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Steph's Diary
(Three)
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 04 10:10:51 1998]--
From: (S) Cannon (ickle) (steph)
Subject: Is
There can be little quite so worrying to someone whose career is computers as
finding, almost overnight, that you have developed pains in your wrists. On
Saturday evening I thought little of it, imagined it would go away, and went to
bed. On Sunday I became vaguely worried, and resolved to see a doctor. It was
on Monday evening, when I got back to GreenEnd, that things got bad. The pain
had got worse through the day, such that I could do nothing to relax without
pain. That, more than any concerns about my job, was absolutely terrifying.
Things have been on and off since. I've fiddled with my work environment,
acquired a wrist rest, played with using a trackball instead of a mouse, and so
on. It won't be until I see a doctor on Monday that I'll stand a chance of
knowing properly what the problem actually is. Fingers crosed, eh?
And so starts Part Three of this diary...
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 04 17:20:08 1998]--
From: (S) Cannon (ickle) (steph)
Subject: Is
It's been a trying day. I've acquired a wrist rest, which is damned
uncomfortable and hard to get used to, and also means there's no room for the
large trackball box on my desk any more. And I keep trying to do work (or not
to do work) and finding that it hurts, or is tiring, and it's all very
dispiriting.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 06 22:17:16 1998]--
From: (S) Cannon (ickle) (steph)
Subject: Was
My wrists still hurt, but I am determined to write this diary; I'm not going to
give in that easily. Friday evening could have been spent at Maria's ice-cream
party but for a lot of reasons I was glad I didn't do that. Instead I went with
Ben, Clare, and Jacob for pizza, and due to an error on the part of the
waitress, we ate enough garlic bread to feed a small patio for life. There was
also pizza with pineapple, which I count as a good thing even if not everybody
else agrees with me. We ended up at Ben's later, and read randomly from
dictionaries and atlases.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 06 22:24:39 1998]--
From: (S) Cannon (ickle) (steph)
Subject: Saturday
Clare and I had agreed the previous night that we would send a message to the
other one as soon as we woke up, the better to organise getting to London. I
woke up at somewhere around eleven, as did Clare, so between us we neatly
caught a Simon and arranged to meet at the station.
Barring wrists and hands hurting _for_no_reason_at_all_ at various points, it
was a good shopping trip. Camden saw mass acquisition of T-shirts, CDs, and
Other Things by various members of the party, Kensington saw less (but had the
distinct advantage of being warm), and Hamley's, no matter what anyone might
say, is still wonderful. An owl, now called Euler, jumped into my arms in the
fluffy toy department, and I engaged in some completely frivolous poultry
funtation.
On returning to Cambridge, we Gardiesed with Ben and sat in Clare's room eating
chips. Later, there was quiet conversation, mostly nargy, by moon- and
candle-light.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 06 22:43:11 1998]--
From: (S) Cannon (ickle) (steph)
Subject: Is
A bad day. I vaguely woke up early, and drifted in and out of The Archers
before getting up. I then tried to do some of my normal things, like reading
for an hour; that hurt, so I stopped and discarded in turn all the things I
would normally do until I'd run out, at which point I felt almost like crying
and flopped on the sofa to listen to Alice Cooper.
It was probably just as well that Clare was around when I (briefly) logged on
here, because were it not for that offer of shopping, I'd've probably spent the
rest of the day moping. As it was we had a fairly cheering wander around the
shops looking for Christmas presents for people, and buying fudge for
ourselves. A search for Ben then took us to the PHXUA, and a search for food
thence to Queens'. He left after that to do some work, seemingly quite stressed
and unhappy, which I wish I had felt able to do something about...
The remainder visited Jon Jarrett and I felt really rather uncomfortable in a
group of people gathered there to drink beer and listen to loud music for some
reason. Given the usual Sunday evening's gathering in the Maypole was going to
be happening anyway, I left for there.
There was nobody there, however. I nursed a solitary pint for three-quarters of
an hour or so, reading a book I'd bought on the afternoon's shopping trip, and
then gave up and returned to the previous gathering, where there was at least
company and a Clare prepared to hug me.
It's all feeling rather low, you see. The wrist problems, which are returning
as I type this sentence, seem to be all I can think about too much of the time,
and seem to stop me doing what I want to too much of the time. Dreams are
rather kinder, so I'll go there.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Dec 07 14:37:13 1998]--
From: (S) Cannon (ickle) (steph)
Subject: Was
It turns out that Simon and James had decided to sleep rather than go to the
pub, but obviously couldn't contact me because I wasn't at home. So... fair
enough. Means I missed something I usually enjoy quite a bit, though.
Hands starting to hurt. Must stop spodding.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Dec 09 09:21:15 1998]--
From: (S) Cannon (ickle) (steph)
Subject: Was
A pleasant evening last night of tidying Ben's room, and then playing Mao at
the Gallery. Quite fun, and it brought a die marked with chess pieces and a
pack of Tarot cards into the game.
Yesterday saw one of my more considerable panics about my wrists, arising from
the fact that there isn't obviously a lot I can do at work when I'm not working
(when typing is painful). Some good arose from it, though, and I arranged a
physiotherapy appointment for today, as well as `airing my concerns' to my
boss.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 11 20:09:54 1998]--
From: (S) Cannon (ickle) (steph)
Subject: Is
On Wednesday my wrists went boom and I panicked. Lots. I phoned everyone I
could think of and ended up at Gilbert Road where people were sympathetic and
had one piece of advice: stop typing. On Thursday I almost didn't type at all;
I tried a password and on the basis that eight characters were too painful I
took the rest of the year off work. I'm managing to type this through a bit of
special hardware speech recognition I'm borrowing. I shall have to come up with
a software solution since it goes home on Sunday. In the meantime, don't expect
too much to get written in here.
With any luck we should be much better by 1999.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Dec 14 16:48:42 1998]--
From: (S) Cannon (ickle) (steph)
Subject: Is
Well I now have the software dictation I wanted and I can drive it to some
extent; well enough to make diary entries here at least. It is very slow and
an excellent deterrent--if the pain of RSI weren't enough there's the
positive agony of having to drive a computer by voice--to anyone who's thinking
of typing regardless of slight pains in their hands or wrists.
in the meantime I hope my wrists are healing and that I should be with you
properly again come the new year.*hugs*to you all and if if I don't get another
chance, have a happy Christmas and all that.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 20 15:11:28 1998]--
From: (S) Cannon (ickle) (steph)
Subject: Is
Nearly time for Christmas, then. It doesn't feel particularly special though:
more sort of hollow. I remember when Christmas used to be something really
magical, back when I was young, and in a lot of ways I miss that. It's as if
I've left the part of life where Christmas is the wonderful time of year it's
supposed to be and am now in this strange hiatus-time where I'm waiting for it
to become special again, with children around who aren't me.
Oh well, eh? I probably won't make another edit in this diary before the New
Year now so I'll wish you all a good time and be back in 1999, hopefully with
my ability to type restored to its former glory.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Dec 30 15:02:32 1998]--
From: (S) Cannon (ickle) (steph)
Subject: Is
I actually had quite a good Christmas with my parents; my brother was working
in a pub in Islington over Christmas Day itself but he visited for a couple of
days at the end of the time I was there. It was excellent to see him for the
first time since last year, and probably for the last time before next
Christmas.
As for presents, I got a good crop of fun things: a photo-mosaic jigsaw,
several books, lots of chocolate, and a wonderfully warm coat.
Back in Cambridge now, and it was good to find people in at the gallery in the
evening because otherwise I might well have become rather lonely here at home
on my own.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Dec 30 15:35:48 1998]--
From: (S) Cannon (ickle) (steph)
Subject: Is
I feel I ought to do some sort of review of the year; it's sort of traditional
and the way 1998 has been would make it rather more imperative than usual that
I set down in some way what has happened, what has changed over the past 12
months. However I'm still not typing, and I find that although speaking to my
computer is working a lot better these days I still am not comfortable with
writing large volumes of text this way. So I shall write a small volume of
text :-)
It has been a long year. It has been a year which has passed so quickly it
surprised me. Somehow I find it hard to believe that it has only been 12
months since the time when all this was just shadows on the horizon. Through a
lot of changes, an awful lot of self-examination, lots of friendship, and the
assistance of the medical profession I've come through it. I'm stronger now, I
think, even with my hands and wrists giving me plenty of cause to worry, so it
isn't completely destroying me; not so many moons ago I don't know how I would
have reacted.
I'm sorry that doesn't make more sense than it does; I find it very hard to
formulate "significant" thoughts when I have to say each word individually, and
when it isn't nearly as easy to edit things as it is with a keyboard. Oh well,
that's what my 1998 was, anyway. I doubt 1999 will be as bad, and I hope it
will be better. That's all I can do, really.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 01 18:59:56 1999]--
From: (S) Three silly bulls (steph)
Subject: Is
It was the beginning of the earth year 1999, and Babylon 5 was at an end.
After five years of story the science-fiction television series which has
formed a backdrop to over five years of my life has ended and it feels rather
strange. It will sound odd, no doubt, if I say that in some of the darker
times those years have seen I promised myself that I would stick around until
the end of the series, but that is the sort of odd thinking I indulge in when I
am depressed. I'm fine now, by and large, so there's nothing to worry about
but it's still strange; I find myself wondering what I'm going to have in the
background for the next five years, and not least what I'm going to be
blathering about in conversation to baffle friends...
I suppose there's always B5 Crusaders to look forward to, although who knows
what that will be like?
