
grateful that I have a friendly advisor who appears willing to answer questions
of the form of `am I being too wossname?'. On the other hand, since said
advisor will be in America in a month's time, I'll cease to have this luxury.
Maybe that would be a good time to stop playing silly games and put ourselves
firmly in the land of Too Late by getting a definite `no', since it's hard
enough to play games even _with_ clues, let alone without.
As is usual, a close friendship is the next best thing I'd like to achieve, but
I do wonder how easy that could be to do this time; I generally fall for people
I know a lot better, and whom I've known a lot longer, so how this plays out
when I don't have that background to fall back on, I don't know.
*sigh* Zathras can never have anything nice.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jun 18 01:24:17 2000]--
From: (S) I have always been here. (steph)
Subject: Is
(That looks like an indication that I've already given up, which is interesting
in itself. It's almost as if saying `if you don't do something, I'll give up
and lose interest' is on the cards...)
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jun 18 01:28:25 2000]--
From: (S) I have always been here. (steph)
Subject: Is
Also (this is going to turn into a long wittering series of diary edits, I can
tell) on the subject of parties, and the leaving thereof:
In the past, when I've left a party, I've had very mixed feelings; I knew I
didn't want to be there any more (for whatever reason), but on the other hand I
regretted not being a witness to whatever might have happened at that party.
These days, I try to leave people with instructions to note anything of
interest, and this works quite well. I get the reassurance or the worry I need
(FSVO need) and also manage to get the isolation / sleep / whatever I was
trying to get by leaving the party.
Life is so much easier in reported speech.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jun 18 01:29:49 2000]--
From: (S) I have always been here. (steph)
Subject: And finally...
Why am I so trenchantly vanilla?
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jun 18 13:13:51 2000]--
From: (S) I have always been here. (steph)
Subject: Is
I've installed VMware on my NT box downstairs, and it's marvellous. I just
pointed it at the existing Linux installation and now I have both a Linux box
and an NT box in the same, er, box. When I get a new shiny machine to replace
my ageing 486 upstairs, it'll do the same thing, except in reverse: Linux will
be the main OS, and NT will be the `guest'.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 19 01:40:49 2000]--
From: (S) I have always been here. (steph)
Subject: Is
I had the (unexpected) opportunity to (unexpectedly) apologise to Janet
McKnight today for being vaguely unpleasant in her direction last night at the
party, and indeed somewhat in general. Not quite sure why this seems to
matter, but it does.
After the Canadian Grand Prix, I went via Manhattan Drive to the Gallery, where
we ate Chinese, were visited by a Sleek Bicycling Super Alison, and watched the
first two episodes of Buffy.
It's still too hot.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 20 02:12:53 2000]--
From: (S) This is the way the world ends. (steph)
Subject: Is
So, that's it, then. A definite `not interested', albeit second-hand. Um, so
what do I do now, then?
My character flaws and inability to do social interaction are more obvious day
by day, and there isn't a great deal I can think of to do about it.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 20 18:57:50 2000]--
From: (S) This is the way the world ends. (steph)
Subject: Is
Oh, when I was in love with you
Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
How well did I behave.
And now the fancy passes by
And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
Am quite myself again.
-- A. E. Housman, `A Shropshire Lad, XVIII'
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 20 19:10:24 2000]--
From: (S) This is the way the world ends. (steph)
Subject: Is
Today's been not nearly as hot as previous days, and it's rained, so it's been
possible to be useful and have fun. Clare and I went to Kettle's Yard to see
the David Kindersley exhibition (lots of examples of his typefaces and pretty
calligraphy and things), and then to the Folk Museum a bit down the road. This
latter was really nicely laid out, with a bit of a theme in each room, and it
had such wonderful things as an old hand-operated food processor :-). Good
fun. A pint in the (nicely quiet and cool) Pickerel on the way back to Queens'
rounded off the afternoon. Well nearly; I spent money in Talking Ts on a
couple of T-shirts, and then ventured into Heffers (buying a complete poems and
plays of Eliot hardback), and was tempted into the fudge shop on King's Parade.
There is quite a bit to be said for spending time with a good friend, not to
mention the obvious benefits of retail therapy.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 24 01:35:51 2000]--
From: (S) This is the day the world ends. (steph)
Subject: Is
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it towards some overwhelming question,
To say: `I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all'--
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: `That is not what I meant at all,
That is not it, at all.'
-- T. S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock (excerpt)
There was a Conversation, out there, on the grass, while doubtless others
watched and laughed -- it doesn't matter -- and all the things that have been
said by proxy were said in person. We know we do not want the world to end, we
know we want to remain friends, but we now also know that a darkness may come.
Yes, maybe I should have said something to him. It was never my intention to
communicate at second-hand, but rather it was just the way things turned out
and I was a coward not to have done anything to change it.
Do I feel any better for having talked about it? Maybe, a bit. It doesn't
change anything (nothing will come of nothing) much beyond increasing the
general level of information available for making decisions. Doubtless what
happens now is he gets involved with someone else and I get horribly jealous
and depressed. It's what's supposed to happen. It's what's _fated_ to happen.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jun 25 00:47:24 2000]--
From: (S) Till human voices wake us (steph)
Subject: Is
Oh dear, I appear to have been crap or ill or something for this year's Veizla.
While I made it there, and maybe even looked vaguely respectable, I ended up
feeling woozy and wobbly and one or more of tired, ill, and depressed. Making
it to the aftermath didn't help much either, and I ordered a taxi home. I got
so annoyed with the taxi nt turning up I ended up walking home (rather slowly,
but apparently safely). Apologies are probably due to some people.
Emotional stuff that would go here can wait until I feel well and have slept
and things.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 26 01:12:22 2000]--
From: (S) Till human voices wake us (steph)
Subject: Is
Like most of the web, this life is under construction. Again.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 26 11:20:05 2000]--
From: (S) Till human voices wake us (steph)
Subject: Is
Mmm. Coffee.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 26 11:30:29 2000]--
From: (S) Till human voices wake us (steph)
Subject: Is
Magically, this diary is now available on the world wide wibble, with thanks to
anakin's golem and tripwire's mconv. See:
http://www.greenend.org.uk/steph/diary.shtml
...for something you've seen before.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 27 02:27:08 2000]--
From: (S) Till human voices wake us (steph)
Subject: Is
I appear to have spent my first day back at work mostly reading soc.bi, which
can't be good, although I suppose I'm allowed to get back up to speed.
I felt pretty down over pizza, although my mood improved a bit over the course
of the evening.
Anti-depressants at the rate of one every couple of days have the distinct
disadvantage that I find it very difficult to remember last thing at night
whether I'm supposed to be taking one or not. You might think that the fact
they have days of the week written on the packet would help -- women always
seem to comment on how like the Pill they are in this respect -- but I seem to
be sufficiently sleepy last thing at night that even just successor(x) is
tricky.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 27 17:00:30 2000]--
From: (S) Till human voices wake us (steph)
Subject: Is
General lacklustre feelings strike, greyness hits. For all values of `you',
it's not you, it's just the darkness.
Don't know whether I can be bothered with this evening's Calling. It would
require resources of glory and energy that I just don't have.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 28 12:02:06 2000]--
From: (S) Till human voices wake us (steph)
Subject: Was
From feeling utterly fed up, I got home and slept for two hours and then made a
concerted effort to have some dinner and drink sugary things. As an end result
I felt vaguely OK to go to the Calling, which I have to say I enjoyed.
Actually, it cheered me up, which is fairly unusual for such things.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 28 17:03:58 2000]--
From: (S) Till human voices wake us (steph)
Subject: Is
http://www.greenend.org.uk/steph/diary.shtml now has all the archives of this
diary on it as well. They'll be available from my mailserver in due course.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jun 29 09:14:37 2000]--
From: (S) Till human voices wake us (steph)
Subject: Is
It's all quiet in the office, because most of my coworkers are away. With
luck, I'll actually get some useful work done today. Assuming I'm not
disturbed by random users, that is...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jun 29 23:34:46 2000]--
From: (S) Till human voices wake us (steph)
Subject: Is
Nobody around to talk to, when talking and hugs would be a really good thing.
Darkness ascends. Prophecies are fulfilled. I'm afraid again.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jul 01 16:12:30 2000]--
From: (S) Give me the freedom to destroy (steph)
Subject: Is
But for a while it is quiet, and the fear remains in the background.
Subject: Was
Empire House is the new home of Matthew Vernon and Jon Amery (and maybe Peter
Corbett later, although I can't quite remember), and I visited it last night
for the first time. It's quite nice, has a small number of random broken
things, and is about 3 minutes' walk from where I live. For possibly the first
time since I was at College, there'll be people nearby I can pop round and
visit (and whom I can invite round to visit me) withot much notice. This is
_good_.
The Gallery is the new home of ceb, and while I've been there many times
before, I went there anyway after a short amount of time at Empire House, and
ended up watching Gareth and Chris juggle silly patterns between them. It
strikes me that the number of different shared interests is one of the good
things about the Gallery; Chris and Gareth juggle, Gareth and James do musical
things, James and Chris narg, and Gareth and Clare can do their nails ;-)
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 03 00:59:57 2000]--
From: (S) Lust in time, and lust in space (steph)
Subject: Was (catching up)
I went shopping on Saturday. I spent L40 on a very pretty blue waistcoat, L13
on a `controversial' recording of the Messiah, L4.50 on getting my watch fixed,
and other assorted amounts on other assorted less interesting things.
Then I took part in a world record attempt: to get the most people juggling
three objects in one place at once. Unfortunately, there were only 140 or so
of us compared to the world record 1600, but it was nevertheless fun and I
walked away with six WebTop sponsored juggling balls.
The evening was spent at Empire House sorting out quotes, taking all the quotes
that have been submitted to me in my capacity as quotemaster@ucam.org and
deciding, with the aid of friends, port, cheese, and biscuits, which were
actually any good and should go in the official quotes file. Good things.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 03 01:04:05 2000]--
From: (S) Lust in time, and lust in space (steph)
Subject: Is
We now have a bit less than one week to start determining the shape of the
future.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 04 00:32:53 2000]--
From: (S) Lust in time, and lust in space (steph)
Subject: Was (more catching up)
A good Grand Prix on Sunday, despite the lack of Murray Walker's commentary due
to him having damaged his hip while out racing, and some good Buffification at
the Gallery later.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 04 16:42:06 2000]--
From: (S) These things should never be spoken (steph)
Subject: Is
There isn't really a great deal to say about life at the moment, really, which
will account for the paucity of diary entries. Broadly speaking, it's not very
good. I'm depressed, I seem to have a near-permanent headache, and I feel
tired all the time. And those are just the physical symptoms.
The change in me is marked. I can't be bothered to help anyone here at work
any more, and I can't motivate myself to concentrate on anything, let alone
actually manage to concentrate on anything. I find myself withdrawing into
myself in gatherings. I find I walk along with some quantity of rage bubbling
within me that makes me want to destroy things: throw a glass at a wall, break
a window, blow my top at people...
It would be lying to say that I'd almost forgotten what it was like, but I'd
certainly forgotten quite how unpleasant it is.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 05 14:31:36 2000]--
From: (S) These things should never be spoken (steph)
Subject: Is
Things seemed better this morning, but now I'm back in mud again.
I wonder if too much Lucozade is bad for you.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 05 17:16:10 2000]--
From: (S) These things should never be spoken (steph)
Subject: Is
The worst kind of depression is the sort you can hear. It's a minor chord in
the front of your mind that's always there and colours everything else grey,
perpetually at the beginning of a song with no melody.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jul 07 00:52:13 2000]--
From: (S) Every waking hour, I will. (steph)
Subject: Is
I took today off because I felt headachey and becolden, and it didn't seem at
all likely I'd get anything useful done at work. The resultant half day spent
in bed was definitely good for me, and I've not had a bad evening (dinner in
the County Arms followed by CUSFS in the Free Press and a brief coffeeing in
Chesterton) either.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jul 07 00:58:28 2000]--
From: (S) Every waking hour, I will. (steph)
Subject: Is
Alice, Alice... It is good to hear some things, cheering perhaps, but
sometimes it is not healthy to hear even good and cheering things. The fact
that a projected past future was good and may have seemed right does not alter
the fact that the present and present future do not match it, and it is over-
optimistic now to imagine that they may ever do so.
I thank you nonetheless.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jul 07 15:40:05 2000]--
From: (S) Every waking hour, I will. (steph)
Subject: Is
*sniffle*
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jul 08 23:57:44 2000]--
From: In a word... overrun (steph)
Subject: Is
For a while we were absent. We gave way to the part of us that can stand
aside, float above it all and watch. We heard all the voices, felt all the
conversations ripple around us, waited. We threw glances where they could
be thrown when they could be thrown, stayed silent, in the hope that a word
would come of elucidation. It could not have been asked for, for an absent
observer cannot break the illusion of absence by interacting, but it was
necessary. In main part, it was what we were there for.
This is what it always comes down to, this is what it is always fated to
come down to, this is what happens at this part of the cycle. It is
necessary, part of some plan of which we are unaware.
Whatever may have been said, it should have been apparent that elucidation
would not come as a word, for in the universe of human emotions it is
actions that speak loudest. It should also have been apparent that
the most probable type of elucidation would break the illusion of absence
and bring me to my senses. At that point, I had to leave.
I hate jealousy. It is the least worthwhile of emotions, and one of the
hardest to cope with because it usually occurs concurrently with other more
positive emotions, most notably love. If one loves someone, one wishes the
best for them, wants them to be happy, would not want any harm to come to
them. At the same time, if their happiness is achieved with someone else,
this causes one pain. Pain a gut reaction to which is to cause pain back.
Maybe that's the bit I hate most: that there is a part of me which wishes it
had some way to strike back at that which is causing me pain.
`From morning to night I stayed out of sight
Didn't recognise I'd become
No more than alive I barely survived
In a word... overrun'
-- Pink Floyd, `Wearing the Inside Out'
It is possible that writing this, in particular melodramatically writing it
all in green, is a particularly harmful form of catharsis, but I feel I need
catharsis (and perhaps a drop to drink) before it's likely that I shall be
able to sleep, and catharsis is one of the few actual purposes of this
diary. With nobody else in the house, writing to loud Floyd is possible and
indeed feels particularly therapeutic; it is a relatively safe way of being
uncontrolled, unlikely to harm anyone except me perhaps as my typing when I
am stressed is particulary forceful and RSI-inducing.
Half an hour on, there is one more thing to say before I go. But it will
not be said. These things should never be spoken. Consider it said by
implication. It is still true. It will always be true.
`Because the things you say and the things you do surround me.'
-- Pink Floyd, `Coming Back to Life'
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jul 09 00:44:38 2000]--
From: In a word... overrun (steph)
Subject: Is
Sadly nobody reads this crap at this hour of the night when there's a party to
be at.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 11 23:55:19 2000]--
From: In a word... overrun (steph)
Subject: Is
*sigh* I enjoy Callings. I like the music, and the people, and generally it's
good fun.
However, paying L2 for half an hour's worth of earache and guilt at finding
the music too loud (followed by guilty feelings at having had to leave company
because the noise was hurting too much) is not my idea of superb value for
money. I came out of the Q positively boiling with rage, so Ben is probably to
be thanked for offering Manhattan Drive's cushions as targets; taking my
frustration out on say, a bus shelter, would have been inadvisable.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 11 23:57:47 2000]--
From: In a word... overrun (steph)
Subject: Will Be
Doctor's appointment tomorrow, and the hope that I shall be able to persuade
him that I'm too depressed to be of any use to anyone without the aid of
chemicals. Fingers crossed.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 12 09:52:08 2000]--
From: In a word... overrun (steph)
Subject: Is
Back on the full dose of Lustral for the next three months or so, and
apparently headaches and tiredness are probably symptoms of depression.
More finger-crossing, I think.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jul 16 02:42:32 2000]--
From: Rays of hope, hopes of light (steph)
Subject: Was (catchup)
Thursday evening was spent in the Cambridge Blue with CUSFS and added Clare
(who I think actually is a member of CUSFS now so she shouldn't count as
`added' any more really) and her friend Lucy, who is coming to Cambridge to do
a PhD in biological computing or somesuch. We were without Matthew V., Mark
Waller, Richard K. and LNR, because they were at Empire House trying to help
consume some of the beer left over from the housewarming last weekend; I'd
donated half a pint's worth of help to them earlier in the evening.
Friday evening saw a Chinese takeaway at Relativity with Richard K., LNR, and
Matthew V., followed by my pootling off to a surprisingly empty Gallery. Only
Gareth and Chris were there, but there was South Park to watch and quantities
of juggling to do, so that was OK.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jul 16 02:44:35 2000]--
From: Rays of hope, hopes of light (steph)
Subject: Was
I forgot Wednesday evening. Dr. Who. Vampires being driven back by faith in
the Revolution. Nicholas Parsons.
No, really. Nicholas Parsons. I never knew he had a face.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 18 16:00:07 2000]--
From: Rays of hope, hopes of light (steph)
Subject: Is
A marginally improved mood due to anti-depressants doesn't entirely remove
feelings of depression.
Weaving night out of twilight, the world continues in its course.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jul 20 11:11:44 2000]--
From: (S) Dark reveille (steph)
Subject: Was
Horribly behind again. More catching up.
Saturday was David McKnight's party, out in deepest darkest Cherry Hinton.
It's a pleasantly long walk out there, and while I had a good time there -- for
one thing, Janet was being inexplicably cuddly at me -- others weren't; Matthew
V left early, and then the party sort of collapsed a bit after Emmet threw up
the bottle and a half of port he'd consumed earlier.
Sunday. With all the Gallery types in London for a barbecue, I spent most of
the day at home, tidying up for the evening's Sunday Roast to which we'd
invited Matthew. Although Steve cooked far too much food, what we could eat
went down well and we rounded off the evening with coffee, port, silly
PlayStation games (notably 4-player Circuit Breakers), and some American
pointy-toothed-angst cop show.
Monday. Pizza at 7a, port at Relativity.
Tuesday. I discover that Gareth and Emma have split up. Christi and Andrew
split up. Siedler at the Gallery.
Wednesday. Dr. Who, and it's Sylvester McCoy in `Happiness Patrol', a quite
sinister story rather spoiled by the presence of Bertie Bassett as the main bad
guy. Actually, the Candyman (aforementioned BB character) looked suspiciously
like a recycled cyberman to me.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jul 21 09:27:27 2000]--
From: (S) Dark reveille (steph)
Subject: Last night
The evening started well; I popped round to visit Matthew on my way home from
work and we chatted while I juggled at him and he played the euphonium at me.
I enjoyed the beginning of the evening's CUSFS pubmeet, too; it was in the
Haymakers this week, which was pleasantly close to home, and which serves
Addlestone's cider. I drank too much (well, two pints - my tolerance was never
particularly high), became excessively maudlin about stuff and things, and went
home.
Once there, I wibbled pointlessly at ceb, obo, and rjk, to all of whom thanks
and apologies are due.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jul 23 19:13:19 2000]--
From: (S) Dark reveille (steph)
Subject: Was (Friday)
I'm unusually stubborn sometimes. Particularly, it would seem, when there's
something obvious I need to do, and an obvious deadline by which I need to do
it. Sufficiently stubborn that it took getting drunk and having unhappy
conversations with people to work out what needed to be done. Once that was
established, of course, the deadline was clear.
So on Friday I asked a question I should really have asked several months ago
and got an answer.
So now I can proceed to sort my head out, and work out just how much of the
inhibitory crap that clutters this psyche of mine is useful, and how much is
rubbish that I've invented on the pretext that I needed to protect myself from
the world.
Might take a bit of doing, though.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 24 16:45:28 2000]--
From: (S) Dark reveille (steph)
Subject: Was (Saturday)
The first part of the day was spent shopping with Gareth, James, and Clare for
a gas cooker. The main thing I got from this was the knowledge that Powerhouse
are very keen to give you free coffee while you browse, although I also learned
that some cookers are wider than others. Both these facts may prove valuable
in later life.
After that, Clare and I pootled off to London for a Prom. After some very
nice takeaway noodles in the park, we went to the Royal Albert Hall and took
our seats for the concert. They were cheap (restricted view) seats, which
meant that parts of the orchestra (woodwind and percussion, that I
noticed) were invisible to us, but the sound was great. The programme started
with some new composition which was a bit too `challenging' for my liking, but
moved on to Elgar's `Sea Pictures' and thence to what I was really there for:
Holst's `The Planets' suite with Pluto added. Great stuff, although I don't
think the newly composed Pluto worked particularly well at the end of Neptune.
Enjoyment was marred slightly by noise from someone in the gallery who was
either very drunk or not quite right in the head, but I still had a great
evening.
Outside the Albert Hall we encountered Yasmin, who had been standing right at
the front of the standing area for the concert, and thus made our way back to
Cambridge with her.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 25 10:05:32 2000]--
From: (S) Dark reveille (steph)
Subject: Is
Sunday was a Sunday with the usual Buffificatory amusements, and Monday evening
was pizza (also known as `let there be lots of latecomers so that we have to
rearrange the restaurant's furniture several times'), followed by post-pizza at
Relativity. Sans Janet or Matthew, the one being somewhere and the other being
in Cornwall, although the latter absence didn't stop us planning for the
Greenend-to-Empire radio LAN.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 25 22:12:42 2000]--
From: (S) Dark reveille (steph)
Subject: Is
And the building of the machine that will house our end of the radio LAN
proceeds apace. In a remarkable display of silliness, the machine has ended up
being called dexter.sinister.greenend.org.uk. Consider it the right hand of
darkness, or something.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 26 23:49:11 2000]--
From: (S) Dark reveille (steph)
Subject: Is
This evening, between work and going to the Gallery for Dr. Who, I went
swimming with LNR. A very good thing both in terms of relaxation and exercise,
so I think I shall make it a regular event.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 01 15:05:25 2000]--
From: (S) Dark reveille (steph)
Subject: Is
I dunno, maybe it's working. It's quite hard to tell how well internal mental
adjustments are accomplishing the goals in whose pursuit they were set in
motion, but if the external manifestation of those adjustments is apparent to
at least some people it's probably fair to say that they're having _some_
effect.
Really, you know, the thing that made me feel most OK about this (trying to
feel comfortable about things that have previously made me uncomfortable, among
other things) is Clare pointing out that however much I may change the way I
think about some things, I'll still remain fundamentally `me'. In an odd way,
not being `me' is something I'm quite afraid of.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Aug 04 15:18:24 2000]--
From: (S) A geek after midnight (steph)
Subject: Is
Tuesday evening was spent at David's playing his giant robot combat game, which
is quite fun. I think I won mostly by sheer luck, but winning is good :-).
Wednesday evening was the Greatest Show in the Galaxy, featuring Sylvester
McCoy's pronunciation of Rrrrrrrragnarrrrrrok.
Last night was CUSFS, followed by a small gathering at Empire House to drink
mead and prod slow Sun machines into life.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 09 09:21:31 2000]--
From: (S) A geek after midnight (steph)
Subject: Is
There was other stuff in the meanwhile (including a party at Empire House), but
I appear to be too much of a lack of effort to have written anything about it
in here.
The Calling was fun last night. The music was mostly good while I was there,
and I got the chance to see Emma, whom I haven't seen for aaaaages. I also
discovered that Elisabeth (sp?) isn't particularly scary, in spite of the
spikes and other miscellaneous metal, is even less scary for having a fluffy
bat named Teapots, and in addition a Good Thing for keeping said bat full of
chocolate-covered coffee beans :-)
(And I'd just like to say that a song that uses the word `parthenogenesis'
deserves several prizes for sheer wossname.)
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 09 09:52:57 2000]--
From: (S) A geek after midnight (steph)
Subject: Is
*grrr* The spam-protection on one of my email addresses has been turned off,
and almost immediately I start getting spam :-(.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Aug 14 10:22:38 2000]--
From: (S) A geek after midnight (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, gosh, etc.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 15 01:13:00 2000]--
From: (S) Pushmepullyou (steph)
Subject: Is
And `well, oh, etc.'
*sigh*
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 15 10:18:54 2000]--
From: (S) Pushmepullyou (steph)
Subject: Is
And I don't suppose it would do any harm to remind the world that Clare is
an utterly wonderful friend to have.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 16 12:23:18 2000]--
From: (S) Pushmepullyou (steph)
Subject: Is
After a day at work during which I got very little done, and spent much of the
morning reading James's diary, I went home and had a nap. It must have been a
good nap, too, for I woke up an hour later feeling refreshed, happier, and
generally more relaxed about my life and things in it.
I then went out to Cheery Hinton to visit Wednesday and David and watch
their DVD of `Perfect Blue', which is just as excellent as when I last saw it
but also just as utterly confusing.
An early walk home in the light rain, a longish message to lark, and a bowl of
cornflakes later, I floomped into bed and slept.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 16 23:18:54 2000]--
From: (S) Pushmepullyou (steph)
Subject: Is
A day of resolve, swimming, and Patrick Troughton.
I got lots done simply by telling myself that it needed to be done, expended
lots of energy by swimming, and had a rather silly evening watching an old
Troughton Dr. Who.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 16 23:46:39 2000]--
From: (S) Pushmepullyou (steph)
Subject: Is
So what's it all about, eh?
When my life gets entertaining in various ways, I turn to my friends for help,
advice, support, hugs, or whatever. I'll tell them what's going on, why it's
confusing, cheering, or depressing, and get back from them an idea of how
sensible my perception of events is, what (if anything) ought to be done next,
and perhaps what they feel about it. Whether it's good or bad stuff that I'm
thinking of, the cathartic effect of telling someone about it is very useful in
letting me think clearly.
A problem with this, though: the cathartic effect seems only to last for a
short while. In the past this has meant I've told more and more people about
something until it's seemed that everyone knows everything about my life and
there's nobody left to tell! While it's probably still true that, in general,
I share more than many people, these days I'm more controlled. I'll pick two
or three people at most to talk to and then leave it at that.
The upshot of this is that this diary doesn't get the really entertaining
stuff, except in highly obfuscated form.
So what's it all about, then?
The disliked becoming the dismissed becoming the unexpected becoming the hoped
for. Revelations and reflections. A change in the weather. Prophecies.
The Towers will burn, and I will start the fire.
Three will walk through fire, and one stand alone.
See what I mean?
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Aug 18 11:05:56 2000]--
From: (S) and one stand alone (steph)
Subject: Is
Do you suppose I could ever be driven away? I care, so I do what I can, even
if that is just hug and listen; it makes me feel as if I can give something
back and help in the same way I've been helped over the years. How could I
ever wish to deny you that?
We wibblyfish need to stick together, you know!
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Aug 20 02:43:31 2000]--
From: (S) and one stand alone (steph)
Subject: Is
I could probably just write banal wibble in here, say that life was as usual,
and the comment would go unremarked by most of my readers. Unremarked, that
is, except by the (by now fairly large) proportion of my readership who've been
around me in the past few days.
*blushes* How to put this? I've attracted someone's interest? I've attracted
someone? I'm attracted to someone and things don't seem to be unrequited? You
get the idea.
This is real life, and it's fraught with practicalities and logistics, so it's
best not to have any expectations at all. Play life by ear, things that happen
will happen, and we'll try to be happy and try to keep people from getting
hurt.
I will say one thing, though. I'm happier now than I have been in ages, and I
know for certain who I can thank for that.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 22 01:01:58 2000]--
From: (S) it all goes flymo (steph)
Subject: Is
Somehow this weekend's been rather a jumble. Parties, barbecue, people. And I
woke up at 5am this morning, so it's probably not surprising that I feel
shattered and maybe somewhat pensive. On the other hand, I know myself well
enough to know that self-analysis at this time of the night is a destructive
and futile pastime.
Sleep, with fingers crossed that some people's hopes are fulfilled.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 22 16:37:30 2000]--
From: (S) it all goes flymo (steph)
Subject: Platform 60 is broken.
This means not a great deal to me, but apparently it's the reason my Virgin
Mobile voice mail thingy isn't working at the moment, as told to me by a
member of the `Virgin Mobile team'. It's One2One's fault (no surprise there),
has been broken for days, and they don't know when it'll be fixed. Hey ho.
It's a good job nobody ever tries to ring me and only one or two people have
the number, really...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 23 01:10:24 2000]--
From: (S) it all goes flymo (steph)
Subject: Is
A Calling, without many of the usual crowd, but I went along because Janet said
she'd be there (and in her new dress too), and it was fun for a while. My mood
slipped though, and I ended up leaving early.
Is life good, or is life not? Am I happy, or am I not?
I seem to have a distinct lack of answers to these questions at the moment,
which is not good, because the one stab at joy life has handed me recently
isn't something that should be passed up. I'm afraid that it's going to slip
away from me because of my depressive tendencies, because I'm weak.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 23 17:32:57 2000]--
From: (S) it all goes flymo (steph)
Subject: Is
No work until Tuesday, which is good. BiCon from tomorrow, which could well be
good but I'm still a mite apprehensive about it. Regardless of my sexual
identity, I'm not entirely sure whether I'll fit in, but I'm definitely going
now. For one thing, I feel I sort of owe it to Matthew, who persuaded me to
go, and to Janet, whom I persuaded to go.
For all I know, I'll come back boinging with rejuvenated wossname.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Aug 24 08:17:17 2000]--
From: (S) it all goes flymo (steph)
Subject: Is
I feel foolish. I was slightly unhappy on Tuesday evening, and I'd only had a
small bowl of pasta to eat. I felt downright mopey the next morning, and why?
Maybe because I didn't have time for breakfast?
I must eat properly, and in that vein I'm off to have some breakfast...
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Aug 25 00:58:13 2000]--
From: (S) it all goes flymo (steph)
Subject: Is
So, I'm at BiCon. Which means I'm either bisexual,
or a bisezual friend or ally. Probably the former,
but who knows what I really am? Sometimes I think I
ought to self-identify as Basingstoke.
Came here in Sion's car, stopping in Loughborough to
collect Janet, and eventually got here in the early
evening.
So far, nothing to report except that a situation
arose in which I handled myself as well as i think I
possibly could. All of which was nothing at all to
do with BiCon and a lot to do with Cambridgey things;
the convention proper starts tomorrow and I'm still a
bit apprehensie about it all, although so far everyeon
has been really friendly and unscary.
Sleep, universal healer...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 29 09:35:57 2000]--
From: (S) sounds like the waves on the sea (steph)
Subject: Is
And now I'm back in Cambridge, and back at work. It feels like somewhat of a
let-down after BiCon, which was great fun. I've a few diary entries to put in
here about it; I didn't put them here at the time because the batteries on my
Psion were running low, so they're currently forming part of three pages of
scrawl on an A4 pad (sharing the paper-space with lots of intensely personal
stuff that I'm clearly going to have to separate out!). I'll write it up soon,
I promise.
I think coffee is required now.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Aug 31 23:48:17 2000]--
From: (S) sounds like the waves on the sea (steph)
Subject: Was (BiCon diary)
Sorry for the delay; I've only just got around to transcribing this.
Subject: 25th August, 2000
It is hard to describe a feeling that is at once relief, joy, love, and all
these things again but vicarious. It is perhaps harder to explain why.
I would leave it at the facts, but I worry about relating here what I would do
better to leave unsaid. So instead you'll have to guess :-).
Subject: 26th August, 2000
Many years ago, the idea that I would find myself in Manchester's GayFest
march, waving a Bi Pride banner would have seemed absurd. This morning I
thought it a fairly pointless idea and really not my thing, but it was in fact
great fun and somehow really cheering. Maybe there is something wonderful to
be found in Identity; even though I don't see my sexuality as necessarily
anything of much interest to anyone, let alone anything to be particularly
proud of, there was a peculiar feeling of celebration. A Good Thing.
Subject: 27th August, 2000
I've just had the strangest dream about being in the Q with Janet and Sion, and
there being some trouble with people at the door, which culminated in an
Eskimo, miscellaneous bricks, and a nuclear strike being called down on the
place. Fortunately things seemed to carry on in spite of the nuclear strike,
and everyone lived happily ever after. Strange.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Sep 02 11:35:21 2000]--
From: (S) sounds like the waves on the sea (steph)
Subject: Is
Mmm. What is it about kissing that makes it such a wonderful emotional and
sexual thing? There's something strangely electric about the touching of
tongues, something about holding someone and sharing a space, something about
the buzz afterwards that is a mixture of taste and memory...
Don't mind me, I'm just idly musing. Mmm.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Sep 02 23:59:10 2000]--
From: (S) sounds like the waves on the sea (steph)
Subject: Is
This morning I was upgrading Digital Unix at work to version 5.0. This
afternoon I was round Janet's new flat, first helping make the kitchen somewhat
more like a kitchen and then drinking wine, eating crisps, and unpacking books
with Janet, Richard, and LNR. Later additions to the gathering included a
somewhat drunk Ian and a sober Andrew, both of whom helped us consume pizza. A
sort of flat lukewarming, if you will.
Subject: General
We are torn. Sometimes we look at it all and, seeing that there is so much to
learn, fear that this is not the time, place, or way to learn it. However we
may really be, we see ourselves as a weak child. I am also strong, though. I
find myself with reserves of understanding and happiness I did not know I had,
and I think, or even know, that now is a time to learn and pursue joy. Of
course it is a terrible risk, but I am beyond doubt (and by quite a way) that I
would rather have been given the chance to take that risk than not.
I am leaving us behind, for a while. We will return, when it is time.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Sep 03 17:05:51 2000]--
From: (S) blown back by the whirlwind (steph)
Subject: Is
At the Gallery. With only me, Gareth, Chris, and Yasmin here it's been a quiet
afternoon, which is just as well as I'm feeling unaccountably weary. Maybe I'm
running low on energy and need to recuperate a bit; I'm certainly being more
introspective and pessimistic than usual, which is often a sure sign of
insufficient food and/or sleep.
Yasmin fed us gammon with assorted vegetables, followed by sponge (for lo,
Yasmin _is_ a sponge) and custard. Then we floomped for a bit and played Robo
Rally, at which (of course) I lost.
James and Jacob have arrived now, so it's time to watch some Dr. Who.
Today's soundtrack albums: Essential Simon and Garfunkel, Dubstar
`Disgraceful', R.E.M. `Automatic for the People'.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Sep 03 22:49:19 2000]--
From: (S) blown back by the whirlwind (steph)
Subject: Is
I left the Gallery at about nine, in order to get an early night, but made a
tactical error when I noticed Sion's car in Relativity's drive and popped in to
see people for a little while.
I got away at about ten, but some combination of things (most likely tiredness)
meant I spent the walk home making myself miserable by forecasting unpleasant
doom in my emotional life. I'm going to try to disregard this and get some
sleep now.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Sep 03 22:51:40 2000]--
From: (S) blown back by the whirlwind (steph)
Subject: Is
I miss Clare.
Hope she's having a good holiday pootling around Europe in trains...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Sep 04 14:32:06 2000]--
From: (S) blown back by the whirlwind (steph)
Subject: Is
I must be getting old. I've just spent a lunch break relaxing by doing the
ironing.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Sep 04 16:52:42 2000]--
From: (S) blown back by the whirlwind (steph)
Subject: Is
The world of work and computers has not been kind to me today. All sorts of
unexpected consequences of the upgrade of the central server at the weekend
(from Digital Unix 4.0d to Compaq Tru64 Unix v5.0, aka the Operating System
formerly known as the Operating System formerly Known as OSF/1) have been
striking all sorts of random things around the building, and I've not really
had time to think coherently about how to solve the problems as a whole rather
than piecemeal.
Still, there's only a little bit of work left for the day and then it's pizza
and post-pizza.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Sep 05 01:54:17 2000]--
From: (S) blown back by the whirlwind (steph)
Subject: Is
`I just cannot parse the language you speak
and you'll never understand me
because I'm German and you're Slovakian
I'll just invade your country.'
-- Elder Sign, `Treachery'
Those words were written Cheddar Gorge style four years ago. They weren't
really meant to mean anything, and yet they keep coming to mind at times like
this: communication breakdown, attack, defence...
What was there to do? I hugged him, and I hugged him, and I hugged her, and
was the best me I could be, given the somewhat awkward circumstances. Now I
just hope that people can get some sleep and some conclusion can be reached.
And me? Some sort of shabby and tainted glory, perhaps, but I take no pleasure
in it.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Sep 05 15:24:45 2000]--
From: (S) blown back by the whirlwind (steph)
Subject: Is
Work has been hectic again today. The miscellany of broken things caused by
the upgrade to our main server at the weekend has not stopped hassling me, and
it seems that I shall have to be in work for 8am tomorrow morning to apply
patches. This may not sit particularly well with a night spent gdancing and
getting drunk at the Calling, not that I'll necessarily let that stop me.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 06 09:48:06 2000]--
From: (S) blown back by the whirlwind (steph)
Subject: Is
A fun Calling, made better by the simple expedient of loo roll in the ears;
it's the first time in a while that I've come away from the Q without my ears
ringing.
And, yeah, other things. Mmmm. :-)
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Sep 07 10:40:22 2000]--
From: (S) Dominion (steph)
Subject: Is
To London to see the Sisters last night. After having got into work at 7:50 in
the morning to (fail to) apply some patches to our still troublesome server, I
was able to slope away from work towards 4:30 in the afternoon and make my way
to the rail station to meet Emma. Meeting up with James, ClareF, Eleanor,
Dan, and a couple of other people whose names I forget at Kentish Town tube, we
ambled to the Forum.
The gig was fun. I think I'll still always prefer the old favourites, of which
they played a fair number, but some of the new stuff that I hadn't heard was
quite good too. Slightly brasher, perhaps, but actually quite good and
certainly not as rough as some mutterings I'd heard had claimed. And as Emma
pointed out afterwards, Eldritch's voice sounds amazingly good for someone who
was operated on for throat cancer not so long ago.
Oh, and as we were lurking outside the venue afterwards, who should I see but
Alex Whitehead, an old school friend (and apparently lark's evil ex from hell).
It's a small world. (I couldn't tell you whether it smells funny or not, as I
have a cold.)
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Sep 07 16:58:52 2000]--
From: (S) Dominion (steph)
Subject: Is of Was
One final thing, too: at the concert, I listened to `Dominion' and felt for the
first time in a long while not the slightest pang of unhappiness, fear, or
regret.
It's over.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Sep 07 21:50:11 2000]--
From: (S) Dominion (steph)
Subject: Is
You're right, I should just sleep. I'm exhausted, and when I'm like this
there's only the downside of everything.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Sep 10 03:03:57 2000]--
From: (S) Dominion (steph)
Subject: Is
It isn't jealousy, and it isn't anger. It isn't fear of loss (for how could
one lose what one never had?) and it isn't worry on anyone's behalf. It is
raw wibble, to be served by invisible Japanese demons at parties, with a side
order of guilt and a garnish of regret.
There ought to be a word for `thinking you're over someone and suddenly finding
the hard way that you in fact aren't'.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Sep 11 01:01:01 2000]--
From: (S) Dominion (steph)
Subject: Was
You probably all know by now, but I forgot to allude boastfully to the size of
my... payrise.
Subject: Is
A good day, featuring The Archers, the Italian Grand Prix, a fleeting Janet
(borrowing a spare telly of mine that I've not really used since I was a
student all those years ago), some Dr Who, and then an evening of random other
conversations. Fun, and relaxing, but I'm still tired, so I shall just go and
sleep.
Goodnight.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Sep 11 01:03:34 2000]--
From: (S) Dominion (steph)
Subject: Was
Um, I forgot. Obo isn't the only one to have made cake recently; on Friday I
produced a chocolate cake involving two bars of Lindt Excellence Dark. It was
lovely. (I'll admit to some guidance from LNR on the production of said cake,
but nevertheless a lot of it was all my own work!)
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Sep 12 09:28:47 2000]--
From: (S) Dominion (steph)
Subject: Is
Last night saw a fun pizza, but with a post-pizza that was less fun, for Janet
was not well and there were other things that were making me uncomfortable.