I spent the afternoon watching "Prince of Egypt", a new animated film about
Moses, and it's well worth seeing; the parting of the Red Sea is absolutely
breathtaking.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 04 15:11:22 1999]--
From: (S) Three silly bulls (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm typing again, but after over three weeks of virtually no typing at all, I'm
still at the `can do a little before it hurts' stage. This is depressing.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jan 09 12:43:17 1999]--
From: (S) healing hands (steph)
Subject: Is
It's strange to note that this diary gets readers even when I'm not adding to
it; I suppose it's that there are a large number of people who have recently
been on holiday and who are just getting back to Monochrome after their
Christmas break. Just for them, here's the news: I'm dictating again. I got
rather too enthusiastic with the keyboard when I was given the up-beat analysis
by the physiotherapist so things have been a little worse since. However, work
have made positive noises about being supportive towards me so things are a
little less worrisome on that front, and I've managed to move DragonDictate to
my own computer rather than Steve's.
Not much more to say really; my life isn't being very interesting at the
moment...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 11 10:52:11 1999]--
From: (S) healing hands (steph)
Subject: Is
It snowed last night, briefly, and I remembered lots of things. Somehow it was
a reminder of lots of things, the lost and found of my life, of the way things
change, and the way things stay the same. Cause to reflect on all the beauty
that's around me and smile quietly.
So now it snows on my monitor here at work, and I am happy.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 13 15:17:59 1999]--
From: (S) healing hands (steph)
Subject: Will Be
fred 'It's the end of the world as we know it.'
jane 'What is?'
fred 'Armageddon, but that's not a portent right now.'
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 18 00:13:38 1999]--
From: (S) healing hands (steph)
Subject: Is
It's been a while since I last wrote anything in here but that's the usual
combination of my not having the wrists to type anything with and of there not
being a great deal to write. Last week was fairly null as such things go; I
spent rather more time than I would like on my own here at home, mainly sorting
things out so I would be ready to move back up to my old room, and life has
been otherwise really quite tedious.
Fun things that most come to mind are shopping with Clare on Saturday and the
subsequent party at Richard's. Oh, and Christi has moved in and this can be
counted as a good thing too.
Elsewhere (as one might say), and things are remarkably quiet. I've had vague
feelings of things happening around me but nothing has seemed particularly
worrying or of importance. No idea why. Maybe I'm just feeling calm at the
moment, which can be no bad thing. While all others are losing their heads and
so on...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jan 19 20:50:44 1999]--
From: (S) logic dictates (steph)
Subject: Is
Watch the shape of the cheese multiply and go strange at the edges of the
windowsill. Believe in the security light because the security light is your
friend. Don't be afraid, don't be alarmed, this is all perfectly normal. This
is the shape of the future. This is Eternity.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 22 22:28:17 1999]--
From: (S) logic dictates (steph)
Subject: Is
Another week, another set of work stories, but to be frank there's not really
anything of great interest been going on at work for me; the most fun thing has
been very little (if anything) to do with work at all, being my playing with
getting automated nightly builds of anakin's PuTTY for Alpha NT. As of the end
of today, it was probably working, though I won't find that out until tomorrow
morning when, cron jobs having cronned and mmakes having nmoke, I should get a
new putty.exe.
Most of the other fun and games at work has involved getting an unattended,
standardised, Windows NT installation off the ground. It's been fun in the same
sort of deeply frustrating way the Solaris JumpStart setup was when I did that,
but with this it's my boss driving the effort, and so I don't feel nearly as
much that I have something to prove.
On the wrists front, things are definitely improving. I had what will be the
last physiotherapy session (at least of the current batch) on Tuesday, and the
very unwieldy wrist braces I'm doing most of my typing with (although not
this!) seem to be doing beneficial things, too. With luck, self-restraint,
ibuprofen, and the help of Dragon at home, which is working better and better
now I don't need it as much, there's an end in sight where I can type
completely without worry or pain.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jan 23 11:05:38 1999]--
From: (S) logic dictates (steph)
Subject: Was
Oh good. That'll be a new putty.exe, then. Pity Internet Explorer seems not
to want to contact the host it's been uploaded to, but since I can verify that
the file actually is there I'll put it down to a random glitch and be happy
that this whole bodge appears to have worked.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jan 24 15:25:08 1999]--
From: (S) logic dictates (steph)
Subject: Was
Saturday was a good day. With a relatively early start for me, I got a fair
amount of useful shopping done in the morning. Nothing terribly interesting
but useful nonetheless. Interesting highlights there were, however, namely
bumping into Dickon and Jenny outside the post office, and later meeting Mark
Wainwright and thus being invited in for a nice cup of tea.
I didn't get desks or curtains sorted however, which was a slight annoyance
since that was probably the main purpose of the day. Hey ho.
After visiting Ben (and thus discovering that he had been ill the previous
evening, just as Jacob had) and accompanying Clare on a visit to Sainsburys to
buy porridge, there was a Gardies meet, and after that Simon, Gareth, Alison,
and I went to Emily's party. It was fun, probably the most fun party I've been
at for several months, and featured pass the parcel, jelly and ice-cream, and a
search for words which rhymed with -ite.
It was also pleasantly small compared with many parties and so I didn't feel
horribly crowded as I often have in the past. Which has to be a good thing.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 25 16:47:27 1999]--
From: (S) logic dictates (steph)
Subject: Is
Aha! New pointy sticks have arrived for my Psion. Joy. Rapture.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 27 11:22:19 1999]--
From: (S) logic dictates (steph)
Subject: Was
I didn't feel much like human last night, for some reason. A day's worth of
being fed up with my hands hurting and with Windows NT AT not doing what I
wanted had sapped my enthusiasm to the point that I just didn't feel up to the
Calling, so I went home and set about doing The Jigsaw. The Jigsaw, in case you
don't know, is a 1000 piece photomosaic picture of one of those ovoid aliens,
which I'll get out every now and then and do a bit more of. I now have the
whole border done, and am setting out on the eyes, which are mostly black and
therefore distinguishable from the vast sea of beige that is the rest of the
alien's head.
When I went to sleep lter, I dreamed that I had found an extra edge piece...
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 29 10:30:57 1999]--
From: (S) brace yourself (steph)
Subject: Ooh
That'll be a pay rise, then...
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jan 31 18:28:16 1999]--
From: (S) brace yourself (steph)
Subject: Wake
Source: <MLYYI> "Faves : Ceb"
> Subject: Is
>
> I want a Jomsviking soul. A nice, new, orange one :-)
Well, it may have taken a year, but I can make things happen. Eventually...
A good Wake, and a good winding up of the sun afterwards, with more souls than
have been seen these past few years thanks to the nice people at A.E.Clothier.
Lots of silly games involving beads, a very pretty set of runes, and the
company of friends. What more could one want? (Except sleep...)
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 01 22:20:28 1999]--
From: (S) brace yourself (steph)
Subject: Is
This was, I suppose, to be expected; my wrists have been particularly bad today
and it's had a knock-on effect on my mood. I couldn't really be bothered to go
to pizza so I stayed around here at home and did very little for a while.
Later I did get some of The Jigsaw done, which is something. I have about
three quarters of a pair of eyes.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 04 16:11:04 1999]--
From: (S) brace yourself (steph)
Subject: Is
steph 'man sh is your friend.'
user 'No, no, you are my friend.'
steph 'Ah, but man sh has more time than me'
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 04 18:51:41 1999]--
From: (S) Melon-Cauli (steph)
Subject: Was
Tuesday and Wednesday were both good with respect to their evenings, even if
not necessarily to their daytimes. Tuesday evening saw me go with Jacob and
Clare to see `Enemy of the State' at the Warner cinema. A good film, and a very
silly one, replete with conspiracies and daft technology. Wednesday evening
started with food at Corpus, and then became shopping with Clare, Ben, and
Brian. Shopping with Brian is, um, an experience :-).
Later there was the Computer Society meeting, with Bob Dowling talking about
how he hates GUIs, not to mention why he thinks that they are a Bad Thing for
system administration. To a lot of the audience he was preaching to the
converted, but there were also some interesting and more `philosophical' points
made about the effect of GUIs (and the GUI culture) on computer users...
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 07 00:35:04 1999]--
From: (S) Melon-Cauli (steph)
Subject: Is
"We all get unhappy sometimes." Perhaps so, but my personality's depressive
streak is too wide for me ever to get `just unhappy'. When I feel randomly
down, it's as if there's no point to anything or energy for anything, as if
everything is darkness and hopeless. There has been worse, of course, but
that's a rare thing. This afternoon could have been described as a search for a
hug, for some affection that would make me feel better, because that was
essentially what it was. It was also a case-study in how unhappiness
(depression, call it what you will) feeds back into itself, as I became more
and more downhearted the more times I tried to find people.
Yes, I found people later, and yes, it helped a little, and while we were
comparing Staples catalogues (yes, really) in Alison's room I was cheerful once
more. But friends aren't always there when you need them (if you're me) because
you need them when they've gone home or off to bed, in the middle of the night.
That's just the way it is, and I should nevertheless thank Ben, Clare, Alison,
and Gareth for being this evening.
And why so sad? That's the mystery. Perhaps it's the recent flare-up in my
eczema or my RSI (and I am typing this, despite my better judgement, because I
wanted to say something and Dragon was being just too uncooperative, never mind
awkward to write a fairly personal chunk of text with in company), both of
which make me feel low and useless, and which make work a much less pleasant
prospect. Or maybe we all do just get unhappy sometimes.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 07 15:01:58 1999]--
From: (S) Melon-Cauli (steph)
Subject: Is
Feeling better today, thank Whoever. Also now equipped with curtain technology
and desk technology...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 08 15:20:59 1999]--
From: (S) Melon-Cauli (steph)
Subject: Ow. Wrists.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Feb 10 20:40:57 1999]--
From: (S) Hazel for Miss Rose (steph)
Subject: Is
I decided to spend an evening in, banking on finding something fun to do (and
possibly being visited, but that wasn't _necessary_). I've ended up getting
frustrated with computers in general and with YP and DragonDictate in
particular. (To be fair, it's probably PuTTY's fault rather than Dragon's, for
eating all of Win95's resources, though I've no idea how I find out if this
_is_ what happened to cause Dragon to say `I can't cope'.)