I sloped off after a while to the computer room and indulged in a little gentle
spodding.
My living room stereo's CD player appears to be going wonky, too. I shall have
to dig out the receipts and guarantee to see if I can get it exchanged.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Sep 14 00:14:14 2000]--
From: (S) Chastiscuity (steph)
Subject: Is
`It does not bother me to say this isn't love
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
And I guess I'm going to have to live with that
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
Something in between,
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean'
-- Counting Crows, `Anna Begins'
Been listening to too much Counting Crows recently, if there is such a thing as
too much Counting Crows. Borrowed from Gareth, `August and Everything After'
has been constantly in the background these past few days, and has had its
lyrics and mood layered with my interpretations and my mood. It seems likely
it will remind me of these times, these few short weeks in 2000... but no, that
is to preempt, and we must not preempt. Let what happens happen.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Sep 14 09:15:08 2000]--
From: (S) Chastiscuity (steph)
Subject: Is
My living room stereo is definitely broken. Attempts to play any CD result in
digital crackly noises after about thirty seconds, which is not good even for
Nine Inch Nails. Fortunately it seems still to be under guarantee, so I shall
pester Scottish Power (from whom I bought the beast) to see what I'm supposed
to do about it now.
Spent a happy while last night observing the assembly of Janet's sofa and bed;
it's good to see her flat really beginning to look like a home.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Sep 15 11:15:54 2000]--
From: (S) Chastiscuity (steph)
Subject: Is
Slight downbeatness in the morning of Thursday improved with fluffy and bouncy
conversations on IRC and an encouraging email from LNR. Although I'd been
vaguely thinking I wouldn't stick around for CUSFS, I was persuaded to stay and
had in fact a very good evening.
I'd been to the doctor's earlier in the day, and he'd effectively recommended
that I stay on the anti-depressants for the next six months or so. This is
good, because I don't have to worry about being taken off the silly things and
crashing when I have more important things to do like have a happy life :-).
I also bought a Scrabble set from Woolworths, because Greenend didn't have one.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Sep 15 17:34:38 2000]--
From: (S) Chastiscuity (steph)
Subject: Is
Departures. The world's shape changes once more, and we are left to watch once
more as it is moulded into something new and different. You'll forgive me if
I'm perhaps a little more sentimental than you might have expected; even the
lightest touch on my life leaves its marks.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Sep 18 00:08:47 2000]--
From: (S) Pro-celebrity lesbian throwing (steph)
Subject: Arrivals
Clare and Ben are back from their three-week pootle around Europe, and it
sounds like they had a great time (or in the case of Switzerland, three times).
Definitely good to have them back around these parts, though.
Dr Who this afternoon at the Gallery, and `Inferno' with Jon Pertwee was a
fun story. Mirror universe and mysteriously unexplained green goo, mmm.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Sep 18 00:14:52 2000]--
From: (S) Pro-celebrity lesbian throwing (steph)
Subject: Is
Also this weekend I bought myself a portable MiniDisc player, so I can have
music on the move without having to worry about the tape wobbling and the sound
taking on that distressing warbly reedy quality you get sometimes with Walkmen.
It's little bigger than the actual discs themselves in size, and about 14mm
deep, so it'll fit nicely in a pocket or in one of the pouches of my bum bag.
I could have gone for an MP3 player, and was indeed tempted, but I don't think
data-based audio is quite there yet and it's not clear to me what standards
will prove popular for storage on and communication with these devices, let
alone how long MP3 will be around. I already had MiniDisc recording ability
on my bedroom stereo, so it made sense for me to stick with MD.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Sep 18 16:55:55 2000]--
From: (S) Pro-celebrity lesbian throwing (steph)
Subject: Is
Hmph. There was a power cut earlier this afternoon, causing a few PCs to die,
various Unix filesystems to suffer minor damage, and me to be unexpectedly
distracted for a little while.
I suppose it's good to know I'm useful...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Sep 18 17:29:13 2000]--
From: (S) Pro-celebrity lesbian throwing (steph)
Subject: Is
There's a little darkness, maybe it's just the weather or the time of the year.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Sep 18 23:46:11 2000]--
From: (S) Pro-celebrity lesbian throwing (steph)
Subject: Is
Little things, compliments on parting. Thank you.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Sep 19 11:26:17 2000]--
From: (S) Fire from unexpected quarters (steph)
Subject: Is
*grr* Criticism at work, from someone I didn't expect it from, is making me
unhappy. It's not just the criticism, or even that it comes from someone
around here I consider `friendly' and `on my side', but rather the fact that
nobody has complained about this in the three and a half years I've been here.
If it's so bad, why the blazing wossnames didn't you say so, Neas?
(Never mind the fact that I suggested sorting this out and was asked to hold
fire as someone else was working on a better solution.)
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Sep 19 11:28:39 2000]--
From: (S) Fire from unexpected quarters (steph)
Subject: Is
*err* Jam at work, from an unexpected quarter.
No, really. Allison from Sales Support has just walked into our office and
left a jar of jam. How odd.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 20 10:35:02 2000]--
From: (S) Fire from unexpected quarters (steph)
Subject: Is
I can't remember a Calling where I've stayed right until the end before. On
the other hand, there's not been a Calling where I've worn a really nice
stroky top with a lace-up neck before either; I went to the Gallery for food
and Crystal Maze with Gareth and Clare before the Calling, and ended up
borrowing one of Gareth's tops. It felt really nice, and lots of people seemed
to think it suited me. So yeah, I can be something of a ponce when I want to
;-).
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 20 17:07:50 2000]--
From: (S) Fire from unexpected quarters (steph)
Subject: Is
Unfortunately, getting to bed at something like 2:30 seems to have taken quite
a toll on my system, with the result that I'm now shattered and want to sleep.
I would do, but I'm supposed to be going swimming this evening, followed by
going for a curry. Much though I'm loath to (because it'll make the third week
I've not been), I think I shall skip swimming and get a nap for an hour or so
before I go out for food, as falling asleep in one's korma is not really the
done thing.
Hm. *fx: frets* I also appear to have offered to inflict some food on
someone, so I'm going to have to work out what and how and things. It could
prove an entertaining experiment for a very much non-cook like me, but my
victim is probably prepared to accept beans-on-toast analogue if it all goes
horribly wrong...
And finally, in a shocking story not involving a fluffy animal, a man came to
look at my CD player today, declared it broken, and took it away to be mended.
So that's good.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Sep 22 17:22:08 2000]--
From: (S) Still point of the turning world (steph)
Subject: Was
I'm catching up again. Wednesday evening would have been Buffy at the Gallery,
but Vicky C is leaving Cambridge for deepest darkest Hatfield this weekend so
she had a curry meet to celebrate (or bemoan?) her departure. With seven of us
it was a quiet but fun little gathering, and we retired to the nearby
Salisbury Arms afterwards. I hope Hatfield and becoming a CompSci both suit
Vicky, even if I am slightly afraid that with LNR doing a part time computing
course at Anglia as well, all my friends will end up knowing more about
computers than I do.
Thursday was the cruellest day, bre... Sorry, too much Eliot (is there such a
thing?) in my system there. Thursday had a mixed evening, starting with a
Gallerying to see Clare and Gareth (and watch the Crystal Maze - woo!) and to
have some food, and moving thence to CUSFS where the usual crowd was sans Ian
(off in Germany for a Linux conference), Matthew V (at his parents'), and rjk
and LNR (in France on holiday). There were still a fair number of us, though,
and a pleasant Garbage-soundtracked post-CUSFS coffee at Relativity with
Marisa, Andrew, David McKnight, and me rounded off the evening nicely.
Subject: Will Be
Apparently my CD player will be returned to me in a working state on Tuesday,
which is good news.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Sep 23 00:40:37 2000]--
From: (S) Still point of the turning world (steph)
Subject: Is
Yay! I made dinner for Janet and myself and it worked and was nice! We ate
food I made, and the wine I bought from Tesco's to go with the food actually
did go with the food. I can cook!
Yay! *bounce* This evening was a _good_ way to end a week. *bounce*
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Sep 23 18:22:41 2000]--
From: (S) Still point of the turning world (steph)
Subject: Is
And today has been a good start to the weekend. I popped over to Milton to
order a new computer from World of Computers, which exercise was distressingly
like ordering a chinese meal but more expensive. Thence here to the Gallery,
where I've spent the afternoon playing with James's new synthesizer (JP-8080,
digital analogue, lovely) and catching up on the Buffy episodes I missed on
Wednesday evening due to currying with Vicky and co.
I'm happy. I hope my friends are happy too...
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Sep 24 00:55:20 2000]--
From: (S) Still point of the turning world (steph)
Subject: Is
Boop boop boop, said James's invitation, come and burn pabulum. So we did
that.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Sep 24 23:35:20 2000]--
From: (S) Still point of the turning world (steph)
Subject: Is
By contrast, today's been less satisfactory. For some reason everything I've
said or done today has seemed or been flawed in some way, and although I got
some useful things done, and did the usual Gallerying for Dr Who, I found
myself just a mite restless and more self-conscious than usual.
I suspect what I could do with is a good night's sleep. Good night.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Sep 26 00:44:17 2000]--
From: (S) Still point of the turning world (steph)
Subject: Is
Hrm. I'd love to be deep and meaningful, not to say cryptic, but it's 00:40
and I really can't be bothered. My mood is relatively good, though, and I'm
feeling reassured after dispelling some minor niggling worries I'd had over the
weekend.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Sep 26 10:07:37 2000]--
From: (S) Still point of the turning world (steph)
Subject: Is
I slept fitfully last night, for reasons I don't quite understand. I can see
why I might have taken a while to get to sleep, but not why I might thereafter
have kept waking up. The final iteration of this was at 6am, when I got
sufficiently bored to go downstairs and get myself a cup of coffee and then
read news for a little while. The coffee had an effect on my system and sent
me to sleep until 8:45, making me late for work. Harrumph.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Sep 26 11:53:13 2000]--
From: (S) Still point of the turning world (steph)
Subject: Is
My CD player has been returned to me, and it is fixed! *bounce*
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 27 00:55:05 2000]--
From: (S) frisson (steph)
Subject: Is
I was feeling rather tired this evening, and it seemed likely I would remain so
as I had not eaten by about 7 and felt as if I had little energy to arrange
anything. When, then, I was phoned by Janet seeking assistance in configuring
her dialup linux box (for lo, she is an embryonic linux chick ;-) ) and offered
food, I perked up somewhat.
One trip across Stourbridge Common, a meal, and a bottle of wine later, and
between the three of Sion, Janet, and myself we had managed to arrange a
working NTL world dialup. Yay! (I was quite impressed by the existence of a
little tool called pppconfig, which does most of the configuration work for
you.)
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Sep 28 09:29:25 2000]--
From: (S) frisson (steph)
Subject: Is
For the first time in a few weeks, I went swimming again last night. It's a
sure sign that the evenings are drawing in that it's getting dark while I'm at
swimming, and it's actually quite pleasant to be swimming in the pool's
slightly dim light while through the place's large windows it is night.
Swimming always leaves me feeling healthy and virtuous, as if I've done
something undeniably good for me, and it's also immensely relaxing just to
tread water and narg.
After a quick (if slightly cold, and I must complain to them about that) meal
at the pool's cafe, I wandered over to the Gallery for the next couple of
episodes of Buffy: `Innocence' and `Phases'. Two superb episodes with some
biggy turning points in :-).
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Sep 28 12:44:28 2000]--
From: (S) frisson (steph)
Subject: Is
*grumble* That was a silly diversion. I installed Service Pack 5 on my NT box
here at work, and then my mouse driver decided to believe that my four button
trackball was in fact a two button mouse. Many reboots and a driver reinstall
later, and all is sane again, but it does just go to show how much I rely on
having sane acceleration and the buttons being where I expect them to be...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Sep 28 17:24:30 2000]--
From: (S) frisson (steph)
Subject: Is
Glumness, for reasons I'm unsure of. I shall attribute it to tiredness and
hunger, and remedy these things, in the hope that it will help.
It can be far too easy not to look after myself sometimes, even though I
clearly owe it to myself and everybody else to do so.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Sep 29 15:45:42 2000]--
From: (S) frisson (steph)
Subject: Is
I have a new computer!
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Sep 29 19:29:22 2000]--
From: (S) frisson (steph)
Subject: Is
And so the transformation is made from an ageing 486 DX2-66 with a tendency to
freeze randomly to a new shiny 800 MHz Athlon. Phwoar, look at the hardware
on that, nudge nudge wink wink, say no more (half-hour kernel compiles).
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 02 12:38:07 2000]--
From: (S) frisson (steph)
Subject: Weekend
Even if you're not very conscious of time's passing, it's sometimes easy to
notice things of the `a week since' variety, so I was in slightly reflective
mood for some of the weekend. With being slightly tired as well, that became
slightly pessimistic, which coloured the weekend a little.
On Friday evening I made my new shiny computer work just like the old one, and
then went off to the Gallery. I can't actually remember what we did, although
I do remember that I fell asleep on their sofa at about eleven and woke up
again at about 2:15 while everyone else was playing Robo Rally. Then home in
the rain finally to get to sleep at about 4am.
Saturday morning was shopping with Clare and Lucy, which was fun if tiring, and
which netted me a couple of nice two-tone shirts (one red/blue and one
blue/black and stroky) and a silk scarf.
Work to do now. More later.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 02 15:26:27 2000]--
From: (S) frisson (steph)
Subject: More Weekend
Early in the afternoon, Lucy and Clare wandered off to do various things before
they went to the Slimelight, and I made my way back home. By mid-afternoon I
was rather too tired to do anything useful, though, so while I managed to get
dressed up somewhat (new blue/black shirt with blue swirly waistcoat and silk
scarf worn as a sort of cravat) I was rather too tired to be very present at
Matthew Vernon's birthday party in the evening.
It was an odd party for the number of soc.bi people who were there (notably
Kay, Red, and Josh), although there were very many of the usual suspects there
as well. Unfortunately Janet was feeling a bit tired and below par as well, in
her case due to having been drinking after her graduation in Oxford the
previous day, and it didn't help the general happiness of the world that a
couple of people insisted on tickling her without asking. Still, it was a
pleasant enough party otherwise, I suppose, and I left early to try and catch
up on sleep.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 03 09:11:29 2000]--
From: (S) frisson (steph)
Subject: Sunday
The afternoon was spent at the Gallery, doing not very much before Dr Who, or
indeed after it either. Clare was sleepy after having spent the night at the
Slimelight, and ended up being dozy on my shoulder. It was a quiet day.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 04 16:57:20 2000]--
From: (S) steak (steph)
Subject: Was
*sigh* I seem to be catching up again. OK. Monday evening would have been
the usual geek pizza meet if I'd felt like it, but I was being a bit below par
and left work a bit too late, so I ended up having pizza in front of IRC in my
room instead. This turned out to be oddly relaxing, such that I was happy and
had a good time when I went to post-pizza at Empire House.
Yesterday evening was the Calling. Janet had predicted that I'd like Sion's
outfit, and she was right. Indeed, they both looked lovely. Gareth was there
for the first time in quite a long while, as was Liz and indeed Emma, both
returned from France with varying degrees of expectedness.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Oct 05 00:17:19 2000]--
From: (S) steak (steph)
Subject: Is
`Passion: it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted,
unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us, guides us.
Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the
source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the
ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live
without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow.
Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.'
-- Angelus, `Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Passion'
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Oct 07 01:39:19 2000]--
From: (S) passion (steph)
Subject: Is
So, Janet's away for the weekend. I really hope she has a good couple of days,
for she certainly deserves it. Meanwhile, I seem to have far too many people
to try and see in the space of my two days this weekend, and I'm not entirely
sure how I'm going to manage it. A tight schedule and a relaxed attitude,
never the easiest of bedfellows, seem right here.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Oct 07 01:55:42 2000]--
From: (S) passion (steph)
Subject: Is
We see things we should not see. We know things we should not know. We have
power that we should not have. And yet we are blind, ignorant, and helpless,
for we can stop here. We need not turn the key that will unlock the secret and
reveal, perhaps, what we truly should not see or know. The strength not to
take that step is a terrible kind of weakness, for the knowledge that we _can_
turn the key will tempt and torment us unless and until we give in.
We have played this game of knowledge and power too often.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 09 12:52:40 2000]--
From: (S) passion (steph)
Subject: Was
It was a weekend which could have been spent in so many different ways. If it
had come sooner, say on Thursday, I would have been sorely tempted to scoot off
to some European city or other to lose and find myself in a very March 7th kind
of way. The world moves fast, though, and since by Friday I was pretty much my
usual self once more, there was no longer a need. There will always be
European cities, there will be plenty more weekends to spend in them, and
perhaps even someone who will join me in spending those weekends in those
cities.
It was a weekend of people. Saturday saw Vicky visiting Cambridge from
Hatfield, so I joined her and Simon for lunch in Rainbow (a small veggie
restaurant off King's Parade) and after a longish wait, the cream of
cauliflower and carrot soup and Latvian Potato Bake were delicious and very
filling. It was good just to sit and chat idly about various bits and bobs
over dinner, and also good to hear that we might see Vicky at the occasional
Calling in the future.
I had Sunday lunch with LNR and rjk in the Castle on a slightly chilly terrace,
followed later by a quiet natter with LNR and later still by coffee at
Relativity, accompanied by the gentle game of exploring etymologies. Later
still, Dr Who and Robo Rally at the Gallery, but somehow I run out of energy as
easily in the day's description as in its living.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 09 17:32:00 2000]--
From: (S) passion (steph)
Subject: Is
Moving through darkness into light, perhaps.
Walking through the doubt into hope, maybe.
Pacing through the rain as I always have,
The cold warmth of Autumn wraps and comforts me.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 10 00:44:29 2000]--
From: (S) compassion (steph)
Subject: Is
We do what we can. What else is there?
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 10 11:39:39 2000]--
From: (S) compassion (steph)
Subject: Is
Urgh. I seem to have a cold, so I'm all sniffles and sneezes. A sure way to
tell that Autumn's here, I suppose. It's not gone to my head, and I don't have
a fever or anything, so I'm still OK to be at work and so forth. It's just a
nuisance, and at this rate I'll have to either buy lots of boxes of tissues or
do a special handkerchief wash. (Er, I think that last was probably more
information than you wanted...)
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 10 12:22:57 2000]--
From: (S) compassion (steph)
Subject: Is
Hm. Misreading messages from Unix programs considered harmful:
> Checking that all in-use mcells are attached to a_fish's metadata mcell
> chain...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 10 12:44:37 2000]--
From: ( ) no diving in the shallow girls (obo)
a_sheep 'So, what have you been up to?'
a_fish 'I've been inventing again, after our recent success.'
a_sheep 'Made anything good?'
a_fish 'Actually, I've normalised time. Much more efficient.'
a_sheep 'Sounds useful. And what's that you have there?'
a_fish 'It's my new Universal Calendar.'
a_sheep admires a_fish's meta-dater.
a_sheep 'Nice.'
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 11 11:59:13 2000]--
From: (S) compassion (steph)
Subject: Is
I spent an evening in last night, for the first time in what seems like ages.
After listening to the Archers, I put a microwave lasagna in and opened a
bottle of red wine while `August and Everything After' played on the living
room stereo. Even though I kept being disturbed by phone calls saying `did you
know the cable modem isn't working?', it was calm and relaxing. After dinner I
finished Alan Garner's `Red Shift' (very good, very atmospheric, but also quite
confusing) and started on `Accordion Crimes' by E. Annie Proulx.
Maybe it was two glasses of wine, but at that point I began to feel a bit
unhappy. Simon and Garfunkel had taken over the stereo and I was suddenly
feeling very lonely. Desperate, almost, to go out and find someone, but that
would have rather removed the point of an evening in. I dithered, made coffee,
and ended up feeling better by virtue of upgrading Debian on my machine. (I
still can't get the motherboard's sound to work under Linux, though, which is
something of a shame since that was really the only thing I upgraded for.)
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 11 15:24:37 2000]--
From: (S) compassion (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, it looks like there are some advantages to Linux's entrance into the
mainstream after all. Out of purest curiosity, I had a look around the random
CD that came with my motherboard and what did I find but a bunch of kernel
modules for the board's sound system! Two insmods later and I had sound.
Yippee!
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Oct 12 11:49:35 2000]--
From: (S) compassion (steph)
Subject: Is
Pizza last night, with Katherine, James, Liz, Gareth, Chris, Ben, Jacob, and
Clare. We were split into three tables, so it was really pizzza with Katherine
and James for me, which was nice enough.
Back to the Gallery later, for an episode of Buffy.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Oct 12 16:48:37 2000]--
From: (S) compassion (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm somewhere between angry and upset. The Israelis are bombing Ramallah, the
large town I spent some time near or in during the six weeks I spent in
Palestine in 1994.
Who would have thought that after all this time I'd still be affected so much
by trouble in the Land?
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Oct 13 17:48:37 2000]--
From: (S) compassion (steph)
Subject: Is
I had no enthusiasm for last night, and ended up feeling vaguely unhappy, and
in the end came home early and had an early night's sleep. Probably just as
well, since I appear to have some of the cold that's been going around. With a
headache all day, I've not been in work, and only really been able to move
sensibly in the past couple of hours. Before that, moving caused my head to
explode and I had to retire to bed to put it back together again.
*sniffle*
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 16 14:28:49 2000]--
From: (S) precipitation (steph)
Subject: Is
It's cold, grey, raining, and the cold I thought had gone away over the weekend
has come back to haunt me. *wheeze* *sniffle* *sneeze*
Laser-Scan's new reception area contains no trace of the Laser-Scan logo or
name, being instead branded `Yeoman Group plc'. So much for the claim when we
were initially taken over that Laser-Scan would be the brand that people would
see because it was well known (as opposed to Yeoman, which everyone thinks is
either mashed potato or Robin Hood)...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 17 03:41:24 2000]--
From: (S) precipitation (steph)
Subject: Is
Still becolden. About fifteen minutes after that diary entry, I gave up on
work for the day and went home.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 18 01:39:24 2000]--
From: (S) precipitation (steph)
Subject: Is
And for much the same reason I didn't go to work today and can't sleep now.
Actually, that last isn't entirely true. I can't sleep now because my mind has
been deprived of its usual dose of human interaction and things to do, and is
therefore now running on overdrive. It presents worries where worries are
unwarranted, rehashes old debates and dilemmas that I've either settled or put
aside, and runs round its little cage in tight, trapped, little circles.
How much worse it would be, though, if my sleeplessness risked waking another.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 18 16:17:41 2000]--
From: (S) precipitationnection closed by forei (steph)
Subject: Is
lsla1a:~/src$ telnet lslsua
Trying 192.9.200.110...
Connected to lslsua.
Escape character is '^]'.
telnetd: open /dev/ptmx: No such device
Foo, as they say.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 18 16:21:48 2000]--
From: (S) precipitation (steph)
Subject: Is
A valueless prize to the first person (except ceb) to tell me why my nameline
was so strange in the above edit.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Oct 19 09:17:20 2000]--
From: (S) precipitation (steph)
Subject: Is
llama wins a virtual Eiffel Tower for correctly guessing that I pasted text
including the following into my session:
> telnetd: open /dev/ptmx: No such device
> .
> Connection closed by foreign host
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Oct 20 11:39:18 2000]--
From: (S) audacious, purifying, elemental (steph)
Subject: Is
I went to pre-CUSFS food at the Castle last night, but with it seeming likely
that Ian, Matthew, Janet, or Sion wouldn't be there, and my feeling not
particularly cheerful either, I wandered over to the Gallery instead. Chris,
James, Clare, Gareth and I played Robo-Rally. Later there was some musical
entertainment as Clare started trying to play the bass.
It's hard to explain how life feels at the moment. Grey, perhaps. Dull,
certainly. There's an unsatisfactory directionlessness to it, as if I'm just
going about routines.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Oct 20 15:55:12 2000]--
From: (S) audacious, purifying, elemental (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm scared. Tomorrow I'm renumbering the entirety of our internal network at
work, and in spite of all the preparation and planning and the help that I'll
have from coworkers, it's still a scary prospect and we're bound to miss
things.
I'm alternating between panicking about the whole thing and trying to relax.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Oct 21 02:02:16 2000]--
From: (S) audacious, purifying, elemental (steph)
Subject: Was to Is
> the knowledge that we _can_ turn the key will tempt and torment us unless and
> until we give in.
And then, when the deed is done and the key turned, we are tormented by our
failure and our weakness. Until this point, our behaviour had been exemplary.
Regardless of how I might cast about to blame myself now, I had done everything
as well as I could with the best of intentions and the greatest of care and
sensitivity.
Life is full of choices. Despite our lapse, there is nothing to say that we
cannot continue to follow the correct path.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Oct 22 00:28:15 2000]--
From: (S) something in a shade of grey (steph)
Subject: Is
At work all day today, renumbering work's internal network, so there's little
to report about the day. After a couple of hours of sleep, I went to Empire
House for a party in the evening. Fun, although I left quite early since
there's still things to be done at work, so I have to be in again tomorrow.
steph 'You look happy. I thought you were depressed at the moment...'
steph 'I reflect these things. We are all mirrors.'
steph 'It's not inherent reflection. It's a consequence of how people
behave towards you.'
steph 'And mirrors only reflect as a consequence of the light striking
them.'
steph 'Point.'
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 23 12:03:48 2000]--
From: (S) something in a shade of grey (steph)
Subject: Was
At work all of Sunday morning, too. Although there was Gallerying in the
afternoon for the Day of the Daleks, and a pubbling at the Maypole for the
first time in ages (most of which Gareth spend marking maths for supervisions),
it felt very much as if I hadn't had a weekend. I was shattered by bedtime.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Oct 26 18:18:44 2000]--
From: (S) something in a shade of grey (steph)
Subject: Is
After a few days of fixing random brokennesses at work subsequent to the
weekend's IP renumbering, I've had today off. I had grant plans of going to
London, perhaps doing some nice clothes shopping in Camden and seeing if I
could find an interesting music shop to browse, but I finally got out of bed
after about 1pm and by the time I'd had breakfast and showered it was 2:15 and
any trip to London would have given me precious little time in which to do
anything.
Instead I pottered around the house, fiddling with my GIrBIL (don't laugh -
it's a little infrared adaptor that plugs into a PC serial port), and setting
up plptools for my Psion so that my Linux box automatically mounts the Psion's
filesystems when it's plugged in. I'd wanted to get this working over
infrared, so that I merely had to plonk the Psion down on the desk and turn it
on, but something (maybe the Psion's slightly ropey infrared support, maybe
plptools not expecting an infrared connection rather than a real serial link)
seems to be stopping that from working. Still, what I have is nevertheless
quite cool.
I was going to say that I've done nothing useful today. This appears to be
belied by the above paragraph.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Oct 27 17:32:26 2000]--
From: (S) something in a shade of grey (steph)
Subject: Is
Back at work today, but it's been a remarkably good day, really. Booting
random systems that weren't working, getting Yeoman Location's web site and
email off the ground, diagnosing random problems with people's web mapping
things. Generally useful things.
And now it's the weekend, and I'm actually going to have a real weekend!
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Nov 01 16:26:02 2000]--
From: (S) but it's not all that easy (steph)
Subject: Was
There was a Halloween party, and a Sunday with some Dr Who. On Monday I
couldn't be bothered to go to pizza and stayed in fiddling with MIDI stuff, and
on Tuesday I was feeling very low for no good reason. Although I was persuaded
to go to the Calling, this turned out not to be a good plan as the vast
quantities of people there made me all uncomfortable and panicky, and I ended
up fleeing.
Maybe it'll be back to normal next week when we're not `celebrating' an
American import which gives children licence to scare the wits out of normal
folk and demand money with menaces.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 07 10:41:04 2000]--
From: (S) but it's not all that easy (steph)
Subject: Is
Existing, if sometimes barely so. Work appears to be one of the few things I
can work up much enthusiasm for at the moment, and many of the usual social
gatherings (CUSFS, pizza) leave me cold. I feel in equal measure as if I am
drifting away and being drifted away from, and yet it's not a complete thing or
a particularly depressed thing. I can still enjoy stuff, be it shopping with
Clare, fireworks, Dr Who at the Gallery, or Robo Rally.
Hm. `...and being drifted away from.'
`Her kindness bangs a gong
It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away
It's chasing me away, she disappears and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing'
-- Counting Crows, `Anna Begins'
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 13 15:34:36 2000]--
From: (S) satin slept in (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm 26, it seems. I became so yesterday, and it was a good birthday. My
parents came round in the morning and brought me a juicer so I can JUICE THE
WORLD, and in the afternoon Clare gave me a really lovely tower (Tower,
perhaps, even) with a flag on, which is really pretty. I must find somewhere
to put it where it will get seen but not squashed, for it looks quite fragile.
And also Clare made me Coffee Cake, which tasted lots of coffee and was really
very nice indeed. I have good friends :-)
(I should probably also mention that I bought myself satin sheets and
they're wonderful. Barring the fact that the pillows have a tendency to slide
off the bed, anyway.)
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 14 11:57:27 2000]--
From: (S) satin slept in (steph)
Subject: Is
It appears that I should have made my birthday more widely known. At least
four people have said `ooh, but I didn't know' and are now offering to make me
cakes, give me presents, etc. etc. I feel all sort of flattered and wanted all
of a sudden...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Nov 15 09:57:44 2000]--
From: (S) satin slept in (steph)
Subject: Is
A good Calling. Conceivably I should stop borrowing Gareth's clothes for these
things (purple velvet lace-up top and spiky belt thingum) and go on a shopping
trip to acquire some of my own at some point, but he did offer and it is a
very nice top. Although we were sans Clare, there were plenty of other people
there and I didn't wuss out early for a change!
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 20 22:44:14 2000]--
From: (S) satin slept in (steph)
Subject: Was
More catching up. I don't know quite why I bother, and it's certainly of
little interest to readers.
Thursday: Relativity instead of CUSFS
Friday: Janet at Greenend - Badgers cake!
Saturday: Lucy's Maypole gathering, Siedler and Existenz at the Gallery
Sunday: LNR's birthday dinner
At some point I also acquired a MIDI controller keyboard.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 20 22:50:12 2000]--
From: (S) feigning casual silences (steph)
Subject: Is
You wouldn't like me if I were stupid, if I knew nothing, and yet I feel guilty
for the small amount of knowledge and success I have achieved. I try to
sympathise, to empathise even, and I'm sorry if it isn't good enough. There's
only so much I can do.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 27 10:11:49 2000]--
From: (S) feigning casual silences (steph)
Subject: Was
Life, or possibly my desire to recount it here, seems gradually to be fading.
I can't really remember if Monday was pizza or not. It seems vaguely possible
that it was, but if it was I have no clear recollection of what sort of
post-pizza followed it. Tuesday, I think, involved the consumption of haggis
at Relativity. Somewhat to my surprise, haggis isn't particularly unpleasant;
it's mostly just a sort of spiced mincemeat.
On Wednesday there was the usual watching of Buffy at the Gallery. Gareth had
been enthusing about `The Wish' because of the Vampire Willow it features, but
for me that misses the point somewhat. It just wasn't really Willow.
On Thursday I ended up getting drunk and morose and shouted at Jon Amery for me
spilling his drink. Since he put it in a very stupid place though, I don't
think there's anything to apologise for.
I don't think I did anything on Friday evening.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Nov 30 16:44:11 2000]--
From: (S) feigning casual silences (steph)
Subject: Is
Argh. I'm falling behind again. I should have said something about Erotica
on Saturday by now, and indeed about Utena on Sunday with David, Wednesday,
Simon, and Vicky. I should have mentioned Monday's music nargery at post-pizza
and Tuesday's Calling, not to mention yesterday's Buffy.
But I didn't, because I'm Captain Useless.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 08 11:03:11 2000]--
From: (S) feigning casual silences (steph)
Subject: Is
Another week, another opportunity to beat myself up for not having written
anything here.
No news, really. Life continues dull.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Dec 12 12:33:44 2000]--
From: (S) feigning casual silences (steph)
Subject: Was
On Sunday it was Christmas at the Gallery, complete with a Christmas dinner,
crackers, pudding, and presents! People seemed to enjoy dinner and their
presents (notably a giant frog for Chris, a penguin doormat for Yasmin, cuddly
fruit for James, a strange skittery thing for Gareth, a Clanger for Clare, and
a strange bit of Lego Technic for Ben), and many thanks must go to all of the
Gallery for what really felt Christmassy!
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Dec 13 10:41:27 2000]--
From: (S) feigning casual silences (steph)
Subject: Is
Work's Christmas Party last night, at Queens'. There look to be a fair few
people quite the worse for wear at work today...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Dec 21 10:58:12 2000]--
From: (S) that's all that really matters to me (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm now on holiday, until January 8th, and it's a thoroughly good thing as far
as I'm concerned.
The past few days have been rather Relativity-oriented, all things told. With
rjk's party on Saturday, post-pizza on Monday, and Emma's back-in-Cambridge
party on Tuesday, it's been fun, even if I do keep finding myself tired or
vaguely mopey at around 1am.
Otherwise, it's been quiet. People going home via various other events,
winding down. I shall be off on Friday afternoon, probably to return on the
27th or thereabouts.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 24 23:22:39 2000]--
From: (S) that's all that really matters to me (steph)
Subject: Is
At home, on Christmas Eve. Freeserve is being off-peak and free, and I doubt
there are that many sad souls up spodding just now anyway.
Christmas with parents is a quiet thing, spent mostly in front of the telly
watching whatever films are on. So far we've had `Britannic', a `Titanic'
cash-in with a twist of WW1 spy thriller that was jolly good fun, `LA
Confidential', which I'd seen before in the cinema, `Lawrence of Arabia', which
I've not seen all the way through before and which shows that a film can be
longer than three hours without being dull. This evening's fun was
`Independence Day', which was great to watch because I realised just how much
`Mars Attacks' is a pisstake of it. And given ID itself isn't exactly
particularly serious...
Anyway, it's time for bed, so I shall wish you a Merry Christmas and get some
sleep before the day of presents, food, drink, film (`Titanic' on the BBC -
what a treat!), and probably more sleep.
Goodnight.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Dec 26 21:37:31 2000]--
From: (S) that's all that really matters to me (steph)
Subject: Is
So that was a pleasant Christmas. I got a lava lamp, which glooped and
globbled merrily while the Titanic sank on the telly.
Today's been mostly taken up (between doing various other things) listening to
the reading of Harry Potter on the radio. It was superb fun, even if I do
still think that it doesn't merit quite as much media fuss as it's been given.
I also think that author J.K. Rowling's insistence that the whole thing should
be broadcast unabridged in one eight hour lump was a mistake. It would have
been much better in several episodes spread over the course of a few days,
really, but that said, Stephen Fry's reading made pretty gripping stuff most of
the time.
Back to Cambridge tomorrow morning, most likely.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 17 00:38:51 2001]--
From: (S) send me an owl (steph)
Subject: Was
2000 ended fairly quietly, for the most part, although that's not to say boring
or badly. Along with much of the rest of the country, Cambridge saw snow on
the 28th December, a fact to which I was alerted by a phone call from Gareth
saying `have you looked out of your window yet?'. Argh! It had all gone
white, and so we spent a few hours taking pictures of Cambridge in the snow.
Wind forward a bit, and we reach New Year's Eve. New Millennium's Eve, if
you're pedantic or just happen to like another excuse to celebrate. Last
year's party was at Relativity, and I went from initially maudlin, through very
drunk, to snogging most of the attendees. I wouldn't have, but most of
everyone else seemed to be, so... This year's was rather more low-key, from my
point of view at least, and barring bits of unhappiness and in the end
tiredness, I had a good time.
The fact that it's 2001 doesn't quite seem to have sunk into my brain yet. I
still have this instinctive idea that last year is 1999. I managed to twig
that it was the New Year, though, and with some help from Gareth and Clare, I
came up with some Resolutions.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 17 00:46:06 2001]--
From: (S) send me an owl (steph)
Subject: New Year's Resolutions
Do everything Gareth's resolved to do. [1]
Juggle a shower.
Juggle five.
Decide New Year's Resolutions are a waste of time.
Become better at thinking of New Year's Resolutions.
Talk to people.
Stop making li...
Finish Tomb Raider I.
Get 100% on Circuit Breakers.
Make a cake, alone.
Juice more fruit.
Play piano.
Buy Gareth more banjos. [2]
Do jigsaws.
Finish current jigsaw.
Pull people.
Pull string.
Snog the alphabet.
Read more.
Keep in touch with people.
Buy silky things.
Walk to Downham Market.
Go to museums.
Give up being useless.
Give up being self-deprecating.
Get embarrassingly drunk.
Get embarrassingly drunk at the Q club.
OK, it's not the best list in the world, but that's mostly because I have no
particularly undesirable vices. Perhaps I should acquire some so that I can
give them up next year.
Explanatory Notes:
[1] You'll have to ask him, but he might lie to you and say it's all to do with
small truckles of cheese. There's certainly some toast in there, though.
[2] I don't think this one was my idea, somehow.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 17 00:55:08 2001]--
From: (S) send me an owl (steph)
Subject: Was
The week I spent at home after New Year was a well-deserved break as far as I
was concerned. I like having long breaks from work. With a bit of practice, I
can forget completely about all the little niggling things and people that
fill my mind during the working week, and both relax and get round to doing
useful things I never usually get around to at home.
It was quite a good week on the useful things front, really. Notably, I got
one of my old Ataris working again so that I could do MIDI music things with
it, along with lots of other things that aren't particularly interesting. The
Atari still works, amazingly enough, although I'm beginning to feel the lack of
any networking. Perhaps this'll provoke me into getting something sorted out
on that front.
Relaxation? Well, I spent a lot of time in bed :-). That and playing silly
games at the Gallery, a fair amount of Circuit Breakers on the PlayStation, and
some amount of reading. Not bad, really.
And then, on the 8th, it was back to work.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 17 00:57:46 2001]--
From: (S) send me an owl (steph)
Subject: Is
Gosh, that's a lot of words, and one of them was truckle. And I've still not
finished catching up!
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 22 09:38:09 2001]--
From: (S) send me an owl (steph)
Subject: Is (Progress Report)
So how have we done on the Resolutions so far, then?
> Juggle a shower.
> Juggle five.
I've been practising the shower occasionally over the past couple of weeks, and
there are the germs of being able to do it there. As for five, well, you must
be joking!
> Get 100% on Circuit Breakers.
I made it to 101% in Circuit Breakers at some point early in the year.
> Juice more fruit.
I juiced an apple and several tangerines in the magic juice machine. The apple
juice was lovely, although the tangerine juice was rather strange, even when
mixed with orange juice.
> Play piano.
I'm trying to practise more on the piano. Having got sensible music software
for my Atari Falcon, I can record my efforts and play them back. This is less
desirable than it might seem, as it draws my attention to how dreadful a
musician I actually am. Ah well.
> Keep in touch with people.
I've been very good this year. I've sent my parents lots of email, with news
of stuff I've been doing. Unfortunately, I have a sneaking suspicion they
haven't read any of it yet :-(
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 22 09:58:33 2001]--
From: (S) send me an owl (steph)
Subject: Nameline
With a nameline like that, it wasn't long before I got from Gareth:
> ___
> <*,*>
> [`-']
> -"-"-
And then from weirdo:
> ---------
> ___ ( We are )
> <*,*> < not what )
> [`-'] ( we seem )
> -"-"- --------
>
>
> ----- ___
> ( Woof > <*,*>
> ----- [`-']
> -"-"-
>
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jan 23 09:22:50 2001]--
From: (S) send me an owl (steph)
Subject: Was
And other things there've been include the board game of the Lord of Rings.