But things are fairly naff in general. My wrists are aching more than I'd like,
and my skin is worse now than I remember it having been for ages, so my health
could be said to be up the spout. My bedroom is cold by design, the
redecoration having removed its one source of heating, and lack of effort on my
part and on that of Steve's means that all my stuff is piled in a corner since
I have no shelves or desk. No sink either, for that matter, since the plumber
who was called to fit it never turned up.
Since work is mangled by the health problems, about the only thing that isn't
completely screwy is my personal life, but I'm finding mustering the energy to
enjoy _that_ properly somewhat difficult at the moment, too.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 11 16:45:15 1999]--
From: (S) Hazel for Miss Rose (steph)
Subject: Is
Debian, the Linux distribution of choice, is looking for a new logo and they've
asked the GIMP folks to have a competition to design a logo. That's great; it's
good publicity, gets people thinking about Debian, and is a Generally Good
Thing. Except that I really rather liked the old stylised penguin, and far too
many of the current GIMP submissions are just so completely cuddly-penguin
obsessive that it dulls the mind. The rest (with one or two exceptions, I'll
admit) are the word `Debian' in a variety of pretty fonts.
Hey ho. I think I shall have to adopt the old Debian logo. After all, nobody
else seems to love the poor fellow...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 11 23:56:36 1999]--
From: (S) Hazel for Miss Rose (steph)
Subject: Is
I shall definitely have to cuddle the poor thing. Described this evening as
`horrible' and something that `everybody hates', I feel the Debian Penguin
needs hugging. Especially since the discussion of alternatives seemed to veer
towards the stellated-polyhedra-and-herring end of sanity.
Subject: Was
Ben's bought a Kensington trackball, and it's very lovely. The ball's perhaps a
little light for my taste (the buttonbox thing I have at work has something
rather heavier than a snooker ball in it), but I think it's nevertheless a
wonderful thing which I shall have to buy one of. Once I've got a desk to put
it on, anyway. I left Ben and Clare playing Sim City in C7 and moved onwards to
a slightly subdued but nevertheless good-natured CUSFS evening in New Hall.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 11 23:59:31 1999]--
From: (S) Hazel for Miss Rose (steph)
Subject: Voices in the darkness
steph 'Something is dying.'
steph 'Don't be so sure. We all get unhappy sometimes.'
steph 'All good things must come to an end.'
steph 'All's well that ends well.'
steph 'But it isn't ending well, is it? That's rather the point.
Something is dying, and we are all just voices in the darkness.'
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Feb 13 18:08:32 1999]--
From: (S) Hazel for Miss Rose (steph)
Subject: Sad news
I was woken today by a phone call from my mother, telling me that the family
cat, Shiny, had died. At sixten years old, she was quite an old lady for the
cat world, but was nevertheless active until her last day. She had a good life.
I'll miss her.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 15 10:08:43 1999]--
From: (S) Hazel for Miss Rose (steph)
Subject: Weekend
Following that sad start, though, it was a good weekend. After doing nothing in
particular at home for a while, I meandered into town to find Ben and Clare for
a mini-Gardiesmeet. Mini, since with most of the usual Gardies people at the
Gallery before James's video evening, we were the only ones.
After some faff and dither people ended up at the Gallery, and it was a good
evening. `Interview with the Vampire' and `Twelve Monkeys' were both films I'd
not seen before, and both quite good fun, though if I had to choose I'd say I
preferred the latter to Interview; weird SF is far more to my taste than
vampirism, and involves a lot less blood. If only vampires weren't such messy
eaters...
Sunday started as Sundays usually do, with me listening to The Archers omnibus.
I can't unfortunately remember a great deal of this week's, but I got the
general idea of what happened this week, which is what matters. Things were
much better in the days before James Boyle reorganised Radio 4 and I could
follow the programme in my lunch hour, but such is life. Later there was `Just
a Minute', and I spent the afternoon playing with my NT installation at home,
in particular learning how to do useful things like frob the Registry and Event
Log from Perl-Win32. Then Steve appeared and said we'd been invited to his
sister's (in Swavesey) for Sunday dinner, so we did that, and jolly nice it was
too.
Once back in Cambridge, I went to the Maypole for the usual Sunday evening
gathering, and found a completely unusual set of people there. Mike, Claire,
Yasmin, Chris, and I nabbed the tall central table and had a generally pleasant
evening.
Oh, and Sunday was St. Valentine's day, which I kept forgetting, rather to my
(pleasant) surprise.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 15 15:32:12 1999]--
From: (S) Hazel for Miss Rose (steph)
Subject: Was
I also forgot to mention that I decided to catch the bus on my way back from
the centre of town on Sunday evening, since the stop was on my way and I was
there at roughly the right time.
I uncaught it when it broke down ten metres down the road. (But got my 95p
back, and didn't really mind walking home, so it was just a vaguely amusing
incident...)
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Feb 15 23:49:09 1999]--
From: (S) Hazel for Miss Rose (steph)
Subject: Is
An evening's silly games playing at Relativity including Great Game of Britain
and a couple of rounds of whist was a good way to end off today, whose
afternoon saw me unable to concentrate on computer screens in the afternoon due
to flashy lights in my right eye.
Pipex replaced our router, too, but my Monochrome session didn't seem to
notice. I wonder if the rest of the building would have, if I hadn't told them.
We like IP.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Feb 18 13:01:12 1999]--
From: (S) Hazel for Miss Rose (steph)
Subject: Was
Tuesday evening was going to be quite a nothing evening; I was unlikely to go
to WuS (much though I had been thinking of it), and quite likely to end up at
home doing not a great deal with Macintosh emulators and Perl-Win32. Yasmin
invited people round to Homerton for pancakes, though, so there was a fair
amount of that, followed by a small gathering in Yasmin's room as we watched
her screensaver generate rather silly headlines...
Last night hit a patch of bleakness after tea, but then Richard invited people
round for cake and tea, and so Jacob and I ended up at his for an evening of
mostly random nargery. There was some discussion on what the song `Baker
Street' sounded like until we found an MP3 of it on the web, but even I don't
think it's a particularly good name for his whistle-recognizer project now,
even though that was the original reason the whole thing came up.
Whatever, it improved my mood a lot.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 21 13:04:23 1999]--
From: (S) Jesus wants me for a Linux Penguin (steph)
Subject: Was, of Was
It was a bit of a surprise to me that I managed to leave day alif+365 unmarked
in this diary. Normally I'm such a one for marking anniversaries and dates of
events long past that I'd be bound to remember such a thing, but I forgot.
Hardly a great problem.
So, one year, eh? It hardly seems so long. I'm happier, it seems, and given
my happiness was really the aim of the whole thing, the year could be
considered a success. A little over a year ago I wrote that I was waiting for
the stars to come out. In their own way, they have.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 23 11:19:02 1999]--
From: (S) Jesus wants me for a Linux Penguin (steph)
Subject: Weekend
I'm getting behind, so I'll just say FridayGallerying`IfIRuledTheWorld'`TheYo
ungOnes'Rubik'scubeSaturdayGardiesing`TheFisherKing'attheGallerymorecubesSund
ayWinsockprogrammingpubwithSimonRichardandBeckyandMaosomewherealongthewaywith
MacPuTTY.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 23 11:34:57 1999]--
From: (S) Jesus wants me for a Linux Penguin (steph)
Subject: Was
Monday evenings are usually pizza, but usually geek pizza. Yesterday was spod
pizza, arranged roughly on the spur of the moment by Clare for 7pm outside the
square Pizza Hut. This was a Good Thing, since it allowed me to go home first
and install the CalliGrapher software I'd bought earlier in the day on my
Psion. I've put a review in Psiontifical, but put briefly it's handwriting
recognition software for the Series 5 and is good but not wonderful.
Pizza was fun, filling, and followed by faff in Ben's room with various
Macintoshy things, including the (to my eyes) impressive progress of the Mac
port of PuTTY.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 23 14:20:52 1999]--
From: (S) Jesus wants me for a Linux Penguin (steph)
Subject: Is
I worry quite easily. My computer was making strange noises this morning, so I
turned it off before coming to work. I turned it on again over lunch, and as
all seems still to be alive, I've left it backing up its disks. Unfortunately,
I've now got images of exploding PCs and houses on fire going through my head
:-(
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Feb 23 15:56:11 1999]--
From: (S) durable and easy to clean (steph)
Subject: Teletubbies
As if that wasn't enough for one day, Microsoft have got their grubby little
mitts on the Teletubbies, and have applied the Barney Protocol (`Actimates', or
whatever it is) to them. And if _that_ isn't disturbing enough for you, you
should read some of their advertising:
`Squeeze their HANDS and FEET to play Games.'
and more worryingly:
`She's durable and easy to clean - perfect for big hugs.'
Eek.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 28 11:47:39 1999]--
From: (S) durable and easy to clean (steph)
Subject: Was, and Slimelight
It is too long since I have been to Slimelight, and perhaps when I discovered
that there was a trip to the place I might have decided to go, but something
stopped me. In amongst all the excuses -- complaints that it might have
changed, or that it ate my weekend completely, or that I might miss The Archers
-- there was really just a fear. It's a place I have a great respect for, and
which I like a lot more than I often show, but it's a place which can bring me
down if I'm not careful, too.