It's a co-operative game (players v. Dark Lord) and usually ends up being
remarkably close. I don't think I've been in a game we've lost yet, though.
There was Emily-Loony-Emily's party on Saturday, which would have been more fun
if the cold I've had for the past few days hadn't made me feel slightly faint.
Still, rainbow jelly! Sweets! Pass the parcel!
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 24 12:21:03 2001]--
From: (S) send me an owl (steph)
Subject: Sunday
Watched `Frontier in Space' at the Gallery. This is probably one of the best
Pertwee Whos I've seen. The slightly space-operatic setting, a well-paced
plot, Delgado's final appearance as the Master, and a nice twist ending
(indeed, something of an open ending, leading into the next adventure) made it
great fun.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 01 14:49:49 2001]--
From: (S) DUMP: The ENTIRE dump is aborted. (steph)
Subject: Is
Happy New Year, happy new sun. Happy `gods, I'm still tired after having been
up all night on Tuesday'.
Generally happy? I guess I'm by and large OK. Off to the pub tonight for a
drink on some guy who sent the PuTTY development squad some beer money. Maybe
I should stop gently pondering the idea of a PuTTY port to Windows CE; the dark
side of the force is seductive. Maybe I should practise playing the piano more
so that my attempts at Satie's Gymnopedie No. 1 aren't plodding awkwardnesses.
Maybe lots of other things too, probably.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 01 14:59:15 2001]--
From: (S) DUMP: The ENTIRE dump is aborted. (steph)
Subject: Is
I've run out of energy and enthusiasm for work today, it would seem. After the
rush of having lots to do earlier in the week -- I've been building the server
that will be the map bit of the forthcoming National Land Information Service
(http://www.nlis.org.uk/docs/2000/index.htm) and on Tuesday we took it to its
new home in (wet, grey) Harlow -- I'm now at something of a loose end. I need
to work up the enthusiasm for all the little things I've been too busy to look
at, I suppose.
Maybe coffee will help.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 05 16:52:35 2001]--
From: (S) DUMP: The ENTIRE dump is aborted. (steph)
Subject: Is
Feeling stressed at home (Steve's mother is one of the least calm-inducing
people I've ever met, and when she invades the garden and makes dramatic
changes, that's not going to help a change-wary person like me), and slightly
off-kilter at work. In social gatherings I feel out of place and uneasy.
Perhaps I've been unwell, though. I was feeling distinctly queasy and giddy on
Saturday at Lucy's party and sadly had to leave early.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 07 11:39:46 2001]--
From: (S) Mesmer and Flenser (steph)
Subject: Is
A good Calling, at which I was ludicrously bouncy, as were lots of other
people. Let's see: Richard being tall and silly, Lucy being odd, two Lauras
(one with a spider, one with feathers), a drunk Marisa... It was a Bowie night
thing, which meant that lots of people were trying (and more or less
universally failing, apart from passable imitations of the hair from Labyrinth)
to look like Bowie. Surprisingly, Simon wasn't there to contact juggle, and
Gareth forgot to bring some acrylics. Hey ho.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 08 17:45:18 2001]--
From: (S) Mesmer and Flenser (steph)
Subject: Is
Christi complained today that this diary only contains one mention of her
name, so this entry exists solely to up that number to a nice round three.
Hello Christi!
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 14 12:28:09 2001]--
From: (S) Mesmer and Flenser (steph)
Subject: Is
It's been an odd week. The Gallery's palindrome party went well and I got
pleasantly drunk (alas not embarrassingly so, so I can't claim it on the New
Year's Resolution front) during a game of `Werewolves' (for a description of
which, see anakin's diary.
On Sunday we had the introduction of Sarah Jane Smith as Pertwee's new
companion. She's not a patch on Jo Grant, and at times slightly annoying, but
we'll have to see how she develops, I suppose.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 28 17:07:32 2001]--
From: (S) Mesmer and Flenser (steph)
Subject: Is
And so we leap two weeks from St. Valentine's Wossname to Clare's Wossname.
Monochrome is of course at fault here, having been down at the precise moments
I've actually felt like writing lots of diary here.
Sooo. What have I been doing?
Well, at work, I've been mostly occupied with NLIS (the National Land
Information Service) and the nifty little web maps that entails. (This is an
interface for solicitors to draw red lines around your house on a screen rather
than with a pen on a photocopy of an OS map. Using the pen will probably be
faster for most of them :-|.)
At home, I've managed another New Year's Resolution:
> Finish Tomb Raider I.
After God knows how many moons, I finally killed Natla (nee Unpronounceable)
and blew up Atlantis, so now it's onto TR2. The last level of TR1 was quite
tricksy, with lots of traps and spikes and suchlike, and the first level of TR2
is _worse_. No sooner do you enter a room than you're running from boulders,
jumping spikes, running away from a pair of crushing walls, up past more
crushing walls, round past some more, and then onto some spikes to die
painfully. Fun, at least until I get bored of it.
Last week saw lots of live music. Marillion last Thursday were fun, Steve
Hogarth being a very bonkers man indeed, and All About Eve (or possibly All
About Shambles, as they were tempted to dub themselves) were fun on the
Saturday evening too.
Sunday was spent at David's watching Utena, followed by some amount of foody
gluttony at the Ancient Mariner. Or the Master Mariner. Or something. All
the foody gluttony of this week (lots of pancakes, principally) is addling my
memory.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 12 09:34:16 2001]--
From: (S) Mesmer and Flenser (steph)
Subject: Is
Depressed. If not always, then at least always tending that way.
Work has started dragging me down. Working on this NLIS conveyancing map stuff
is draining me of energy and time, meaning that I don't have time at work to do
the things I want to be doing (like building a new mail system) and I don't
have the energy at home to do much at all.
I was supposed to be seeing the doctor at some point, wasn't I? If every time
I go onto a half dose of anti-depressants I end up feeling like this, I'll
never be off the silly things.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 12 11:45:45 2001]--
From: (S) Mesmer and Flenser (steph)
Subject: Is
On the plus side, I listened to the second Big Finish McGann Dr Who adventure
on Sunday. `Sword of Orion' is really quite eerie, and distinctly reminiscent
of the Alien films in a lot of ways. Following `Storm Warning''s
pseudo-historical trip aboard the R101, `Sword of Orion' takes us into
mankind's spacefaring future, and, well, let's not spoil it, eh?
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 26 15:01:14 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Is
Better recently, with a full dose of anti-depressants once more, and quite a
lot of involvement in important thngs at work.
Feeling supremely unenergetic today though.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Apr 01 17:13:38 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Ooh
COOKEEGIRL is back, and she still wants silly putty...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Apr 03 11:08:23 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Is
Life has been reasonably good to me recently. With depression having lifted
somewhat, I've had a lot of energy to devote to both work and play. Various
directors and managers have passed by my desk to congratulate me on my good
work, and at home I've found time to do a lot of things I've been putting off
for a long time.
Sunday was particularly good. I mowed the lawn (like 90% of the rest of
Britain on the first remotely dry and sunny Sunday of the year), tidied and
hoovered by room, and managed to discover my desk in the computer room. I also
payed the paper bill for the first time in months, and then relaxed in front of
a superb Brazilian Grand Prix. Montoya's lead over Schumacher (until he was
cruelly shunted out of the race by Verstappen) goes to show that the Colombian
is definitely someone to be watching... Brazil was also notable for being a
race without Murray Walker's commentary -- James Allen moved from the pit lane
to join Martin Brundle in the commentary box -- and while Murray is of course
great fun, Allen and Brundle did a commendable job in spite of some technical
problems.
After that I ambled over to the Gallery, where we drank wine and talked tosh.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Apr 23 10:07:57 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Is
Lots missed in here. Eastercon over, er, Easter, and a week's break before
coming back to work. Not that I appear to have much enthusiasm about that at
the moment...
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Apr 28 17:23:25 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Is
At home, enjoying a Saturday that is being both productive and relaxing. I
mowed the lawn, for one thing, and that's always oddly satisfying (even if I
have the horrible suspicion I killed a frog with the strimmer), and I've been
reading more of Paul McAuley's `The Secret of Life', which I acquired at
Eastercon. It's very good, combining as it does a lot of hard sciencey stuff
about genetics (well, people have _said_ it's hard science, and it doesn't seem
implausible...) and lots of details about a mission to Mars which is not a
million miles away from what the Mars Society would do if they were arranging
such a mission.
What else? Well, I finished Tomb Raider II last night. Unfortunately, it
wasn't on the New Year's Resolution list, so I can't tick it off as any sort of
monumental achievement. I think Gareth's right that it's not as good as the
original game; while there's plenty that is pretty, ingenious, or scary, it
seems to have far less attention to detail and much less of an overall sense of
plot behind it. While I don't expect computer games to have much plot, it's
nice to have a vague idea of what you're supposed to be doing and why, and TR1
did that a lot better.
I also got the go-ahead yesterday to put in a bit of work on CamMap
(http://www.cammap.com for anyone who doesn't already know) in my spare time,
so I should be able to fix a few of the bugs with it that have been reported.
Although Laser-Scan's software can sometimes be a real pain to configure and
install, it can be fun to use and particularly so when it's likely that my work
will please lots of people who use CamMap for information.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon May 07 14:55:15 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Is
After having been ill for the first two days of last week (and I'll admit that
the snooker makes it a particularly choice time to be off work) and then having
three rather lacklustre days at work, followed by this Bank Holiday Weekend,
I've not been working much of late. Instead I've been watching copious amounts
of snooker, reading, and learning Sather. Sather is a strongly-typed
object-oriented programming language (that `attempts to be as efficient as C,
C++, or Fortran, as elegant but safer than Eiffel or CLU, and to support
higher-order functions as well as Common Lisp, Scheme, or Smalltalk'), and
there's no particular reason to learn it other than that it's an OO programming
language that isn't Java, which has been steadily rotting my mind for some time
now.
As I said, I've been reading lots, too. I finished Jo Walton's `The King's
Peace', thought it was utterly wonderful, and now have to wait until October
for the concluding volume of the story :-\. On Saturday, I finished Paul
McAuley's `The Secret of Life', a near-future hard genetics SF tale with
plentiful doses of political wrangling between governments and corporates.
That got me into a mood to find out stuff about genes and the like, so I've
already got halfway through Matt Ridley's `Genome'. This claims to be an
autobiography of a species in 23 chapters, but it feels more like a travelog,
meandering along chromosome by chromosome, pointing out interesting genes along
the way.
Hm. Time for some more snook now.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 09 09:57:34 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Is
Ended up at the Gallery last night watching Izzard, drinking wine, and eating
tiramisu with Clare, Lucy, and Gareth. Fun and relaxing.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 09 16:48:18 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: The Joy of Work
Today's joy includes the discovery that someone has vomited in the water
cooler, and losing a PCI card worth about L5000. Sometimes it's no wonder I
lack enthusiasm for working here.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri May 11 12:28:45 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Is
Off work yesterday afternoon, and today, with a prolonged headache, preceded
on Wednesday afternoon with flashy lights in my right eye. Having been to see
a doctor today, it looks like I have a classic migraine, so I've been given
some coproxamol and told to take it easy. Which I'm now going to do.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 16 10:03:31 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Is
Headaches haven't really gone away since, although they've been kept in check
somewhat by painkillers. I feel generally listless and useless at the moment,
at both work and in my free time, and I'm finding it hard not to believe that
I'm imagining it all, that I'm not really ill, and that I'm just skiving. As a
result I'm still at work, but very much in a reactive capacity; I can answer
questions people put to me, and do small tasks people ask me to do, but I don't
seem to be able to concentrate properly to think about anything more
significant. (Ow, says he, as a twinge stabs him above the left eye.)
I've made new appointments to see a doctor again, and to see an optician.
Maybe they'll have something useful to say.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu May 17 21:26:00 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Is
Woke up this morning with a brain-wrenching headache and thus took the day off
ill. Waking up with a headache is something I definitely can't attribute to
too much time spent in front of a monitor.
Having spent much of the day asleep or dozing, trying to fend off headaches --
co-proxamol is a trusty ally but not quite trusty enough -- I'm now feeling
rather odd and bored. I think everyone else has gone to see the Mummy return
or something, so I've been digging around my filespace looking at some of my
old C projects:
Think of an animal. I will try to guess what it is.
Does it fly?
yes
Is it a chaffinch
yes
I win!
Play again?
no
I think there must be something inherently memorable and amusing about the word
`chaffinch'.
I made a rotating GL teapot, too.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri May 18 19:33:02 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Is
And if yesterday's headache was brain-wrenching, it was nothing compared to
today's truly arghsome effort. Still, I managed to get into town to see the
doctor again, and was told that in addition to the migraine (which was probably
getting better, given the absence of flashy lights) I was suffering from stress
heaadaches, probably due to worry about being ill. Joy. Armed with a
prescription for something called voltarol and an instruction not to think
about work until Monday, I made my way back home via Superdrug.
I was back in town later for an optician's appointment, which fortunately
confirmed that my eyes were no worse than they were a couple of years ago, and
ruled out my sight as a headache cause.
The voltarol didn't make the headache go away, though. Panicking somewhat, I
consulted the information leaflet and the marvellous WeBNF (http://www.bnf.org)
to confirm that I could also take paracetamol, did so, and ate a hearty dinner.
Somewhere along the way the headache has died down quite a lot. Phew.
Gosh, this must be boring for you.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat May 19 15:26:12 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Is
So no headache today. Instead we have a really quite upset stomach and
diarrhoea, which I'm going to put down as a side effect of Voltarol and not
take any more of the little orangey blighters. They didn't seem to be doing
very much good anyway.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 20 01:13:23 2001]--
From: (S) a fading dreamer (steph)
Subject: Is
Unhappy, maybe indirectly a side-effect of being ill. Worrying nevertheless.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 20 23:08:39 2001]--
From: (S) silver bird (steph)
Subject: Is
`He is the closed circle. He is returning to the beginning.' Some sort of
game, perhaps, and they wanted to play by different rules. I remember it
seemed unfair. The party split, but somewhere along the line I lost our half
of the group in Garret Hostel Lane. [The 3rd secret is hidden across the
river. As a cat, jump down onto the shady grass next to the bridge, and leap
towards the grating. You should be able to climb up the chimney into Tit Hall
Master's Lodge and claim a save crystal.] I searched all the pubs, feeling
lonelier and lonelier, perhaps losing Gareth along the way, and was going to
give up when I found the Green Dragon. [The 4th secret is impossible to get.]
Between the two canals and the old river boat, next to Caius, was most of the
group, with one notable absence.
Dreams are strange things, particularly when they're quite as
reflective/directive as that one. (Apart from the Tomb Raider bits, which as
fas as I know don't apply to any real game. Unless TR5 does give you the
chance to jump around Cambridge as a large tabby cat and nobody's told me.)
I've also omitted the bit about the sausages, because I can't remember why they
were important. Also, the initial Vorlon is gratuitous.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon May 21 11:28:05 2001]--
From: (S) silver bird (steph)
Subject: Is
Source: <MLYD> "Diary for steph "
> Subject: And finally...
>
> Why am I so trenchantly vanilla?
That's from June 2000.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 22 02:32:03 2001]--
From: (S) silver bird (steph)
Subject: Is
The poetry and the philosophy, the confusion and the analysis, it can all come
later. For now, thanks and hugs to those who know who they are.
There is still fear, but it is not the fear I expected. At all.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 22 09:26:30 2001]--
From: (S) silver bird (steph)
Subject: Is
Another dream, pointing out something I'd hoped wasn't true, believed wasn't
still true. Making clear that while we may have touched on an important part
of things last night, the more obvious stuff isn't that small a part of it
either. It scares me back to 1998, this diary's part II, and makes everything
feel so much less dealable-with than it seemed at the end of last night.
I don't know what to do. `Tell me what to do.'
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 23 01:16:52 2001]--
From: (S) silver bird (steph)
Subject: Is
An evening with bjh and ceb, narging gently about various Acorny things,
cooking random carbonara stuff, and playing lots of StarCraft.
Wonderfully relaxing and reassuring.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 23 01:29:57 2001]--
From: (S) silver bird (steph)
Subject: Nameline
And the above reminds me, indirectly, to explain my nameline. It was somewhere
around day alif, in that strange time of reality, metaphor, and reflection. I
was sitting in anakin's room in Trinity with bjh and ceb, and I heard `Bridge
over Troubled Waters' for the first time. Although the lyric is really `silver
girl', it still sticks in my mind the way Ben first told me it: `silver bird'.
Happy memories. Just thinking of that room in Whewell's Court brings a lot
back to me. I miss those times, as I miss all past times.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 23 16:19:12 2001]--
From: (S) silver bird (steph)
Subject: Was
In writing the above, I had cause to look through my old diary archives, and
the thing that comes across most clearly to me is how well I used to write.
Somehow I had so much more eloquence and imagination at my disposal in those
days than I do now. I'm inclined to believe that the primary reason for this
is that (in spite of everything!) I'm not nearly as depressed these days as I
was then. That's a combination of practice -- psychotherapy made me better at
looking at myself and how I work -- and anti-depressants, perhaps, but I have a
sneaking suspicion that to say that would be to ignore the real message of the
edit above: I'm no worse at writing now than I was then. You see, I suffer
from one of the strangest syndromes known to man.
It is chronic nostalgia.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu May 24 10:23:52 2001]--
From: (S) silver bird (steph)
Subject: Is
An evening of Angel (including our hero tied to a bed - mm) followed by a lot
of nargery about various things with Ben, James, and Ian, while Gareth looked
bemused, played guitar, and juggled.
Then, later, there was a tour of my psyche with genuine tea and sympathy.
Thank you.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu May 24 17:26:28 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm scared and confused, and there's so much going on in my head that I don't
really know what I feel. Over time, I've ringfenced and blocked so many
thoughts and feelings that it's not easy to get past to what's really
underneath, or to prevent other developed reactions from trying to bury
feelings again. What am I scared of? Me. Parts of me are busy trying to bury
other parts of me that in turn are gasping for air. But it's not just me. I'm
scared of most of you, too. That's why I spend so much time hiding, in a
little plastic tub that claims to make things simple and understandable.
All I'm trying to do at the moment is lift the lid, but no matter how close
I am to what I actually feel, hiding can't be good. No matter how much or
little it changes, I'm going to escape, escape from the plastic tub.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri May 25 00:51:26 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is (Counting Crows plug)
Having quoted and deleted excerpts from two tracks of `This Desert Life', I've
decided I simply can't make up my mind what bit I actually want to quote, so
instead you can go and listen to `Four Days', `Colourblind', and `I wish I was
a girl'. You may as well listen to the rest of the album while you're at it.
Subject: Health
Er, health? I used to have some of that. Yes, I remember it, it was the thing
that stopped me feeling sick when I ate, hungry when I didn't, and queasy for
much of the rest of the time. Methinks another trip to see the quack is in
order.
Fortunately, the ill feelings only really came to the fore quite late in the
evening, so I managed to join a very quiet CUSFS social evening before going
off to Relativity to play Starbase Jeff.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri May 25 13:31:31 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
One doctor's appointment for Tuesday, which might be able to sort out this
stomach problem. My body isn't really being very useful for me at the moment,
is it?
---------------------------------------------------[Sat May 26 01:45:00 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
Lots of tears. Thanks should go to bjh, ceb, lark, and anakin for their
patience with me.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat May 26 16:29:32 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Was
I woke up this morning not knowing quite what to do, and to be perfectly honest
that hasn't changed. However, I did manage to talk to vicky which was helpful
and useful, and with the help of a bit of meditation and Tarot-introspection, I
was alive enough to go to Becky's barbecue. A fair number of nice people
there, but it was marred by the fact that I wasn't feeling all that well, so
here I am back in my room, fiddling with my diary.
*sigh*
---------------------------------------------------[Sat May 26 16:32:17 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
This edit is entirely content-free in the hope that it will get posted to
USENET.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat May 26 16:37:59 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, nothing's happening, so I'm going to bed. If anyone wants me they can
ring me.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat May 26 18:08:09 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
And now I feel if anything worse than I did earlier. Feeling unhappy in a
world that is ever so gently swimming around my head. Someone rescue me,
please?
---------------------------------------------------[Sat May 26 18:10:48 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Ah!
The above seems to have acted at a distance to cause the Gallery to invite me
round. Supposing I can make it there, this will be a good thing.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 27 01:04:09 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
Sometimes we only truly appreciate the precious things in life when we are most
afraid of losing them, of damaging them. We walk our paths from day to day
with them in our midst and sometimes, I think, we forget just how wonderful
they are. It almost seems as if we have to undergo nights of blackness and
pain, fear and worry, fully to be able to understand what it is to share this
life with something so precious and true. When that understanding is there,
though, there can be no doubt that any amount of pain is worth it. The doubt
lies in whether we can be strong enough to bear it and be any sort of precious
thing ourselves in return.
This heart of mine is a fragile thing. Though sometimes it may burn raw red
with pain or black with fear, though sometimes it may hurt you, please believe
that under it all this heart is still good.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 27 12:19:53 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
If you walk along King's Parade, preferably on a sunny day, and look at the
pavement in front of the chapel, near where the large tree reminds you you're
still part of the natural world, you will see, engraved in beautifully serifed
letters the words `High Maintenance Life'. Whoever wrote those words knew what
he was talking about.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 27 21:52:12 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Voices
lanfear 'It's amazing what you can do when your back's against the wall.'
vicky 'You have to be the friend who will be there regardless.'
kosh 'You see, as long as you're here, I'll always be here.'
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 27 22:15:07 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
Control is a strange thing. I spend a lot of time treating it as a watchword,
determined to maintain self-control and keep every action a planned action that
has been carefully thought out. Loss of control is scary.
Strange then that I spend as much time wishing that I could relinquish control,
hand the reins over to friends I could trust to point me in the right
direction. Unfortunately we all have to make our own decisions in the end.
Control is scary.
Is it possible to reconcile these two things? I don't know, in general, but I
think that in me it is. I feel fine not being in control, relinquishing
control to others (and events), as long as I'm in control when I make the
decision not to be in control. That feels terribly involved and confusing, but
it feels plausible as an explanation for lots of my actions that I might not
otherwise have been able to find a comfortable explanation for.
This is relevant to things I don't yet mention here openly, but also more
generally; if I know that there is a definite point at which I can no longer
control (or even just influence) events, I can feel that I am in some way
relinquishing control at that point. The lie I have to tell myself, namely
that I am _choosing_ to relinquish control at that point, is a small one. It
may not even be a lie at all.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 27 22:28:40 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Was
It's been a good day. I woke up and listened to the Archers, which is
developing an interesting sinister business scandal storyline, and then after a
little bit of faffing, made my way across Coldham's Common to H103. Ben has
acquired many more computers since last I saw the place, and it does somehow
give me the impression of a small nest of technology. (Lorded over by a little
red BSD daemon :-).)
After coffee Clare and I went shopping, which was a Fun Thing. I bought some
oils from Culpeper's, which I've not done for a very long time. Then, I
accidentally fell into HMV and bought Marillion's `Anoraknophobia' and `The
Best of Both Worlds', and on a whim asked Clare to recommend something and
acquired an Al Stewart collection, which I'm greatly looking forward to
discovering when I listen to it! There were books, too: `Houdini's Box', `V
for Vendetta', and Sheri Tepper's `Beauty' for me, and a huge collection of SF
shorts and some Roald Dahl for Clare. (I've absconded with the latter, says he
with an evil grin.)
Sandwiches, coffee, and a lovely vanilla thing in Pret, and thence back to the
Gallery for another Hartnell story: `The Aztecs'. It felt rather more tight a
story than recent adventures we've had, with barely a dull moment throughout.
Unfortunately, by this point my stomach was rebelling against the evils of
being fed and not fed, and I could do little but retire back home.
Funnily, having done this, I now feel more hungry than ill again. Ah well. I
should go and watch the Grand Prix I taped earlier in the day while I was out
shopping. I know I usually prefer to watch these things live, but some things
are more important than TV, and in any case you can record TV but you can't
record spending time with people.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 27 22:41:45 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Ooh
Normally it's other people's writings that I find meaningful. Here's some
wittering of mine from 1994 that feels startlingly relevant:
Transient
---------
It's transient,
Between stations,
Carving the way
Into "Back There"
And "Over There"
Back There can't understand
(Thinks of betrayal,
"That's not how it
is")
Over There can't understand
(Thinks of betrayal,
"That's not how it
really
is")
Back There asks Over There asks
Question:
"Why aren't you here?" "What are you doing there?"
Answers:
(Thinks of confusion,
"Can I say how it
really
is?")
Back There commands (or fails and reviles)
Come back, come back, come back.
Over There commands (maybe they're right to?)
Choose
It's transient
I'm transient
Between stations
On this journey
Carving the way
That isn't the last
Into "Back There"
And "Over There"
That I may make - (Who/He/She knows)
[The formatting is sort of relevant; a group of readers may choose to share
different parts among themselves.]
---------------------------------------------------[Mon May 28 11:45:07 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
Ooh, how intriguing. There is precisely one person who has this diary as a
fave whom I don't know.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 29 11:01:05 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Was
I had a very mixed Bank Holiday Monday. It started well enough, with a walk
around Milton Country Park, and continued with listening to various of the CDs
I'd bought the previous day, and enjoying the scents of rosewood and vetivert
in my room.
In the afternoon I wittered at sphyg and lost to her at chess. In the evening
we went for pizza, and later post-pizza at Greenend.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 29 11:02:47 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
Today I should be at work, but I'm feeling ill and theoretically going to see a
doctor about my malfunctioning appetite. Unfortunately the doctor I was going
to see earlier this morning is himself ill, so I'm going to have to go back
into town later to see a different (unknown) doctor. Grr.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 29 13:27:16 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
So, stomach illness is apparently a long-lasting side effect of weird orangey
Voltarol pills, and so I've been given different pills to fix my stomach.
This has all been very peculiar.
Migraine -> time off work -> stress -> stress headaches -> voltarol -\
|
more pills <- stomach aches <-/
What an utterly delightful chain of events.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 30 01:23:30 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
I was going to go to the Calling this evening, but I failed due to Radio 2
being full of Goons, and ended up giggling lots at that with Clare instead.
After that there was Angel Delight, in lots of senses: butterscotch, darkness,
and our favourite mopey vampire, as Clare caught up on the episodes she missed
last Wednesday.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 30 01:43:06 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Pretentious Tosh
...was going to be written in here, but I can't remember now what I was
actually going to say. Instead, at least as much to prove to myself that I'm
not completely losing my marbles, you can have:
XX(R) 4S(R) XVII
5C PC KP XII
I(R) QW V(R)
...which is quite good going from memory. (I have a feeling I may have
interchanged I(R) and PC, though.)
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 30 08:56:00 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
The pills I've been prescribed are having some useful effects, in that I was
able to eat remotely sensibly last night, but I'm still feeling all churned up
and queasy this morning. Another day off work, then :-|.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu May 31 09:28:29 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
And I get back to work to find from our HR manager:
> I'm really pleased to tell you that you are one of the award winners this
> month for your excellent work on the NLIS project. You'll receive a L250
> bonus in your June pay.
Golly.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu May 31 12:37:37 2001]--
From: (S) escape from a plastic tub (steph)
Subject: Is
*swoosh* I've just had some training in pointing fire extinguishers at things
and going *swoosh*. My extensive research reveals that CO2 is the swooshiest,
but you don't get much swoosh before it runs out. Water lasts longer and has
truly impressive range, but isn't fundamentally very exciting. Foam is quite
swooshy but smells evil and covers things in, er, foam.
*swoosh*
---------------------------------------------------[Thu May 31 18:52:13 2001]--
From: (S) Who can say what it means? (steph)
Subject: Was to Is to Will Be
A long time ago I said I wanted to feel safe, strong, and special. Although a
lot has changed since, and we are all ever so subtly different people, that's
still true. What is also true is that at the moment, with `Anoraknophobia'
playing on the stereo, is that I feel none of these things. I don't really
know what I feel, precisely, save that it is absolutely clear.
Eighteen hours ago, perhaps, I was nearly convinced. I come close, from time
to time, to believing it when it is said. `Amazing', `noble', `special' fight
briefly through shields of self-deprecation to produce a brief flattered glow
of self-belief. I'm grateful, truly I am, but at some level these things are
never truly believed. Possibly at some level, no matter how much I may like to
believe them (and indeed however much it may help to believe them), I wouldn't
really be me if I did.
Now, eighteen-and-a-bit hours later, I'm writing this. I've had an oddly good
day, back at work and being recognised in that field for my contributions.
I've been almost perky on IRC, revelling in wordplay and silly conversations.
And yet, I still feel vulnerable, weak, and insignificant. The only strength I
can sense is some nebulous back-echo of what might be, should I come through
all this.
Maybe that's enough.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 01 10:56:27 2001]--
From: (S) Who can say what it means? (steph)
Subject: Was
Well, it didn't seem to be last night, did it? Once again, thanks are due.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 02 11:16:25 2001]--
From: (S) Who can say what it means? (steph)
Subject: Was
Friday seems like it was two days. The first, at work, was a sort of hazy
after-image of the previous night, like the moments just after you wake up and
resolve the apparently convex corners of the room into their more expected
concave selves. The second started with dinner with Lucy (sphyg) at Darwin,
which was nice and fun, continued through a walk in the rain to the Gallery for
a bit of `The Day Today' and then killing Sauron in the LoTR game with added
Simon and Vicky (and my it was a close-run thing with five players).
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 02 23:44:58 2001]--
From: (S) Who can say what it means? (steph)
Subject: Is
mithridatize v.tr. (also -ise) render proof against a poison by
administering gradually increasing doses of it. mithridatic adj.
mithridatism n. [f. mithridate a supposed universal antidote attributed to
Mithridates VI, king of Pontus d. 63BC]
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 04 00:55:28 2001]--
From: (S) Who can say what it means? (steph)
Subject: Is
Words do not suffice, and the limits this diary imposes on what they can
express do not mitigate that insufficiency. Maybe it doesn't matter; I suspect
you know me well enough by now to know most of what I mean even when I can't
say it. A piece of music races after-echoes round my mind, played from a
tape made a long time ago, and it still cheers me as it did when first I heard
it. We have to hold on to the warm things, the good things, the little things;
looking back on it they're most of what I always wanted.
I know, I seem to need a lot of looking after sometimes. I hope the better
times, the times when I don't need looking after, make that worthwhile.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 04 17:22:06 2001]--
From: (S) Who can say what it means? (steph)
Subject: Is
If you were in a company that decided to make the following roles redundant:
HR Manager
Quality Manager
Planning Director
Sales Manager
Sales Executives
Product Manager
Financial Accountant
Various Admin Staff
...would you be comfortable?
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 05 00:11:27 2001]--
From: (S) Who can say what it means? (steph)
Subject: Is
Remarkably good evening at pizza and post-pizza, defeating (for a change) my
expectations and my fears. I appear to be a little bit drunk, though, which
can't be a good thing.
Sleep soon.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 08 03:39:29 2001]--
From: (S) Do you know who I am? (steph)
Subject: Is
This morning (insomniac remembers tears that weren't a bad dream) I had all but
packed my bags. It was clear that what had been said meant that the only way
to preserve the two things I most care about was to leave Cambridge for six
months or so. This evening (whirl and turn, burn soul burn, and bounce) it was
not clear at all. Joy was here, happiness was here, strength was here, and
leaving was the one thing that would distance me from that.
I still hurt, both innately and because of what has been said, and I don't
honestly think that's likely to cease being the case now as the result of one
good day or even soon; my heart is even more stubborn than I am. Somehow,
however, you've all changed my mind today. For whatever reason, at the moment
it seems a just and worthwhile thing to stay and make this work, and you've all
made me feel just that bit stronger today that I might be able to manage it.
Understand me, and you understand the bizarre circle of selfish altruism that
drives me, and you understand that, disregarding all else, what I truly want is
to be happy and for my friends to be happy. I want to be happy for them in
their endeavours and for them to be happy for me in mine. It's a hard thing, I
think. Perhaps it's impossible, but it's so fundamentally me that it's almost
something I can't help but try for. That's why I was prepared to go. It's
also why I'm still here.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jun 10 01:41:37 2001]--
From: (S) A lot to live up to. (steph)
Subject: Was
You were there because I would be there, and though they were different
places at different times, you made me. You always had power over me, and
perhaps that first most definite case of being afraid of what tempted me is
to be now a lesson in one of the legacies of that power. I crossed a
boundary, and we travelled together for a time.
You are there because I would be there, and though they are different places
at different times, I made you. I always had power over you, and perhaps
that first most definite case of being afraid of what tempted you is to be
now a lesson in one of the legacies of that power. You crossed a boundary,
and now we walk our separate paths.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jun 10 01:43:57 2001]--
From: (S) A lot to live up to. (steph)
Subject: Is
So, what a week. Best perhaps not to dwell on the worst of it, but rather to
note briefly the good way it ended: Robo Rally at the Gallery on Friday, and
StarCraft, a barbecue, and Mao at Greenend this evening. That'll do, I think.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 11 12:04:59 2001]--
From: (S) A lot to live up to. (steph)
Subject: Is
I feel like getting lots of jiffy bags and sending people chocolate. I get the
impression they could do with it...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 11 23:27:11 2001]--
From: (S) A lot to live up to. (steph)
Subject: Is
After a useless day at work -- I had precisely zero motivation to do anything
except sit there and respond to things that came my way -- it should perhaps
have been a pleasant and good thing to have got useful things done. I've
arranged a serial terminal next to my PC (for IRCing during StarCraft, if you
must know) and managed to fix my ailing VAX's networking.
Still, though, a couple of glasses of port are all that it's taken to bring
back bleak thoughts and fears, and bring me here to my brief and inadequate
catharsis.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 12 17:30:58 2001]--
From: (S) A lot to live up to. (steph)
Subject: Is
Another useless day, but I'm still here, still hanging on. At least I have a
time to hang on until, now, even though the prospect scares me witless.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 13 11:47:20 2001]--
From: (S) A lot to live up to. (steph)
Subject: Is
Which said, the evening that followed wasn't too bad. I wandered over to
Vicky's for dinner (very nice butternut squash), a bit of wittering, some
pondering of PuTTY source code, and a lovely cinnamon ball thing.
Thence back to Greenend, where I had a brief game of StarCraft, and after that
to the Empire for a bit for the tail end of antinomy's (odd that I should think
of her more as antinomy than as Kate S.) finishing-exams celebration.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 13 14:27:59 2001]--
From: (S) A lot to live up to. (steph)
Subject: Is
What happens when you try to freeze jelly?
A coworker has just loaned me a bright yellow duck named only `Duck', whose job
is to sit on my monitor and be comforting. Its head is leaning to one side
with a sort of appraising expression, as if it understands completely.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jun 14 11:41:53 2001]--
From: (S) A lot to live up to. (steph)
Subject: Is
Angel (in which we're nearing the end of Season One) was fun last night,
although I'm inclined to wonder how many more times we'll see the `Angel goes
bad, let's tie him to the bed' plotline before the scriptwriters tire of it and
think of something else. Not that, from certain points of view, I mind
particularly, you understand.
I had a strange night's dreams (of which, perhaps, more later) and was woken at
six by a bee that had flown in through my open bedroom window. I listened to
it buzzing against the window for a little bit, decided I wasn't likely to
sleep much more before my usual getting-up-time of eight, and had breakfast
before walking down to Milton Country Park for a gentle stroll. I wandered
around the lakes and sat and watched the geese for a bit, before reading the
paper over a coffee in Tesco's.
Quite a good way to start a day, really, and once at work I appear to have
started being marginally useful and getting round to writing some perl that's
been needed for a while. The downside is that I'll probably be shattered by
four.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 15 00:23:48 2001]--
From: (S) A lot to live up to. (steph)
Subject: Is
In spite of the length of it all, I made it through the day quite productively,
and with the aid of a bath (with rose geranium) to wash off the ick of the
far-too-hot day, I felt revived enough to go out to meet Clare for pre-CUSFS
food. Of course, that was the point at which the weather made a much-needed
change, and I had to rely on my trusty (if now somewhat bent) umbrella. After
a slightly silly parting, Clare pootled off to the Cavendish to do scary
write-up things, and I headed towards...
A brief Gallerying post-pre-CUSFS, in which robots got hopelessly lost in
Gareth's invented Robo-Rally boards: `Dreadnoughts and Double-Crosses' and `Bad
Hair Day'. I felt oddly faint and weak at one point on the way home, but it
passed.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 15 20:57:34 2001]--
From: (S) 23 ; D. N. CUTLER 14-JUN-76 (steph)
Subject: Is
So, the day of reckoning is postponed another couple of days. I know, it's not
fair to ask for arbitrary amounts of other people's time, particularly not when
they're recovering from large quantities of stress, but nevertheless...
All of which means I now have a weekend to cope with, in which I'll be too
worried about both absences and presences (yes, I know I'm assuming things, but
it seems a reasonable assumption, and I know that if I am right it shouldn't
bother me, but if what I wanted to feel and what I actually felt were more in
accord with each other, then I wouldn't be in this position) to be in any
social gathering, and in any case too on-edge to enjoy anything anyway. I'm
not sure what to do about this.
As I sat for an hour or so, staring at my keyboard as everyone else at work
vanished off, I thought that it might be March 6th, 1998. Only I'm sure that
wasn't this hard.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 16 00:13:19 2001]--
From: (S) 23 ; D. N. CUTLER 14-JUN-76 (steph)
Subject: Names in the night
Acronym anakin antinomy bjh ceb emperor eviltwin ghoti lark llama sphyg vicky.
To these particularly, but to a host of other friends as well, thank you.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 16 20:08:26 2001]--
From: (S) 23 ; D. N. CUTLER 14-JUN-76 (steph)
Subject: Is
I've slept for most of the day, intermittently trying and failing to find
people. I want to be able to say sorry a thousand times, to be held safe until
this all goes away, but it won't go away and the thousand repetitions of `It's
OK, it's alright.' won't persuade me, no matter how much I want to believe
them.
Safe, strong, and special are so tightly intertwined that it's near impossible
to have one without the others. I've been striving to be strong, but without
the conviction that I'm safe and won't lose a friend, and the belief that I
matter to that friend, there can't really be any strength; this isn't about
anything else so much as this friendship and what it means.
I think that's a large part of what I'm afraid of: I'm terrified that when we
talk properly it'll be for the last time.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jun 17 21:55:06 2001]--
From: (S) 23 ; D. N. CUTLER 14-JUN-76 (steph)
Subject: Is
So much fear, and so much reassurance. It's amazing how many different
emotions you can feel in twenty-four hours.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 19 15:43:25 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
So, there you go. Everyone was right, my fears were ungrounded, and I do
matter and am cared about. Like so much else in all this, it's surprising how
much of a difference it makes. It sits at the back of my mind like a small
benevolent angel: reassuring and comforting and giving of strength.
Nothing is ever over, nothing ever solved, and I can't say that I've suddenly
become immune to hurting, but I feel that I'm that bit stronger now, and that
it'll be that little bit easier to deal with all this, and eventually, to be
content. That matters, and I know it doesn't just matter to me.
We've come a long way, walked a long path, since November 1997, and not all of
it has been fun. But the good times and the friendships we've built in those
three years have been worth it.
Subject: Day ba
It seems even I can't doom myself forever :-).
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 20 01:06:43 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm on holiday this week, with one of my main objectives being to relax. The
weekend and bits of yesterday were necessary exceptions to this, but now I'm
feeling rather more sorted, I can get around to the relaxation.
Yesterday's relaxation was shopping with Clare, hunting around Cambridge for
the relevant bits to turn her into a penguin for the Veizla on Saturday.
Evening dress is a very strange thing, perhaps especially when you're watching
someone else enter into the strange world of dress shirts and bow ties, but I
was still shocked to find that even at the Savoy Tailors' Guild shop on Trinity
Street you have to go to special lengths to get a real bow tie. I thought
better of them, somehow.
The day destressed me for the evening. (I wonder if that perhaps was part of
the point.) The evening destressed me in a more general way.
This morning I finished listening to `Loups Garoux', the most recent Big Finish
Doctor Who audio adventure they've sent me: gripping Davison/Strickson stuff
with lots of werewolves and some nifty maneouvres with the TARDIS. I also beat
Gareth at snooker, but that was mostly because he was too tired (and, in one
frame, because he conceded due to a truculent brown), so I shouldn't flatter
myself with any illusions of competence on the table.
Then some random shopping, and after an afternoon spent doing remarkably little
(except prodding my current pet project, which is a port of the command-line
bits of the PuTTY suite to VMS), wandered to Tesco's to get the ingredients for
dinner. Ben and Clare were once again my willing guinea-pigs, and since
neither of them has died and Clare made lots of chompling approval-type-noises,
I think Chicken and Broccoli salad (with a cheesy dressing) counts as another
success. Hurrah!
We spent the rest of the evening splotting each other at StarCraft.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jun 21 17:15:23 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
Depressed, for no reason, and I don't know why it's that much worse than it
used to be. I was in Camden today, but I was too scared to go in most of the
shops. I did get a frilly shirt from the Black Rose, but only because I felt I
ought to get something for my troubles.
There's more here but it's purest melodrama and fundamentally unhelpful. I
know what I need.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jun 21 17:25:21 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
And someone has been making silent phone calls to my mobile phone and
withholding the caller ID.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 23 12:09:09 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
Coping, just about. After three weeks of unquestionably reactive depression,
the long-term stuff has come back to hit me, and while one might wonder whether
being able to say `I'm not depressed about anything, I'm just depressed' to
some people might make them feel a bit better, it doesn't really help very much
here. (Of course, the deeper the depression goes, the more sensitive I become
to my environment, so it can very quickly become about something...)
Clare put things on Thursday down to clothes shopping, and invited me round to
the Castle to be hugged. I don't know whether it had been clothes shopping
that had made me depressed, but it had certainly been depressing for some
reason or other. Anyway, the evening helped a little, as did some desperate
wittering at scruple on mono later.
On Friday I was supposed to be going to the ucam.chat Garden Party, but I very
nearly didn't make it. I spent the morning trying to get out of bed and
failing to be able to move -- I find this is one of the things I do when I'm
depressed: I want to move, but at some level I lack the willpower to get my
brain to send the messages to my body. It results in long periods of time
spent staring at walls and the like. -- and only just made it into the world by
about 3.
I did make it to the Garden Party in the end, and I don't think I was too bad
while I was there. I fled for a bit when I started feeling particularly down,
and returned to join the group for a meal in the Hot Pot.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 23 12:15:04 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
Today is the Veizla, Jomsborg's annual dinner, and it's another trial of
willpower and copingness. It should be fun, and maybe it will be, and I will
be there because otherwise Clare'll kneecap me. I do still worry that I'll not
be good enough, though, that I'll annoy.
It's hard to keep day ba in mind, hard to remind myself of all the things that
were said on Monday, all the reassuring things. Like any wild creature,
depression will fight tooth and claw for its own survival, but I have to
remember: I matter, I am cared about.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 23 14:50:51 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
Slight improvement in mood. My desktop machine (the one which gets used for
StarCraft and a lot of spodding) had a dead power supply, so I went to WoC to
get a new one. The machine is now working happily again.
I've also bought a bunch of DDS-2 tapes, in the hope of getting a Backup System
going for my machines. I currently have a Occasionally Tar Things To A Tape
System, which isn't wonderfully satisfactory.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jun 24 04:06:23 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, the Veizla was good. That what came later was pain and utter loneliness
is nobody's fault, really. Is it enough that I'm still alive and in one piece,
that I've made it through another few hours?
It gets dark in here. Hard to tell how much of that is really just darkness in
here and how much is reaction. I suppose it's academic, trying to distinguish
dark shapes in the dark.
Still, you were there for me, and I'm grateful for that.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jun 24 15:20:32 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
Nobody around, and no surprise. They all have their own lives to live. I was
sensing something darker coming earlier today, but the feeling has passed and
maybe it was nothing.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 25 00:59:43 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm now thinking quite seriously that there's Severe Weird Chemical Stuff
happening in my head, so while I should be returning to work tomorrow, the
first thing I'm going to do is try to see a doctor (preferably _my_ doctor; I
doubt having seen three different doctors about various things recently can
have helped me acquire a consistent and coherent set of treatments) as a matter
of some urgency. With luck he'll be able to pin-point what's wrong and we can
work out a way to deal with that, and once that's underway, I can start coping
with my actual life. If I'm any judge at all of my internal state, I suspect
that if my brain can return to its usual humdrum levels of weirdness I'll find
things a lot easier to cope with. Particularly with day ba in mind.
Subject: Is
bjh 'You need more people.'
He's right, but there's a delicate rider to add to that: I need just enough of
the right people. Large gatherings or parties can tend to make me feel as much
alone as actually being on my own, and that's particularly true when I'm down
to start with.
In terms of actual events, that translates into a very depressive Sunday which
was gradually lifted by somewhat soporifically watching some Doctor Who,
killing small robots, and playing Seefahrer.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 25 09:19:03 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Will Be
Not ideal, but I have a doctor's appoingment with my doctor for 10:50am
tomorrow. With luck he won't just say I'm silly and making it all up.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 25 10:38:55 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Will Be
I'm going on an Oracle course next week, it seems. I shall be stuck in deepest
darkest Maidenhead with (presumably) no connectivity and nobody but a couple of
coworkers for company :-(. Better take some good books, I suppose, but it
sounds very scary and lonely.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 26 09:52:00 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
For some reason my mood improved over the course of yesterday. It was without
a shadow of a doubt Too Hot, but perhaps that helped in a strange way; I didn't
feel obliged to be overly useful, and various mild bits of usefulness dotted
throughout the day were definite achievements. After starting the evening with
pasta and I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue at Greenend, I wandered over to the
Gallery for what we might once have called an NBI. Clare fed Ben and myself
risotto (yum - I'd thought I wasn't hungry but I was wrong), and we watched
Gareth plunge Lara into burning petrol a few times, as well as looking at bits
of StarCraft strategy stuff on the web. A good quiet evening.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 26 09:56:56 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm also feeling less negative about this Oracle course; I may have to use it
as an excuse to buy a laptop to while away the long Kentish evenings in gentle
spodding and StarCrafting. (That game has a lot to answer for, sometimes.)
The question is, what sort of laptop? I could try and get something cheap that
would do the job, but a new shiny Vaio or suchlike would be so sweet and is
awfully tempting.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 26 12:27:12 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Doctor's Appointment
Here, have a double dose of anti-depressants.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 27 03:11:24 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
A good Calling this evening, with more than a sufficiency of bouncy music, and
followed by a cool thunderstorm in which Clare and I opted to walk in. Lots of
real fork lightning and cooling rain.
(Later, though, we notice pathological behaviours that are all too familiar.
Is it truly necessary for me to wind myself up like this?)
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jun 28 15:41:17 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
Oh, and Maidenhead isn't in Kent. It's in Berkshire. I maintain it can still
have Kentish evenings, though, just as Londoners can have a Kentish Town.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 29 00:52:43 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
I was going to rush to buy a laptop in the next couple of days, so I'd have it
to take with me on this Oracle course. However, my boss in his infinite
kindness has lent me one of work's laptops so I can play StarCraft. That isn't
strictly true, actually, for while I'm sure he appreciates my need for
something to do of an evening, it's also useful for the Company to have me
available; the National Land Information Service is going live this weekend, so
I may be called upon to fix it from afar.
My mood's been more upbeat today. I can't easily say whether this is the
doubled dose of antidepressants, my productiveness at work, or a determined
effort to be well. At the moment I don't feel like introspecting on the
matter.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jul 01 00:28:55 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Was
Yesterday evening I played StarCraft with Ben, Clare, and Steve, with Lucy
spectating, and somehow managed to pull two convincing victories out of the
hat. Almost unheard of as far as I'm concerned, but some solid scouting and a
couple of tricks I got from the battle.net strategy guide (bunkers as an
offensive weapon, for one) seem to have made a difference.
Subject: Is
Today, Becky's garden party, Mao, Shrek, Gallery barbecue, sleep. In
approximately that order.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jul 01 21:55:18 2001]--
From: (S) Silly boy (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm being picked up by a coworker tomorrow morning at the ludicrous time of
6am, which means I'll have to get up at an even more ludicrous time. I guess,
then, I should try and get some sleep...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 02 20:26:54 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is, Maidenhead
So, I'm in Maidenhead, in a small hotel (*cough* - it's more of a pub with
delusions of grandeur) room, sweltering gently and spodding. While the
training centre in which I'm learning about the joys of SQL (which are of very
limited joyfulness so far, I have to say) is well air-conditioned, the hotel
and indeed the rest of the world isn't. It's too hot.
The coworkers I'm here with, Dan and Alex, are OK, but I don't really feel I
have much in common with them, and I don't necessarily think I want to spend
all my evenings doing things with them. Not sure how to say this tactfully,
though, but since I'm somewhat shattered from the long day at the moment,
that's served as a tolerable excuse this evening; we went out into Maidenhead
for pizza and came back here to flop.
I might read a bit later, perhaps play a little StarCraft, and go for an
evening walk if I still seem to be awake by that point...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 03 18:16:33 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is, Maidenhead
Another day of SQL and its icky interactions with SQL*Plus commands, another
day of being nicely air-conditioned and then coming back to a boiling room.
Managed to catch Clare on IRC, which was a good thing and reminds me that there
are only two more nights to go before I can be hot and uncomfortable in my own
bed again. Also reminds me how much hugs matter. Sometimes you only realise
how important these things are when you're away from them and miss them. Even
so, I feel a bit silly for not being utterly happy out here; somehow I imagine
that IT professionals should be fine with such things.
Last night I finally managed to get to sleep by means of reading a third of
`Metropolitan' (a sort of SF, or possibly futuristic fantasy, by Walter Jon
Williams), pushing my StarCraft campaign forward a bit, and finally walking for
an hour or so until it got sufficiently dark for there to be some chance of
cool air in my room.
Dinner in a bit, and I might investigate the possibility of visiting David, who
lives only seven miles down the road from here, judging from the road signs.
I'll stop now. I'm running up a phone bill and dripping on the keyboard.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jul 05 17:37:33 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is, Maidenhead
I visited David and Wednesday's new flat in Bracknell last night, and very nice
it is too. Spacious, and quite similar in some ways to their old place in
Lilac Court. We watched various anime things and played some amusing computer
games, and it was fun and relaxing.
Today's not been fun or relaxing. The course has moved on to PL/SQL, the
procedural wrapper thing around SQL, and it's dead easy. This means I spend a
lot of time twiddling my thumbs waiting for the rest of the delegates (who
mostly don't have any programming experience) to finish the exercises and the
like.
It's still too hot, and I'm still depressed. No news there.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jul 07 00:16:59 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is, Cambridge
Back in Cambridge. It's been raining, so I'm less hot, which is something, I
suppose.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jul 08 12:25:22 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is
Yesterday was a good day. H103 in the afternoon, talking to Ben, followed by
watching the jousting on Jesus Green with Clare over a very nice garlicky
chicken in baps we got from Sainsbury's. The Black Knight kept losing, which
was something of a fix; everyone was booing but we cheered, 'cause the slogan
of the day has to be `Equal Rights for Black Knights'.
Thence, via a visit to see Clare, Lucy, fanf, and Colin's new house (House!) to
Relativity for an emergency lack of party party, which was small but fun, with
plenty of Pink. Mmm.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 09 02:14:22 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is
The impression given by the text is that a ... and that while many may present
themselves, few are suitable and none are reliable. The author seems however
... not quite ... as his references to a glimmer of ... indicative that he
understands what is being suggested to him and what is being asked of him.
With this in mind, he seizes on aspects of the past that have not ... broaden
his ... to his immediate situation.
In the end, the author presents the inescapable ... definites and superlatives,
as can be seen from his use of words like `last', `best', `greatest', `ever',
and ... diagnosis at this stage. ... is left unclear.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 09 02:27:30 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is
`So here I am, in the middle way, having had twenty years --
Twenty years largely wasted, the years of l'entre deux guerres --
Trying to learn to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it. And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion. And what there is to conquer
By strength and submission, has already been discovered
Once or twice, or several times, by men whom one cannot hope
To emulate -- but there is no competition --
There is only the fight to recover what has been lost
And found and lost again and again: and now, under conditions
That seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.'
-- T.S.Eliot, `East Coker' (excerpts)
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 10 11:30:49 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Bah wheep graaah naah weep nini bong
Yes, I watched the Transformers movie with Gareth and Clare last night. It's
very silly. Not nearly as silly as the badly-dubbed episode of Transformers
Japanimation we watched afterwards, though.
Subject: Back at work
After last week's course, I'm back at work, and it's really quiet. Maybe
there's just not a great deal going on, but I keep finding that I have to
scrape around for things to do. I amused myself for a little bit earlier by
arranging an Apache / mod_ssl / Tomcat configuration on my machine with no
difficulty, where a developer in our US office has been taking weeks over the
same thing and still hasn't got it working. That done, however, I'm sort of
twiddling my thumbs again.
I suppose the really important thing that they pay me for, and that probably
makes me invaluable, is answering all the random questions that people bring
me...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 11 02:25:09 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is
A good Calling, with lots of good music and many happy huggy people. Also with
the discovery that the bar has Strobe. Whee!
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 11 18:05:25 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is
Ooh, work barbecue, complete with booze and unevenly cooked things. This is
probably the loosest definition of work I've yet employed, but since I came in
at ten, I shall be `working' until 6:30. Duty, you know.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 11 23:57:47 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is
Not every solution is a solution, nor is every solution a solution. We walk
these narrow paths, form these tight circles: nothing changes and everything
changes, moved only to change by change. There are ways out, but they are ways
out and not the ways through we need. Or ways through are not solutions. Not
every solution is a solution, nor is every solution a solution.
The contorted lengths to which your diarist will go to avoid speaking plainly
are sometimes truly amazing, but nothing compared to the lengths to which I
will go to avoid thinking plainly.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jul 12 17:41:02 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is
Believe, believe. I have to believe. I have to hold on to the reassurances I
have been given, believe them, and live them. In a situation where it is so
natural to say I am a friend, it seems like a very peculiar lack of trust when
I do not feel reassured and safe, when I feel hurt in spite of the kindness and
care I am offered. I'm not talking about trustworthiness here, though --
that's beyond question -- but about my ability to trust, and I suspect I'm not
even talking about that; I don't have difficulty trusting people, after all.
I think it's really a question of security, which is grounded in trust, but
also in self-worth, and it's there that depression comes in.
Depression, which is combatted by good trustworthy friends and the reassurances
they utter that I have to believe. Believe, believe.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jul 13 01:07:56 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is
But in the dark, when we see and know, it's hard. Even an evening of Starcraft
with Ben doesn't seem to have ligthtened that. I'm sorry, I know I'm messing
it all up, the easy route to self-destruction, but it seems I don't know how
not to. The fact remains that if I am upset by my environment, I should remove
myself from that environment, but in this electronic world where everything is
played out in idle times and login locations that's a remarkably hard thing to
do.
I don't even know what it's all really about. Love, or the memory of love,
friendship, hope, security, control? Parts of all of them, but none of them
really explain or excuse it. All I know is that I hurt, that there's nothing
material I can do to change that, and that I nevertheless have to get out of
this somehow. As scruple said, I can't carry on like this. Or should that be
`shouldn't carry on like this'? Maybe my resources are great enough that
somehow I can struggle through the next month, the next six months, the next
year, but should I?
I don't know. Life might get less stressful for a while in a couple of days,
and maybe just keeping on going on small mercies like that is all I can hope
for.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jul 13 01:49:19 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is
It's Friday the 13th. I wonder what bad things will happen, and to whom.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jul 14 10:15:46 2001]--
From: (S) however far away (steph)
Subject: Is
Clare is nice. She got me a shiny thing. So I helped her move into her new
big and shiny house.
Word of the day: plenipotentiary
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 16 00:16:06 2001]--
From: (S) with a hairbrush or a spoon (steph)
Subject: Is
Er. Wodge of stuff about the weekend will go here, but a day of Archers, much
ironing, British Grand Prix, Who, and Small Robots has sapped my energy, so a
wodge of Owen will go to bed instead.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 16 16:22:50 2001]--
From: (S) with a hairbrush or a spoon (steph)
Subject: Was
Right. Friday at work was a very lazy, sleepy, and downhearted day. I seemed
to lack enthusiasm for most things, and energy for the rest, so even though I'd
sloped in late at 10:15, I wandered off early at 5:15 and made my way to the
Gallery to help Clare empty all her worldly goods into a van. Before we did
any of that, though, she gave me a lovely shiny sequinny blue bracelet which I
spent large amounts of time going `ooh' at. There was a fair amount of
packing, too, though, and after a while enough stuff was loaded into the large
van Ben had hired for the weekend that we set off for the new place, or House!
as it is currently called.
It's as impressive on the inside as it is on the outside, with three floors and
quite a lot of space. It also has a garden and patio, which could be good for
barbecues and the like. Anyway, after some faff with furniture, and some
shopping, the first dinner (like the last supper, but less picturesque) was
cooked and eaten and followed by generous quantities of wine.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 17 11:17:51 2001]--
From: (S) with a hairbrush or a spoon (steph)
Subject: Was
Saturday was spent in a similar vein. I wandered over to House! at around
lunchtime, and having just missed Ben and Clare, sat around chatting to fanf
for a bit before helping him move some of his stuff into his room. Thence to
the Gallery to shift the rest of Clare's stuff and go ooh at a sinisterly empty
room.
In the evening we went over to Howard Close for Simon and Vicky's cat barbecue.
Toffee was of course far too lovely to be barbecued so we settled for sausages,
burgers, bacon, and marshmallows instead. After it got dark and cold outside
the party moved into the living room, which was quite a feat. Much wine was
drunk, Ben demonstrated remarkable aptitude for cigar-box-shuffling (is there a
better name for that?) and Andrew Walkingshaw played the guitar for us. A good
evening.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 17 14:38:26 2001]--
From: (S) with a hairbrush or a spoon (steph)
Subject: Is
I finally gave in last night and got bored of waiting for my copy of Warcraft
II Battle Net Edition to arrive from across the Atlantic, and bought a copy
from Game. It's a substantially less complex game than Starcraft, but
fundamentally the same sort of thing with the same sorts of trade-offs:
resources vs development vs attack vs defence. There's also great nostalgia
value, remembering post-pizza War2 games in Cockcroft 4. Plus it seems to work
with bnetd (the free implementation of Blizzard's battle.net protocol) so we
should be able to play it over the inter-house VPN!
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 18 00:55:46 2001]--
From: (S) with a hairbrush or a spoon (steph)
Subject: Is
I... wonder.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 18 12:29:45 2001]--
From: (S) with a hairbrush or a spoon (steph)
Subject: Is
*sigh* Bored, and vaguely fed up of work. I'm the only IT support in the
building today, but even that isn't keeping me particularly busy; I even appear
just to have volunteered to investigate a laptop's wonky sound facilities.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jul 20 00:26:59 2001]--
From: (S) with a hairbrush or a spoon (steph)
Subject: Is
Deeply depressed. I don't know what to do, and yet I have to do something.
What is a friendship worth? How much pain is a dear friend worth? More or
less than the pain of losing them?
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jul 20 18:55:30 2001]--
From: (S) with a hairbrush or a spoon (steph)
Subject: Is
Hmm. Draughts, Snakes&Ladders, Ludo, and Tiddlywinks are a strange substitute
for serious conversations, but they lightened my mood a little, for which I'm
grateful.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jul 22 22:52:39 2001]--
From: (S) with a hairbrush or a spoon (steph)
Subject: Weekending
It's not been too bad, really; I finally managed to crack the final Terran
single player mission from original StarCraft, went hunting for tandems with
Ben, played Kings&Things with Ben and Clare, bought a Psion Series 5mx, and
watched Who.
So why do I still find myself so bloody depressed? Why does everything seem so
impossible, so doomed to fail, to make everyone unhappy and ultimately to
destroy me?
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 24 09:53:04 2001]--
From: (S) with a hairbrush or a spoon (steph)
Subject: Is
I don't mind at all that Laser-Scan seems to hire a largish number of
foreigners; as long as they can do what they're hired to do I don't care where
they're from. What perplexes me somewhat, though, is the tendency towards
hiring people with very thick accents and wonky English. Given the trouble I
have understanding them when they come to me for assistance, I find myself
wondering quite how they managed the interview.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 25 11:19:12 2001]--
From: (S) the way in which you are not (steph)
Subject: Catch-up
Monday was quite good, actually. The usual pizza gathering was joined by Simon
and Vicky, who'd just returned from their long weekend in Shropshire, and later
went to Greenend for a relatively quiet post-pizza gathering. Lots of people
seemed to have found random books to read or were making up for lost
connectivity by borrowing a laptop. Later, Jenga and, on remembering that
Greenend was five years old at midnight, a small celebration.
I also brought the strange wooden massage ladybirds I got from Erotica
downstairs, which a few people seemed to appreciate.
By contrast, Tuesday was mired in the usual depressions for the usual reasons
and non-reasons; I couldn't concentrate on anything at work, and lots of small
things conspired to keep me down for much of the evening. I didn't make it to
the Calling, but I did eventually manage to sort myself out some food and to
listen to `Dust Breeding', a Big Finish audio Who with Sylvester McCoy and
Sophie Aldred. Probably just as well, since the next one, `Bloodtide' (with
Colin Baker) arrived a few days ago.
The evening meandered on, I remained fairly low as I lost a few single-player
games of StarCraft, and I ended up wittering at lark for a bit, for whose
sympathy I'm grateful.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 25 16:58:11 2001]--
From: (S) the way in which you are not (steph)
Subject: Is
Think of all the ponderings -- do I ask too much or not enough, am I getting
better or worse, what do I feel, what do you feel, can I get through this, is
it worth it -- and you have what this diary entry would have been about if I'd
had the right words.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jul 26 10:20:06 2001]--
From: (S) the way in which you are not (steph)
Subject: Is
After a goodish pair of Angel and Buffy episodes at the Gallery last night, I
found myself back at home quite early, so I had another crack at the next
couple of Zerg single-player missions. Miraculously, I cracked it, and the
chrysalis I've been so carefully protecting hatched into...
Kerrigan! Complete with added spikes!
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jul 28 23:55:43 2001]--
From: (S) the way in which you are not (steph)
Subject: Is
So, I've spent a day in Hay, and a jolly wonderful place it is too. Lots
of bookshops with lots of books and lots of friendly people at the wedding we
did after all come here for. I'll write more when I retrun to Cambridge. At
the moment I'm indulging in a little gratuitous spodding from my Psion with the
aid of MindTerm and my mobile phone. I should probably thus avoid verbosity
and curl up with a good book.
Hay!
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jul 29 21:05:29 2001]--
From: (S) the way in which you are not (steph)
Subject: Is (Back in Cambridge)
Maybe it was just the long hot journey in stuffy trains, but I nevertheless
noticed a gradual sink in my mood the closer we got to Cambridge on today's
journey back from Hay. All the darkness has returned as if it were a cloud
hovering above this place that can only truly shaken by leaving, and by leaving
for more than just a weekend. This city sometimes seems so lacking in
horizons, in so many ways.
Maybe it's just excess hunger and tiredness, though.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 01 17:09:46 2001]--
From: (S) the way in which you are not (steph)
Subject: Is
I had a quiet night in last night, which wasn't too bad a thing. I got a
chance to listen to the most recent Big Finish Doctor Who adventure,
`Bloodtide', with Colin Baker encountering Charles Darwin and some Silurians in
the Galapagos Islands. It's quite fun, and puts an interesting new twist on
what we already knew about the Silurians, as well as confirming my feeling that
Colin Baker is a lot better as the Doctor than many seem to think.
I pushed my StarCraft single-player campaign on a bit, taking Kerrigan and her
Zerg back to their home planet Char to bash those nasty infiltrating Protoss.
Er, what else? Well, I talked to Ben a bit, and then went to bed.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 01 17:17:00 2001]--
From: (S) the way in which you are not (steph)
Subject: Is
Today I've been oddly productive at work. It's too easy, in an empty office on
my own without by boss to give me new things to do, to fiddle with things in a
directionless way and not get a great deal done. Certainly, I end up
investigating things that might be useful to the Company, and a large part of
what I'm paid for is just being here to answer questions, but I nevertheless
don't feel nearly as useful when doing that as I do when, like today, I rattle
through the to-do list, ticking things off at a fairly regular rate.
Which isn't to say I've not had time for a bit of good old-fashioned
timewasting as well; I've installed RAS on my NT box here at work, so that I
can do TCP/IP things with my Psion without having to resort to connecting to
FreeServe via my mobile. Remarkably it works, although it did require more
reboots than I was expecting.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Aug 02 00:27:31 2001]--
From: (S) In my end is my beginning (steph)
Subject: Is
`Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden.'
-- T.S. Eliot, `Burnt Norton' (excerpt)
There were words, but they were not words. All the natural and good things
felt unnatural and wrong and stuck not in my throat but in the mind that would
have directed the throat. What remained was the bland statement of future, as
feeling in context as it was feelingless in content, and its blandness too felt
unnatural and wrong, an exquisitely crafted betrayal of us all.
I had hoped, as I always hope, for closure, that everything would bring us to a
point beyond which there would be no more fear and no more questions. But
there is always the question we never asked and the fear we never dared
express; no conversation is ever finished and nothing is ever resolved, except
for us, by untimely Time.
I am not weak. No weak man would even see that there was a path to follow, let
alone have the strength to follow it, but my strength is instinctive. Not
thought but felt, my strength is something I almost cannot escape. In its own
way, that is a terrible weakness.
`Is there a life before death? That's chalked up
on a wall downtown. Competence with pain,
coherent miseries, a bite and sup,
we hug our little destinies again.'
-- Seamus Heaney, `Dedicatory Poem from Wintering Out' (excerpt)
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Aug 04 15:46:24 2001]--
From: (S) In my end is my beginning (steph)
Subject: Is
So, I appear to have bought a laptop. It's an IBM ThinkPad 560Z, and it cost
me the princely sum of L460 from the nice people at Computer Resale. The
keyboard isn't at all bad, the machine is tolerably fast and will quite happily
run StarCraft, and I seem to have got the wireless networking going on it
without any difficulty at all.
Um. I also accidentally wandered into Heffers and bought a couple of Doctor
Who audios (`The Highlanders', which introduces Jamie, and `The Macra Terror'
which is the story immediately following `The Moonbase', of which only half
still exists in video form.)
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Aug 05 02:56:51 2001]--
From: (S) In my end is my beginning (steph)
Subject: Is
In the end, even after a good party at House!, there's reality, the truth, and
the future. At the moment, nothing is as certain as impending uncertainty.
Often when things are unclear and unsettled, I can calm myself by imagining
some future time when things seem clearer to me and unsettle me less. One of
the more alarming features of this episode is that I cannot currently envisage
such a time.
Uncertainty and bewilderment about what to do increase as the time approaches
when I will have to make a decision (or possibly decide not to make a decision)
about what course of action to take.
Darkness grows in me, and the light is weakened. Noble motives are gradually
eroded by unworthy emotions. Creation gives way to destruction. This isn't
the way it was supposed to be, nor the way it was, and somehow I need to fix
it, put it back. We cannot go back, of course, and nothing can be undone or
unsaid, so I have to move forward, but all the ways forward are destructive or
impossible. There are always choices, but when they are all defined away,
there are no choices at all.
At times like this I ponder distance. All the distances, physical and
emotional, to all the people I've had cause to consider: at times like these
they fade away. Nobody's here.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 07 09:54:56 2001]--
From: (S) eep shopping (steph)
Subject: Catching up again
On Sunday my parents came to visit, so after chatting for a bit at home, we
wandered over to the Free Press for lunch and I introduced my Dad to Jenga,
which was fun. I also tried to get the mains lead that had come with my laptop
changed for the right sort, but contrary to what I'd been told by someone
(can't remember who) Computer Resale aren't open on Sundays. Still, hacking an
existing figure-of-eight connector about a bit with a stanley knife produced
something that worked with my laptop's power supply, so I have a stand-in way
of charging the thing until I get a chance to get a proper cable.
In the afternoon, there was the usual Doctor Who watching, but this week's
story, `The Chase' was appalling! It meandered pointlessly around being silly
for a whole six episodes, too, so the whole thing was really quite an effort.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Aug 09 09:47:09 2001]--
From: (S) eep shopping (steph)
Subject: Is
More catching up, but hey. I've managed to install Linux on my laptop (still
got the wireless LAN and APM to sort out, but it's fundamentally there), I'm
off to Maidenhead again in September, I beat Lucy at chess on Tuesday, and
Clare's back! Hurrah! *bounce* *hugs*
It rained a lot last night, which was lovely. I could hear it drumming on my
roof and clattering on the gravel outside my window. When I woke up early at
5ish, I just sat and looked out of the window and listened to the rain,
marvelling at how fresh and quiet the world seemed at that time of the morning.
I thought of getting up and going out for a walk, but I just sat and watched
the rain for a bit instead.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Aug 10 17:22:58 2001]--
From: (S) emotional biscuit (steph)
Subject: Is
Headache and depression today, so not in work, and eventually slunk round to
Simon's to visit Vicky due to being too lonely and unhappy.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Aug 10 23:36:23 2001]--
From: (S) emotional biscuit (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, company, food, and distraction helped a little. I've managed to get
wireless networking going on my laptop, and tinkering with various Debian
things has nearly filled this evening.
So all I need to do is find something to do tomorrow evening, and so on...
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Aug 12 00:51:36 2001]--
From: (S) emotional biscuit (steph)
Subject: Is
Strength, and why it's so worth it. That's all, really.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Aug 13 14:23:44 2001]--
From: (S) emotional biscuit (steph)
Subject: Was
Followed by weakness, and why that makes us forget the strength so completely.
Subject: Is
IBM are strange. I ordered some new nipples (stop sniggering at the back) for
my ThinkPad from their web site last week, and they arrived today, in one tiny
corner of a huge A4 jiffy bag. This is the third envelope I've had from IBM
about these things, too; I've already received the four page terms and
conditions of warranty waffle and an invoice. It probably cost them more to
ship me the things than it did to make them.
Subject: Will Be
I've renewed my Big Finish Doctor Who subscription for another six months, as
well as ordering the Dalek Empire quartet of plays and a few of the earlier BF
Who CDs. Down many moneys -- oops.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 14 10:40:01 2001]--
From: (S) emotional biscuit (steph)
Subject: Is
I went to pizza, and post-pizza at House! last night. With Ian there, loud,
and sitting on a higher chair than everyone else, the place felt very much like
an outpost of Relativity. Still, I did get to see some shooting stars from
the patio.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 14 17:11:10 2001]--
From: (S) emotional biscuit (steph)
Subject: Is
No energy, no enthusiasm, no tasks for work. I've taken to building kernels on
my laptop, which isn't work or really remotely like it. It's not dreadfully
interesting either.
For this evening, I have to fix a broken NT system before friends come round.
Company is good, and I'll be glad of it when it arrives, but the weight of
broken things is rather oppressive sometimes.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 15 17:34:51 2001]--
From: (S) emotional biscuit (steph)
Subject: Is
My NT installation is broken and the only practical way to fix it is going to
be to reinstall. Not what I wanted, really, but it did give me a chance to try
my laptop with an external keyboard, monitor, and mouse for last night's
StarCraft games. It worked remarkably well, really...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 15 17:36:35 2001]--
From: (S) emotional biscuit (steph)
Subject: Really
I use that word too much.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 15 23:36:23 2001]--
From: (S) emotional biscuit (steph)
Subject: Is
These are the whispers and the scritchings.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Aug 16 23:18:29 2001]--
From: (S) keeper of truths, speaker of none (steph)
Subject: Is
An unsatisfactory evening. Yes, I finished listening to `The Highlanders', and
ate properly, and watched an interesting documentary on the television about
how the story of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah might have come about.
On the other hand, I tried and failed to revive my dead NT installation on my
desktop PC, decided in lieu of that to at least restore my StarCraft saved
single-player game from backups, and discovered that that was sufficiently far
behind where I'd actually got to that I couldn't really be bothered to play it.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Aug 19 02:26:11 2001]--
From: (S) keeper of truths, speaker of none (steph)
Subject: Is
...so it's fortunate that enough people read this diary to remind me to use the
cheat codes to get to where I really left off! No cow level, indeed...
Today I have been mostly investigating the contents of the Atlantic Ocean,
although there was a little bit of single-player StarCraft, some reading (`No
Enemy But Time' by Michael Bishop), listening to the first of the Big Finish
Dalek Empire series of audio plays, and finally wandering over to the Gallery
for some Cities&Knights and emergency rain-avoidance in the form of the last
two episodes of `Underworld'.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Aug 20 17:18:35 2001]--
From: (S) leave to find / redefine (steph)
Subject: Weekend
On Friday Eek! was two, so lots of people gathered at the Gallery to wish a
small bat a big birthday, including Emma who had baked him a huge spider cake
(yum!) which we proceeded to dismember. Lots of other people visited him, too.
When I grow up I want to be a small bat. :-)
I got back to Greenend to find Christi's weird roleplaying friends snorting
white powder, but when it turned out to be sherbet, I decided that they're just
bloody strange rather than bloody stupid.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Aug 20 17:23:02 2001]--
From: (S) leave to find / redefine (steph)
Subject: Weekend, Sunday
I'm getting very confused by the order I'm writing this in, although I was
confused by parties being on Friday which can't have helped.
Sunday was Archers, Grand Prix, Who (the unreleased BBC release of `The Reign
of Terror' which was really quite good), small robots with Ben, Clare, Gareth,
and Chris, and then a pleasant walk home.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 21 10:27:32 2001]--
From: (S) leave to find / redefine (steph)
Subject: Will Be
With a very little bit of luck I'll be in Iceland next week on holiday. I have
flights reserved and hotels reserved, so all that now remains is form-filling
and paying money. With forms going by post it might be a bit tight, but I'm
sure it'll all work.
Whee!
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 21 23:18:18 2001]--
From: (S) leave to find / redefine (steph)
Subject: Is
Calling. Depression.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 22 15:18:24 2001]--
From: (S) leave to find / redefine (steph)
Subject: Is
One holiday to Iceland booked. All I need to do now is start looking forward
to it again; at the moment I seem to have no enthusiasm at all for it or
anything else.
After good evenings on Sunday and Monday during which I felt reasonably buoyant
and coping -- a lot of things seemed good and happy and positive, and the bad
things didn't seem insurmountable -- yesterday evening and today have been a
rather unpleasant surprise. I know what the trigger was, but it doesn't
explain enough of the subsequent depression.
How long do you suppose it'll take to get through this? Months? Years? This
lost soul doesn't know. It only knows that it is lost and that it does not
know, and tries, as gently as it can manage, to seek a little warmth.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Aug 23 12:43:22 2001]--
From: (S) leave to find / redefine (steph)
Subject: Is
A little better today, for which thanks should go to all my friends, but in
particular to bjh, ceb, lucifer, and lark for being nice and huggy to me. I
also don't have any work for a week and a half at the end of today, which has
to be a good thing.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Aug 27 20:31:10 2001]--
From: (S) leave to find / redefine (steph)
Subject: Is
This whole interweb thing is quite nifty, really. I'm currently in the
intenational departures lounge at Heathrow, and have exhausted the
excitement that the duty free shops have to offer with half an hour to go until
I have to be somewhere else. A little spodding, therefore, makes a pleasant
time-consuming exercise for fifteen minutes or so.
In case you weren't awar, I'm flying to Iceland for a week's holiday.
Postcards, rocks, and horses will be sent.
BiCon in Coventry was fun and useful, but a proper review will have to wait
until another time.
Just think: this time tomorrow I'll have been snowmobiling on a glacier. See
you in a week.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Sep 04 13:36:23 2001]--
From: (S) leave to find / redefine (steph)
Subject: Is
I think part of the point of getting away from it all has to be getting back to
it all. For all that it was wonderful to stand and listen and hear nothing but
the sound of my heart modulating my breath, I did at times wish that there were
someone beside me to share it all with. Now I'm back, I can share it all with
all my friends, and that's really wonderful.
I'm changing, things around me are changing, and predictions are fulfilled in
unpredicted ways.
`In order to arrive at what you are not
You must go through the way in which you are not.'
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 05 11:28:37 2001]--
From: (S) leave to find / redefine (steph)
Subject: Is
Argh. I appear to have the sniffles, and I'm now worried that I've infected my
friends with an Icelandic cold :-(.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Sep 09 00:55:20 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
No diary of BiCon or of Iceland yet, I know. The former is due to lack of
effort and the latter due to lack of pictures (to remind me of the things I did
that I've forgotten about), but something will appear here in due course.
Between Iceland and now is a different matter, so.
Subject: Was
I got back late on Monday evening to a house that had obviously gone to sleep,
only later discovering that Vicky had stuck around hoping for me to arrive and
provide proof that I hadn't died in an air crash. I'll have to remember to
tell people flight times next time I go anywhere, I think.
Tuesday was spent gradually blearing my way out of bed, unpacking properly -- I
had fallen into bed with very little ado the previous night -- and doing
washing. I was glad not to have to go to work that day because of all the
stuff to do, and because I was still feeling somewhat tired after the previous
day's travelling. (I suspect the cold didn't help either.) I was visited by
Vicky in the afternoon, and went round to the Gallery in the evening, getting a
chance to enthuse lots about my holiday at my friends. I also caught up on one
episode of Buffy, so I'd only have the previous week's Angel extra to watch the
next day.
On Wednesday I was back at work, feeling quite chirpy, and being quite useful,
and Buffy+Angel in the evening, although without Clare, Ben, and James there it
was a much reduced gathering.
Thursday evening was spent at Simon's, swapping words for coffee, trying to
resist the urge to make too many bad jokes, and finally watching `The Wrong
Trousers', Just Because. It's definitely a good thing to watch to unwind,
because it's so much fun and there are always little things in the background
to notice. The attention to silly little details is something I _like_ about
Aardman Animations productions.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Sep 09 23:20:14 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Weekending
Friday evening was two things, the first of which was a much-needed chance to
have an evening in to be useful. Two of my computers are broken in various
ways and needed fixing (one softwarily due to Windows NT being useless and one
hardwarily due to a broken hard drive), so I had to look at those, and my room
was still a complete mess due to having had Iceland poured into the middle of
it on Monday night. I tidied, hoovered, did lots of washing, and was generally
quite pleased to find that I had a floor by the time the evening turned into
the second thing: Vicky visiting for a little while after a strange Ann Summers
party at Relativity.
I like evenings where you get the chance to do more than one thing. It almost
feels like two evenings :-).
On Saturday I wandered over to House! to visit Lucy and enthuse at her about my
holiday in Iceland (everyone who hasn't already heard this is being told about
it because I've not stopped bouncing yet, so sorry if I begin to sound like a
stuck record!), and we went from there to the Relativity Gigasecond party,
forming a celebration of 1000000000 seconds since the start of Unix time. It
was great fun, with great people, and I had a great time, even if I did leave
shortly after midnight due to tiredness and a headache. It's been a while
since I enjoyed a party quite so unequivocally.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 12 10:30:15 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Was
Yesterday was a very strange day, and I suspect one of those days that people
will remember for quite some time. The images of the second plane flying into
the WTC as the cameras watched, and of people waving frantically from the
windows of the building seconds before it collapsed...