The place has a lot of personal history for me, from the very happy to the
utterly depressed, and I always have to weigh that against who's going, how I'm
feeling, and so on before I decide to go.
Those of you who've been there with me will know that I've always seemed
dubious about the whole exercise beforehand, even though I've enjoyed it when
I've been there (and if I hadn't been there, some of the very good things that
the place has done for me would never have happened), and I probably would have
decided to go along at the end of the day, had Brian not invited me round for
Sunday lunch. With that (entirely pleasant) excuse, I didn't have to make the
effort to make myself go and having not gone I sort of miss the whirling, the
power, the glory of the place.
Next time, for sure.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Feb 28 12:54:45 1999]--
From: (S) durable and easy to clean (steph)
Subject: Housework
f - a scroll labeled NR 9
What do you want to read? [f or ?*] f
As you read the scroll, it disappears.--More--
You have found a scroll of genocide!--More--
What monster do you wish to genocide? [type the name] bathroom mould
Wiped out all bathroom moulds.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 02 13:26:45 1999]--
From: (S) durable and easy to clean (steph)
Subject: Is
I've been feeling ill (headachey, energyless, giddy) since sometime yesterday
morning, so I've been at home since lunchtime yesterday, and will probably stay
here this afternoon in the hope that an afternoon's rest will get me back on my
feet for work tomorrow.
In the meantime I've had to sort out my Psion to be sent away -- it's developed
a few niggling cracks which I'd like to get fixed before the warranty expires
in a week or so's time -- so I've had to concentrate enough to back the silly
machine up and get it in the post. It says something about my ability to
concentrate that it took two goes to work out that I had to put the destination
address on the parcel rather than my own :-/.
I hate being off work sick. I know I don't feel well enough to work, but I feel
guilty about doing anything vaguely pleasant or enjoyable at home.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 03 22:03:15 1999]--
From: (S) durable and easy to clean (steph)
Subject: Is
Better now, so I've been back at work today doing not a great deal of any
interest whatsoever. I'm missing my Psion already, and having traced its
progress through the Royal Mail to its destination with Psion, I now have to
wait while they fix its little cracks for me. In the meantime, I'm finding
myself having to write things _on_bits_of_paper_.
Of course I keep losing them.
This evening I took a bunch of people with me to Robert Sayle to watch Simon
rubbish my choice of stereo. Unfortunately, I agreed with him and after lots of
faff decided that I quite liked one that the shop didn't have in stock.
And now I'm in a strangely apathetic mood, randomly hunting things on the web,
sitting around here (electronically on mono, physically in Queens'), and
talking to Alison about socks and cakes.
On balance, it could be worse. But we couldn't find the balance control.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Mar 05 09:31:17 1999]--
From: (S) durable and easy to clean (steph)
Subject: Is
Ooh! My Psion is back and fixed, which is an impressive turnaround given it got
to them on Wednesday morning. Serious respect to their warranty repair people
for a quick service. Together, this repair and the one I had to have done last
year when the screen broke mean that the case now features three (count 'em)
different shades of grey plastic. It's quite cool, actually...
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Mar 07 00:23:23 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Is
Nothing you can say will explain it.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Mar 07 17:53:56 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Was
Of all the colours, I noticed the red. In long lines, forming crosses, the red
was the most noticeable. I remember wondering if others saw the green or the
blue more clearly. The staff at the cafe were obviously glad to see me go; they
cleared up after me remarkably swiftly, as if to rid themselves of an unwelcome
shade that had spent too long staring into the middle distance of the carpet.
It would have been just as wet in Lowestoft as it was in Ely, but it remains
true that the first step of a journey is no substitute for its completion. I
attended Evensong in the Cathedral, perhaps seeking some resonance, some power,
some glory from the place. There was none, for I had none to give. There should
have been some feeling from the whole exercise, if only darkness and tears, but
there was nothing but a hollow, wet, flat afternoon.
Thus we remember things past.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 09 03:56:23 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Was
The best way of describing what all that was about is to use an analogy. One
which draws on an effect I don't know anyone else has experienced, admittedly,
but one which some people might understand.
When music is played too loud, as happens at some clubs, usually at the
Slimelight and occasionally at the Q, I can hear the high frequencies in the
music only as a high-pitched screech which resembles a Spectrum loading from
tape. Whether my hearing is defective or (as Quirka would have it) better than
everyone else's is a good question, but an irrelevant one; this effect exists
for me and it can really spoil my enjoyment of Slimes, Callings, and other such
events.
As my mind works very visually, I can compare that to the way I was feeling for
parts of the weekend by rotating my mental image of that problem through ninety
degrees clockwise. Got it?
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 09 09:39:08 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Was
03:31:41 <+ steph arrives from their Command Centre +>
steph 'Hello mimic'
mimic greets steph
steph can't sleep
mimic 'You're sounding very negative, steph
steph 'That's because it's twenty to four in the morning, I can't
sleep, and I sliced my toe open on a stereo.'
mimic hisses
steph 'Quite'
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar 11 12:28:22 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Is
*sigh* I hate myself when I'm like this. Willing to destroy everything and
hating every moment of it. Some day I'll destroy too much and then... I don't
know what then...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 16 17:41:20 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Is
A good magician knows when to copy another's tricks.
A better magician doesn't have to, of course...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar 18 09:55:45 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Was
It seems like I've missed writing so much in here recently. My wrists have been
worse this week than they've been for a long time, so an awful lot has had to
go unsaid. I'll attempt to remedy some of that here.
Two Fridays ago Gareth wasn't in Cambridge, so there wasn't the usual videoing
at the Gallery, and so Ben, Clare, and I went back to mine for the first game
of StarCraft in ages. With the Brood War expansion (which adds extra terrains
and units for each race, as well as having more single-player campaigns) Ben
won more convincingly than usual and so I was quite keen to be on his side
against Christi and Clare in the normal game of StarCraft which followed.
'Cause I'm a coward :-)
The following week was quite full, by all accounts. Tuesday had a very good
Calling, Wednesday had pancakes courtesy of Claire and Yasmin at Homerton, and
Thursday saw a trip with various people to see the Light
Entertainment Society put on `Charley's Aunt'. All good fun farce, and a
pleasantly different way to spend an evening.
Friday was a normal Friday again, so we went to the Gallery and watched videos.
Which was a Good Thing.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Mar 18 18:07:49 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Is
As it was in the beginning, so it shall be in the end.
This is the way it has always been, and the way it always will be.
The words we spoke then are the words we speak now.
Nothing's the same any more.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Mar 19 17:19:49 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Was
Saturday was shopping day, and so I got to the station a bit earlier than the
stated eleven o'clock so I could sit in the station cafe supping coffee while
waiting for others to appear. In due course Simon, James, Gareth, Alison,
Richard, and Becky appeared, and we took a train to London. (They didn't arrest
us because they wanted it to be there too.) There followed a fun day of
wandering around Hamleys and Camden, including a small number of acquisitions
on my part: fluorescent juggling balls from Oddballs, a Pyramix Rubiksy thing
and Tube mug from Hamleys, and an Alchemy flag bannery drapey thing from the
Black Rose. Shopped to death, Simon and I left at about 4:30 for Cambridge,
Gardies, and a ucam.chatmeet.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Mar 23 16:42:51 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Is
To someone who will probably never read this:
You're a silly pathetic little man and I despise you.
Good to get that off my chest, I feel.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 24 00:26:50 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Was
A good chatmeet, last Saturday, with a brace of new people and a number of old
friends too. Pleasantly silly bits included the signing of CDs as ersatz
beermats, and a good few quotes. Later some portion of the gathering collected
at Relativity and chatted; if I brought out my Pyramid Rubiksy thing and amused
a few people that was no bad thing. I got my new juggling balls out at one
point, and unearthed another juggler in the company who was better than me but
not as good as Simon. Cue some small amount of showing off.
Sunday was Sunday for a while, but after a short while in the pub in the
evening, it turned into Friday again, and we went back to the Gallery.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 24 00:31:17 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Was
Wind forward to last Thursday, the 18th March. This takes you to the weird
stuff edit a few above, and an apology that all this is quite so out of order
in this diary. Enough has happened that it needs to be written about but I
don't, by and large, have the wrists to do that writing. I hope that the
arrival of a dictation system at work will benefit both my hands and the
content of this diary, which has been sadly deficient in edits and quality of
late.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 24 00:32:26 1999]--
From: (S) Nothing's the same any more. (steph)
Subject: Was
Oh, but hang on, I need to wind backwards to Tuesday the 16th March because
that was the day Clare and I went to Ely. My brane hurts. Not as much as my
hands though, so you'll have to wait.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Mar 24 16:56:02 1999]--
From: ...? (steph)
Subject: Is
Darkness. Utter Darkness. Pain.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Mar 26 12:48:12 1999]--
From: ...? (steph)
Subject: Is
Altavista is strange. A search for `macbeth murdered sleep' returned the
following recommendation:
AltaVista Recommends:
Health & Sexuality > Prostate & Cancer
Patient Education > Prostate Cancer
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Mar 28 14:27:14 1999]--
From: ...? (steph)
Subject: Is
You know how it feels in Summer, when it's really hot and oppressive just
before a thunderstorm, and there's nothing you can do about it but wait for the
rain? Last night at the Gallery was like that.
I hope the feeling will have passed when next I visit.
(...and then the rain comes, and it's better for a little while until you need
the rain again, and so on and on until Autumn arrives, and the leaves start to
fall...)
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Apr 06 15:14:31 1999]--
From: (S) et bellatum est apud mononem (steph)
Subject: Is
(...and then the rain comes...)
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Apr 09 15:18:39 1999]--
From: (S) et bellatum est apud mononem (steph)
Subject: Is
So, I finally have a dictation system at my desk at work. Admittedly this
isn't yet ideal as I have to train it quite a lot and it seems rather sluggish
at times. However, there is now the possibility of hope, and at the end of the
line the possibility of my wrists getting better.
Quite possibly some more words on how my life has been recently later, but for
now I have more stuff to set up on this machine!
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Apr 12 15:22:06 1999]--
From: (S) et bellatum est apud mononem (steph)
Subject: Is
Somehow today is not a good day. While this may well be down to a slight cold
I seem to have acquired, it also means that I am not feeling at my best on an
emotional scale either. While normally I would cope quite well with this that
work, busying myself with lots of small things, I currently have the large task
before me of configuring my dictation environment and getting used to it; this
seems rather too daunting at the moment and I very much hope that this will
change. That's what hope is for, I suppose...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Apr 13 11:07:51 1999]--
From: (S) et bellatum est apud mononem (steph)
Subject: Is
More dictating, and I finally appear to have got the various volume settings
that you need for this thing sorted. Dragon appears to be behaving itself too,
and not doing completely random things far too much of the time. I've also
managed to do some useful work with the system, which has to bode well for the
future.
As has been noted elsewhere, Gareth and Simon finished Bubble Bobble last
night, on a game which I gave up on due to my wrists; I was glad to see the
end, but the whole thing brought the fact that my wrists aren't all they could
be far too much into focus and I found myself feeling rather depressed.
Nothing that a good night's sleep didn't put paid to, however and I'm feeling
quite a bit better today...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Apr 19 16:55:25 1999]--
From: (S) substitute violence (steph)
Subject: Is
So, Cambridge appears to have acquired another inhabitant. Congratulations are
clearly due to Kirsten and Jon, and no doubt I shall make small cute noises at
Benedict when I see him...
Other plus points of today include getting a local xterm on my new NT machine,
courtesy of Cygnus and a pre-compiled set of X11R6.4 client libraries. I can
now do without the clumsy and ugly Command Prompt window and live inside a much
nicer bash-oriented environment, which might almost make working with Windows
tolerable.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Apr 26 12:46:12 1999]--
From: (S) In all the wrong places. (steph)
Subject: Was
I spent a good part of last week not at work; from about Tuesday afternoon
until some time on Thursday I was at home with a cold and without the energy to
do much of any use at all. I finished watching all of Gareth's videos of DS9,
which probably tells you just how bored I was. I'm mostly better now but I'm
still feeling headache-prone and tired a lot of the time. No idea why.
On the wrist front, things have been bad again, and I'm glad that I made the
effort to crawl to the doctor's on Wednesday as I've now been referred to a
rheumatologist and have an appointment tomorrow. Whether this will be an
undeniably good thing or yet another false dawn remains to be seen.
There was a party at the weekend, although I couldn't really say much more than
that; I was there and people were there and there was some amount of
interaction between these two groups.
What else have I been doing with my life? Well, there's learning hieroglyphs
and reading through the Bible, I suppose; I'm gradually progressing with the
former and getting extremely bored by Exodus in the case of the latter.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Apr 27 14:33:42 1999]--
From: (S) In all the wrong places. (steph)
Subject: Is
Somehow that was one of the most depressing doctor's appointments I've ever
had. It started badly, with my doctor not having sent the referral to them in
time, and continued badly when I discovered that it was a private practice
(which my doctor had neglected to mention). Some faff later and I'd managed to
ask BUPA about insurance and they'd managed to get my doctor to fax his
referral through...
Then there was the revelation that my back is apparently no good, a blood test
which caused me nearly to faint, a load of x-rays, and a conclusion which
caused me to look extremely foolish.
I left the hospital feeling lost, and really quite scared. Maybe it's that
this is all getting rather serious, or maybe it was just that a stressful
situation had been made more stressful by people other than me making a mess of
things. Either way, not good.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Apr 27 22:56:24 1999]--
From: (S) In all the wrong places. (steph)
Subject: Focus
Ancient Egyptian and the Semitic language family have the same word-root for
`right-hand side', namely y-m-n. In both, the resulting words (Eg. yemen, Ar.
yaman) can also be used to refer to the compass direction that is `on the
right'.
In Ancient Egyptian, this is the West. In Semitic, it is the South.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Apr 28 15:05:54 1999]--
From: (S) In all the wrong places. (steph)
Subject: Is
Aww! My machine! My lovely old machine that used to run Ultrix and sit on my
desk! It's back alive again! Aww! *bounce* Rejoice!
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Apr 29 17:51:24 1999]--
From: (S) In all the wrong places. (steph)
Subject: Is
And the nice maintenance people have made me a plinth for my monitor so it's
now at roughly the right height for me. And it's black.
In other news there is no news. I have not yet heard back from the doctor
about my x-rays and blood tests, and I've had some amounts of wrist annoyance
since. For example, I decided I would grant myself a game of StarCraft with
Ben and Clare last night, which was all very well for most of the evening until
my wrists said "no more!" Just as I was getting into a game :-(. At some
point I will be able to take part in a game like the one which followed: played
over our dial-up link with Relativity (another geek household in Cambridge).
---------------------------------------------------[Mon May 03 12:25:49 1999]--
From: (S) In all the wrong places. (steph)
Subject: Was
Friday saw a watching of `If...' at the Gallery. A most strange film about a
boarding school, one of whose main features was the extremely strange switching
from different sorts of film: vivid colour to normal colour to quality B&W to
grainy B&W, often for no apparent reason.
Saturday saw the CUSFS party, followed by the Mulberry Close party. I didn't
feel particularly present at either, although that wasn't too unpleasant a
thing.
On Sunday I wandered over to the Warner to watch eXistenZ, which was a fun
film, although beyond its central tenet the plot was a little mishmash. I
ambled thereafter to the Gallery to be greeted, surprisingly, by Michaela.
After declining a trip to Chile, we went to Chili's for a meal instead.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 04 10:14:12 1999]--
From: (S) All things good and pure. (steph)
Subject: Was
Last night, Monday, saw me watching the snooker and `Brazil' at the Gallery
after a day spent wondering what to do with myself at home and ending up
watching 'The Simpsons'.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 04 20:32:57 1999]--
From: (S) All things good and pure. (steph)
Subject: Is
A phone call from the doctor, and it's confirmed that I have absolutely nothing
wrong with either my bones or my blood. A relief, I suppose, but it also means
that I do not have anything to blame for the problems I've been having with my
hands and wrists.
And so we return to physiotherapy, which didn't help wonderfully last time, but
it seems to be what's wanted. I'll grant that there's a slightly greater chance
of it working this time, though; last time it was a question of sticking a pin
in the Yellow Pages whereas this time I've been recommended a physiotherapist
who `has some experience in work-related injuries'. Hope, again.
Off to the Calling now, I think.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu May 06 17:11:32 1999]--
From: (S) All things good and pure. (steph)
Subject: Was
That was a good Calling. The music wasn't wonderful a lot of the time, and the
place was quieter perhaps than usual, but it was a fun evening and I enjoyed
myself. Good things :-).
On the way home I came up with something obviously right:
Pink gin drawing pin
tell Jim I'm on adrenaline
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 09 23:43:17 1999]--
From: (S) All things good and pure. (steph)
Subject: Is
So, that was a weekend, and not a bad one at that. Friday evening was spent at
the Gallery, where we watched "Have I Got News for You" and possibly something
else, but I've forgotten what for the time being. It may well have been Eraser
or something like that.
Saturday morning saw me wake up at the vaguely sensible time of 9:30, and make
my way into town by some point in the afternoon. This was good, as it meant I
could buy a cheap copy of Inversions, and notice a copy of DragonDictate going
in Dixons for 15 pounds. This is why, as the observant among you will already
have noticed, I'm able to make a diary entry outside work hours. It still
seems to need quite a bit of training, however...
Later in the afternoon I visited Alison, which was definitely a good thing,
including as it did conversation, coffee, and slinkies. It also included
something of a resolution to do more more interesting things outside the usual
stuff we tend to do a lot of the time, which would be no bad thing as far as
I'm concerned as there's no end of things that I've been wanting to do for
ages. From Pembroke I moved on to the Gallery, where it was planned to watch
Crash.
I've no idea whether this is usual, but I found quite quickly that the film's
explicit sex scenes made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Maybe I'm just a
prude, but I skipped the last fifty minutes of the film in favour of a walk to
Girton and back. The afternoon and evening meandered on after that until they
encountered the late showing of Payback at the cinema, which was a far better
prospect which also went to show that I don't always fall asleep at late
showings :-).
And finally today, Sunday, featuring chocolate orange ice cream courtesy of
Clare, a lazy afternoon just watching other people do useful things (notably
James making a start on his getopt replacement, which I appear to have named
coopt), and an evening at the pub to finish off the day. I think that counts
as a good weekend, don't you?
---------------------------------------------------[Mon May 10 13:03:01 1999]--
From: (S) All things good and pure. (steph)
Subject: Is
So far I'm not having a great deal of luck with today' designated task, namely
that of getting Dragon to interact with Unix sensibly. I really just want to
be able to type. :-(
---------------------------------------------------[Tue May 11 19:03:45 1999]--
From: (S) All things good and pure. (steph)
Subject: Is
The workmen outside the Science Park are clearly trying to confuse me. After
having annoyed me by chopping down some of the large trees near the office,
they've now gone and put them back. It's like one of those games where you
have to work out what has been removed from a tray of household objects, only
with chunks of landscape...