Many people got no work at all done yesterday afternoon. There was a strange
sense of stunned community, thanking whomever that friends were OK.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Sep 14 16:24:16 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
It seems next to no time since I got back from Iceland, and I'm away again on
Sunday evening to Utter Maidenhead once more. I should probably put at least
some of my Iceland diary in here...
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Sep 14 16:26:31 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Iceland Diary, Monday 27th August
I got to Heathrow with the recommended two hours to spare before my flight, and
spent most of that time wandering around the airport's shops to fill the time.
It's interesting to note the effect that the EU's abolition of duty-free has
had; the shops are now full of complicated signs dividing the goods into
'everyone can buy' and 'travellers outside the EU only'. I could have bought
some port or something duty-free, but it would have meant carting it around
Iceland with me...
Once on the flight we taxied around the runways at Heathrow for what seemed
like an age before taking off. Then, though, the lights of London below us
were _so_ pretty. Roads were strung out like Christmas tree lights, with small
specks of white dawdling along them. As well as eating the regulation airline
food (which was actually quite nice; even more of a surprise since it contained
fish!) I read and dozed, and managed to avoid the in-flight movie by dint of
sitting right behind the curtain dividing business class from economy class.
(Why they can't just have first and second class,I don't know.)
We landed at Keflavik at about 23:45 GMT -- Iceland runs on GMT all year round,
so I had to put my BST watch back an hour -- and having made it through customs
and all that I met the Arctic Experience representative, and walked out of the
terminal building into a beautifully cold, wet, rainy night. They say nobody
comes to Iceland for the weather. They're wrong.
I got to my hotel, not Leifurs Eriksson as I was expecting, but a new hotel,
the Oak, owned by the same people, and got up to my room to sleep. Bit of a
shame, then, that I slept fitfully, for not long after 2am it had started to
get light again.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Sep 14 16:28:43 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Iceland Diary, Tuesday 28th August
An early start, the first of many, as I got up for a 7:30 breakfast (nothing
fancy, just cornflakes, toast, and much-needed coffee) in the restaurant around
the corner that served as the hotel restaurant for the Oak Hotel. Then a brief
wait in reception before being picked up by a 4x4 minibus for the day's
expedition. From the very first, it becomes clear just how common 4x4 vehicles
are in Iceland. If not every other car, then certainly every third I saw on
the roads of Reykjavik that morning were four wheel drive.
Once we'd stopped off at a number of other hotels to collect more passengers,
we set off along the Hringbraut (Ring Road, road number 1 that goes nearly all
the way around Iceland) towards the Myrdalsjokull glacier where we were going
snowmobiling. The weather at this stage was really quite damp and misty and it
was almost doubtful that we'd be able to go snowmobiling as planned, but since
it was still dry on the glacier (according to our guide, who phoned to check
the weather) we went straight there rather than stopping to see the usual
sights on the way.
When we turned onto a gravel track to climb up to the glacier, the ride got
distinctly bumpier, but that was nothing in comparison to the ludicrous vehicle
we went onwards in once we'd been put in boots, overalls, and helmets. This
was serious terrain crossing machinery, for crossing serious terrain, and it
took us to the bottom of the icy bit of the glacier where the snowmobiles were
lined up waiting for us. Snowmobiles are quite simple things; you squeeze a
lever on the right handlebar and they move forwards, and the rest is steering.
They're not so easy to steer, though. I think this is because the skis in
front have a tendency to tramline and follow the path of the mobile (skidoo,
I've also heard them called) in front.
It took a little while for me to get up to speed; about as long as it took for
me to get confidence, in fact, so I lagged behind the rest of the group until
the first stop we made (to check everyone was OK), at which point I found my
feet, so to speak.
Apart from a bit of rain and dazzle making it hard for me to see near the top
of the journey up, it was great fun! At the top, we got off our snowmobiles to
be shown what is underneath the glacier: a big caldera, with five cracks in the
side, which is the reason why Myrdalsjokull has five 'tongues'.
On the way back to Reykjavik. we stopped at the stunning Skogafoss
waterfall,and at another (Selfoss,I think) which it was possible to walk
behind.
I wandered around Reykjavik in the evening, and found myself a nice meal of
Icelandic lamb with potatoes, and followed this with a wander around the city
at night just as the nightlife was beginning to kick in. One thing I saw which
I'd completely forgotten might be there was the house where Reagan and
Gorbachev signed their Reykjavik treaty.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Sep 16 15:30:43 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
More once I've worked out what to do with the silly high-bit-set characters the
original text for the next day's entry contained.
I'll be doing that from Utter Maidenhead, mind, as I'm being trained to be a
DBA for the next week and four days. Back sometime next Thursday evening.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Sep 17 23:08:57 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, that was a bit of an effort. I'm not sure which of the myriad settings
Win98 has to offer I tweaked right, but I've finally made this silly computer
dial up from my hotel room in Maidenhead. I probably shouldn't stick around
long; the phone is costing work silly money per minute (and I wonder if I
shouldn't invest in some sort of chargecard) and while I'm happy to put at
least some spodding on expenses because they asked me to stay in touh, it's not
something I ought to abuse.
This visit to Maidenhead has several advantages over the last one:
* I'm not horribly messed up about my life.
* It's not Summer and far too hot.
* I'm in a tolerably nice hotel a short walk from Maidenhead centre (rather
than the dump I was in last time).
* I'm on my own out here, rather than with coworkers, which means I'm free to
do as I please after a day's training.
Even so, it was nice to hear a friendly voice on the end of the phone, so many
thanks and *hugs* should go to lark for that.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Sep 24 19:22:23 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
An absence of words from me of late, here. Last week I was on an Oracle course
(DBA1A, Database Architecture and Administration) and this week I'm on another
Oracle course (DBA1B, Backup and Recovery), but I'll be back in Cambridge on
Thursday evening. I'll be glad of it, too; while I've been a lot happier this
time than I was last time I was on a training course here, I've missed people
and it'll be good to be able to catch up with everyone...
All of which said, I had a wonderful weekend. Vicky came down from Cambridge
to visit me, and as well as a lovely Chinese meal in Maidenhead on Friday, we
went to Windsor on Saturday and wandered around the town (at least in part to
seek out magic glop for my perpetually tangly hair) and the Castle. It was a
bit of a revelation, really. Reading the history in the exhibition there, I
read about how monarchs had made their own mark on the place during their
reigns, and I felt a bit sad that it's not the sort of thing that today's
monarchy would do. By a twist of fate, though, the fire of 1992 has meant that
there have been some changes to the place in modern times, and the results are
superb. You can tell that the new parts are new, but they aren't in the
slightest bit out of place.
Windsor Royal Station is cool too. The old station building and many of the
fittings are still there, but the railway itself now only occupies a small
corner. In the rest there is a wonderful mix of shops, cafes, and stalls. (I
must remember to ask a train buff what other lines used to go to that station,
as it used to have at least three platforms, from what I could see in the
photographs of its former self dotted around the place.)
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Sep 28 22:53:05 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm back! Hurrah!
Did you miss me?
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Sep 29 18:59:07 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
Ooh, shopping with Ben and Clare, including a doorbell and a big Times Atlas of
World History, which counts as a successful day to me. Unfortunately, my left
hip (or something in that area; I was never very good at biology) has been
aching all day and I'm not quite sure why or what to do about it. Perhaps it
will go away overnight.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 02 11:34:33 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
A strangely small pizza and post-pizza, but somehow the conversations were that
bit more engaging over dinner. Perhaps it was that there were sufficiently few
of us that everyone could contribute to the same conversations or something.
*shrug* Post-pizza was at Greenend, where quantities of beer and port were
drunk, and we ended up in a relatively sedate game of `I have never'. My head
and body-clock disapproved, for I woke up at 9:20 this morning with a headache,
but I had a jolly good time, so ner.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 02 15:49:34 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
And, and, and, unprecedented in many locals' memories, Greenend has a doorbell!
Furthermore, it's outside the house, so that it can be rung by those seeking
entry. Compared to these miracles, the fact that it's wireless and works by
sending radio waves through the ether is really quite humdrum.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Oct 04 10:18:04 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Telephony
Lordy, I hate telephones. Vicky rang me mid-Buffy last night, so I said I'd
ring her back in the break between Buffy and the following Angel. I did so, on
my mobile thing, and got reception at the hotel where she and Simon are
staying. Then I realised I didn't know what room number, got flustered,
apologised, and hung up.
I looked up the room number in a message I'd received, and tried again. This
time, success. I got through to Vicky and...
`One minute remaining. One minute remaining.'
...I've run out of airtime. I get Vicky to call me back, and we have a bit of
a conversation until...
*bee-boo-beep* `Switching Off'
...my phone runs out of battery power. I can now neither ring back nor find
the hotel number (which is stored in the phone somewhere), and can do little
but throw my hands up in frustration and give up. Fortunately, Vicky rang the
Gallery phone and I managed to finish the sentence I was on when I'd run out of
battery, but *gah*.
Wonderful though it may be to talk to someone hundreds of miles away, sometimes
the whole technology thing is one big immense wodge of faff and frustration.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Oct 07 13:37:31 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
It seems that even a good day's shopping in Camden, life being generally good,
and anti-depressants can't stop me becoming unhappy at a party. I'm me, but
I'm still just me.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Oct 07 23:04:32 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
...and down most of today too. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 08 16:01:30 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
On Saturday evening, I was round at Simon and Vicky's flat, and because they
happen to have a couple of cuboctahedra on a shelf, we ended up talking a bit
about polyhedra. Today I did a bit of googling, and found a wonderful little
program called Stella that draws pretty polyhedra and lets you stellate them
and do other such things to them. Unfortunately it's payware, and $75 for the
full version, but it's probably worth fiddling with the demo a bit anyway:
http://home.connexus.net.au/~robandfi/Stella.html
(The cute cat at http://home.connexus.net.au/~robandfi/JPeg/Cat.jpg is
unfortunately not included in the full version...)
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 10 16:40:25 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Is
A lot of the time, I do things at work by intuition and `mostly remembering'
things, and it serves me well. I spend less time faffing around in paperwork
trying to find information that I already know. So, asked to install Unix and
Samba on a machine called lsxa5c, I think `that's the one in the Test Group'
and set about the task. When I get to the point of configuring Samba, though,
it won't join the domain. Hmph. I bring up Server Manager to check the
machine has a domain account, and lo and behold, it does. Rather worryingly
for a machine where I've not yet started Samba, it appears to be up. Even more
worryingly for a machine I've just installed Unix on, it appears to contain an
installation of Windows NT.
The thing is, I wasn't wrong. The machine in the Test Group _is_ lsxa5c --
I've checked the serial number -- but so is this other machine. They're both
in the assets database with the same machine name. *sigh* Something tells me
we need a unique key constraint somewhere...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 15 01:13:51 2001]--
From: (S) the silver chain of sound (steph)
Subject: Argh!
We're doomed. COOKEEGIRL is back. Wanting silly putty. Again.
It's all my fault, too. If I'd come up with a more sensible name...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 17 09:30:17 2001]--
From: (S) fou et mou (steph)
Subject: Is
Gently mimbling through. I didn't go to the Calling last night as I was
planning to; I felt too tired and thought it would be better to have a quiet
evening in, rebuiling my desktop computer in its new Windows 2000 mould. I
also listened to the first half of the latest Big Finish Doctor Who audo,
`Colditz', a McCoy adventure set in the obvious place. So far, it's quite fun.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Oct 20 21:29:01 2001]--
From: (S) fou et mou (steph)
Subject: Is
At Relativity, after a day's shopping, and curry has been ordered but hasn't
yet turned up. I'm hungry and tired, but feel that I ought to go to both
Richard's party and pop in at the Empire.
I need to remember, though, that I have an obligation to myself as well...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 23 09:43:51 2001]--
From: (S) fou et mou (steph)
Subject: Acquisitions
On Saturday I went shopping, as has already been noted, and one of my
acquisitions was version 3.0 of the Unicode standard. Though largely composed
of tables, it has a lot of other useful information in it, and additionally it
came with a CD. If you place this CD in your CD player, you will hear the
following:
Unicode, Oh Unicode!
Oh, beautiful for Uni-Han,
for spacious User Zone!
For rampant scripts of India
and polar Nunavut!
Chorus:
Unicode, Oh Unicode!
May all your code points shine forever
and your beacon light the world!
Oh, marvelous for sixteen bits,
for precious surrogates!
For Bi-Di algorithm dear
and stalwart I-P-A!
Oh, glorious for Hangul fair,
for symbols mathematical!
For myriad exotic scripts
and punctuation we adore!
You may boggle now.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Oct 26 12:20:00 2001]--
From: (S) fou et mou (steph)
Subject: Is
I think my current phase of not being quite as happy as I have been (mostly due
to a cut in the dose of anti-depressants) has made me less tolerant and more
ratty. I've just fled my office, where a quite annoying person from Hardware
is being taught various things about Windows 2000 by my coworker. I'm sure
he's being no more irritating than he ever was, but my capacity to just tune
out the noise from the other side of the office has gone, so I'm hiding in a
back room near reception using what is in effect a public access terminal and
VNCing back to my descktop.
Apart from VNC being excruciatingly slow, it's actually quite good. It's quiet
and cool and uncluttered here and I can think a bit more easily about the
things I'm going to need to do tomorrow to move our internal mail system from
VMS to Unix.
I should retreat here more often, I think.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Oct 27 14:14:25 2001]--
From: (S) MIT-MAGIC-COOKEE-1 (steph)
Subject: Is
Last night was quite a good bit of relaxation, really. After dinner at Simon
and Vicky's (including some gratuitous spoddery and laughing at the rather poor
show lsh made of being an SSH2 server), we went to see Enigma, which was really
rather good even if it did leave me confused by all of the switchbacks in one
of the two main plot threads. Shades of Mission Impossible there, perhaps.
This morning I wandered into work at a leisurely 10:30, followed my simple
instructions, and moved a mail system. As easy as that, it seems, for
everything I'd hoped would work seems to be working. I think it's just a case
of waiting until Monday when it'll become clear what I've forgotten. Just like
the IP address renumbering we did a year or so ago, this has gone remarkably
smoothly, and I suspect I can blame that on excessively cautious planning.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 30 12:11:41 2001]--
From: (S) MIT-MAGIC-COOKEE-1 (steph)
Subject: Is
Hmm. A shiny new SunBlade has been rented to us so that we can test some of
our software on it. Unfortunately, Sun have switched to USB for keyboards and
mice, and we have no USB keyboards or mice. *sigh*
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 31 12:53:08 2001]--
From: (S) MIT-MAGIC-COOKEE-1 (steph)
Subject: Is
So tired this week, for some reason, and even more so last night at home and
today at work. I fear I might not thus have been wonderful company to a
visiting Vicky, and I'm certainly being less than 100% useful at work. I don't
know why, but it's possible it's just a bit more anti-depressant comedown
stuff, or a cold or something.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 31 22:29:14 2001]--
From: (S) MIT-MAGIC-COOKEE-1 (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, it could well be a cold. I've had a splitting headache all evening, and
it's showing no signs of going away even after a couple of paracetamol. I
doubt sitting here staring at a monitor is helping the situation, though, so I
shall cease my PuTTY frobbing and go and do something less taxing on the eyes.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Nov 01 11:55:43 2001]--
From: (S) MIT-MAGIC-COOKEE-1 (steph)
Subject: Is
And back at work today I feel a lot better. Admittedly I did get in at about
10 due to sleeping exceptionally well (antihistamines do that to me), and
didn't actually make it to my desk until about 10:40, but still.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 05 10:49:51 2001]--
From: (S) MIT-MAGIC-COOKEE-1 (steph)
Subject: Weekending
Having spent much of last week thinking it was Friday when it was nothing of
the sort, I was quite glad when it actually _was_ Friday. To celebrate I went
round to the Gallery where we ate sausages, and watched another part of the Key
to Time (`The Stones of Blood', IIRC).
Saturday was parental visitation day. I showed my parents my Iceland photos,
we went for lunch in the Free Press (which is still a lovely place and I still
like Mild), I accidentally bought a couple of Big Finish audios from Forbidden
Planet, looked at their Austria photos, and then they went home.
I frobbed PuTTY fairly aimlessly for much of the rest of the day, trying to get
matching tick and back-tick glyphs out of Windows fonts. (If you don't know
what I'm talking about, look at this: `Red'. If the quotes are a matching
pair, your font is good and lovely. If the left quote is slanted but the right
quote is vertical, your font is evil, bad, and wrong and has been eaten by the
Unicode Brain Destructors. Please report to your nearest VT320 for
reprogramming.)
Peter cooked a meal for Steve, John, Rachel, and me in the evening. He really
is quite a good cook these days, and the result was superb. Dinner was
punctuated with Steve and John fiddling with some new wireless LAN kit, which
just goes to show that Steve is an unashamed techie. After that we all
wandered off to Richard K and LNR's housewarming. It's a lovely house, with a
living room that manages to be spacious, cosy, and inviting all at once. And
it has pillars, arches, and a mug rail. I want it.
Perhaps because of all the alcohol that went with the meal, I was quite sleepy
on Sunday morning. I got up and managed to catch the Archers, but I drifted
off to sleep immediately afterwards and got up again at about one. Later,
there was Whoop at the Gallery, including the wondrously dreadful `Feast of
Stephen' episode of `The Daleks' Master Plan'. I'm not sure whether the loss
of the video for this episode isn't something of a blessing...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 05 23:43:44 2001]--
From: (S) MIT-MAGIC-COOKEE-1 (steph)
Subject: Argh
OH FOR FLIP'S SAKE can I just have a computer that will stay working for more
than a couple of weeks please? Having restored my desktop machine to a working
state and got a plausible Windows 2000 installation going on it, I bought it
some extra memory and a new graphics card (in the hope that the former would
make it faster and the latter would eliminate the annoying jitter I've been
seeing in portions of the display) and installed them this evening. RAM. Yep,
got lots of that. Video. Yep, we can display things through this new video
card.
Windows 2000? Yes, we can boot that. Once. Then we can start losing device
drivers all over the place and on the fourth boot or so, we can lose
ntoskrnl.exe. What fun. Once again I have a vastly overspecified monitor
stand.
I've no idea what's gone wrong, and I don't particularly care at the moment;
I've had a crap day followed by a traditionally depressive fireworks evening,
and the last thing I want to do right now is to wrestle with broken computers
and their broken operating systems.
I'm filled with gloom and fear about all sorts of areas of my life, and while
much of this may be down to depression, and to the recent drop in dose of
anti-depressants, that's no comfort.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Nov 07 12:50:00 2001]--
From: (S) MIT-MAGIC-COOKEE-1 (steph)
Subject: Is
It looks like whatever was causing files to go away was an intermittent fault
of some sort, as I've since managed to get my machine to boot again following
some waggling of the hard drive connectors. I don't know if this has fixed the
problem, but I'm distinctly less worried about the whole thing now I've been
able to make a sensible backup and an emergency repair disk.
I also discovered the reason why neither of the ATI graphics cards I'd tried
had worked with my machine: my motherboard is incompatible with them, if you
can believe that. Fortunately, ASUS have produced a patch to the BIOS to fix
the problem, so that's something I'll look at in the near future.
My computer thus fixed, I was able to play some games of StarCraft with Ben and
Clare, which was a good thing.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Nov 09 12:00:04 2001]--
From: (S) MIT-MAGIC-COOKEE-1 (steph)
Subject: Is
No energy. Hm. Can I have some energy, please?
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Nov 10 12:43:01 2001]--
From: (S) MIT-MAGIC-COOKEE-1 (steph)
Subject: Is
Ooh. Dalek Empire 3 arrived yesterday, and I listened to it last night.
Somehow it's a lot more sinister than the previous chapters. Good fun, and I'm
now looking forward to the concluding CD's worth, although if it's as delayed
as this one, I may have quite a wait ahead of me; I'll probably get the
forthcoming Davison+Nyssa `Primeval' first.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 12 09:47:43 2001]--
From: (S) MIT-MAGIC-COOKEE-1 (steph)
Subject: Party
On Saturday evening it was the Reversible Party to celebrate both my birthday
on the 12/11 and Vicky's on the 11/12. It was fun; Vicky brought fireworks,
which Matthew and Steve duly lit (and I'm sure I don't remember garden
fireworks being that good when I was a small child), there was Milton Minotaur
beer (a mild which seemed to be to my taste), I made some more mocha, which
went down well (probably better than last time, in fact, due to nicer chocolate
and the use of Old Brown Java for the coffee)... A fun party, I think.
Subject: Sunday
By contrast, Sunday was grey. I wasn't hung over, but it's possible I was
tired, or depressed, or sickening for something. I got nothing done, although
I did make my way to the Warner to see Harry Potter, and it's _gorgeous_. A
visual treat, I suspect a reviewer might say. It's telling that so many of the
scenes fitted perfectly with what I remembered from the book (as read last
Boxing Day by Stephen Fry on Radio 4), and in particular the Quidditch match
was wonderful.
My mood sank afterwards, though, and after dinner in the Blue I flopped at home
in the hope that a good night's sleep would fix things...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Nov 14 15:59:24 2001]--
From: (S) 1984 (steph)
Subject: 7:30pm
That was when I left the office last night, two hours after starting a quick
five minute job to octuple our bandwidth at work from 256kbps to 2Mbps. Two
hours in which we determined that for whatever reason it was not possible to go
to 2Mbps, so we'd have to make do with a mere 1984kbps. Still, the network is
now 7.75 times faster, and I bet nobody's noticed. They never do.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Nov 18 12:29:51 2001]--
From: (S) 1984 (steph)
Subject: Is
Another long day at work, a network still not fully upgraded, and a machine
room in chaos later, and the world goes foom.
Perhaps I should have expected this, rather than merely fearing it.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 20 16:27:07 2001]--
From: (S) 1984 (steph)
Subject: Is
Lots of things I could say here, but at the moment the key things appear to be
stress, depression, and Oracle.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Nov 21 10:39:37 2001]--
From: (S) 1984 (steph)
Subject: Is
Matters improved in the evening, with an excellent evening's StarCrafting,
assisted by supplies of jaffa cakes and ice cream (Cherry Garcia and the
bizarrely named Phish Food, which is a rather Gerald-like ice cream featuring
small chocolate fish). I lost against other humans, perhaps not surprisingly
since I'm not very good at the game, but when we played cooperatively against
four computers, we were roundly trounced twice on the trot. I don't know if we
were being unusually crap or the computers were being above averagely
competent...
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Nov 25 13:03:59 2001]--
From: (S) 1984 (steph)
Subject: Is
A weekend of parties, so far. On Friday there was Colin's birthday party at
House!. It was fun but tiring, so I left relatively early. After a lazy
Saturday, there was Yasmin and Gareth's party at the Gallery, featuring quite a
lot of small cakes, some larger cakes, and frog jelly. It took a while for me
to get into a party mood, but once I had and we'd started talking tosh, all was
well. I got tired and wandered off home a bit before one.
During the night, I threw up at least three or four times :-(. I don't know
why, but I suspect the Tesco's Chinese Meal that Vicky and I microwaved up
earlier in the evening.
I'm feeling slightly better now, although still headachey and slightly queasy.
What I really need to do is work up the courage to eat something so that I can
distinguish illness from hunger...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 27 11:25:06 2001]--
From: (S) 1984 (steph)
Subject: Monday
I took Monday off work, because I still felt slightly queasy and headachey. On
balance this was probably a good plan, because although I felt well enough by
evening to go to the Empire for post-pizza, I wasn't quite my fullest liveliest
self; if I'd have been at work yesterday, I wouldn't be here today.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Dec 05 13:58:42 2001]--
From: (S) I'm clockwork and you're quartz (steph)
Subject: Is
In about twenty minutes' time, the VoxNav launch will happen for real. VoxNav
is the turn-by-turn navigation system that Laser-Scan (or, officially, Yeoman
Navigation Systems Ltd.) has been working on for the past year, and it's now
ready for the general public to use. When it goes live, you can look at
http://www.yeomannavigation.co.uk/ for more information.
In celebration of this, and as a bit of a rehearsal for today's launch, staff
from all corners of the Yeoman empire (Laser-Scan in Cambridge, B&G in Romsey,
and Yeoman itself in Lymington) gathered at WilliamsF1 headquarters in Didcot
for a launch of our own. Travelling from Cambridge to Oxfordshire meant that I
only really did two hours of work yesterday before getting on a coach. Once
there, we were plied with coffee and biscuits, and given the corporate
presentation thing. Some of the music for the videos was a bit 70s, our
Financial Director is hardly the suave compere he was trying to be, and the CEO
looked like he'd had a pint or two before getting up to speak, but it is a very
impressive system. In spite of it being based on a 60p/min premium rate phone
call, it certainly sounds like businesspeople are going to be interested in the
service. I wish it the best of luck :-).
As well as the corporate stuff, which ended with a champagne buffet, there was
a presentation by someone at WilliamsF1 about the Williams team and the chance
to wander round their museum of old Formula 1 cars. They had cars that had
been driven by Mansell, Hill, Senna, Piquet, and a host of others including a
very silly-looking six-wheeler which was created as an experiment by Williams;
unfortunately it was never allowed to race due to having too many wheels.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Dec 06 17:04:54 2001]--
From: (S) I'm clockwork and you're quartz (steph)
Subject: Unusual Wednesday
The Gallery's Buffy and Angel watching finished last Wednesday with the
conclusions of seasons five and two respectively. While I still have to watch
these final episodes -- I was at Simon's last week watching Tron -- this has in
effect released a Wednesday to do something other than watch telly. In
celebration of this Gareth gathered Ben, Richard, Simon, and me to play games,
firstly Carcassonne, and then RoboRally, which we've not played for _ages_. A
good thing.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 07 09:34:54 2001]--
From: (S) I'm clockwork and you're quartz (steph)
Subject: Is
Ooh. Thanks to some sterling work on Simon's part, PuTTY now has a help file
and the nifty little `what's this?' context help feature works too; you can
click on the question mark and select something in the PuTTY dialogue box and
Windows Help will pop up to tell you about it. Hurrah!
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Dec 10 10:44:44 2001]--
From: (S) I'm clockwork and you're quartz (steph)
Subject: Friday, Christmas Eve
Friday was Christmas Eve, so Simon came round and we hit PuTTY with a small
collection of sticks and cardboard programmers until Full Screen mode did
something plausible again. We fixed various other things too, decided some bug
reports weren't bugs, and brought PuTTY dangerously close to a 0.52 release.
Coolness.
Subject: Saturday, Christmas Day
The Gallery had decreed that it would be Christmas, so Clare and I met at the
Guildhall to do some last minute Christmas shopping. Having Christmas on the
8th of December makes quite a bit of sense when it comes to shopping; you can
do last minute shopping and it's not completely mad. If the actual Christmas
celebrations are in the afternoon, you can even do your shopping on Christmas
day itself. Wow.
Anyway, once gifts had been wrapped we set out for the Gallery, where as many
people as could fit around the Gallery's tables (12, I think) had a lovely
filling Christmas meal. Many thanks should go to the chefs, Yasmin and James,
for it was with a distinctly satisfied stomach that we all sat down afterwards
to exchange presents. As you might expect from the Gallery, there was a wide
variety of cool and utterly daft presents. Just as an example, Liz got Gareth
a small square of plastic lawn with pink flowers.
Once we'd recovered (and watched some Rex the Runt, which was someone else's
present), we set the Christmas Pudding alight for its crimes and then ate it.
Later still, some of us were John Malkovich.
Subject: Sunday, Boxing Day
We took things (mostly Siedler bits) out of boxes and played them. 'Nuff said.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Dec 12 16:07:47 2001]--
From: (S) I'm clockwork and you're quartz (steph)
Subject: Is
Bleagh. I've caught the flu bug thing that's going around, with the result
that I had no energy to do anything last night and have been feeling achey,
headachey, cold, and slightly faint all day today.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 14 08:55:37 2001]--
From: (S) I'm clockwork and you're quartz (steph)
Subject: Is, still ill
And yesterday was no better. Worse, actually, for it featured both cold
shivers and hot sweats, and the achiness part of this bug has started to give
me really uncomfortable backache.
I'm not well enough for work yet, either. Maybe I'll be better on Monday.
On the plus side I had a chance to listen to Big Finish's latest offering, `The
One Doctor'. It's completely off its head, and I can't quite decide how good
or bad a thing that is. It does have Christopher Biggins in, though!
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Dec 15 19:25:43 2001]--
From: (S) I'm clockwork and you're quartz (steph)
Subject: Is
No news is bad news. I'm still ill. This is really quite annoying.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 16 14:38:41 2001]--
From: (S) Triple-DES O'Connor (steph)
Subject: Is
At about 3:30 last night (or this morning, depending on how you look at it), I
began to despair of alternatively shivering and sweating, and called NHS Direct
for advice about this flu thing. When they got back to me, the first thing the
nurse said was that extra duvets, full heating, and hot water bottles, are
exactly the wrong things for these feverish symptoms. Taking his advice,
turning off the fan heater, and shedding the duvets in favour of a cotton
sheet, I found I slept a lot more easily. The bad news is that I should expect
it to last 7-10 days. Looks like I'm going to have to mail work and say `see
you on January 8th'.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 16 17:10:31 2001]--
From: (S) Triple-DES O'Connor (steph)
Subject: A living room
At the back of the house, part of the previous owners' many, though often not
particularly well implemented, modifications to the original two-bedroomed
building, is the living room. Decorated in a selection of murky browns and
beiges, the room is illuminated by a central ceiling light (also beige) and a
couple of spotlights on the left-hand wall above the electric piano and the
sideboard. In the centre of the far wall, between the two large windows which
look out on the garden, is the television, currently silently displaying
sporting scenes.
In the centre of the room is a rectangular wooden coffee table. It is slightly
rickety and care needs to be taken when moving it so as not to make it
critically unstable. On the table, as well as several beermats and pages from
specification documents, are "The Victim's Guide to Christmas", "Cloud Castles"
by Michael Scott Rohan, a novel by Terry Pratchett whose title is obscured by
one of the two remote controls on the table, a book of "Dilbert" cartoons, and
a half-finished glass of Lucozade. Next to the glass is a large paperback book
entitled "Life, a User's Manual" with a pair of reading glasses laid on top of
it. As well as the title and the name of the author, this paragraph is
inscribed on the front cover:
Yes, it could begin this way, right here, just like that, in a rather
slow and ponderous way, in this neutral place that belongs to all and
to none, where people pass by almost without seeing each other, where
the live of the building regularly and distantly resounds.
On the back of the book is a picture of the author, whose staring eyes and
unkempt hair and beard give the impression of one on the legendary boundary
between genius and insanity. Inside the book there are two place markers. The
first, placed about halfway through the book, is a blank index card of the sort
that is less often used in these days of computerisation. The second is
towards the back of the book and is a till receipt, the part of which we can
see reads:
* * * S U P E R D R U G * * *
S I D N E Y S T R E E T
DOVE B/WASH 4.49
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Dec 17 15:18:33 2001]--
From: (S) Triple-DES O'Connor (steph)
Subject: Is
Today I am mostly lacking temperature regulation.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Dec 27 15:25:41 2001]--
From: (S) Fungicidal Maniac (steph)
Subject: Was
So, after flu, there was Christmas. My mother collected me from home on the
Saturday afternoon and there followed a very relaxing few days in
Wellingborough doing nearly nothing at all. I read, watched the television,
and played StarCraft on my laptop, went for a few post-prandial ambles with my
parents, none of which amounts to very much at all.
As a result, I feel significantly better than when I left Cambridge, and this
can only count as a Good Thing.
Subject: Is
Probably, anyway. Earlier, I attacked the bathroom mould again. I'm sure all
that chlorine smell can't be healthy...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 02 15:08:05 2002]--
From: (S) Fungicidal Maniac (steph)
Subject: Is
And so to 2002, in celebration of which Google seems to have seen fit to
decorate its home page once more. 2001 was quite a strange year, all things
told. I wonder how strange this one will be.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 03 12:27:55 2002]--
From: (S) Fungicidal Maniac (steph)
Subject: Is
I don't go back to work until Tuesday, so I'm reading lots in the hope that
it'll get me back into the rhythm of reading for an hour or so before sleep in
the evening. When I was younger I'd happily devour books like there was no
tomorrow, but there somehow seemed to be rather less time for it when I got to
university and I've not really got back into the habit since.
Provoked by a gift of all four Harry Potter books (in hardback, yum!) from my
mother, I read the second one, and provoked by seeing the film just before
Christmas, I've just finished `The Fellowship of the Ring'; I bought myself a
Christmas present of all three volumes of the Lord of the Rings in hardback
since both my paperback copies are somewhat battered.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 04 11:31:00 2002]--
From: (S) Fungicidal Maniac (steph)
Subject: Is
The house smells unpleasant, for Christi burnt a pan and its contents last
night and the resultant smoke of degrading teflon and unhappy pasta has yet to
dissipate. Apparently the products of teflon degradation are really quite
toxic. I wonder if this Christi cooking disaster will kill me...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jan 08 12:36:30 2002]--
From: (S) Fungicidal Maniac (steph)
Subject: Is
Following gothbabe's thoughts on translating poetry, I present you with a
little poetic translation problem I've been pondering. The original French,
and a literal English version, are as follows:
Un, deux, trois, One, two, three,
Ou est le roi? Where is the king?
Quatre, cinq, six, Four, five, six,
Avec son fils. With his son.
Sept, huit, neuf, Seven, eight, nine,
Il mange un oeuf. He is eating an egg.
Dix, onze, douze, Ten, eleven, twelve,
Sur la pelouse. On the lawn.
As you can see, it loses something in the translation. Before I reveal my
second translation, readers are invited to submit their own attempts.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 09 11:13:55 2002]--
From: (S) Fungicidal Maniac (steph)
Subject: Is
Two attempts here, one from mono's kite, and one from Jamie Davis, who reads
this diary on the web. Kite's first:
One two three
The king, where is he?
Four five six
With his son, doing tricks
Seven, eight
His egg's on his plate
Nine, ten
So he thanks the Royal Hen.
I like this one because of all the eggy stuff, but it loses points for only
counting up to ten. Jamie Davis contributed this:
One two three
Where's his Majesty?
Four Five Six
With the dauphin, I predict.
Seven Eight Nine
Upon an egg he dines
Ten eleven twelve
On the pasture where he dwells
This is marvellous, simply because of how close to the original French it
comes. Bravo.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 10 16:56:21 2002]--
From: (S) Fungicidal Maniac (steph)
Subject: Is
Hmm. Back at work, and while I've done a variety of useful things I'm feeling
worn out with still over half an hour to go.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 14 10:40:16 2002]--
From: (S) Fungicidal Maniac (steph)
Subject: Weekending
On Saturday morning I went to work to fix a few things out of hours, which
should have meant that I had more of a Saturday due to being awake and out of
the house. Unfortunately I dozed off in the afternoon and thus completely
failed to make use of the rest of the day.
Mind you, at the moment I seem to spend so much time feeling bored that
sleeping is actually quite a sensible option. It's not as if I'm short of
things to do; I've been reading `The Lord of the Rings' again, writing things
to prod StarCraft map archives, playing StarCraft itself, tidying my room...
I'm just rather lacking in energy and motivation, which you could just say is
depression. In which case, halving my dose of anti-depressants as of today
seems a poor idea, but we'll see how it goes.
Sunday evening saw a lovely roast dinner with Peter, Steve, John (Steve's
brother-in-law), Rachel (Steve's sister), and Vicky.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jan 22 10:29:36 2002]--
From: (S) Fungicidal Maniac (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm becoming woefully out of date in this diary, but since I've not actually
been doing much, that's probably not important. On Saturday a bunch of
Matthew, Clare, Ian, Jacob, Lucy, Dan, and I went to Mars, which was
conveniently sited in Milton Keynes for the day.
Oh, OK. Perhaps I should elucidate. We went (by a bus with a very early start
- *yawn*) to the Mars Society's `Mars on Earth - Life on Mars' symposium, which
was a set of presentations by various people involved in Mars research and
working towards a manned mission to Mars. It was mightily cool and I now want
to persuade lots of space agencies to get cracking on it. Since that's a lot
of money, I'll just join the Mars Society instead.
We got back to Cambridge at around eight, but there was miraculously no
emergency lack of party party in the Greenend circles (where there was no
party) and I didn't really feel like going to Emily's cocktail party, so I sat
around at Relativity and played StarCraft with Ian for a bit.
`When you are tired of cybermen,' someone once said, 'you are tired of life.'
On Sunday William Hartnell took this to heart and changed into Patrick
Troughton. Hurrah!
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 25 14:54:34 2002]--
From: (S) I try to remember who I am (steph)
Subject: Is
Very up and down this week. Sometimes I've been full of energy, enthusiasm,
and ideas, at work and at home, and at other times it's been rather an effort
to do very much at all. Today is one of the non-productive days that makes me
wonder why they bother employing me...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 07 10:51:25 2002]--
From: (S) I try to remember who I am (steph)
Subject: Was, catching up
I've been letting this diary get behind again, it seems. I wonder whether it's
only a matter of time before I give the whole thing up entirely. Still, while
it's here, I suppose I should make an effort.
On Friday 1st Februrary, there was the Jomsborg Wake for the old year, which I
went to and failed to make it all the way through. By about 6am I felt
sufficiently groggy and unpleasant that I thought I walk in the (extremely
windy) fresh air would do me good. Having walked around the block, I ended up
feeling sufficiently tired and weak that it seemed best to keep moving and make
my way home. The result was that I didn't make it to Castle Mound for the
Afmaelisdagur, which was a shame and (I think) the first time in my seven years
at Cambridge that I've missed the sun being wound up.
The following Saturday evening was the Gallery's palindrome party. I very
nearly didn't go due to lack of energy and general bleah-ness, but Lucy (sphyg)
'phoned me and I was thus encouraged to go along. In the moments where I
wasn't overcome with mope and tiredness, it was quite a fun little gathering.
Palindromes included `Stratagem: Megatarts', `Motto Bottom', `Race car', `Tab
Bat', and Gareth's most impressive `Flet Elf'.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 10 02:58:59 2002]--
From: (S) I try to remember who I am (steph)
Subject: Is
We have forgotten who we are. It is perhaps not surprising that others, too,
have forgotten who we are.
Alternatively, I am a schemer so foolish as to be unaware of his own schemes,
but I know me. Simpler just to say that you do not understand.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 12 12:21:14 2002]--
From: (S) I try to remember who I am (steph)
Subject: Is
This company is weird. I've just watched a pancake race between the MD, the
head of Development, and the head of Customer Services.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 17 22:31:18 2002]--
From: (S) Last song of postponed sorrow. (steph)
Subject: Elsewhen
"I have to go now. It's getting dark."
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 17 22:38:01 2002]--
From: (S) Last song of postponed sorrow. (steph)
Subject: Is
A night in on Friday, a day mostly spend doing nothing on Saturday, and I
managed to make the effort to walk through the mist on Stourbridge Common for
Sion's house cooling party. For whatever reason I wasn't quite in the party
mood, but this didn't manifest itself too much except perhaps in the fact that
I left fairly early.
Subject: Was
I remember when we'd go back to Sion's after Monday pizza. We'd cycle there --
in those days I still cycled -- and watch random TV SF: `Neverwhere', `Dead at
21' and the TV Inferno are a few things I remember, but there was some `Space:
Above and Beyond' in there as well. I remember it.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Feb 22 14:08:05 2002]--
From: (S) Last song of postponed sorrow. (steph)
Subject: Is
I've been playing with Microsoft's new language, C#, recently. The general
impression I get is that it's a cross between Visual Basic and Java without soe
of Java's annoyances. Although what you get out of the compiler is actually a
.exe (or a .dll), that's in fact just a wrapper around the bytecode the
compiler actually produces, and this bytecode should have the write once run
anywhere nature.
Last night I built the interpreter from the Mono project on my Linux box, and:
tacitus:~/junk$ mint hello.exe
Message: WSAStartup: high version 0x2
Hello, world!