An otherwise dull day, which is a shame since yesterday, ending as it did with
playing games on James's BBC, was a good day and one in which I eventually got
all sorts of fun and useful things done.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon May 17 12:29:33 1999]--
From: (S) More than you wanted me before (steph)
Subject: Was
Stuff: 8mm, upgrading Debian on my machines, writing some PuTTY documentation,
strange colourful drinks with Richard, his Australian cousin, and Brian, the
grand prix, more hieroglyphs, scones in the sun, orange chicken, thoughts about
Gnome, the soundtrack for the new Star Wars film, a cuddly daemon for Ben,
Repton, XOR, watching Gareth play Tomb Raider, Clare joining us briefly for
Sunday pub, a very quiet evening in New Hall on Thursday, new samba and xemacs
at work...
Mood: good. Just generally calm, as if I couldn't be bothered to be
otherwise.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed May 19 16:50:37 1999]--
From: (S) More than you wanted me before (steph)
Subject: Things
Lara Croft made of pornography:
http://www.smalleranimals.com/tylergalleryboard/lara.jpg
Cryptography with playing cards:
http://www.counterpane.com/solitaire.html
Lunatic Europeans to allow software patents:
http://www.freepatents.org/
---------------------------------------------------[Thu May 20 22:20:41 1999]--
From: (S) More than you wanted me before (steph)
Subject: Is
Blargh. I've acquired a cold, and so gave up on trying to work at 11:30 this
morning and came home; I probably do nobody any good confusing Dragon with
croaky dictation and I appeared to be unable to concentrate on anything for
more than about 5 minutes anyway.
I've spent most of the day in bed, and watched an old Crystal Maze (with
Richard O'Brien rather than Ed Tudor-Pole - hurrah) and an episode of The
Sweeney. Fab.
(I went swimming last night, for possibly the first time in nine years, for
wrist reasons. If I'd known I'd be getting a cold I wouldn't have gone, but
hey...)
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 23 23:26:17 1999]--
From: (S) More than you wanted me before (steph)
Subject: Is
Someone I used to know has died of CJD. He was 21. Somehow that ought to be
scary, but it's not, perhaps because of mental self-preservation measures on my
part.
Someone I know (used to know better, admittedly) has had a baby. That's the
second in my circle of friends/acquaintances this year. Perhaps that ought to
be scary, but it's not. Just a sign that I'm getting old, I suspect.
I've been using my wrists quite a bit this weekend by virtue of being rather
too croaky to talk to Dragon and they've not died, although they have
complained at times. With physiotherapy starting tomorrow (this time with
someone who has special experience in the area of work-related injuries), and
the knowledge that swimming seems to help, we've got another ray of hope.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun May 23 23:31:50 1999]--
From: (S) More than you wanted me before (steph)
Subject: Jokes from the Balkans
`They liked to tell the story of the Croat, the Muslim, and two Serbs who found
themselves on the moon. The Croat claimed it for the Croats, because he said
its barren landscape resembled the mountains of Dalmatia. The Muslim claimed it
for the Muslims, because its shades of grey were exactly those of the hills and
escarpments of central Bosnia. One of the Serbs then took out his revolver and
shot the other. "Now the moon is Serbian," he said, "for wherever a Serb has
spilt his blood or lies buried is forever Serbian territory."'
-- Martin Bell, `In Harm's Way'
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jun 03 12:11:03 1999]--
From: (S) More than you wanted me before (steph)
Subject: Is
Apologies for lack of entries here; my wrists have been worse than average this
week and I've being trying to put what voice recognition have to use for
actually doing my job.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jun 03 12:19:45 1999]--
From: (S) More than you wanted me before (steph)
Subject: Lusers
luser 'Would this Java digital clock applet showing the time in London
and Washington be nice on a home page?'
steph 'Not really, and that's what the date command is for :-).
lslsua:~$ TZ=US/Eastern date'
luser 'What about people on NT?'
steph 'Z:\owendadmin> rsh lslsua -l owend TZ=US/Eastern date'
luser 'That is bollocks, and why people get RSI. Why type when I can
click twice and use my eyes. For god sake. I can't stand all this
command line crap. I bet you think windows are for getting more
command shells up.'
Fortunately he leaves at the end of the week :-)
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 07 17:38:34 1999]--
From: (S) Monosodastream Blutackmate (steph)
Subject: Is
Someone ring me if a plan manifests itself for this evening, please?
I'm going to have a nap now.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 08 15:25:58 1999]--
From: (S) Monosodastream Blutackmate (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm not doing too well at this holiday thing so far. That's two days running
I've ended up back here at home feeling depressed, although today did feature
a morning of physicists getting results, which was quite fun.
I never could get the hang of holidays.
Perhaps pizza will be a good thing for me this evening.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jun 10 17:58:37 1999]--
From: (S) Monosodastream Blutackmate (steph)
Subject: Was, Is
A better day yesterday, and a good one today.
Richard rang as I was having lunch and invited me round to his for tea, which
was great in itself (Summer Pudding - ooh), but became better when I
accidentally persuaded him to start hacking the Linux port of Repton 3 so that
it worked properly :-). In the evening we went thence to Homerton for pancakes,
which were a thoroughly good thing.
Today I failed to get up until elevenish, or do anything more than read a bit
of `The Star Fraction' before lunch. Later I voted in the Euro elections. These
silly proportional list things mean you get a ballot paper the size of Jupiter
and they have to provide a magnifying glass for you to read the text with.
Foolish, I tell you, foolish.
Thence I wandered into town to visit Clare, and encountered David there, with
whom I chatted about more Repton and Beeb-y things. He also gave me a free
lemon slice, which was jolly decent of him. Then Clare and I went off to do
shopping and anti-shopping.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jun 11 11:42:17 1999]--
From: (S) Monosodastream Blutackmate (steph)
Subject: Is
Maybe I'm supposed just to wander around and amuse myself; for a world with
lots of people on holiday there're remarkably few people actually _doing_
anything...
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jun 19 14:13:21 1999]--
From: (S) No power on earth (steph)
Subject: Is
The second week of my holiday, and it's gone rather better than the first.
There was Richard's party on Sunday, which started off badly for me, but which
improved later and ended in a generally fun way. I can't really remember
specifically what else I did when, but it included going to see the Matrix
(great fun science-fiction nonsense) and watching Blade (slightly less fun
vampire science-fiction nonsense, but still a giggle), as well as going through
the first season of Babylon 5 with some of the Gallery. There was also the
ucam.chat garden party, several barbecues in various places, a visit to the
Fitzwilliam Museum to see the Egyptian antiquities with James, finally getting
Clare to watch the first episode of Twin Peaks...
And then the Veizla, the annual dinner of Jomsborg (the University Fantasy
Society, now amalgamated with the SF society), and its aftermath at my house.
There is more to say about that, but I don't know how to say it here, or indeed
whether to. Perhaps simply conveying hugs to those concerned is the best
course.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 21 12:46:29 1999]--
From: (S) No power on earth (steph)
Subject: Is (more Was later)
An announcement:
The electricity bill which arrived this morning will be my penultimate piece of
mail. I've arranged for all my letter boxes to be sealed and will be leaving
the Royal Mail at the end of the week.
This is not a half-awake decision; I have been thinking about this for several
months. The circulars, bills, and free offers of recent weeks have reinforced
the thought that I should probably stop sitting by the front door every morning
to help myself reclaim a reasonable and balanced life, and I now have no
doubts.
Daft, perhaps, and possibly a little cruel too -- I hope I can be forgiven this
light parody -- but not that much different from all those who leave mono for
similarly stated reasons. Why do we always leap so quickly to shoot the
messenger?
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 23 11:21:34 1999]--
From: (S) No power on earth (steph)
Subject: Was
Did I mention the arrival of the Not Very Good Interval Band in Cambridge? Or
the Poohsoc garden party? I can't remember. They were fun though.
The holiday ended with Brian's party on the Saturday, and although much has
been written elsewhere about people being stressful, stressed, or otherwise not
having or creating a good time, I enjoyed myself tremendously. I wasn't
drinking, which seemed to help, and there was lots of good food and people to
talk to. I didn't leave (I thought) particularly early, but apparently before
anything "interesting" happened. Thanks to Brian for holding a great party,
anyway.
I took a detour on my way home to talk to Amf, which is always different :-).
I tried to make Sunday as normal as possible in preparation for getting back
into the swing of things for work; this entailed catching The Archers and
getting some more hieroglyphs done, followed by visiting Ben to admire his
large glass desk. It's lovely. All he needs now is a transparent mouse mat.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jun 28 10:03:50 1999]--
From: (S) No power on earth (steph)
Subject: Was
I seem to be writing this diary a week at a time these days, which is a shame
although certainly better than nothing.
Life is good at the moment, surprisingly. Everything is nice and settled and
quiet where it matters so I can get on with the fun business of being happy for
people. The details aren't wonderfully exciting: pizza on Monday, Babylon 5 on
Tuesday, staying at home and doing The Jigsaw and watching a Bond film on
Wednesday, a light gallerying on Thursday...
Friday was the fair, at which I encountered the first ever fairround ride where
when I said "I want to get off" I actually meant it. It has henceforth been
called the Death Trap. A fun evening anyway. Saturday saw lots of shopping
and the discovery that Ben had written a command line for mono, which should
help a great deal for my use of the system by voice. (It's astonishing; I
concoct vapourware and then other people start writing it...). Finally, Jacob,
Clare, and I went to the late showing of The Corruptor, On the basis that the
lead actor had a good name and the trailer had lots of guns in it.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jun 29 16:41:27 1999]--
From: (S) The snazziest syncopation. (steph)
Subject: The Tower
Twice more I have been visited over the course of these past years. After the
first time it was weeks before I could get the image out of my head: flames,
fire, and the destruction of the Towers. I wrote at the time as much as I
could remember, trying to pick out details from the whole thing; maybe I
thought I might be able to locate some of the Towers, to warn them, although I
never managed it.