Message: WSACleanup: cleaning up
...it works. Quite why it's doing things with Winsock for a simple hello world
aplication, though, I have no idea.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Feb 22 14:09:52 2002]--
From: (S) Last song of postponed sorrow. (steph)
Subject: Actually
I think I actually use the word actually far too much, actually.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 24 00:58:19 2002]--
From: (S) Last song of postponed sorrow. (steph)
Subject: Saturday
Got up, went to House! to visit Clare, had toast. Watched bemused as Clare was
sold fish by itinerant non-singing fish selling man. Went to Kettle's Yard to
look at cool things, and to Heffers to look at books. Wished Clare a happy
optoelectronic Italian skiing holiday, and pootled round town.
Accidentally bought cheap computer books from Galloway and Porter, including
big chunky white Algorithms book for a fiver. Second hand booksale in the
Guildhall was actually full of expensive but pretty antiquarian-type books, so
didn't buy any of those.
Steve and Peter bought a new microwave. It also grills and ovens and is far
too chatty about potatoes.
Evening spent at Becky's year in Cambridge party. Watched `Once More, With
Feeling' (the musical Buffy episode) once more, with feeling. It's a wonderful
episode, and very funny throughout, but it always leaves me feeling slightly
downbeat. I think I take TV, like life, far too seriously. Alternatively, I
haven't yet found a way of turning off my emotional response (and depression)
circuits for the purposes of watching telly.
Diary entry so telegraphic because no energy to write properly. Maybe need
sleep, maybe just depressed again.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Mar 03 01:00:09 2002]--
From: (S) Last song of postponed sorrow. (steph)
Subject: At Lode Mill
The whole building begins to rumble,
Slow motion geared to faster,
Turned and driven up and faster,
Drive transferred, drive lost
As the millstones grind.
There is a smell of friction,
Wheat's life from wheat's home rent.
Fragments are bagged up and sold on
To curious tourists,
Just here for the day.
This is a relic of times past;
We will not return to those days
When cog fitted cog, tooth clicked on tooth,
Water turned the wheel,
And the millstones ground.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Mar 03 01:01:06 2002]--
From: (S) Last song of postponed sorrow. (steph)
Subject: Is
I appear not to have lost my talent for writing poor pseudo-poetry.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 05 23:34:01 2002]--
From: (S) Husk (steph)
Subject: Is
I've been ill for two days, with yet another boring cold. It's annoying,
because it seems like I'm always taking time off work for trivial colds and
wheezes, and I can't think of anything I can do about it. I eat well, drink
enough orange juice to sink a small fishing junk, take vitamin pills -- my
mother's idea -- every day, and I _still_ get ill. I know for certain that if
I was at work I'd be no use to anyone, and the logical thing to do is to stay
at home and do very little until I get better, but I still feel guilty for not
being at work, and I worry that work will eventually get fed up of me being ill
and fire me.
Actually, it's not just colds. I don't like my life in general at the moment.
It might be that I'm missing human company or something, but on the occasions
I've been social recently I've not really felt all there, and it's been rather
unsatisfying: people, including me, interacting in vaguely interestingly flawed
ways, and I just watch in a vaguely bemused fashion as if I were the proverbial
fly-on-the-wall of documentary fame.
I suspect it's just depression, as it usually is. That gives me two things to
ask the doctor when next I see him: 1) why do I get ill so often? and 2) can I
have more antidepressants, please?
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar 07 01:01:59 2002]--
From: (S) Husk (steph)
Subject: Is
Back at work today, but I don't think I was particularly awake; I have very
little recollection of the morning except that it involved installing Windows
NT in French at some point.
In the afternoon, the surge of usefulness that caused me to book a hotel room
for Eastercon in Jersey was made useless as my boss revealed that he was
intending to be on leave that week, so I'm going to have to reorganise that if
I can find the effort from somewhere.
In the evening, I went to Borders and had a coffee and brunch panini (stuff on
toast, basically) while I pondered some C# questions I'd been thinking about on
the back of a guide to Lode Mill. Then I went and looked up the answers in a
chunky Microsoft book on C#. The rest of the evening was the usual Gallery
Buffy and Angel, but with extra Buffy at the end because we're behind and
Gareth's afraid he'll accidentally tape over an episode.
Buffy's depressing at the moment. The Spike stuff I don't care much about, but
I find the ongoing Willow storyline saddens me somehow. Maybe I should spend
some more time in the real world.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar 07 01:14:13 2002]--
From: (S) Husk (steph)
Subject: Is
Although, saying that, the real world doesn't seem to have much going for it at
the moment. Life seems to be grey soulless tedium punctuated by a few threads
that distract from it. I'm not completely deadened, and I can still be as
stupidly enthusiastic as ever I could, but it comes and goes in bursts, and
when it's gone it's just a memory and somehow out of my grasp.
In the fictional world I'd `leave to find my way', an Anne making an
`audacious, purifying, elemental move', but the real world doesn't work like
that. You can't just drop everything, and all there is to do is to keep on
living and carry on one day at a time. Rather unsatisfying, really.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 18 15:47:57 2002]--
From: (S) Husk (steph)
Subject: Was
It's been well over a week since I wrote the last entry here, so I shall write
some more words, even if they might not be terribly interesting or
enlightening.
On Saturday I went with Clare, Ian, and Dan to Sutton Hoo, which was excellent.
Site of an Anglo-Saxon settlement with burial mounds containing ships, the
National Trust have built an exhibition there to house the British Museum's
collection of finds from the mounds. Most of the leather stuff has of course
rotted away, and the swords have rusted, but the gold with inlaid garnets on
their pommels and sword belts is intact and still beautiful.
It was good to get out of Cambridge for the day. We took the train from
Cambridge to Ipswich and thence to a small village called Melton. The line
there was single track, so there were lots of exciting notices around relating
to line discipline: `Give up Token', `Collect Token and Whistle before
Proceeding'. Tedious perhaps, but it piqued my interest.
Once back in Cambridge I went home, changed into some vaguely respectable
clothes and went along to Lucy's dinner party, which earned full marks for
being filling and tasty and with good company supplied. Hurrah.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 18 15:50:46 2002]--
From: (S) Husk (steph)
Subject: Sunday
I got up early on Sunday with the goal of watching the Malaysian Grand Prix at
7am so that I could do other more useful things in the early afternoon. I
succeeded in the first half, but the second half was thwarted when I thought
`I'll just lie down and listen to the news' and slept until 2:30. Ah well,
nice try.
In other news, I've managed to push a bit further in the Starcraft single
player missions by completing Protoss 8. Hurrah.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 18 15:53:40 2002]--
From: (S) Husk (steph)
Subject: Is
Currently reading: `London, a biography' by Peter Ackroyd.
`The Communipaths' by Suzette Hagen Elgin.
Watching on TV: `24', a thriller on BBC2, Sundays 10pm
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 19 16:30:41 2002]--
From: (S) Mr Potato Leg (steph)
Subject: Is
Yesterday was really quite productive, but today has been a bit of a waste of
time, really. I've done the odd thing or two in response to requests but
working on things on my own initiative has been really a bit too much effort.
*sigh* And I think I ought to go to the Calling this evening, because it might
be good for me to get out and see people and do something, but I really don't
know whether I can be bothered.
I'm seeing my doctor on Thursday, so I'll mention general apathy and tiredness
and see if he has anything useful to suggest.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 25 11:06:04 2002]--
From: (S) Mr Potato Leg (steph)
Subject: Was
And on Thursday the doctor did say `yea, many people have to be on
antidepressants for long periods of time, oh and don't worry about the foot.'
So I have more sertraline, whoopee doo. Hopefully the difference will be
noticeable.
(My foot, which I have heretofore neglected to mention here, was damaged by an
ankle-twisting incident on my walk home from the Gallery, and it's been hurting
slightly for well over two weeks now. Apparently I might have chipped the bone
or something, but there's not a great deal I can do about it other than wait a
couple of months and hope it goes away.)
In the evening Ben, Jacob, Simon, and I had a nice Chinese at Charlie Chan's
courtesy of some PuTTY appreciators. Sometimes this free software malarkey
pays :-).
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 25 11:17:55 2002]--
From: (S) Mr Potato Leg (steph)
Subject: Was, Friday
On Friday I had to get up at silly o'clock (aka 6am) to go to Bracknell to
observe an Oracle installation on a big shiny server. I would have taken the
opportunity to visit people in that neck of the woods, but it had to be a
flying visit...
On the trains down there (which were nice and on time, which I understand is
rare, but I always seem to be lucky) it occurred to me how much better the old
slam-door stock is than any of the newer stuff I've seen. The seats are more
comfortable, actually big enough for tall people, and provide a tolerable
amount of leg room. Plus if you go 1st Class you get proper compartments.
All much better than WAGN's `Plastic Trains For Midgets'.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 26 12:09:02 2002]--
From: (S) Mr Potato Leg (steph)
Subject: Is
There's something wrong with me as regards work at the moment. I seem to
descend into a daze when I'm there, and something in my head seems to make
thinking hard, and persisting with a task even harder. Sometimes I come away
from my screen and realise I've spent the past ten minutes in a sort of trance.
This is not good and perhaps indicative of my needing a holiday.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 26 16:33:40 2002]--
From: (S) Mr Potato Leg (steph)
Subject: Is
I bought an ISA this lunchtime, in time for the end of this tax year. It's
still sort of scary to spend L7000 on Switch over the Interweb, though.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Apr 06 18:27:28 2002]--
From: (S) Mr Potato Leg (steph)
Subject: Is
One holiday in Jersey later, I have returned. Maybe I shall say something
about it, and maybe I sha'n't. You'll just have to wait and see.
Meanwhile, I have been reading:
Doctor Who - The Burning, by Justin Richards
Look To Windward, by Iain M. Banks
Time and Relative, by Kim Newman
Inherit the Earth, by Brian Stableford
Gosh, that's quite a lot of words.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Apr 07 22:49:37 2002]--
From: (S) Nomenclature (steph)
Subject: Is
I forgot:
A Case of Conscience, by James Blish
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Apr 13 23:01:44 2002]--
From: (S) Nomenclature (steph)
Subject: Is
This is being a very odd Saturday evening. There's nothing going on, not even
the usual `emergency lack of party party' we tend to get when nothing else has
been planned, and the usual suspects for such a thing have been strangely
quiet. Most odd. Maybe everyone just fancied an evening in or something.
Still, I've not had a bad evening so far. A bit of reading, a bit of Who
audio, and a bit of TV... I shouldn't complain, really.
The rest of the day was spent pottering, except for a brief excursion into town
to buy stuff. This proved to be a mistake, for I lost some of my shopping --
presumably I left it in another shop, but I retraced my steps and didn't find
it -- and had to buy it again. How useless is that?
Feeling useless describes my state fairly well at the moment. I get some stuff
done at work, but it never seems spectacularly useful, and I don't do much
useful in my spare time either. (Responding to PuTTY bug reports is probably
the sole exception to this, and one I'm glad of.) Finally, of course, there's
events in the outside world that make me feel angry and helpless. I want to go
out to the Middle East and bang Sharon's head against the wall until his
conscience starts working, but I suppose locating a war criminal's conscience
is always going to be tricky. Bah.
I don't normally get worked up about the news, but events in the Land have been
the exception to that ever since I went there. For me, Ramallah and Bir Zeit
aren't just far-off places, they're places I've been and lived (albeit
briefly), where people I've met live.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Apr 14 14:52:01 2002]--
From: (S) Nomenclature (steph)
Subject: Is
Sunday, and I'm feeling generally fed up. My mood wasn't improved by a very
dull San Marino GP, and I don't really have any enthusiasm for this afternoon's
Who at the Gallery either, although I shall undoubtedly turn up anyway.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Apr 15 10:29:11 2002]--
From: (S) Nomenclature (steph)
Subject: Sunday
Matters improved in the afternoon and evening. The Gallery have acquired an
expansion to the castle-building game Carcassonne, which makes this already
good game even more fun and adds a the possibility of a sixth player. The
afternoon's Who was the excellent Troughton `Tomb of the Cybermen', and
afterwards we played a good game of the travelling-saleself game Elfenhold.
Back at home, and 24 advances another hour...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Apr 17 17:30:48 2002]--
From: (S) Nomenclature (steph)
Subject: Is
New supplies of dynamism and a Big Plan to occupy me at work, which is a good
thing. Pity I don't have similar supplies for my free time, really.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Apr 20 23:33:55 2002]--
From: (S) Nomenclature (steph)
Subject: Aah ah ah ah aaah
Between about three o'clock and ten thirty today I've done little except for
watching `Cities of Gold' at Becky's. I'd forgotten just how cool this series
was, having not watched it for *mumble* years, but too much of it makes your
brain dribble out through your ears while you happily hum the incidental music.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Apr 23 12:30:00 2002]--
From: (S) Nomenclature (steph)
Subject: Sunday, Monday
Sunday was quiet and Who-less, for Ben and Clare were away visiting relatives.
Instead we played Carcassonne and the Great Wall of China historical Siedler
scenario, as well as watching a bit of snook.
On Monday morning I woke up with a headache, feeling weak and queasy and as a
result didn't do to work. Probably just as well, really, since I certainly
wouldn't have done anything useful at work.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Apr 23 12:36:03 2002]--
From: (S) Nomenclature (steph)
Subject: Is
Back at work today, but I'm not really being very useful even though I feel
somewhat better. It's not that I'm not _trying_ to be useful, just that things
and people keep failing or distracting me, so I'm not making a great deal of
progress. Perhaps things will be better this afternoon.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Apr 24 09:32:30 2002]--
From: (S) Nomenclature (steph)
Subject: Was
They weren't, but it wasn't really my fault as such, so blaming myself for that
would be silly. (Roughly, the machines I want to upgrade have a severe lack of
disc space, and buying new discs is out of the question for financial reasons.)
In the evening Ben and Clare joined me at Greenend for food (a pasta + appley
tomatoey bacony sauce invention of Clare's) and a couple of games of StarCraft
which were both jolly good fun even if I did lose in both of them...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Apr 24 12:36:26 2002]--
From: (S) Nomenclature (steph)
Subject: Is
What was enthusing me at work a few days ago is now confusing my poor little
brain, which is strange since it's not that hard really. Bleagh. Maybe I need
some lunch.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri May 10 23:44:39 2002]--
From: (S) Pantomimic (steph)
Subject: Is
Gosh, I've not written in here for a little while, but then not a lot has been
happening in my life so I suppose I could be forgiven for that. There was a
time not long ago where my social life was so full of stuff that I was hard
pressed to find time for an evening in, but my social life seems to have
evaporated somewhat of late; for various reasons I've only been out one evening
this week.
The really strange thing is I don't know whether I mind that much. Certainly a
lot of the time not getting out and doing things is just depressive laziness,
and on those occasions it should be fought, but a lot of the time these days I
don't feel a great urge to go out and see people. I amuse myself, reading
books, listening to Doctor Who audios (either BBC ones from the Hartnell and
Troughton eras, or the newer Big Finish productions), and watching the odd bit
of television. `Inspector Morse', this evening.
I used to be somewhat like this as a child. Depression was called boredom back
then, of course, but the things I did to keep myself occupied weren't much
different really. I definitely thrived on my own company and while I did have
friends they weren't essential and I could and did go for longish whiles
without seeing them. There have been phases since when I've needed more
company, and phases when I've been more of a loner again. Maybe this is just a
solitary phase.
I hope nobody takes it personally. Sometimes I lose track of things going on
around me, find myself surprised by things that should perhaps have been
obvious if I'd been paying closer attention. I worry about that sort of thing,
because it's a watered-down version of the deeper and more complex emotions of
loss. Not loss as in grief, although that's connected, but loss as in loss of
contact, loss of shared context, the feeling you get when you meet up with
someone (or just hear from them) for the first time in ages and realise that
you've missed so much that they're not the person they were and you can't just
carry on where you left off. I think I've had that happen to me too much, so
I'm wary of it happening again, no matter how useful or necessary time to
myself might be.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat May 18 00:02:57 2002]--
From: (S) Pantomimic (steph)
Subject: Was / Is
So, on Wednesday I made it to the CUSFS speaker meeting to hear Paul Cornell
talk. He's the author of a number of Doctor Who books and one Big Finish
audio play, so I've encountered some of his work, and his first non-Who novel
`Something More' is sitting on my shelf waiting to be read. He's a great guy,
interesting to listen to, and the excerpts he read from his new novel `British
Summer Time' made me want to buy it when it comes out. Possibly more
importantly, he provided me with more impetus to write stuff at a time when
I've been feeling inexplicably creative anyway. As a result this evening I
started some fiction for the first time in ages.
Writing is very strange. When I'm not doing it I can't work out how to do it,
but as soon as I get the slightest bit into the swing, the words start
working for you rather than against and ideas start to flow with the story. My
language is a bit rusty because I'm so out of practice, but with a bit of luck
it'll improve with use. I don't have any great hopes of being published or
anything, but it's good to be creative like this. Yay.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat May 18 15:30:48 2002]--
From: (S) Pantomimic (steph)
Subject: Is
Not a good Saturday. I was going to go to a barbecue and be sociable this
afternoon, but the weather's too cold and wet for the former and I'm feeling
too down for the latter. I've managed to write a few more words of the as yet
unnamed story (the filename is the uninformative working.txt), which is
something, and I'm beginning to get a few ideas about what the plot might do.
Also, Peter has fixed my pocket radio so that it doesn't need a hairband to
hold the headphones plug in, which is very cool since I was beginning to give
up on it and nearly went into town to buy a new radio today.
Now I seem unable to work up the energy or enthusiasm to get out of the house.
Humbug.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 21 14:01:31 2002]--
From: (S) Pantomimic (steph)
Subject: Is
My copy of the Loose Cannon reconstruction of `Marco Polo' arrived this
morning, and I watched the first episode over lunch. It's very pretty.
Hurrah!
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 21 23:53:04 2002]--
From: (S) Pantomimic (steph)
Subject: Is
After a relatively productive day at work, I dozed off for a bit before
wandering over to the Beer Festival on Jesus Green for a few drinks. We didn't
have the weather I'd hoped for, though; it's been lovely weather for the past
day or two, but this evening it poured and Peter and I got a mite soggy on the
way there. Still, once there we found a few people and I sampled some of the
Milds on offer. I think Mild is a type of beer I get on well with, so a good
thing and to be encouraged.
I left the gathering relatively early, around tenish, so that I could come back
home and do a bit of writing. The current story isn't making very much
progress, unfortunately. I've written a few more paragraphs, and gained a bit
more of an idea of what the characters are like and what the story might be
about, but it's still nowhere near a plausible story. It's growing rather
organically, perhaps more as an exercise in getting me back into writing than
as a means to a finished-product end, and I find myself surprised by the
directions it's taking me in. Rather than being led by the big issues
(politics, religion, science) that have characterised a lot of what I've
written in the past, this seems to want to work on a much smaller scale. Yes,
there is a big conspiracy or two floating around, but fundamentally the story
wants to be about people and their reactions to life-changing events.
Probably far too ambitious, I know, but it wasn't my idea.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 22 23:38:45 2002]--
From: (S) as such (steph)
Subject: Somewhen nearby, elseness
I remain flective, spective, and I can't work out whether this is good for me,
those around me, my writing or my work. On the one hand I can have the flashes
of insight into the world around me, bizarre moments of usefulness, but on the
other I can sink into an apathetic haze that will put anything off until
tomorrow.
Also, when I'm like this emotions and thoughts get very mixed up so emotional
responses appear to be well-reasoned ways of behaving and high levels of
introspection (tempting to say fantasy here, but that conveys two whole sets of
wrong impressions) create emotions that either don't exist or are distortions
of what I really feel. Whatever that means.
I find it very easy to connect with people, but far too easy also to disconnect
from people. Fear of being alone in a crowd in part, fear of hurting people or
impairing their time (both through my own depression and other pecuilar beasts)
keep fighting the connections that want to be (or stay) made.
What an odd diary entry. What an odd mood: a sort of detached loneliness.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 22 23:52:14 2002]--
From: (S) as such (steph)
Subject: Is
Reading other people's web diaries isn't a particularly fruitful way out of a
spective mood, either. Possibly I should go to bed.
Not written much today. Six (probably pointless) lines, a few sentence
reworkings, and a decision or two about a character. Pah.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 26 23:13:04 2002]--
From: (S) as such (steph)
Subject: Weekending
The week's ended well enough. I enjoyed the Loose Cannon reconstruction of
`Marco Polo' enough to send off for some more, so Saturday was in part spent
acquiring the relevant tapes, stamps, and jiffy bags for that to happen.
(I should explain reconstructions of Doctor Who. It's well known that the BBC
lost large numbers of episodes of Doctor Who from the Hartnell and Troughton
years due to incompetence and lack of foresight. It's slightly less well known
(a) that some lunatics at the time held a microphone next to their telly so
that we still have the soundtracks to these early stories and (b) that the BBC
have a lot of publicity shots and stills. Various fans have put the soundtrack
together with the pictures, any snippets of film that remain, and anything else
they had to hand to reconstruct these stories. See http://www.recons.com/.)
Although I managed to put together a bit more of my story, concentrating mostly
on plot synopsis and getting a better idea of how the whole thing fits
together, I began to flag by early evening. I made my way to the Beer Festival
for its final night, and met up with various people including Lucy (sphyg),
whom I've not seen for aaaages. This second visit to the Beer Festival gave me
the chance to sample some more Milds. Here are the ones I remember:
Military Mild (3.3%), Old Chimneys (Diss, Norfolk)
This was OK, but seemed somehow lacking a bit in flavour at the time, a
view confirmed when I tasted
Woild Moild (4.8%), Wolf (Attleborough, Norfolk)
which was much better. It tasted fuller and rather fruity.
Shefford Dark Mild (3.8%), B&T (Shefford, Bedfordshire)
The best Mild I've yet tasted, I think. It's got a fairly complicated
taste, slightly sweet but not overpoweringly so.
Cambridge Festival (5.0%), City of Cambridge
I liked this one least of the ones I tasted at the festival. The beer
guide thingum describes it as strong, and I think that's what's wrong
with it for me. A bit too sharp, a bit too `beery' for my liking.
You'll note I'm hopeless at describing beer. As with wine, you're supposed to
say things like `rubbery inner tube with a sputum aftertaste' with confidence
and people will nod sagely, but my overactive imagination doesn't reside
sufficiently in my tastebuds for me to do that.
Later I wandered off to the Gallery where after much faff we watched Star Wars
Episode IV, and jolly good it still is.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 26 23:17:15 2002]--
From: (S) as such (steph)
Subject: Sunday
The Archers in the morning, followed by a superb Monaco Grand Prix in the
afternoon. After some quite dull races this was really quite exciting and led
to a win for Coulthard as an extra bonus.
Later, over to the Gallery for some Doctor Who in the form of the first half of
the Troughton story `The Web of Fear'. Yeti, the London Underground, a comedy
Welshmam, and Nicholas Courtney. A good combination, I feel.
In the evening we went to the Maypole for food and cocktails, which we've not
done for far too long.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 28 23:40:19 2002]--
From: (S) as such (steph)
Subject: Is
I woke up this morning feeling utterly exhausted and rather depressed, and fell
asleep again in the hope that I'd wake up feeling better at some point
mid-morning, and then would be able to go to work. I woke up again at two in
the afternoon feeling only slightly less tired and a great deal more becolden.
Why do I seem to be ill so much these days? My coworker Gavin has never taken
a day off that I can remember, and yet I always seem to be off ill for one
reason or another. I try to eat well and to walk for at least an hour or so
every day, I get lots of sleep and I take multivitamin tablets.
Still, I managed to do some writing, in the form of a 30-minute forced writing
exercise. The result is on the web along with some bits of my other fiction
that I've gathered together, at:
http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/~owend/interests/fiction/
---------------------------------------------------[Fri May 31 11:47:17 2002]--
From: (S) as such (steph)
Subject: Is
Wednesday was a thoroughly useful day, Thursday less so, and today is looking
like being utterly useless.
On the plus side, I had a good evening last night with various people drinking,
playing silly games, and listening to Laurie Anderson at Relativity, and my Dr
Who reconstructions of `The Reign of Terror', `The Enemy of the World' and `The
Faceless Ones' have arrived.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri May 31 23:46:02 2002]--
From: (S) as such (steph)
Subject: Is
The Big Story is beginning to fade, I think. Having fleshed some of the
details and characters out it's become more of a chore to write it and even
with a clearer idea of some of the places it's going it's proving hard to work
up the enthusiasm to plod on with it. I'd suggest that a story that's a chore
to write is also quite likely to be a chore to read.
Giving up would be dangerous, though. It would sow seeds of doubt about
writing in my mind and potentially cause me to drop the idea entirely.
Writing isn't particularly hard, but plotting and planning are and that's where
practice and skill are really required.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 01 13:43:10 2002]--
From: (S) as such (steph)
Subject: The songs they sing
That we should spend our time in watching
How the darkness forms around us
And never make it home
How can this be?
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 01 23:12:00 2002]--
From: (S) Maybe I'm diminished. (steph)
Subject: Is
Another day wasted, another party left early for the doubtful solaces of
solitude and sleep. Maybe better tomorrow.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 04 19:29:55 2002]--
From: (S) Maybe I'm diminished. (steph)
Subject: State of the Steph
A bit better on Sunday, for a while, but I sank after Who at the Gallery and
going to Relativity only improved my mood a little.
After a slightly lacklustre day on Monday, the evening was good, with an
enjoyable pizza meet, and a fun post-pizza gathering at Relativity.
Today has been depressed and depressing. At several points I've felt close to
tears for no obvious reason.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 04 19:34:18 2002]--
From: (S) Maybe I'm diminished. (steph)
Subject: Is
Recently, I've been reading:
Teranesia, by Greg Egan
Doctor Who - Citadel of Dreams, by Dave Stone
Every Man For Himself, by Beryl Bainbridge
Doctor Who - Casualties of War, by Steve Emmerson
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 05 11:07:22 2002]--
From: (S) Maybe I'm diminished. (steph)
Subject: Is
Back at work after the four-day break afforded by the Jubilee weekend, and if
anything I feel more tired and depressed now than I did on Friday afternoon.
I'm not upset at anything or anyone, and there's nothing particularly wrong
with my life; I'm simply depressed and everything seems a chore, impossible,
or just a waste of time. Maybe the depression has made me physically ill too,
because I seem to have an attack of the sniffles at the moment.
Perhaps I should make an appointment to see my GP. I can't remember if we're
due to talk about how I'm getting on with my antidepressants, but it's clear
that all is not entirely well with me at the moment.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 05 16:48:52 2002]--
From: (S) Maybe I'm diminished. (steph)
Subject: 40 minutes
...to go. I'm watching my xclock...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 05 23:54:39 2002]--
From: (S) Maybe I'm diminished. (steph)
Subject: Is
Tired and sniffly now. I am coming to the conclusion that I have Yet Another
Cold.
I spent the earlier part of the evening asleep, and went downstairs to find
Becky and a bunch of other people watching `A Clockwork Orange' in the living
room. I made dinner and watched bits of it before coming upstairs here to
fiddle with computery things.
Unfortunately a combination of the cold and my innate uselessness has made
progress in writing any code rather slow, and after some Lemsip downstairs,
I've come up here to go to bed. Good night...
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 07 22:47:12 2002]--
From: (S) Maybe I'm diminished. (steph)
Subject: Is
A day off work due to feeling really rather ill (due to some, none, or all of a
cold, depression, and a hangover), followed by the disappointment of an
evening's `Inspector Morse' being cancelled due to the World Cup. Pfah. Who
gives a flying fig about football, anyway?
Instead of Morse, I took inspiration from Dan's constant stream of exciting
GIMPery and made a picture of me:
http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/~owend/owenfiery.png
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jun 13 10:45:36 2002]--
From: (S) Maybe I'm diminished. (steph)
Subject: Was, catchup, Saturday
Feeling slightly better on Saturday, I met up with Clare, Ian, and Dan for
Strawberry Fair and was surprised to find exactly the book I was looking for
(Robert McKee's `Story') on a random book stall there. I also got a bunch of
nice Faber hardbacks (including some Ezra Pound and Wendy Copes) and a set of
`Lines on the Underground' anthologies.
Due to various complicated things, I lost people at the Fair, so wandered off
into town for a coffee before meeting up again with Dan (and later with Clare
and Ian as well) at the Vaults on Trinity Street for cocktails to celebrate his
birthday. It was good fun, randomly drinking and chatting, and generally a
Good Thing [tm].
Subject: Sunday
Evidently Saturday's heat and alcohol conspired to bring my cold back, so I was
feeling not very well on Sunday and didn't make it to the Gallery for the usual
Sunday Whoing. Instead I sat and read quietly and watched the Canadian Grand
Prix on the telly in the afternoon.
Subject: Monday
Another day off work, so again not a great deal to tell for the day. The third
part of Big Finish's `Excelis' series of Doctor Who adventures arrived, so I
listened to that, and while it was fun it was somewhat disappointing just as
the previous two parts had been. Perhaps I need to listen to them all again,
either to revise my opinion, or to work out precisely what it is I find
lacking.
I felt better by the evening, and went to pizza in the light and airy Downing
Pizza Express, and thence to Relativity. We also went on an Expotition to
Foundation, the new Vernon/Amery residence, and jolly nice it is too.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 18 12:54:35 2002]--
From: (S) Maybe I'm diminished. (steph)
Subject: Tuesday
Tuesday evening was the Calling, the first I've made it to in quite a while,
and one which a number of people I wouldn't have expected attended. There was
Kate S., Matthew Vernon, Jon Amery, Diana, Maria... It was good to see people
and bounce a bit, even though the sound system was being a bit wonky.
Subject: Wednesday
I can't remember doing anything on Wednesday. Maybe I didn't in fact do
anything on Wednesday...
Subject: Thursday
Thursday evening at the Castle as usual, and a very productive CUSFS committee
meeting at which I kibitzed. I'm not a committee member but I have an
affection for the society and like to stay informed and semi-involved, so it
was good to chip in my 0.5p.
Subject: Friday
No Inspector Morse, again. Boo. Also, the living room was full of people
watching videos, so I couldn't sit down comfortably and read either. Instead,
I sat down uncomfortably and read for a bit before going for a walk in Milton
Country Park just as it was getting dark. Pleasant.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 19 19:52:43 2002]--
From: (S) Maybe I'm diminished. (steph)
Subject: Is
I've been off work today, having taken a day's leave, and so I took the
opportunity to be beaten soundly at snooker by Gareth in the morning before
going to the ucam.chat / GROGGS garden party on Darwin Island in the afternoon.
It was a fun enough event, but my enjoyment of it was marred by the big
argument between MBM and Kate S that it played host to. I think the stress of
the people involved (and Matthew Vernon, who was trying to be a shuttle
diplomat and get things sorted out) got to me, because I finally decided I'd be
better off coming home to get away from it.
One of the worst things about it is that it's really very unclear what the big
dispute is all about. We have (to borrow Robert McKee's terminology) an
Inciting Incident, but I really don't see how we progressed from it to the
current highly-charged state. Gah. Who'd be human, eh?
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 21 21:39:32 2002]--
From: (S) Maybe I'm diminished. (steph)
Subject: Was (Still catching up...)
Saturday evening was the Veizla, so in an attempt to fulfil my desire to attend
as the Eighth Doctor I went to Camden in search of various bits of the
requisite garb. Remarkably, and unfortunately, there was none to be found, so
in the end I went to the event in mu suit. The astute might have noticed a
question mark badge on my lapel.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 21 22:00:36 2002]--
From: (S) Never be mine (steph)
Subject: Thoughts
I'm off to Maidenhead for a week on Sunday, for some Oracle training, and
that's no bad thing. Sometimes my life seems to go powerfully adrift and I
forget somehow how to relate to people normally. I substitute enthusiasm for
reticence and vice-versa more in the manner of a swinging pendulum than in
response to people around me. Getting away from the fields of expected and
unexpected responses that friends and familiar human company bring, I can
remember to be me again.
It would be foolish to say I'm lonely -- all the company I could want is out
there in this city -- but I'm slightly off-centre, eccentric you might say, and
the company I'm missing is my own. I used to say we are all mirrors, and how
can I appreciate good company if the glass I see it through is clouded?
Cloudy glass is the problem in this diary entry, of course. Feeling the strong
calling to extroverted introspection, I sit down and cannot clearly analyse or
express the contents of my head. Sheerest arrogance, I suppose, to imagine
that I could, but on the other hand if I can't, who can?
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 28 21:53:54 2002]--
From: (S) Never be mine (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm back from Maidenhead after a week of tuning Oracle (*ping*, perhaps a bit
flat) and I'm turning into a sad little Oracle addict again. Still, installing
a local Oracle to play with once more will hopefully help me keep the stuff
fresh in my mind...
One thing I noticed today, in the workshop part of the course, was how
infectious uncertainty is. Left to my own devices with a piece of software,
I can be quite confident, but when teamed up with another course attendee who
seemed less confident about the whole thing (and who also t y p e d v e r y
s l o w l y) I found myself umming and ahhing along with him rather than just
trying things. (After all, trying things and seeing what effect they have is
going to be a fairly major feature of any tuning exercise...)
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jul 04 10:04:17 2002]--
From: (S) Never be mine (steph)
Subject: Is
It's been a quiet week. I've had some stuff to do at work, which has been good
because it's filled the time and I've not spent too much of the day sitting
around wondering what to do next. Lots of headaches, though :-(.
In other news, I'm still having crises of confidence about the whole writing
thing.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jul 05 23:27:52 2002]--
From: (S) Never be mine (steph)
Subject: Is
I've decided I need more space to write in, so I've cleared half of the big
desk in my bedroom for this. The Atari Falcon and MIDI keyboard, which were
rigged up the last time I had enthusiasm for something (electronic music in
that case) have been tidied away and there is now a clear expanse of desk which
is at once satisfying and slightly scary; I'll have to _do_ something now.
While I was unplugging everything and dusting the desk it felt like I was
making room for the future. Let's hope my writing provides a future to go in
that space.
The other thing I always notice when I'm tidying and cleaning is how much it
aggravates my dust allergy. My eczema immediately starts to flare up, I itch a
lot, and my throat becomes sore. (I probably sneeze more, too, but I sneeze
and sniffle a lot anyway, so that's less noticeable.) Now, I would remedy this
with a quick whizz of the Dyson, but I found out yesterday that it's in
Peterborough. Why, you may ask, is our vacuum cleaner in Peterborough? It's
being used in renovating a pub there, which hostelry is owned by a pubco
started by my increasingly beer-obsessed (and PhD-overrunning)
housemate-cum-landlord Steve. Not much use to me there, alas, but at least I
know it hasn't been sucked up by its own vaccum or something.
As I've been writing this, I've had a phone call from Steve asking me to put
the coffee on, and now a horde of thirsty geeks have arrived to consume it, so
I had better go.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jul 07 23:07:33 2002]--
From: (S) Never be mine (steph)
Subject: Saturday
A profitable day. Following the cleaning of my desk, I measured parts of my
room so I could buy shelves for them. In particular, one of my walls has a
strange excrescence, 65cm wide, 25cm deep, and 30cm tall, at the bottom which
makes finding a bookcase that would fit on it very tricky. I did some web
browsing to determine whether anyone sold a bookcase that shallow but the
closest I came was Ikea, with the 28cm-deep BILLY design. In the course of
this, I came across the somewhat surreal http://www.habitat.com/, which
requires Flash but is possibly the most strange web shop I've ever
encountered.
In the end I just wandered around town looking for something appropriate, and
found the solution to my problem in Robert Sayle: a bookshelf with only two
legs. In cross-section, the arrangement at the bottom will look a bit like
this.
| |
| |
| \
|_____ |
| |
wall ---->| |<---- leg
| O
The shelves are suspended from the leg poles, which rest on the floor at the
bottom and curve to rest on the wall at the top. Very nifty, although due to
stock problems, I'll have to wait a week or so for them to arrive. As a
consolation prize, I ordered myself a hatstand which will appear on Tuesday.
Following all this exciting shopping I met up with Ian and Clare to visit
Kettle's Yard to look at their random exhibition (which was interesting) and to
go round the House, which latter I'd not done before. It's a _wonderful_
place. It starts out all higgledy-piggeldy and cottage-like and opens out into
a wonderful new extension with a huge atrium. It also has the benefit of
several flights of stairs. I've always liked the idea of houses where there's
more than one way to get between two locations within the house -- it's one of
the reasons I like the strange hatch we have here at Greenend between the
kitchen and the dining room, even though you can also go via the hall -- and
when I've earned my millions the house I have built will be excitingly
multipathed like this.
There was a party in the evening. I asked how tall Paul McGann was, and we
ended up measuring the height of everyone at the party. I'm not sure this
helps.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 08 17:28:12 2002]--
From: (S) Never be mine (steph)
Subject: Sunday
The Archers, a cracking British Grand Prix, the second half of the Doctor Who
story `The Invasion', a game of Elfenland, another episode of 24.
Subject: Is
I woke up today with a splitting headache and sore throat, and when breakfast
and a shower failed to dispel them I decided to take the day off work.
Unfortunately, I've been too headachey to sleep or do much of anything
interesting like reading or writing, so I've been rather bored all day. Boo.
Things haven't improved yet, but I do hope they do by tomorrow. I'm not sure I
could stand the boredom of another day off.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 09 21:13:39 2002]--
From: (S) Never be mine (steph)
Subject: Is
Nope. I'm still ill. I think I'm getting better, in that the headache's
largely gone and the sore throat has turned into a cough, but I still feel
rather out of it.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jul 11 11:17:45 2002]--
From: (S) Never be mine (steph)
Subject: Is
And after a third day off work, I'm finally well enough to be back at work
again. It's great to be back, because being at home with nothing to do (or
rather, nothing I can do due to having a head full of porridge) is just
utterly soul-destroying.
I was well enough by yesterday afternoon to catalogue some more of my books.
I've got to `S' on the first pass through the fiction now, which is quite good
going. The hard part is working out how much space to leave free on each shelf
to slot in uncatalogued or unshelved books later. And then I should probably
separate out the non-fiction, poetry, and so forth...
At the moment I'm upgrading a Debian machine to the latest version, `woody',
because Oracle needs the newer libraries it provides. While I've been off ill,
this plan to get our Oracle plugin working on Linux has gone from `wouldn't it
be nice if' to business critical. Impressive, and it gives me a clear
priority that I actually approve of.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jul 12 21:11:54 2002]--
From: (S) Never be mine (steph)
Subject: Is
This evening was going to be an evening of working on my writing, getting the
plot sorted out, but it's turning into an ingenious form of self-torture where
I can neither drag myself away from the empty page nor think of anything to
write on it.
This is the sort of thing that makes me wonder whether I can still write. I
wonder if the skill disappeared shortly after the completion of the last
significant thing I wrote, eight years ago. If it has disappeared, can it be
coaxed back into life? Or do I have to grow up and realise that I'm stuck
faffing with intractable computers for the rest of my life?
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jul 13 20:20:38 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Is
I was still feeling rather depressed, as well as a bit headachey, when I woke
up this morning, and after some umming and ahhing I decided not to go to
Duxford with Clare and co. I probably would have enjoyed it, but I'm not too
unhappy about having missed it, as I found in town a creative writing
coursebook with lots of exercises in it: just the thing for my current
uncertain and block-ridden state. Sitting down in Borders (the quiet
air-conditioned bit of the top floor, rather than the overhot Starbucks cafe
part) with a frappuccino, I read it and felt as if I might be able to move
forward again. My mood lifted, and I bought some classical music to celebrate.