Gradually, it faded away and I returned to my studies and almost forgot the
whole thing had ever happened. The summer of the year that followed was
glorious and I spent much of my time out in the forest, walking and watching
the animals, or sitting on the Tower's stone steps in the evening and staring
out at the clearing. At night I wrote many things which became clear to me,
although I read more which did not. Once, but only once, the Tower's bell even
rang. Perhaps I should have listened to it more carefully, for not soon
afterwards, I was visited again.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 30 09:15:08 1999]--
From: (S) The snazziest syncopation. (steph)
Subject: Is
Feelings of loss, discomfort, something scratching at the edges. Perhaps just
that I haven't woken up properly yet, lack of caffeine, a sore throat...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 30 11:51:31 1999]--
From: (S) The snazziest syncopation. (steph)
Subject: Web Wide Wibble
http://www.cheese.com/
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jun 30 17:25:19 1999]--
From: (S) The snazziest syncopation. (steph)
Subject: Is
So now ultimate power is mine! I can control mono by the power of voice alone
:-). Many thanks to bjh for putting together the tool to make this sensibly
possible; now I just need to configure it up to the eyeball.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jul 06 15:18:41 1999]--
From: (S) The snazziest syncopation. (steph)
Subject: Is
Alone in the office, temporarily unable to get my brain sufficiently in gear to
get useful things done, I'm led to reflect on work instead of doing it.
A housemate has been offered a job, doing system administration for a small
network of unix and NT machines, for an amount of money significantly greater
than what I get paid for my work here. It's rather a strange feeling, since
unlike most other friends of mine who may have got new jobs at various times in
the past, I know that in this case it's a job I could do just as well. I used
to think that working here had by far enough compensations in terms of a
friendly environment, and in terms of free fun hardware, but these days I'm not
nearly so sure. The world of this office has become so much more NT-oriented,
and the atmosphere so much more one of buzzword-compliance and marketing
drivel, that one might find it hard to recognise the comfortable (if slightly
old-fashioned) Unix/VMS-based company I joined. maybe that's just the way
things go in this industry... But of course, I don't feel able to change
anything, either in me (moving job while I have RSI is a no-no, and in any case
I'm not good at changes) or in the company.
I enjoy it here, and when I'm not shovelling CDs into Windows boxes following
the point-and-click road to instant stultification, I get to do some quite
interesting and challenging things. I've no idea how long that will continue
to be enough.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jul 07 17:08:01 1999]--
From: (S) The snazziest syncopation. (steph)
Subject: Is
Energy. Enthusiasm. Need some.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jul 08 16:42:28 1999]--
From: (S) The snazziest syncopation. (steph)
Subject: Is
I feel distanced from this place at the moment, and to an extent by extension
from the people who inhabit it. It will pass, doubtless...
I appear to be able to program in C. This comes as something of a surprise to
me since I've feared the language for quite some time and never believed I'd be
able to do anything sensible involving pointers. Nevertheless, I made a few
more steps along the way to being useful with the language by continuing
writing my SNTP client for NT; it now asks a server what the time is and
understands the response!
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 19 15:31:25 1999]--
From: (S) The snazziest syncopation. (steph)
Subject: Is
On my way into town yesterday, I saw the Mullah rocking his car. Well, perhaps
not, but he was wearing a white robe that certainly fitted the part, and from
his car emanated words which I had not heard for quite some time: iman (faith),
and quwwa (power). The sound of Arabic rhetoric filled the air briefly, and I
stopped in my tracks; it's not the sort of thing you expect to hear in
Cambridge...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 19 15:54:56 1999]--
From: (S) The snazziest syncopation. (steph)
Subject: Is
It's scary what you see on Gantt charts lying around the office. We appear to
be developing a Hell Interface. I knew NT was the spawn of Satan, but isn't
this taking the porting effort a bit far, guys?
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jul 19 16:38:12 1999]--
From: (S) The snazziest syncopation. (steph)
Subject: Is
On the other hand, if we had such an interface, we could send our least
favourite ISP support engineers down it.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jul 29 23:52:00 1999]--
From: (S) A change in the weather. (steph)
Subject: Is
Shaken. As if something has touched and echoed back through the past few days
leaving an unsettlement, as if there were a connection and not a coincidence.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Aug 06 10:46:24 1999]--
From: (S) A change in the weather. (steph)
Subject: Was
And so it continues, and general discomfort seems to be everywhere in my life
at the moment. I resolved at the beginning of the week that I would make this
diary more of a diary: a record of the things I do from day to day. Monochrome
died a death, however, and so I was thwarted in this and all the things I had
thought of saying remained unsaid and are now lost.
The important thing, or rather what I wish were important (for it represents
something of a success) is that I completed Curses at the weekend. This
strange little text adventure has been bothering me for well over a year, so
I'm quite glad to have put it to bed. Of course, in an attempt to have
something to do for the next year or so, I've had to seek out another game and
have selected Christminster. Written by someone I used to go to a Writer's
Workshop with, and with a delightful picture of traditional Oxbridge, it's
already won me over and I'm already stuck :-(
The other (and much more important) thing which happened at the weekend was the
Wedding Celebration of two friends. On Pembroke library lawn they made
promises to each other in front of their friends and family and they are off
this coming weekend to Hungary, where they will coincidentally (probably not,
actually, one of them being an astronomer) be able to see the full eclipse of
the sun which is happening at some point next week.
Monday saw the usual pizza gathering, followed by a visit to Haagen-Dazs (gosh,
Dragon knows about it) for some truly wonderful ice-cream. It has been quite
some time since we had ice-cream after pizza on a Monday, and it almost reminds
me of the good old days, when the pizza meet was much larger than it now is...
The cold of the ice-cream was greatly appreciated, for the heat on Monday was
worse than I remember it's having ever been; when I stepped out of the office
that lunchtime, a huge wave of heat struck me just as it did when I stepped out
of the plane onto the tarmac at Tel Aviv. Thank God for egg conditioning.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Aug 09 11:13:57 1999]--
From: (S) Egg conditioning (steph)
Subject: Is
Even the very unobservant among you will not have failed to notice that
particular piece of Dragon gibberish, which I somehow failed to notice before
it made it into this diary. I shall leave it there, however, because it's fun.
Egg conditioning indeed.
Apart from including a walk down the Fen Road on Tuesday, there wasn't a great
deal more to be said about last week. It has been a good weekend though; South
Park and Stuff on Friday Evening, shopping and Babylon 5 on Saturday (followed
by a visit to Richard's in the evening), and the gloriously silly Austin Powers
on Sunday. A word of caution about this film, though: it seems to be something
that you either love or find unbearably tedious. I loved it, but Gareth was
much less impressed.
More Twin Peaks in the afternoon, which is always good fun, and the evening
ended with a bunch of people thrashing out ideas for a text adventure while
others played a racing game on Gareth's Playstation.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Aug 24 14:30:45 1999]--
From: (S) Egg conditioning (steph)
Subject: Is
That's quite a lot of absence on monochrome's part and on mine, but I don't
seem to have noticed much. I go through phases of feeling affinity towards
various means of communication, and perhaps monochrome just isn't in favour at
the moment. It wouldn't be the only thing; of late little has seemed to matter
to me to any great extent, and there's no reason for that. "Nothing" would, it
seems to me, be a very poor answer to Mr Morden's question. There's just a
vague dissatisfaction with things, which occasionally becomes slight
depression.
I'm sure more should be able to be said about the missing time, but I can't
think of anything. Perhaps I've just been asleep for two weeks and not
noticed.
Babylon 5 and Twin Peaks continue apace for the second and first times
respectively, and my hands are painful once more.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 01 17:49:17 1999]--
From: (S) Paxie paxie double-double paxie (steph)
Subject: Is
All this world of mine, and not a hand to stir it... Sometimes it seems as if
there are no more choices, as if we follow paths laid down for us millennia
before. Sometimes it seems that those paths are dangerously to an edge or an
end.
"Three will walk through the fire, and one stand alone."
That's been popping in and out of my head for a while now. I wonder what it
means.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 01 22:39:05 1999]--
From: (S) Egg conditioning (steph)
Subject: Is
"Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it."
I had hoped to watch only a couple of Babylon 5 episodes at the Gallery this
evening -- somehow it seems as if it has been going by too fast -- but as it
turns out we watched none for the tape that had been labelled `Vol 27' was in
fact `Vol 26' under heavy disguise. A trip to Woolies' to complain is in
order, methinks.
We watched Dark City instead. I had seen this slightly odd SF intravaganza
before, but somehow (and in spite of lots of memorable imagery) I'd forgotten
all about it in the meantime.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 01 22:39:40 1999]--
From: (S) Egg conditioning (steph)
Subject: Ooh
My nameline's gone walkies. I could have sworn I changed it earlier this
evening...
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Sep 03 12:32:20 1999]--
From: (S) Paxie paxie double-double paxie (steph)
Subject: Is
Ah, a day off work after a three-day week, with a four-day week next week. I
think I need small holidays like this once in a while... I tend to lose all my
motivation and start shouting at people otherwise.
In other news, I've been reading all about coffee and now I have lots of
enthusiasm for going out and buying a new grinder and some beans, not to
mention trying out lovely recipes involving coffee, orange, and chocolate. Yay
:-)
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Sep 08 15:49:14 1999]--
From: (S) Paxie paxie double-double paxie (steph)
Subject: Was
I had a small triumph yesterday, which after a fashion makes the depression of
the evening rather unusual. In response to having received a telephone call
from one of the directors of this illustrious company for which I work, last
Friday evening, at 6:45, while I was on holiday, I told work that I no longer
have a telephone at home. This may seem a small thing, but it's significant; I
seem historically to have been rather bad at standing up to authority, but was
damned if I was going to let them bother me at home without paying me for the
privilege.