This evening, in the absence of any other ideas, I'm going to see the hot air
balloons and fireworks on Parker's Piece. Should be a pleasant way to round
off what has turned out to be quite a good day.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 16 10:58:38 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Sunday
On Sunday, James was away somewhere, so for our weekly `Doctor Who' we listened
to the first of Paul McGann's second season of stories for Big Finish,
`Invaders from Mars'. I enjoyed this silly New York romp more the second time
around, perhaps because I wasn't concentrating so much on the over-complex web
of subplots but enjoying the scenery instead. Having heard the rest of the
season's stories, I also appreciated the little foreshadowing of `The Time of
the Daleks' that we get in one scene between the Doctor and Orson Welles.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 16 11:04:56 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Monday
I woke up early, while dawn was turning bits of the sky an exciting pink, and
dozed on and off for a few hours before getting up (and then into work) late.
Over lunch, I dozed off and had the surreal experience of walking back to work
in a semisomnolent daze. Although in the afternoon I did contribute to getting
our Oracle plugin to work on Linux, it doesn't seem enough to have filled
several hours and so I can't really explain how it came to be 5:50 and time to
venture into town for pizza.
Time's weird.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 16 16:48:58 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Is
A few minutes ago, a small bird, probably a thrush, flew into the big window at
the back of our building and landed on the ground. I looked, and it still
seemed to be alive and breathing, but perhaps stunned or something. When it
hadn't moved for a while, I began to worry that it might bake in the sun, so I
went outside and picked the poor thing up. It struggled briefly and then
settled, slightly quiveringly, into my palms as I carried it over into the
shade of some trees. If all it needs is time to recover, it'll be able to, but
I fear it wounded its beak in the collision, so my efforts may well be in vain.
Still, I tried. Somehow, that matters.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 17 00:36:47 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Bird Update
My coworkers tell me the bird managed to fly away in the end. Makes me smile,
thinking of it, and also makes me wonder at the fact that I was so moved to try
to do something for it.
Fluffy bird syndrome, probably ;-).
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jul 19 17:00:07 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Is
Success! After lots of wrestling with Oracle I've managed to get it installed
on the second machine here, having managed to isolate the problem to
incompatibilities between my kernel and my hardware.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jul 19 22:43:31 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Was and Is
Wednesday was a writing night, so I went straight from work into town and went
to the Starbucks in Borders to have a coffee and do a bit of people-watching.
I picked a couple of people two tables away, and trying not to be too
conspicuous by staring at them, wrote as full a description of them as I could.
It felt very rewarding, not least because I'm very much the sort to sit inside
my own head rather than looking too closely at the people around me.
As seven o'clock approached, I wandered out to Jesus Green to listen to the
Archers. I picked a bench and sat down in the cool breeze while my dose of
Ambridge infused itself into me. In the strange half-world that the visual
senses become when you're paying attention to a completely imaginary world, I
watched people kick a football around in the distance.
Hungry, I went to the Maypole for food, their nice polpetti, and a pleasant
half of Director's, before returning to Borders. Grabbing a frappuccino --
these wonderful concoctions of coffee, ice, and caramel last ages and are great
for writing because you don't forget them and let them go cold -- I sat down
and did some more work. Lots of useful thoughts, lots of useful exercise.
This evening's been similar, although at home and with slightly more boring
coffee.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 22 11:13:27 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Weekend
Saturday was a bits-and-bobs day, which ended with a visit to the Arts Cinema
to see `Avalon', which was rather like an Eastern European version of Existenz.
Sunday saw my parents visit, and take me out for lunch. Later, not very good
`Doctor Who' in the form of `The Krotons'.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 22 11:18:46 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Is
I think today is going to be a bad day at work. I'll find myself sitting here
wondering why I bother, feeling bad about not getting anything done...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 29 11:38:27 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Is
Oops, missed a week there. Can't think of anything particularly exciting that
I've done, mind.
I did go down to Lymington on Tuesday to install a new firewall machine in
Yeoman's head office there. Since Yeoman started out doing navigation systems
for boats, their offices are in the middle of a boatyard, and I think they
appreciated the firewall being called `lighthouse'.
It's a long way down there, and not feasible to go by train, so I was picked up
by my coworker Gavin at 6am (!) and driven down there to arrive by about ten.
Then, leaving at about three, we made the journey back to Cambridge. I know I
wasn't driving, but just being in a car for that amount of time was very
tiring. Hence no Calling for me. I find myself going to the Calling less and
less these days, what with illness, tiredness, and apathy vying for my
attention...
I've been doing some writing this week. It's not largely been directed towards
any particular piece of work, but it's been more limbering-up exercises and
whimsical scribblings. `The Creative Writing Coursebook', edited by Julia Bell
and Paul Magrs, is proving very useful. Its interesting exercises keep
bringing me back to the page when I begin to get frustrated.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 30 09:36:27 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Is
I really hate Summer. In England we usually get away quite lightly, but
sometimes we have mini-heatwaves, and I can't stand those. I can't go anywhere
outdoors without becoming sticky with sweat, tired, and unable to think
properly.
I would just stay here at work in the nice cool air conditioning, but work is
as boring as a very boring thing at the moment.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 31 12:28:09 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Is
We've had a lot of thunder and rain since Monday. There was quite an
impressive storm on Monday evening, which I sat and observed while others
played penultima (sort of a cross between Mao and chess, I suppose), and
Tuesday was a day of much rain and thunder. The lights flickered here at work,
but the power blip did no damage except for triggering a monitoring system.
It rained all day, so when I walked home in the evening I wasn't that surprised
to see what is normally a stagnant drainage ditch had become a muddy torrent.
What did surprise me was that the puddles by the side of Milton Road had
extended across the road's whole width. Cars were having to ford the resulting
pond with care. It was like something you see on the news from a flood zone, a
very strange feeling of being at the mercy of the elements while the trees and
grass filled the thickly humid air with the green smell of plant life.
It was dim and grey this morning when I left for work, still spitting with
rain. I'd had to remove a snail from the inside of my bedroom window, where
it'd crawled during the night.
This is more my sort of weather.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 31 15:07:17 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Will Be
I'm being productive this afternoon, albeit not for my employer. I've mailed
the University Library about getting a new card from them, and Caius about
finally getting around to taking my MA. The reason for all this activity is
clear: I want to be able to research stuff for my nebulous story ideas in the
hope that they might become slightly less nebulous. The other benefit of a UL
card will be that it provides a good place to write on Saturdays.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Aug 01 09:44:55 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Glug
I went swimming last night, for the first time in quite a while. `Gosh,
exercise,' said my heart, and started beating rapidly.
Later, I wandered over to the Gallery to watch the second half of `The Seeds of
Death' in which the Doctor is Entirely Covered in Foam. Silly.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Aug 01 10:35:34 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Is
So far this morning I've read mail, drunk coffee, and been outside for a fire
drill. How much more fascinating can my day get?
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Aug 05 00:12:52 2002]--
From: (S) Hatstand (steph)
Subject: Is, aka The Writer's (slow, plodding) Progress
Sometimes trying to be a writer is like being in a plot. You write, and
suddenly you're faced with an insurmountable obstacle: you don't know how best
to murder someone in a 19th Century country house, or you don't know what 1770s
Vienna was like, or you have a sneaking suspicion the characters you're
currently writing for are just about to be written out of the series. So you
sigh and moan about the futility of the whole endeavour.
I started Thursday evening with the feeling that telling a story was something
I just couldn't do. I could string words together, yes, but plot was beyond
me, and subplots were completely out of the question. Reading choice snippets
from various books in Borders' creative writing section, I felt my
self-confidence returning, and could see over the other side of the obstacle.
Once you learn to look at the problem in a different way, or to understand it
better, you can get over it, or round it. The obstacle is gone and you can
start telling your story again. But what's this? You've got maybe ten scenes
you know you want in your story but you still don't really know where it's
going and why, and now you've dried up again. Having started to lay the
foundations of a story, you're faced with another obstacle. You give up, drink
tea, and wonder where your imagination went.
On Friday evening I was ready to get lots of writing done. I had the house to
myself, a pack of Rich Tea biscuits, and I'd refilled my fountain pen to make
writing that extra bit easier. Index cards were jotted on, plots and plans
were laid, and then I stopped. Suddenly and without warning my imagination
ceased to function, as if I'd used up my ration for the day. Research saved
the day.
So it continues in its rhythmic alternation of progress and setback. The
difference, I hope, between this and a true plot is that it should get easier
rather than harder the more I do it.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 06 10:24:58 2002]--
From: (S) Tension, apprehension and dissension (steph)
Subject: Is
A little bit of progress after a subdued post-pizza last night. I sat down and
wrote down all the characters in my current project, and managed to make some
connections I'd not made before, which is giving the beginnings of a shape to a
subplot. The hit of working out how things are going to fit together is
getting to be addictive.
I ought to go to the Calling tonight, but it's so tempting to stay at home and
start fleshing out some of these people a bit more. They're still rather
two-dimensional at the moment.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 07 09:58:09 2002]--
From: (S) Tension, apprehension and dissension (steph)
Subject: Is
However, I was feeling too exhausted and depressed to do anything useful, so I
just read and listened to CDs. Bit of a waste of an evening.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Aug 10 21:28:37 2002]--
From: (S) Tension, apprehension and dissension (steph)
Subject: Is
We acquired an old ITV Digital set top box the other day, so I've been
tinkering with it. Digital telly is a very temperamental beast, though.
Earlier in the afternoon I managed to get all the BBC channels flawlessly, but
after I plugged the whole thing back together in a slightly different location
(under the TV rather than propped up beside it) it started complaining of
insufficient signal, and stubbornly displayed only a red dot. Having fiddled a
bit with the coax leading to our aerial I got a bit more out of it: exciting
modern art mosaics of bits of channel with a soundtrack of squeaks and pops.
I suspect the aerial will need some tweaking, but if anyone has any other
exciting ideas to improve reception I'm happy to try them :-).
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Aug 10 22:02:50 2002]--
From: (S) Tension, apprehension and dissension (steph)
Subject: The Effect of Trees on Television Reception
http://www.bbc.co.uk/reception/factsheets/docs/reception_trees.pdf
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Aug 12 10:10:54 2002]--
From: (S) Tension, apprehension and dissension (steph)
Subject: Is
On Sunday, after The Archers, I went shopping for an amplifier to improve the
Digital TV reception. Comet had several, but wouldn't give me my money back if
the box did nothing for me. Curry's had a more limited selection, but a more
enlightened returns policy, so I bought a One4All VHF/UHF signal amplifier with
a gain control on the understanding that if it didn't improve matters I could
get my money back.
A refund turned out not to be necessary, though. I plugged in the aerial,
turned the gain up to 15dB, and Digital TV was mine. Not that there's a great
deal to watch at the moment; beyond the five terrestrial TV channels we can
get:
BBC Four and BBC Choice (both evenings only)
CBBC and CBeebies (children's nonsense, the former mostly non-stop S Club 7)
ITN (5:30am - 9am only)
BBCi interactive stuff
Everything else we already get from NTL's analogue cable TV service. Still,
it's nice to see the new technology working and to understand a bit more about
the ways in which it doesn't work when it doesn't work.
The one remaining glitch is that the digital box really needs the full 15dB
gain from the amplifier, but if the video is fed a signal that strong it
suffers from interference on all channels...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Aug 12 10:15:45 2002]--
From: (S) Tension, apprehension and dissension (steph)
Subject: Weekending
Other than that, what did I do over the weekend? I spent much of Saturday
morning in the University Library's rare books room, reading a lovely 1790s
guidebook to Vienna. On Sunday afternoon I went for a walk around Milton
Country Park in an attempt to sort out some of the problems in my current
story. I came up with some ideas that will help, but there are still some
alarming gaps.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 13 17:17:07 2002]--
From: (S) Tension, apprehension and dissension (steph)
Subject: Is
Work is being tedious at the moment. I find myself casting around for small
things to do, because although there are big things that need to be done, I
don't have the courage to attempt them.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 14 10:38:00 2002]--
From: (S) Tension, apprehension and dissension (steph)
Subject: Bloody Mono
Apologies to those of you who read this diary in other fora. An `upgrade' to
the mono software has broken all sorts of things, including the way From: lines
are displayed in this diary. Whoever had the silly idea of changing everything
should be shot. Idiots.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Aug 18 23:13:01 2002]--
From: (S) What pillock broke the namelines? (steph)
Subject: 24
Well, I've just watched the final episode of `24', and it was a bit of a
disappointment. A very odd decision was made not to show something, rather
than, say, showing it deliberately ambiguously, which robbed the ending of all
its power because viewers were too busy wondering what the hell had just
happened rather than concentrating on its implications and consequences.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Aug 18 23:22:49 2002]--
From: (S) What pillock broke the namelines? (steph)
Subject: Is
In other news, I've discovered (yet another) strange thing about my writing.
Complaining at someone about being stuck with the plot seems to cause me to
become unstuck. Perhaps it's that I need to explain the nature of the problem
to someone, so that I can understand it better myself. Then it's simply a
question of letting my brain brew this understanding for a while before pouring
the result into fresh scenes.
Yesterday afternoon, two of my characters had a blazing row. I think I was at
least as surprised as they were.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 20 21:12:19 2002]--
From: (S) What pillock broke the namelines? (steph)
Subject: Is
Sniffle. Just what I didn't need this evening: a cold. I was going to be
working and Getting Stuff Done, but my head's full of porridge.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Aug 23 15:34:55 2002]--
From: (S) What pillock broke the namelines? (steph)
Subject: Catchup
As a result of aforementioned cold, I spent Wednesday and Thursday at home
feeling guilty about not being at work. On the plus side, I did get the
opportunity to read Michael Frayn's `The Trick of It' and to give `The Waste
Land' a more attentive look.
Although the temperature regulation isn't quite right and I still have a
headache, I'm back at work today. Fair enough, since I'll only be working two
days next week.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Aug 24 14:21:57 2002]--
From: (S) What pillock broke the namelines? (steph)
Subject: Is
Judging from the pile of dead or discarded scenes in the bin behind me, today's
writing session is going particularly well.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Aug 25 13:39:11 2002]--
From: (S) What pillock broke the namelines? (steph)
Subject: Is
Today's, on the other hand, seems to be something of a non-starter. For some
reason I just can't get myself in the right frame of mind, so I'm doing
something else useful instead: upgrading to Debian 3.0. Only time will tell
how badly this will break my system.
I ought to recover some of my enthusiasm for computers. I work with them every
day, but recently I've been finding them more irritating than interesting,
clumsy tools rather than versatile playthings. I don't mind that point of view
in itself, but if I find my work boring it'll become depressing, and that
depression will leak out into other areas of my life. So, I've decided, I
shall buy myself a graphics tablet and do creative things with the Gimp.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Aug 28 19:07:42 2002]--
From: (S) Allegorical construct (steph)
Subject: Is
It's the last day of my extended break from work, and it hasn't been an
entirely unproductive break. I did buy the graphics tablet, and having got it
working I've been doodling randomly in spare moments, in between the main thing
I've been doing, which is writing. The writing isn't going too badly, either.
I've made some headway in restructuring the story to stop it sagging in the
middle, and characters and plot are becoming better defined.
It's cheering to realise that not long ago the whole thing was four or five
words on a page of my notebook, and now it's a story full of (nearly) living
breathing characters. Didn't someone say that their story `grew in the
telling'? I think I'm beginning to understand some of the nature of that
growth.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Aug 30 17:36:20 2002]--
From: (S) Allegorical construct (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm ashamed of being a writer. At least, that's the only explanation I can
think of for my slightly embarrassed reticence when asked what I do in my spare
time. It's a strange thing to want to hide. As far as I know it's not
illegal, immoral, or socially unacceptable to write or even merely to want to
write, but it's something I'm reluctant to discuss outside the company of
friends. My sneaking suspicion that I'm simply not very good at writing may
have something to do with it.
Nevertheless, it is strange.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Sep 03 17:10:58 2002]--
From: (S) Allegorical construct (steph)
Subject: Is
Some time ago BBC Worldwide, who publish the `Doctor Who' novels, made a
decision to halve the number of books they produce each year from 22 to 11.
When I first heard this I'd only read a couple and it didn't seem any great
loss. Now I'm a hopeful author it's a slightly discouraging move.
Still, mustn't grumble. Regardless of anything else, I've got a story growing
in my head now, and it wants to be told.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Sep 06 17:31:31 2002]--
From: (S) Allegorical construct (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm tired, but with stuff to do tonight (and stuff I've put aside bits of
social life for, too) I could do with having energy and enthusiasm. Ah well.
Maybe I'll feel better once I've walked home and had some dinner.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 11 17:08:03 2002]--
From: (S) Allegorical construct (steph)
Subject: Is
This is a test. Regular service will be resumed when I've fixed all the
exciting problems this diary is experiencing.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Sep 12 15:07:34 2002]--
From: (S) Allegorical construct (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm glad yesterday is over. All the `one year on' coverage of the WTC attacks
was driving me round the bend, and the whole mass of commemoration seemed tacky
and tawdry. If the Americans wanted to do something, that's their choice, I
suppose, but I don't see why we had to follow. The only thing that gave me
pause for thought yesterday was just how little the USA seems to have learned
from its experiences; instead of realising that unilateral self-interested
strongman behaviour loses you friends and gains you enemies, they're indulging
in it more and more.
I tried to go swimming yesterday evening, but the pool was closed for a
swimming competition. So much for my resolve to get some decent exercise
every week. The writing is going a little better; I had an idea in Borders
last night (after failing to go swimming) which makes parts of my story work
rather better, but I wasn't able to capitalise on that invention when I got
back home to my desk, so I settled for reading some more of `The Picture of
Dorian Gray' instead.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Sep 16 12:16:49 2002]--
From: (S) Alligator toadstool (steph)
Subject: Is
For the past few days I've felt almost constantly as if I were slightly
hungover, although in fact it's probably a low-level cold. My head has felt
almost constantly as if it's full of porridge, and I've had neck- and earache
compounding the problem.
Nonetheless I've achieved a few things. Firstly, I got some more research done
in the University Library, reading about Enlightenment science and society.
Secondly, I finished the computer game `Silent Hill' on Gareth's PlayStation.
`Silent Hill' is a strange game. Like most games of its type it sets out to be
a narrative, with the gameplay strung between video scenes and clues where more
of what's going on is revealed. It succeeds marvellously at conveying a
nightmare world and building tension, and at times it's terrifying. For me,
though, it fails when it comes to its narrative for two reasons:
(1) In a crudely-rendered world with very few characters, it's very hard to
slip information in casually, so information has to be delivered in
expository video sequences, or via objects that the player chooses to
collect and examine.
(2) The player can choose to do things or not to do things, and so can miss
out on crucial pieces of information. What might have made sense becomes a
deus ex machina ending, and emotional power is lost in the player's
confusion.
If a game is going to pretend to be a narrative, and since I don't find
shooting otherworldly beasties particularly thrilling that's what I was playing
`Silent Hill' for, the narrative has to make complete sense regardless of what
the player does. It has to compensate for the book I didn't read, the drunk
soldier I didn't happen across, or it has to shoehorn me into reading the book
and meeting the soldier. Otherwise I'm left unsatisfied by the ending. You
may say that I need to play the whole thing through again in order to get more
out of it, but I'm no more likely to want to replay a disappointing game than I
am to rewatch a disappointing film.
The alternative is for games to stop pretending to be films, but I think that
would be a shame. I'd love to see a really thrilling interactive movie, but
`Silent Hill' shows that we're not there yet.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Sep 17 12:54:22 2002]--
From: (S) Alligator toadstool (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm feeling rather better today, although still not on top form, so I've been
wrestling with various bits of work rather than staring at my screen and going
`Mmm, web pages', Homer Simpson style. I'm not sure that there's much of an
improvement since I'm now noting that this version of gdb dumps core, and so
does this one, and so does _this_ one...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Sep 24 21:03:22 2002]--
From: (S) Alligator toadstool (steph)
Subject: Is
Darkness, when I need to be getting work done.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 25 09:45:53 2002]--
From: (S) Alligator toadstool (steph)
Subject: Is
Fortunately, I found the metaphorical light-switch by listening to some Doctor
Who. After that I was able to do some more work on the CUSFS magazine I'm
putting together, TTBA. It's making solid progress, but I've run up against
the problem that the word processor I'm using to produce it (KWord) has turned
out not to be WYSIWYG; I asked for 10 point Times and got (both on paper and in
Print Preview) a very badly kerned Helvetica. Most office software just
doesn't suit my brain, and when I find some that does (I can drive KWord
without tearing my hair out) it doesn't work properly. Sigh.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 25 14:37:02 2002]--
From: (S) Alligator toadstool (steph)
Subject: Is
Victory! Having upgraded KWord to the latest and greatest version, my document
now prints and previews perfectly. Hurrah!
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 01 17:18:01 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm getting back to the novel, now TTBA is nearly out of the way, and it's not
quite as daunting a prospect as I had feared. A few ideas have made their way
into my notebooks and have been waiting for me to integrate them into the rest
of the plot... Lots of research beckons, so I'm looking forward to a UL card
with borrowing rights so that I can do research more than one day a week, and
from the comfort of my own desk. (I will admit there's something to sitting in
North Front 4 on a quiet Saturday afternoon, though.)
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 02 16:06:12 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Is
The topic of Israel and the Palestinians has come up once more in a local
newsgroup, and once again I am surprised by how one-sided and extreme my
reactions are to the situation in the Occupied Territories. When I was out
there in 1994, there was a real sense of peace and future, and I felt able to
see both sides' point of view. Now it seems to me that the vast majority of
the blame for the situation lies with the Israeli government, and I find myself
railing at (possibly justified) criticisms of the Palestinian Authority.
Worse, I seem to find in me very little condemnation for the actions of the
Palestinian suicide bombers. Maybe I need to go on a `Regaining your Humanity'
course.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Oct 05 14:24:07 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: worralorrabooks
Ooh. I've just bought 16 Doctor Who books for L24 from Booksale. Bargain.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 07 15:43:14 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Is
Having produced a TTBA for CUSFS, so that they had one to show off at the
Societies' Fair tomorrow, I'm now grinding my teeth as colleges try their best
to thwart the society's attempts to be organised.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 08 23:46:38 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Is
A productive day, today. I got a number of useful things done at work, and
this evening (after a slightly disorienting doze) not only did I get part of a
short story written, but I also made some progress on the novel.
The novel currently exists largely in the form of scribblings, fragments, and a
number of 5x3 index cards with plot events on. Tonight's achievement was to
start writing the contents of these cards in a linear form. I began this as a
way of wasting time while my brain woke up enough to do something really
useful, but it turns out that the process of converting cards of connected
events into a running narrative is useful in itself. Gaps in the story become
more evident, and it's comparatively easy to fill them with the vast pile of
stuff I have in the rest of my notes.
This probably makes no sense to anyone but me, but trust me, it's encouraging.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 08 23:49:55 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Recently, I have been reading...
`Doctor Who - Time Zero' by Justin Richards
`October the First is Too Late' by Fred Hoyle
`The Dispossessed' by Ursula Le Guin
`The Picture of Dorian Gray' by Oscar Wilde
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Oct 17 11:19:02 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Is
A good Wednesday evening. I always feel an evening is good if I've managed to
do more than one thing in it, and last night I did three. First, I went to
Borders and wrote a page of novel. Second, I went to my Creative Writing
class. Third, I went to Kate's to help set up her new Linux box, which was
surprisingly easy, and also pleasant because it came with wine, cookies,
coffee, and company. Hurrah for all that.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 22 10:30:36 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Is
Back at work today, after a day off yesterday due to being Ill. It is the
season of colds and mellow snuffliness.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 22 10:37:56 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Milk
I am annoyed about milk. Last week I went to buy some milk, and it came in a 2
litre carton, so only 3.5 pints instead of the usual four. This was bad
enough, but bearable. What was annoying was that I was then charged the same
price for this reduced quantity of milk as I used to be for four pints: L1.19.
I grumbled at the shop assistant, she made sympathetic noises, and I departed
with my diminished milk supply. When next I went to buy milk, insult had been
added to injury. Not only was I only to get 3.5 pints of milk, but it now cost
L1.25. That's a twenty percent increase in the price of milk!
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 22 19:59:32 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Is
A random attack of everything feeling wrong.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 28 11:10:00 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Catchup
Lots to talk about, no inclination to talk about it. Thursday was notable for
Neal Stephenson coming to town to witter amiably about Newton and Leibniz,
Friday was notable for my boss's boss giving most of his underlings the rest of
the afternoon off at about 3:30, Saturday for a trip to Kettle's Yard with
Clare, and Sunday for Who at the Gallery followed by energetic bouncing on
dance mats.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 28 11:12:43 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Recently, I have been reading...
`Doctor Who - The Year of Intelligent Tigers' by Kate Orman
`Elementals' by A.S. Byatt
`Zodiac' by Neal Stephenson
`Doctor Who - The Infinity Race' by Simon Messingham
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Oct 31 11:07:11 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Tuesday
On Tuesday evening I went to the Calling for the first time in ages. As it's
Hallowe'en this week, various people were dressed up, notably Alex as a
werewolf (which made him look a good sight more human than usual).
Unfortunately the music wasn't much good and I'm never very good at
conversation at Callings. Somehow the effort of speaking to people over the
noise is a barrier, and I end up bored unless there's something to do in the
form of danceable music.
Subject: Wednesday
Wednesday evening was a full evening. Straight after work I went swimming, and
then after a bite to eat I went to my Creative Writing class, where we looked
at rhythm. After that I popped along to juggling, having been persuaded to go
along by Gareth and Simon at the Calling, and had fun reminding myself that I
can still juggle clubs. On returning home, there was the evening's `Stargate'
to watch, so hurrah for all that.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Nov 01 02:15:44 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Is
CUSFS held a curry meet at the Maharajah, so I went to that, and witnessed one
of the strangest behaviours of a restaurant: trying to assert that a service
charge (mentioned only in very small print at the bottom of the menu) was
mandatory and then trying to keep a debit card with which one of us had paid
for our portion of the bill. Fortunately the restauranteur was annoyed enough
that he tried to make a point with the card by tapping it on the bill, at which
point Ian seized it from his fingers and returned the card to Gaute. (Ian left
a card with his name and address with the restaurant in case they wanted to
argue further, but they flung it away. All rather amusing, really.)
I've never known a restaurant claim a service charge was mandatory, and I'm
further boggled that they tried to hold a debit card hostage to try to enforce
this. Since the service was poor anyway, and we'd been kept waiting half an
hour for a table we had booked well in advance, I strongly recommend that
readers do not visit the Maharajah on Castle Hill in Cambridge.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Nov 01 02:16:56 2002]--
From: (S) System diagnostics (steph)
Subject: Is
Later, an interesting conversation with Ian about literature, SF, genre, form,
technique, and content. I wish I'd been rather more awake and sober for it,
though.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Nov 01 23:23:53 2002]--
From: (S) 1779 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
I am currently engaged in one of the daftest exercises I've ever undertaken.
I'm trying to write a novel, or at least a 50,000 word novella, in a month.
This is scary, because trying to write a novel in a month is clearly silly.
This is the idea of National Novel Writing Month (www.nanowrimo.org), and I'm
foolish enough to be one of the few thousand people in the world to attempt to
write fifty thousand words between now and the end of November. It's an
exercise in harnessing the magic power of deadlines, and my personal hope is
that it will get me into the habit of writing regularly and persuade me that a
novel isn't as much of an unattainable goal as it seems. If the resulting
work is even slightly good that'll be a bonus.
The working title is `The Light and Depth of Mercredi Williams', and I'll try
to keep my nameline up to date with the current word count.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Nov 03 00:17:56 2002]--
From: (S) 3205 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
It's been a wet day, but a good one. I spent much of it wandering around town
shopping, with occasional breaks in coffee shops to write. By complete chance
I met Clare in town, and we wandered off first to House! and then to Relativity
for food. Then I returned here and got some more words of the novel written.
I'm technically a little bit behind, but this doesn't bother me too much, as
there's plenty of time tomorrow to catch up.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Nov 03 14:31:40 2002]--
From: (S) 3934 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
I don't know if I'm just having a bad day, but I'm not feeling so good about
this novel-in-a-month thing at the moment. The stuff I've done so far really
isn't very good and while that's to be expected it feels disappointing for the
comparatively large amount of effort involved.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Nov 03 23:27:29 2002]--
From: (S) 4914 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Who, dance mats, and winning Carcassonne at the Gallery upped my mood enough
for me to come back home and write a thousand words to finish the current
chapter, which has in turn cheered me further. Hurrah for all that.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 05 00:15:01 2002]--
From: (S) 5651 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
The novel is flagging, due largely to a near-complete lack of plot. A killer
headache doesn't help much either. I'm about 1000 words behind target, which
ups the quantity I have to produce daily to keep this thing going. I do have
tomorrow evening completely free to write in, but...
At what point should I (a) give this silly idea up, and (b) conclude from this
that I'm just not cut out to be a writer?
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 05 09:36:30 2002]--
From: (S) 5651 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Grr
> I do have tomorrow evening completely free to write
Argh. No I don't. It's fireworks night.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Nov 07 22:19:21 2002]--
From: (S) 10130 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Yay, I've broken through the 10,000 word barrier, and I'm only about 1,500
words behind schedule.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Nov 08 22:49:09 2002]--
From: (S) 11734 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Hm. Slightly wonky chapter happening here. All the characterisation's gone to
pot, because I've not written for this version of my protagonist since chapter
two. Ah well, never mind.
Still behind, but I'm managing to stay only about a day's worth behind. Maybe
I can write another 800 words of tosh this evening.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Nov 08 23:20:17 2002]--
From: (S) 12121 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
You know you've got the hang of this nanowrimo thing when you add an extra word
just to get a cool palindromic word count.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Nov 10 01:11:17 2002]--
From: (S) 14006 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Waah. I've just put my protagonist in hospital. That wasn't supposed to
happen!
I'm clawing back the words, only being about a thousand behind schedule now.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 12 20:55:40 2002]--
From: (S) 18224 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
It's my birthday today, and my present to myself was `The Book of the War',
which is probably best described as a continuity guide to a continuity that
doesn't actually exist. It's an encyclopaedia of the actions of Faction
Paradox, Lawrence Miles' time-travelling voodoo cult and just like any good
reference book it draws you into endless cross-reference chases. While based
on the `Doctor Who' universe in part, it's not a BBC publication and doesn't
mention Gallifrey, Time Lords, or TARDISes. What you choose to see in the
Great Houses and their Timeships is entirely up to you.
On the novel-writing front, Chapter Eight has just happened, and at a round
4000 words it's the longest chapter so far. I suspect this is because it drags
its feet too much before getting into anything, but of course I sha'n't be
cutting anything at the moment!
I'm off to the Calling imminently, which potentially alcoholic event might make
today's remaining eight hundred words somewhat interesting.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Nov 13 01:30:04 2002]--
From: (S) 19000 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
A fun bouncy Calling, and the words afterwards to keep me on track. So,
Mercredi has been arrested, but for what crime? The police know, and Mercredi
knows, but the reader doesn't... Am I not cruel? (Or is it just that I'm
delaying having to think of a plausible way for her to get out of this one?)
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Nov 14 00:46:20 2002]--
From: (S) 20814 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Slowly diminishing my deficit. Now I'm only a little over eight hundred words
behind schedule.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Nov 14 22:27:57 2002]--
From: (S) 21306 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
I think there's a bug in the way I count words I write in the small notebook I
carry around with me, in which a lot of `The Light and Depth of Mercredi
Williams' has been written. I seem consistently to underestimate the amount of
text I've written by about 20%. Whether this is because the figure I use for
the average number of words per line is too low, or because I edit more text in
when typing up, I don't know. It leads to pleasant surprises, though.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Nov 16 00:32:47 2002]--
From: (S) 23962 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
A cracking evening's writing. I haven't been pleased with some of the stuff
I've done over the past couple of days. and it showed in the way my pace
slowed. Although quality isn't the aim of NaNoWriMo, poor writing slows me
down enough that quantity is endangered. Today's stuff has flowed and I'm
moderately pleased with it.
I'm still about a thousand words behind, but there'll be time to make that up.
It's half-way through November, I've nearly written 25,000 words, and I've got
about half of my plot down on paper. So far, so good :-).
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Nov 16 10:56:09 2002]--
From: (S) 23962 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Whinge. I came into work this morning with the intention of bringing our
firewall machine down to single-user mode to investigate (and hopefully fix)
some filesystem problems on /var. What I didn't realise was that my boss is
running a long data reindexing job via an SSH connection through the firewall
machine, so I can't bring the machine down. Growl.
So the sum total of this morning's achievements is that I've put a tape drive
in a rack.
Growl grumble.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Nov 16 23:02:22 2002]--
From: (S) 25785 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Aww! Mercredi's lovely sometimes. Maybe a little naive and uncertain of
herself, but lovely nevertheless. The novel's called `The Light and Depth of
Mercredi Williams' and this is definitely one of the Light chapters.
And I've crossed the half-way mark, and I'm diminishing my deficit again!
Hurrah!
*fx: pats fictional characters on the head*
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Nov 17 22:40:14 2002]--
From: (S) 26462 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Just passing through to note another pretty palindromic word count.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 19 00:25:58 2002]--
From: (S) 29053 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
I've been ill today with a cold that I probably caught off one of Clare or
Peter. Can't be helped, and I did nearly get to the end of `Emma', which I
shall probably finish in bed in ten minutes. Jane Austen doesn't half go on,
though.
Speaking of going on, I'm set to break the 30,000 word barrier tomorrow.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 19 16:57:13 2002]--
From: (S) 29053 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
*sniffle* *hack* *blear* Today I am iller than I was yesterday so have managed
little more reading than the first couple of chapters of `Foreign Devils', the
new `Doctor Who' novella by Andrew Cartmel. So far it's looking good, lots of
atmosphere, and mysteries appearing all over the place. One criticism I would
level at it so far is that the horror in the first chapter is more blatant than
it needed to be for an equivalent effect.
The rest of the time I've been sleeping, listening to the radio, and watching
episodes of `Stargate SG-1'. Bah. Want to be well. How I'll write today's
1667 words with my head this full of goo is quite beyond me.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 19 23:24:00 2002]--
From: (S) 30036 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, I've managed just over a thousand words, but they and I feel awful, so I
sha'n't try any more, even if the deficit is now about a day's worth...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Nov 20 13:00:37 2002]--
From: (S) 30036 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Just wanted to write down something that sprang into my mind while I was
putting lunch together:
`Ours is a corned beef love: great when you get into it, but you might cut
yourself getting there.'
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Nov 20 16:07:31 2002]--
From: (S) 30694 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Feeling a bit better this afternoon, with the result that I've written some
words, and may write some more later. Now, with any luck I'll be well enough
to go to work tomorrow...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Nov 21 00:55:00 2002]--
From: (S) 32145 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Definitely better, so I shall go to work tomorrow with a happy heart and a head
mercifully empty of extraneous goo.
This evening, my Creative Writing class went to Border's to hear some author
(Kate Atkinson?) read from her new short story collection. The story she read
was wonderfully engaging, and I think I may buy the collection and perhaps try
one of her novels. After that we retired to the sofas at the other end of the
second floor, in the weird stuff section, for the rest of the class.
More words have been written, and today's wellness has helped me claw back some
of yesterday's illness deficit.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Nov 22 00:07:28 2002]--
From: (S) 33570 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
I was back at work today, but not really with it. Although definitely better
than the rest of this week, I was troubled by pressure at the top of my nose
and a resulting headache, so I did little more than organise fruit and ogle the
MacOS X box that passed through the office on its way to Lymington.
Oh, you wanted to know about the fruit thing? Fair enough.
At a brainstorming session a few weeks ago, we were asked for suggestions on
how to motivate staff. I suggested `free fruit'. Today I was asked to canvas
opinions on what fruit people would like, so that Marketing could buy everyone
in the company free fruit tomorrow. Wow.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Nov 23 17:04:02 2002]--
From: (S) 36683 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
A couple of sessions of scribbling in coffee shops today has given me 1400
words already. If I write when I get back this evening as well, I shall be
able to munch away that pesky deficit.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Nov 24 01:09:02 2002]--
From: (S) 37033 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
I went to a meeting of various Cambridge `Doctor Who' people this evening,
having heard about it from Steven Kitson. It was fun to meet some of the
people I'd vaguely heard from and about in various Who fora, and I got a sneak
preview of the Lance Parkin / Allan Bednar `Miranda' comic [*], which looks
very pretty and worth getting hold of.
I did feel a little nervous and gawky, though. Sometimes my social skills
desert me when it comes to new people.
[*] For anyone who doesn't know, Miranda is the Doctor's daugher [**] from
Lance Parkin's novel `Father Time'
[**] Damn. I heard that `Doctor Who Magazine' made this typo in their news
story about the comic. Must be an easier typo to make than I thought. Either
that or I'm actually Clayton Hickman in heavy disguise.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Nov 24 23:41:03 2002]--
From: (S) 39159 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Watch the amazing shrinking deficit. Only about 850 words now.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 25 23:29:04 2002]--
From: (S) 41349 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Woo. Chapter fifteen is huge, but it spoils my nice structure to split it. Oh
well. Deficit is now only... 317 words.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 26 20:08:38 2002]--
From: (S) 41349 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Someone has affixed a label to the inside of our back door.
It reads:
`to the exodomestic horticulture'
How odd.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 26 22:49:50 2002]--
From: (S) 43246 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Deficit down to a humble ninety-six words. If I don't write any more tonight
it's because I really don't have any clear idea how this chapter will work and
I need a day's worth of `oh hell, this chapter is imminent' panic to get the
characters to do the right things (and in one case tell me who they are).
I suppose I could write the prologue, now that the thing that causes the
prologue to happen has happened in Chapter Fifteen. Multiple time-lines in
fiction: just say ow, my head hurts, what month were we in?
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 26 23:07:58 2002]--
From: (S) 43437 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
There, one prologue later, and the deficit has become a, a... a what? A
bonus? A credit? An antideficit, perhaps. Anyway, whatever it is, it's about
95 words big.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Nov 27 23:53:03 2002]--
From: (S) 45019 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Cringeworthy chapter section just gone past. If this thing gets edited at some
point, this bit won't survive. Hopefully the way I've worked out of getting it
to say the things I want without it being awful isn't too intrusive. Oh, I
dunno. It's all words, I suppose.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Nov 28 11:17:10 2002]--
From: (S) 45019 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Mope
No effort, no energy, no inclination to fill the remaining 5000 words of the
novel. Too much stuff to do, and I've not made the effort to do it. I have
to:
* Write to the BBC to complain about Telos losing their licence
* Order a copy of `Walking in Eternity'
* Find a B5 tape for CUSFS
* Decide whether to carry on writing course next term
* Organise my holiday
* Sort out going home for Christmas
Oh, and there's the slight matter of 5000 words to write in the next three
days. Mope.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Nov 29 10:18:40 2002]--
From: (S) 46676 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, I'm struggling onwards, writing the words one at a time. Only two more
days to go of this now.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Nov 29 22:45:58 2002]--
From: (S) 48339 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Last day tomorrow. Only 1661 words to go. Can't be hard, can it?
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Nov 30 14:55:53 2002]--
From: (S) 50008 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Whoops of joy, things. I have done it. I have written that many words in a
month. Wow. Things. Gosh. Ooh.
Cripes.
I would like to dedicate this entry to the authors of `wc', without whom...
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 06 10:10:35 2002]--
From: (S) 50008 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Is
Colin Greenland came to the pub with CUSFS last night to give us lots of books
for the library. Not only is this amazingly fluffy of him, but he's great to
talk to as well. And he sold me a copy of `Mother of Plenty' to complete the
trilogy. Lovely man.
Afterwards we sloped off to House! and watched Dogma there. I'd forgotten how
much fun it is.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 06 18:11:26 2002]--
From: (S) 50008 / 50000 (steph)
Subject: Will Be
...on holiday! Technology is scary sometimes, but in a good way. I've just
managed to sort out my holiday to Vienna in less than half an hour. Sometimes
the webternet is just what I wanted...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Dec 10 16:40:24 2002]--
From: (S) No mean feet (steph)
Subject: Was
Soooo. It was a tiring weekend. On Saturday Marisa and Graham were married,
which was lovely, followed by a reception on the top floor of the Castle, which
was also lovely. I left so that I could go home and get changed into clothes
suitable for going to the Killing Miranda gig later in the evening, but found
that I was so tired that I could barely make it twenty metres down the road
without falling asleep on my feet. I went home and dozed instead.
Sunday was less tiring, but it was full of other people being tired at the
Gallery; Mary, James, and Gareth were all tired from being up too much the
previous evening with assorted pantomimicry, so after the rest of us had
watched `The Seeds of Doom' the gathering slowly evaporated.
Yesterday evening I went to visit Ben in the new house he's sharing with Jon,
Jacob, Kirsten, and Benedict. It's an impressively rambling place, and
currently impressively full of boxes. It also has a sad heap of collapsed
ceiling in the hallway, but I gather that's going to be fixed. After tea, we
fiddled for a while with MacOS in Arabic, and prodded MacPuTTY.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 29 18:25:49 2002]--
From: (S) No mean feet (steph)
Subject: Is
Lots of catching up to do and perhaps no will to do it. I've been in Vienna,
Cambridge, and Wellingborough, in that order, and it's all been Christmassy and
celebratory, even if I did miss the famous Gallery Christmas. Now I'm back,
though, and I'm in one of those reflective-going-on-depressive moods, triggered
by all sorts of little random things on- and offline.
I haven't written anything much in weeks.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 02 00:04:15 2003]--
From: (S) Things that go beep in the night (steph)
Subject: Is
So, it's 2003. Does that matter? Probably not. Pick an arbitrary date to
flip an arbitrary year number. It wasn't so long ago that the New Year was
celebrated in late March.
Happy arbitrary changes to you all.
(And comiserations to the poor Radio 4 announcer who had to tell listeners that
they were unable to broadcast the chimes of Big Ben at midnight.)
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jan 05 23:11:15 2003]--
From: (S) Things that go beep in the night (steph)
Subject: Is
`Stay close to the Vorlon. And watch out for soap operas. They move when
you're not looking.'
And now a bunch of lists.
Recently, I have been reading:
The Adventuress of Henrietta Street, by Lawrence Miles
Spares, by Michael Marshall Smith
Nightdreamers, by Tom Arden
Things I got for Christmas:
A mystic mist generator.
A bottle of wine, cheese, and corkscrew set.
A bottle of wine.
Berlin.
Alan Bennett on CD.
New Year's Resolutions:
Write another novel.
Get a novel proposal done for the BBC.
Go swimming more.
Take fewer buses.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jan 07 00:29:54 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, while it won't yet do anything useful or work or transfer a great deal of
data, I now have a version of PuTTY's network layer for Mac Open Transport that
at least compiles. Writing C is always a strange experience for me. I'm not
very good at it and I always get my pointers in a twist, so something that
compiles always feels like something of an achievement.
Programming in general is an exercise in temporal symmetry. You start with a
completely empty file, which is completely valid. You progress through the
land of pointer monsters and complexity to produce something large but
invalid, before taming the beast and bringing it back to validity.
Somewhere there must be a race of people whose sole purpose is to unwrite code,
and slowly bring the most complex programs to a virgin state of pure, bug-free,
nothingness.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 09 11:30:07 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: Is
I may now have a piece of code for PuTTY for the Mac that may actually transfer
some data if provoked in the right way. I'd know for sure, but the emulated
Mac I'm developing on crashed unexpectedly while I was building, and I couldn't
be bothered to work out how to delete all .o files from a directory with the
Mac GUI. You don't appreciate command lines until you don't have them.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 09 15:15:52 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: Is
Remind me never to try installing Oracle on a HP-UX box again. On Solaris,
it's almost a question of just running the installer and you're there. On
HP-UX, you have to:
* Patch the OS to the eyeballs
* Tweak 48,000 kernel parameters and reboot
* Download and install a JDK
...before you can safely get as far as running the installer. Growl. I admit
I may be growling because all the hoops are unfamiliar to me and hence slow to
jump through, but still. Growl.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 10 22:25:11 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: Is
More nargy growling, I'm afraid. If you're interested in my life, skip along,
there's nothing to see here. For those of you interested in my lack of life,
on the other hand...
Growl. Having managed to get my Open Transport network abstraction for Mac
PuTTY to the point where I can try building it with the rest of the Mac stuff
and see how it fails to work, I'm let down by my tools. More precisely, I'm
let down by the virtual Macintosh I'm working under; it crashes reliably when
trying to link the final PuTTY executable. Not having a working real Mac to
hand I can't test the theory that Basilisk II (the Mac emulator I'm using) is
faithfully emulating the crash a real Mac would undergo at this point, but I
rather doubt there's anything in that.
I may have to overcome my code-shyness and let Ben's compilers laugh at my
efforts.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 10 22:37:28 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: Is
In my life, on the other hand, it's seeming increasingly likely that Greenend,
the house I've lived in for the past six and a half years, will cease to be
this year. Its owner, my landlord and housemate Steve, is planning on selling
up to release money (which can then be invested in his pub company), so I shall
probably have to move.
It's a prospect I've decidedly mixed feelings about. I've been here since I
came to live in Cambridge after graduating, and it's the first proper home of
my own I've had; I think I'll leave with more than a touch of sadness and
nostalgia. Then, of course, moving will also be a source of stress and hassle,
and it won't be cheap.
On the other hand, I find I'm half looking forward to having a place completely
of my own, and making it mine. As Greenend has become less busy over the
years, I've come rather to like having the house to myself of an evening, and I
find I don't mind being alone at home so much with a social life that enjoys
several evenings a week of company.
Wherever I end up, if I can I shall treat myself to a proper wind-up wall
clock. One that goes `bong'. Yeah.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 13 10:29:45 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: Is
Hmm. The exciting novelty of looking for a place to live has worn off
already. The two cool places round the corner from where I currently live have
both already gone.
Today I was in at 8am for work again. This is not healthy. Even less healthy
is the lack of coffee in the building. My coworker has managed to rustle up
some drip-pot stuff, but it's not the nicest stuff in the world.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 13 17:39:16 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, I've improved my mood a little by arranging to see two other plausible
places, but lowered it by going to see them from the outside beforehand.
Little boxes tucked away in little corners, but maybe that's all I should
expect. Maybe they'll look better when I've seen the inside, by day, when I'm
not feeling so low.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 15 13:59:35 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: House number one
Location: Off Milton Road / Woodhead Drive Walk to work: 15min
2 Bedrooms, L675 pcm
It looks nicer from the outside by day, and even nicer from the inside. It's
in a fairly good state throughout. Both the bedrooms are the same size,
probably a little larger than my current room, and they both have a fair few
power sockets. The bathroom has a shower. The kitchen has a gas cooker and a
fridge-freezer, but no washing maching (although it has a space for one). The
living room is pleasantly large, but there is no dining room. Plenty of
picture hooks. NTL Cable. Storage in the form of a garage and a shed.
Small garden with pond and gnomes.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 16 14:49:53 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: House number two
Location: Carlton Way Walk to work: 25min
3 Bedrooms, L645 pcm
Looks maybe a bit tatty from the front, but inside it's lovely. The kitchen is
large, stretching from the front to the back of the house, and encompasses a
dining area. The lounge on the other side of the house feels a little cramped,
but cunning furniture arrangement could solve that. The bedrooms upstairs are
two smallish ones (ideal as study/library areas) and one large one. Secondary
glazing throughout, burglar alarm. Nice garden with outhouse and shed.
Very tempting.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 16 15:01:49 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: House number three
Location: Arbury Road Walk to work: 25min
3 Bedrooms, L675
It's an inter-war semi, and quite large. Its main fault inside is that it's a
bit shabby and has bare floorboards rather than carpets. It has two largish
bedrooms and one broom cupboard, and (no exception to the bare floorboard style
here) a slightly pokey bathroom. There aren't a lot of power points. The
kitchen has a gas cooker, a fridge freezer, and a washing machine, but the
cupboards are falling to bits and it has one of those big old-fashioned ceramic
sinks. Also rather short of work surfaces. The dining room next to it is a
bit bleak, with dark floorboards. It leads via double doors to a conservatory
and thence to a long thin muddy garden. Only single-glazed.
Verdict: doesn't appeal to me as is, might do with some furnishing work.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jan 18 17:25:08 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: House number four
Location: Kings Hedges Walk to work: 20min
2 Bedrooms, L625
Cute modern mid-terrace house in a pleasant cul-de-sac at the Kings Hedges Road
end of Northfield Avenue. The coolest thing is the metal spiral staircase in
the corner of the living room as you walk in; the living room takes up all of
the ground floor apart from the kitchen, which is small but not tiny. No
dining room, but a table and chairs in the living room at which one could dine.
Two bedrooms, one large, one small, upstairs and a bathroom. Double glazing
throughout stops noise from nearby A14. Patio out the back.
Nice, but I worry about the living room and upstairs being a bit cramped.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jan 21 13:45:44 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: House number five
Location: Mulberry Close Walk to work: 17min
3 Bedrooms, L700
End of a modern terrace, and on three floors, of which the top two are
available; the landlord has his own space on the bottom floor, which means that
the garage and garden aren't available. Its main advantage is that it has huge
quantities of space in the living / dining area, and although it has some weird
furniture (ex-church?) there's enough space that that can be shuffled out of
the way. Two large bedrooms, and one broom cupboard upstairs. Bathroom has no
proper shower. The main disadvantage is that there's no washing machine, and
no place or drainage for one. It could be hacked with the drainage in the
sink, I suppose. The kitchen is tiny, too, with no proper food preparation
space.
So close to ideal, and yet...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 22 14:53:57 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: Is
Bleargh. I seem to have succumbed to an ill tiredness, so I've taken the day
off work in the hope that it will go away. As well as sleeping I've been
frobbing my PowerMac, brought back to networked life last night with Ben's
help, but it won't run the development environment, stating a mysterious
`unknown error' has occurred. Moo.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 24 14:09:59 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: House number six
Location: Alex Wood Road Walk to work: 20min
3 Bedrooms, L700
A bit hard to tell with this one, because it was so cluttered with stuff.
Downstairs it's got a middling-sized living room that looks out on to the
garden, a slightly smaller dining room which looks out to the front patio, and
through that, a generous corridor-shaped kitchen. Double-glazing throughout,
two large-size bedrooms and one broom cupboard upstairs. Separate toilet and
bathroom, which is a bit weird, as is the shower at a height of about 3' from
the bottom of the bath. A surprisingly large landing gives space for more
bookshelves, and the back garden has a patio and a largish lawn.
Nice, but a shame about the bathroom.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 24 19:22:28 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: House number seven
Location: Milton Road Walk to work: 15min
2 bed flat, L685
Looking at this flat because of its location, which is not too far away from
work or other people. It's a good size inside, furnished, and has a good-sized
living/dining room and a huge master bedroom. The second bedroom is plausibly
sized too. Large kitchen, and a bathroom with a shower. Might be worth
enquiring with the letting agency about storing one of the beds; it's a
possibility if that can be done.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 27 14:42:14 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: Is
Argh. This whole house-hunting thing is getting stressful. Maybe that's a
sign that I've got too close to making a decision and become too attached to an
idea of a place to live, and therefore am worrying about its (surmountable)
flaws. I could just bite the bullet, I suppose, but it's an awfully final,
large, and expensive bullet.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 29 11:06:32 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: Is
Starcraft at Greenend last night with Ben and Clare, for the first time in
ages, and what may be the last time. In spite of a catalogue of computery
woes, we managed to have a couple of fun games. I'm very out of practice...
Oh, and having been addicted to `Tetris Worlds' by Gareth at the Gallery, I
bought it for my PC and I've been addicted to it there as well.
Two more houses to see today and then I shall make my decision. Scary
biscuits.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 31 00:01:31 2003]--
From: (S) May I March with April and June? (steph)
Subject: House number eight
Location: Mays Way, Chesterton Walk to work: 15min
3 Bedrooms, L700pcm
It has a large living room, a kitchen with proper plumbing for a washing
machine, a cool writing desk, a garage, two gardens, and a secret passage from
the hall to the kitchen. And a working shower. I shall live here.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 04 12:09:03 2003]--
From: (S) Greenend of an era (steph)
Subject: Is
Woo. After upgrading our mail gateway to Debian 3.0 at the weekend I now have
incoming mail checked for spam and marked with a big bad ****SPAM**** in the
Subject line.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 05 23:08:13 2003]--
From: (S) Greenend of an era (steph)
Subject: Is
Depressed and apparently slightly ill as well. Went to this evening's Creative
Writing class, but found myself largely unable to concentrate as well as
feeling guilty for not having produced a short story for it. I probably
needn't have bothered going, which would have allowed me to be at the Union
Society to help Ian and Clare rescue the CUSFS Library. As it was, though, I
couldn't be there, nobody else was there to help them, so the Library was not
rescued. Further mope.
I say I'm apparently slightly ill because I have the sniffles and a headache.
Hopefully it will be nothing; I have to be at work tomorrow morning to explain
miscellaneous networking concepts and terminology to a bunch of Customer
Service types. (They're officially DBAs, Database Administrators, but that's
just because they've been on the right courses. You don't get to be a DBA
in my book unless you actually A a DB for a serious percentage of your time.)
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 10 10:47:47 2003]--
From: (S) Greenend of an era (steph)
Subject: Was
On Thursday, I went to eat at the Castle, stopped by at New Hall Bar for a bit
of the CUSFS reading, went on to Relativity to say hello to Clare and collect a
pile of boxes, and then went home to find I felt ill. I later lost my dinner,
and took the subsequent day off work because of continuing illness.
It wasn't the ideal day to hear that I could collect the keys to my new house,
but I had just enough energy in the afternoon to do that, so I ventured into
town to get a banker's draft and then took the bus to Longstanton to sign the
paperwork. Hurrah, house, mine (well, OK, not mine, but as mine as I can get).
Subject: Friday evening
Feeling somewhat better so after I'd ventured to the new house to check the
inventory, I wandered over to the Gallery where there was not Buffy. It had
been cancelled in favour of people, but we like people (Michaela, Eleanor,
Alex, Katherine) so that's OK.
Subject: Saturday
I bought a washing machine and a fridge-freezer. Nuff said. In the evening
was Mary's party at the Gallery, which was great fun. I've not got drunk and
had fun at a party for what seems like ages, so hurrah for that.
Subject: Sunday
The Gallery was sleepy and had people, so there was no Who. Instead there was
a game of Cities and Knights before everyone had to go and watch Ross Noble.
Those of us remaining, namely Ben, Simon, and I, went back to Greenend for
food, briefly visited my new house, and then indulged in a little Starcraft for
good measure.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 10 14:57:03 2003]--
From: (S) Greenend of an era (steph)
Subject: Is
Cambridge Water say, on their website: `We will send you a hippo free of
charge. Simple installlation instructions are included.'
Hippo!
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 11 21:15:48 2003]--
From: (S) Greenend of an era (steph)
Subject: Is
I think the moving (or perhaps the lack of moving straight away) is getting to
me. Either that or I'm still slightly ill from last week's stomach bug. I
managed to write a couple of sides of A4 of a story this evening, but I just
can't be bothered to go back to it and continue, or indeed do anything else. I
have a ton of packing to do as well, of course, but that's all a lot of effort
I don't seem to have.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 17 14:57:43 2003]--
From: (S) Greenend of an era (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, er, I've very nearly moved. There are still lots of bits left at
Greenend that I still have to collect, and most of my stuff at the new place is
still in bags and boxes, but I sleep there, and can listen to R4 there, so
that has to count. (Actually, one of the very first things I did on Thursday
was to move in a radio. I have priorities, you see.)
I have lots of people to thank for helping me: Ian, Clare, Ben, Steve, Dan,
Matthew, you're all wonderful for coping with tiredness, illness, panic, me,
and Ikea. Thank you!
Speaking of Ikea, I am now mostly building flat-pack furniture. Two CD towers
and a TV stand down, five bookshelves and a chest of drawers to go. Once I've
got enough space in the living room I can move the sofa in from the garage...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 18 18:09:11 2003]--
From: (S) Flatpackland (steph)
Subject: Is
The nice man from NTL came today and put a strange box under the stairs. It
connects me to the webternet. Now isn't that nice?
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 19 15:45:11 2003]--
From: (S) Flatpackland (steph)
Subject: Is
With the new sofa and chair in place, the living room at home is beginning to
look like a living room rather than a box store. It felt good to play host to
Clare, Ian, and Pete for some `Babylon 5' watching. I've also introduced the
TiVo to the NTL Digital TV box, and it seems to be recording things
successfully from a variety of TV and Radio channels. With luck it will record
`The Archers' for me from now until the end of time. (What it will suggest
based on my liking for things Ambridge and `Stargate SG-1', I do not know. `An
everyday tale of folk with snakes in their heads', perhaps?)
Something is not quite right with the stereo. Although all the speakers seem
to work, the surround sound feels biased to the left. I'm wondering if this is
due to speaker placement or something more subtle and weird.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Feb 21 15:27:24 2003]--
From: (S) Words and pictures (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm nearly at a point where I can start putting books on my shelves, which will
be nice. I miss having all my books around.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 25 10:19:59 2003]--
From: (S) Words and pictures (steph)
Subject: Is
After pizza last night I took advantage of Ross's car to transfer another bunch
of stuff from Greenend to my new house, and then we went to Relativity for the
usual post-pizza gathering. The chief benefit of this from my point of view is
that I managed to fast-track the VPN application procedure so my house is now
connected to the Sinister Greenend Organisation's tentacular mass! Hurrah!
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 26 12:35:08 2003]--
From: (S) Words and pictures (steph)
Subject: Is
PuTTY users are generous in their donations, so the PuTTY team went out to the
Sala Thong for Thai last night. It was really very nice (and as nargy as you
might expect), but for some reason by the time we went back to Simon's I was
absolutely shattered. I'm still feeling very tired today. I wonder why. It's
certainly not for lack of sleep...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 05 15:27:36 2003]--
From: (S) Words and pictures (steph)
Subject: Is
I've not written much in here, but there's not been much to say. I'm still
alive, still going to work, and still slowly getting my new house into shape.
The man from Sainsbury's came yesterday to deliver my shopping, which seemed to
work quite well, although I should have a shopping list that I can add things
to as I remember they're needed. I would have gone with Tesco's, but their web
pages seemed reluctant to work with Mozilla. It's strange when your choice of
supermarket is dictated by your choice of web browser.
I've not been writing very much in general. My creative writing class on
Wednesdays (although I didn't go last week due to feeling too shattered) is now
just an exercise in making me feel guilty for not having done anything, and the
messes that are the computer room and study are sufficient excuses to
procrastinate, it seems.
My anti-depressants ran out a couple of days ago, and I won't see my doctor
until Tuesday to get some more. If I'm absent in body or mind, that'll be why.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar 06 14:13:29 2003]--
From: (S) Words and pictures (steph)
Subject: Is
I have too much to do and too little time to do it in. I need to do TTBA,
write two stories, write a novel proposal, build some flat-pack, tidy my house,
and still have a social life. I'm not sure it's possible :-(
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Mar 07 10:56:52 2003]--
From: (S) Words and pictures (steph)
Subject: Is
CUSFS Cocktails Workshop last night at Relativity. Although there were only a
few people there it was fun enough, with some interesting inventions, most
notably `The Long, Dark, Twiglet Struggle'. The weirdest thing was that the
CUSFS newbie fresher, Helen, develops a lisp when drunk.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 12 23:28:45 2003]--
From: (S) Words and pictures (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, the lack of antidepressants hasn't made me unhappy, confirming once again
that for me at least depression isn't necessarily unhappiness. What it has
been is a distinct lack of motivation, and what the side-effects of withdrawal
have been is nausea.
I've been feeling queasy intermittently since Friday, and although I got some
more pills yesterday it'll take a while for my body to work itself out. I went
into work this morning at 8am to oversee an engineer fitting a tape drive to
one of work's servers, before going straight home because I felt too much like
my brain and stomach were in danger of escaping.
So a day in bed. And another week's worth of the Creative Writing course
missed, but my enthusiasm for that has been on the wane this term.
It would be nice if being off work ill were the skive I criticise myself for...
(That's another thing, actually. It's noticeable how much more I apologise
pointlessly when I'm not on antidepressants.)
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar 13 23:51:16 2003]--
From: (S) Internal Ocean (steph)
Subject: Is
Off today as well. Slightly more active, slightly less queasy, definitely not
up for work. I managed to finish Louise Cooper's `Rip Tide' as well as
watching a documentary about Antonia Byatt's writing.
In the evening I went to the CUSFS Aldiss discussion. It would have gone
better if there had been more than just me there with any knowledge of our
subject author, but that didn't seem to stop us talking about SF for an hour
and a half before wandering off to the pub.
Unfortunately Kate had forgotten that Thursday was live music night at the
Spread Eagle, so conversation was less easy than we might have liked. The
smokers on the table next to us were unusually enthusiastic too... Still, a
pleasant evening. I'm now feeling well enough that I should be able to make it
to work tomorrow. Fingers crossed. I should therefore go and get some sleep.
Good night.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 17 16:37:50 2003]--
From: (S) www.stopwar.org.uk (steph)
Subject: Is
So it appears that British troops are going to commit terrorism as defined by
the Terrorism Act (2000), and invade Iraq. While some may say that as soon as
troops are involved we should support them wholeheartedly, I don't say this. I
say that we should exert every effort we can to continue to make it clear that
this war is not wanted or needed. Even after the first shot is fired, the
opposition to the war should continue.
Even if, as I suspect, it will do no bloody good at all.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Mar 21 14:09:51 2003]--
From: (S) www.stopwar.org.uk (steph)
Subject: Is
Sleepy and useless at work. Don't know why. It's not lack of sleep.
Beginning to put together some wireless infrastructure at home, which is nice.
It'll eventually lead to the networking of my TiVo and the acquisition of a PS2
to run Linux on.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 24 16:48:48 2003]--
From: (S) www.stopwar.org.uk (steph)
Subject: Is
Depressed, I think has to be the conclusion. I've been on a half-dose for a
week or so and I've been sort-of OK except for vague queasiness from time to
time, but I still haven't managed to wake myself up at work. Most of the day
is spent wading through mental mud, just about managing individual small tasks
but not being able to concentrate on anything much larger. It may be connected
to the heat and airlessness of my office, but that won't be fixed until
budgetary constraints allow.
The war, `Gulf War 2' as some are calling it (which seems a bit crass although
it's clearly no more so than `World War 2'), has turned me into a rolling news
junkie. It always happens to me when events are unfolding somewhere. It
happened in 1991 too. My feelings on the war are confused. I'm opposed to the
British Government having sent the troops in, and still think they should pull
them out. I'm supportive of our troops, some of the best in the world, and
while they're there I'm sure they'll represent Britain as well as anyone could
hope. I thought Tim Collins's speech to his troops was particularly good.
Dislike of Saddam Hussein combined with patriotism makes me hope that the
coalition forces will finish this war quickly. On the other hand, my contrary
underdog-supporting nature is quietly cheering that the Iraqis are putting up a
fight, that it's not a complete whitewash. It's silly, I know, and reduces the
whole thing to some sort of sporting event, but you can only help the way you
think, not the way you feel.
I've been catching up on the lives of friends I don't really keep up with by
reading their diaries on LiveJournal. It only serves to remind me how much
there is to keep up with; the soap opera has continued, even if all the
characters are different.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 25 22:06:55 2003]--
From: (S) www.stopwar.org.uk (steph)
Subject: Is
Windows really is abysmal sometimes. The dear thing deletes mount points with
as much relish as it requests reboots, and scatters development environments to
the four winds just to make sure you can't find them all.
Well, I'm going to crack this and get PuTTY building under WinCE. And I'm
going to do it with a large hammer.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 26 09:16:17 2003]--
From: (S) www.stopwar.org.uk (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, I managed to get it to build for the emulator, and it ran, although the
screen only allowed about a quarter of the config box to be seen and I wasn't
able to connect to anything. It was also extremely slow, which I blame on my
clunky PC. I shall have to try building for a real device.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 26 21:52:40 2003]--
From: (S) www.stopwar.org.uk (steph)
Subject: Yay!
I've managed to build and spod from WinCE PuTTY on an HP Jornada 540. It's
very silly, the screen obviously ought to be rotated through ninety degrees,
the config box is too big to fit on the screen at once, and it lacks things you
want in an SSH client such as security. But it works! It's very sweet, in an
utterly useless sort of way.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Mar 31 10:54:26 2003]--
From: (S) www.stopwar.org.uk (steph)
Subject: Is
Catching up again. Friday night was the 37 Milton Road housewarming, even
though the inhabitants (Ben, Jacob, Kirsten, Jon, and Benedict) have lived
there for months. It was full of people I didn't know, and some I'd only heard
of. abs is distressingly normal, considering. Fun, but I left fairly early
because the place was too full of people for my tastes and I was tired.
On Saturday I acquired an iron. You can spend anything between L7 and L150 on
an iron in Comet. I went for L7. I also tried to buy a small box for a vacuum
fluorescent display for my TiVo, but Maplin didn't have anything the right
size, or the right screws to attach the display board. After lending my
support to an anti-war demonstration I stumbled upon in the Market Square, I
went home and moped for a couple of hours while ironing and trying to watch
`Stargate'. In the evening I went to the last Greenend party ever. There were
very many people there, a lot of whom I didn't know, and the place was still
distressingly empty, lacking its former glory. Strange that it's only been six
weeks since I left and it's already stopped feeling like home. Mope sapped my
energy at about midnight, so I bad a quiet farewell to the place and ambled off
home.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Apr 02 12:46:44 2003]--
From: (S) www.stopwar.org.uk (steph)
Subject: Is, of was
He'd offered someone to talk to, and later, he'd insisted we should talk. It
was dark in the room, and I remember candlelight even though it might well not
have been. We talked, and he quoted Yoda at me, and for whatever unfathomable
reason it all helped. It all seemed strange and yet perfectly right. Jazz
played on the stereo.
Now I find myself drowning in a sea of irreconcilables, because I can't seem to
fit the very good things and the very bad things in the same person. I speak
my mind, perhaps clumsily, because my heart is confused and stays silent. It
is still in that room, but the candle has gone out and the jazz has ended.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Apr 09 17:16:37 2003]--
From: (S) www.stopwar.org.uk (steph)
Subject: Is
A day off work ill today. Last night, at about three in the morning, I woke up
feeling queasy and shivery and with a strange lumpy feeling in my throat.
Although some of the queasiness has gone I've still got the strange lump which
makes swallowing slightly uncomfortable. I've also got a headache, but that
could well be because I've been spending the day dozing on the sofa. NHS
Direct's web site suggests that the lumpy feeling is usually caused by anxiety.
Slight cause and effect problem there, though: the only thing I'm anxious about
is feeling ill and having a lump in my throat.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Apr 09 17:17:34 2003]--
From: (S) www.stopwar.org.uk (steph)
Subject: Is
Also, I picked up my laptop with the aim of doing something specific.
Unfortunately I've now forgotten that specific thing. Bah.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Apr 12 01:23:03 2003]--
From: (S) A watcher of hard places (steph)
Subject: Is
It's the end of the week, and that's just as well as I'm rather tired by it.
It's had definite good points -- Thursday's pub gathering and the subsequent
drinks at Relativity were great fun -- but it's also had its low points. On
the personal scale I was ill and on a larger scale I've watched (or perhaps
imagined, since I largely consume audio news) Iraq go to pieces.
In a mysterious twist of fate my computer's tape drive has started working,
just as I was on the point of taking it back to the shop to complain. Most
odd.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Apr 24 16:48:31 2003]--
From: (S) A watcher of hard places (steph)
Subject: Is
Um, went to Eastercon, came back, came back to work. Any more for any more?
I'm currently trying to do as much work as possible on TTBA, the CUSFS
magazine. It really needs to be done by the end of the week, so the fact that
it's nearly eleven pages is encouraging. I still want a story of my own to put
in it but that may not turn out to be possible. We shall see.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Apr 29 16:32:22 2003]--
From: (S) A watcher of hard places (steph)
Subject: Is
How amusing. The Science Fiction Society committee mailing list has just got a
mail, from which this is an excerpt:
> We have recently launched [[www.SOCGUIDE.com]].
>
> This is a new initiative to assist student societies getting sponsorship
> deals. It enables any student society to build an online profile and
> advertise their sponsorship opportunities. This profile can subsequently be
> searched using various criteria by companies looking to sponsor societies.
>
> To review your current profile and add content please visit
> [[www.socguide.com]]. You need to click on "log-in" from the homepage,
> select your university, select your society and then enter the password
> which is initially set to "pass". We strongly recommend that once you have
> logged in you change your password.
Yes, I think changing the password might be a good idea. Better would be to
have some concept of security. Better still not to spam every student society
in the country, but hey, spamming's the in thing, dontcha know?
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 06 11:31:16 2003]--
From: (S) A watcher of hard places (steph)
Subject: Is
I've been watching too much snooker over the past couple of weeks, courtesy of
the World Championships at the Crucible, and my TiVo which ably recorded
daytime sessions while I was at work. Now we've got a gripping final out of
the way, I can get back to having a social life and useful things like that.
That's the theory, anyway; now I've managed to get my writing study
approximately sorted out I may be tempted by the pleasures of the pen instead.
Ah well, it's about time I wrote something.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri May 09 11:59:04 2003]--
From: (S) A watcher of hard places (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm nervous and worried, because I'm teaching next week. Teaching a bunch of
people who can't be assumed to know anything about the internet or Unix (or
even Windows) how to set up and manage a Linux firewall / gateway machine,
while also setting that machine up. It means being customer-facing for five
days, and is scary. I know stuff, but doing it with people there requires that
I know what I know and how I do the things I do. That takes a degree of
preparation and self-analysis that I've not really had the time for. I can
only hope that these customers feel they get their money's worth.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri May 09 14:50:46 2003]--
From: (S) A watcher of hard places (steph)
Subject: Is
We've started to set up the room for the course and I'm now feeling positively
queasy about the whole prospect :-(
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 13 16:44:21 2003]--
From: (S) A watcher of hard places (steph)
Subject: Is
Two days' teaching later, and it's not so bad, even if it's something I'd like
to avoid having to do ever again if I can help it. Unfortunately my boss
mentioned the possibility of my giving further Unix training courses this
lunchtime, and I'm not sure how easy it will be to dissuade him from
volunteering my services for this.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu May 15 15:13:53 2003]--
From: (S) A watcher of hard places (steph)
Subject: Is
The course is over, and the attendees are mostly happy with their new-found
knowledge and their newly configured server. Tomorrow I shall be going down to
their office to install the server and configure it for their network.
After that I shall have a relaxing weekend.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 21 16:48:55 2003]--
From: (S) A watcher of hard places (steph)
Subject: Was
And I did, pretty much. Friday was Buffy at the Gallery, preceded by
computerised Snooker with Gareth on his PS2. Because he's actually moderately
good at snooker in real life, he beat me solidly.
On Saturday I wandered round aimlessly for a bit, bought some frames for the
cool photos I bought from Kate, and wandered home. After a little aimless
pootling I wandered over to LNR and Richard's place for an emergency lack of
party party, which was quietish and fairly relaxing.
Sunday was odd, because the Gallery Whoing has been evicted (possibly only
occasionally) from the Gallery. This meant that we were without Gareth and the
Book of Power (aka the TV Companion, a guide to `Doctor Who' that accompanies
our watchings of the series). Still, Ben borrowed the tape from the Gallery
and it was watched by a small gathering of Ben, Simon, and me at Simon's flat.
(The Gallery's changed over time, particularly recently. It seems somehow less
coherent a household these days, probably as the people living there have
gained more active social and work lives, but I do still miss sitting around
the table of an evening and playing a big Siedler. It doesn't happen nearly as
often these days. Ah, change, don't mind me, I never was good at change...)
Monday was pizza, followed by games at Relativity. Tuesday was me being
useless and mopey and not eating properly.
Wednesday is today, and I plan to go to the Beer Festival.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu May 22 15:20:47 2003]--
From: (S) A watcher of hard places (steph)
Subject: Is
Went to the beer festival last night, which offered an excuse for much
consumption of mild and conversation with Becky, Mobbsy, Kate, and a visiting
Damerell. Good stuff.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 27 12:54:27 2003]--
From: (S) Love's Llamas Lost (steph)
Subject: Is
I have been feeling unusually mopey and tired over the past few days. It's
probably just antidepressants being out-of-sync, but I'd still prefer to be
useful.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 27 21:08:20 2003]--
From: (S) Love's Llamas Lost (steph)
Subject: Is
So useful I shall be. Not at work, where I've been a complete waste of space
today, but at home, where I've sorted several years' worth of bank statements
and fixed the long-standing complaint about the location of the Carlton Arms on
CamMap (http://www.cammap.com/). Yes, I have put your pub a bit closer to
where it is. Never let it be said etc etc.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 27 21:16:31 2003]--
From: (S) Love's Llamas Lost (steph)
Subject: Was
I mysteriously failed to mention one of my new acquisitions in here, namely a
Sony PlayStation 2. I wouldn't have, but it was going for L110, and I reckoned
I'd be hard put to find one cheaper for the next year or so. Its main use so
far has been to play a Snooker game I bought with it, which is kind of fun
because it lets you pretend you're good at snooker when in fact you're totally
hopeless. I showed it to Gareth and it's now letting him pretend he's
brilliant at snooker when in fact he's just a bit good. He bought it and
started beating me :-/.
The other thing I bought the PS2 for was Linux. You can run Linux on these
things, by dint of buying a Linux kit from Sony. However, these cost L200 for
a keyboard, mouse, hard drive, network adapter, and the boot DVDs, and I
already have all of the above (or equivalents) except for the boot DVDs without
which you can't run a thing. The trouble is, it's nigh-on impossible to buy
the boot DVDs without buying the rest of the kit. I'm quite happy to pay Sony
a few tens of pounds for the DVDs, but I don't see why I should pay for things
I've already got. The alternative to getting the DVDs is getting the PS2
chipped and copying someone else's Linux boot disc, but I'd rather not do that
if I can avoid it, and surely Sony would rather I didn't too. So far, though,
they've ignored all my attempts at communication.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 28 11:03:44 2003]--
From: (S) Love's Llamas Lost (steph)
Subject: Is
Off work today, because when I woke up I had a head full of porridge, and I
figured that if I were sat at my desk at work feeling like this I wouldn't get
much done. Better to get sleep and let paracetamol and throat sweets do their
bit.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri May 30 12:07:53 2003]--
From: (S) Love's Llamas Lost (steph)
Subject: Is
PuTTY CuRRY meet last night, to celebrate five years of this little software
program. I can't quite work out how I got involved in it; it just sort of
happened, perhaps as a result of my wanting to do the Windows Alpha nightlies.
I'm glad I did, though. It's one of the things I do that actually feels
worthwhile, that feels like it might make anyone's life better.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 02 00:40:18 2003]--
From: (S) Love's Llamas Lost (steph)
Subject: Is
Spoilers for `24' on BBC Three:
Lnetu, fb gurl'ir qbar gur bar guvat V qvqa'g guvax gurl'q or noyr gb qb naq
urapr gur bar guvat V jnfa'g rkcrpgvat, anzryl rkcybqvat gur obzo. Gur erfhyg
unf gb or bar bs gur zbfg tevccvat rcvfbqrf bs `24' gb qngr. Fb sne gur cnpr
bs guvf frevrf unf orra zhpu orggre whqtrq guna gur svefg frevrf jnf, ohg jvyy
guvf pbagvahr? Jung unccraf va gur rvtug be avar ubhef _nsgre_ gur ahxr'f tbar
bss?
And what is Kim Bauer for anyway?
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 07 22:04:52 2003]--
From: (S) Love's Llamas Lost (steph)
Subject: Is
Simon came round last night for several reasons. Firstly to lend me his
PlayStation 2 SCART lead so that we could see if it really was better than
mine. Having determined that it was and that I should buy a better one, we
moved on to the second objective, namely to check that my PS2 could play DVDs,
on the way to objective three, namely watching his DVD copy of `Casablanca'.
This is where it all falls down a little. I stuck the DVD in, and it came out
in a glorious shade of green. Check cables, but the PS2 itself is happy to
display colours, it's the _DVD player_ that is mysteriously and gratuitously
displaying green. On a hunch, I switch to a composite video cable, and out
comes the picture in colour. (Well, black and white, but the menus were in
colour; the original certainly didn't make extensive use of the colour green.)
Most mysterious. It turns out that the DVD player software on the PS2
deliberately makes the RGB SCART output green to stop you extracting a high
quality image from the DVD. Erm. Isn't DVD supposed to be high quality?
Isn't disabling the ability to get high quality out of it rather missing the
point? This turns out to be yet another reason to get the thing modchipped.
So anyway, Simon and I watched the first 75 minutes or so of `Casablanca' with
a composite video cable, and then suddenly, just as she was going all wibbly in
Rick's back room, Ilsa froze and the PS2 reported `Disc could not be read'.
Investigating, Simon found two flaws and scratches on the DVD, and polishing
didn't improve matters. Slightly irritated at this collapse of modern
technology, we watched the rest of the film on my VHS copy.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 09 14:16:14 2003]--
From: (S) Love's Llamas Lost (steph)
Subject: Thoughts
Passing the sounds of chainsawing on the way back to work, I was led to wonder
why the van associated with these sounds was labelled `Tree Surgeon'. I used
to think that tree surgeons were benevolent people who did clever things to
trees to make them happy and well, but now it seems that the term is a
euphemism for someone who cuts down or severely maims trees without obvious
regard for their well-being.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 09 21:46:21 2003]--
From: (S) Love's Llamas Lost (steph)
Subject: Is
It seems, recently, that departures from the normal are leaving me with lots of
time on my hands in which to be bored and/or depressed. Yesterday the lack of
the usual Gallery `Doctor Who' left me with a Sunday afternoon to rattle in,
and this evening an unexpected evaporation of post-pizza into a spontaneous
punting expedition has left me with a Monday evening free.
(I'm not sure why I didn't want to join the punting trip. I think in part
it's because it defeated my expectation of an evening sitting around nattering
over a glass or two of port, perhaps playing a game. Given my loneliness now I
think I ought to have gone along in spite of the fact that I didn't
particularly feel like punting.)
My life feels like a bit of a humdrum mess at the moment.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 11 11:10:10 2003]--
From: (S) Love's Llamas Lost (steph)
Subject: Is
I've decided that I don't have enough material to make a TTBA (Science Fiction
Society magazine) this term, so that's one small weight off my mind this week.
The next problem is working out what to do about something plausible to wear
for the Veizla on Saturday evening.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jun 12 10:22:40 2003]--
From: (S) Love's Llamas Lost (steph)
Subject: Is
Today, Laser-Scan Limited was placed into administration, and as a result a
number of staff, including me, have been made redundant. Since the company is
in administration there's no notice period or pay for it, but I may be able to
claim something off the government.
It hasn't quite sunk in yet. I've been there for six and a half years. It's
been the only job I've had. It's over. Good grief.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 14 23:30:08 2003]--
From: (S) Enigmatic, Phlegmatic, Apocalyptic (steph)
Subject: Is
A good Veizla. An opportunity to get drunk and laugh without any unhappiness
or depression to get in the way. An aftermath with people but a feeling of
asideness, being apart from it all.
No worlds have ended, no truths have been falsified, but to this part of life,
as to all things, there is an end. As with nearly all things, it is reflected
here.
END OF PART FOUR