The early evening had some strange television in it: an episode of "The
Simpsons" in which Bart sells his soul, and one of "Voyager" where the Doctor
tries to teach Seven to date. Both very strange and the latter quite soppy.
Perhaps that put me in the wrong sort of mood for the Calling later in the
evening -- I don't really know but it is possible -- when I gradually slipped
from being slightly lacking in things to say towards being unhappy and
remembering things from the past. Whatever the cause, some thanks are due to
Clare for hugs and to Cadburys for chocolate.
On the way the home I occupied myself by counting the number of people who have
left work since I started here.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Sep 23 17:31:20 1999]--
From: (S) Paxie paxie double-double paxie (steph)
Subject: Is
A long absence, again, and I note the changes to this place on my return. At
first I wasn't sure they sat well with me, but as often with changes I've found
them to the a sign of growth rather than loss. Perhaps, though, that shouldn't
mean anything.
Autumn is here, season of rain, darkness, and leaves. I love it. For one
thing it signals the return of University term, of those who have been away,
and of regularity for those who have not. For another it means that I am still
here after six years, and gives cause to ponder whether I will still be here
after 10 years in Cambridge, and what I will be doing if I am.
I've changed, I think, and although I don't think I'm entirely happy with the
changes I suspect they are here to stay for a while at least: I am less
connected to the world around me, for one thing; things don't seem to touch me
or matter to me as much as ever they used. I seem somehow more argumentative,
more brash, as if the world has been chipping at my smooth corners to produce
rough edges. I have gained far too much ability to dislike people and lost (or
so it sometimes seems) a lot of the tolerance I used to have. I can't say for
sure what has changed this, but Autumn is my traditional time for revelations
and repercussions so perhaps I just need to wait a little for everything to
become clear. Hello, Autumn.
In other news, my wrists are more painful than they have been for quite some
time and I suspect returning to the physiotherapist is in order, following a
resolution to do something good for the free software world every day I have
made small changes to Simon's PuTTY program, the local university newsgroup
ucam.chat seems to be regaining some of the feel of its earlier years, and I
still haven't done anything much to ameliorate my life at work.
I daresay that this long entry will be followed by a longer silence, but
silence is golden, so they say. Dragon disagrees; it believes silence is
Oldham.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Sep 24 01:59:18 1999]--
From: (S) Paxie paxie double-double paxie (steph)
Subject: Is
A game of Mao which caused one of the players to take his failure to understand
my rules rather badly (and then to claim they were `bad rules' because he
couldn't get them) leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, and reminds me how my
initial judgements of people are so often far too generous. It's happened
before, and it'll happen again, but it's no more pleasant for that.
On the way home, at 12:35 GMT, aliens invaded Radio 4 FM. They went away again
shortly afterwards though.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 04 17:46:48 1999]--
From: (S) Homo Sapiens Interest Group (steph)
Subject: Is
Back on the physiotherapy again, if anyone is still interested after nearly 10
months' worth of my wrist problems; I know I am thoroughly fed up of it, so it
wouldn't surprise me if everyone else were too.
Lost, but for me there is not the recompense of "found"... Everything seems so
flat these days: without emotional pain, for sure, but with very little joy,
either. It is a warning that I could well have been wrong wishing so often
that times were less interesting, for now it seems as if the boredom is a worse
enemy than I had thought possible.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 06 23:25:26 1999]--
From: (S) Homo Sapiens Interest Group (steph)
Subject: Was
A Calling last night that didn't, I suppose, go as well as it should. It had
the right ingredients: good music, a cheerful mood from me, and lots of people
including James who was back in Cambridge instead of back in Cirencester
because of the Paddington train crash blocking his route. As often happens,
however, I gradually sank into myself and ended up leaving some time after
12.
I really must work out what it is about me and this sort of thing. Suggestions
range from the loud music (causing conversation to be very hard, and thus
causing feelings of isolation) to the darkness, but I suspect it's something a
lot less easily identifiable than that: something within me. It is amusing to
note that I appear to think of my cognitive therapy last year as `training' of
some sort; on the way back home to GreenEnd afterwards, I caught myself
thinking `Remember your training'. My subconscious has evidently watched Star
Wars more often than is good for it.
Subject: Is
Today's been a not-bad day. That's always a relief when you're worried about
this sort of thing lasting, and I'm sort of paranoid like that.
Babylon 5 watching this evening has taken us into season four, and episodes
I've seen mostly only once. It bears watching again, and seems if anything
better this time than it did last. Possibly that's the company I'm watching it
in, for negative comments can sometimes really detract from my enjoyment of
something.
On the home front, Austin would appear to have returned from AT&T and then Red
Hat. He moves out soon... All change...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Oct 07 11:24:02 1999]--
From: (S) Homo Sapiens Interest Group (steph)
Subject: Is
Now that's the sort of problem I really like solving. Symptoms: a PC user is
unable to access a file system via samba. Resolution: restart the NFS
subsystem on one of our VMS machines. It's the chain of reasoning between the
two that's interesting to observe, because it seems over time to have become so
automatic while remaining logical and methodical. It is also good to realise
that those powers of deduction are still alive and well within me; the
preponderance of NT problems which are effectively impossible to solve by
observing the evidence had made me doubt this from time to time.
(Something positive, for a change, and about work too... Wonders will never
cease to amaze me.)
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Oct 14 10:45:45 1999]--
From: (S) Lowest highest point (steph)
Subject: Was
Sunday saw a game of Illuminati, which seemed to go down well with Clare and
Amf who hadn't played it before, followed by a pub meet in the evening.
Tuesday evening was the new real ale society squash, which I went to because I
not only have a non-zero interest in beer, but also live in the same household
as Steve who set the whole thing up and hence have had plenty of encouragement
to go along. Apart from there being fewer people there than would have been
ideal, it was fun and the beer (particularly the Milton Brewery's delightfully
named "test brew No. 2") was good. I was actually able to distinguish the two
different beers on offer, which always strikes me as a good sign with allegedly
acquired tastes. Of course, with David, Diana, and Matthew Vernon there, there
was quite an amount of nargery too :-).
Wednesday evening was Babylon 5 evening at the Gallery, and we're already up to
"Into the Fire", which seems awfully soon to me. Still, the episode was still
very powerful and I still appear to be soppy enough to have shed a few tears at
the departure of the elder races. It would be fun, it seems to me, to create a
work of fantasy or science fiction which works the other way, and sees the
magic coming into a world...
I have neglected to say anything about work; I lack the insight to recognise
what the problem is and the courage to do anything about it.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Oct 17 03:39:01 1999]--
From: (S) Lowest highest point (steph)
Subject: Is
`I am a man quiet in obsession and loud in frustration.'
`It is better not to try than to risk winning.'
`Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.'
So, a nearly alcohol-free (and completely Clare-free, *mutter*) ucam.chat meet
brings on a new wave of dark foreboding. The universe would do best to resolve
this by preempting any action of mine with something deeply depressing and
utterly final.
I don't see what I'm complaining about (nor do you, probably, dearest reader,
but what is it worth to me to care?) since I've been yearning for life to be
more interesting for quite some time. Hahahahaha.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Oct 17 03:41:49 1999]--
From: (S) Lowest highest point (steph)
Subject: Is
If I were really enthusiastic I'd now stay up and watch the Grand Prix. If I
were slightly less enthusiastic I'd video it and watch it tomorrow. Since I'm
feeling crap I can't be bothered to care so I'm just going to go to bed...
Perhaps, as always, the world will be better in the morning when I'm mnot quite
so tired.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 18 00:12:49 1999]--
From: (S) Lowest highest point (steph)
Subject: Was
And indeed it was, after a fashion. I think we can put much of the depressive
thoughts down to tiredness on the walk home in the cold, and think little more
of them for now.
Subject: Is
Twin Peaks in the afternoon took us onwards into the next phase of the story,
as in fact with B5 earlier in the week as we finished the Vorlon/Shadow
conflict with `Into the Fire'. There are strange feelings as the respective
series start spinning along their new axes: feelings that almost make you want
to start watching them again from the beginning to work out why it feels so
different now from in the beginning even though we viewers have seen the plot
develop all the way...
We followed that with food, the Paxman/Gates interview, and a game of Stratego.
All fun things, but after Saturday's late night I was tired and took the
opportunity to cadge a lift home from Amf when he left.
Subject: Will Be
I have not been paying enough attention to some of my plates. That is going
to change. Of late have been wobbling very worryingly and it is as yet
uncertain whether I can set them spinning cleanly once more and avoid any
broken crockery.
I am not good at forgetting things. My past is hard enough to forget parts of,
but when I am called to forget the future I really have no idea how to start...
Perhaps these things are best left to themselves, or to the experts, or to my
opposite numbers.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 18 00:21:52 1999]--
From: (S) Lowest highest point (steph)
Subject: Was (Games)
There was another game played last Sunday apart from Illuminati. Here's how to
play:
1) Establish.
(A) (B)
Establish each of (A) and (B) as a clear entity, excluding connections and
connotations.
2) Weave.
__
/ \
(A) \ (B)
\_/
Weave a figure of eight between (A) and (B), carrying some from each with you
as you weave, and leaving some with each as you pass.
3) Bind.
(A)===*===(B)
Bind (A) and (B) firmly with a bidirectional link. If this seems not to be
strong enough, bind each to the centre point and the centre point to each and
repeat.
4) Focus.
(Ab) (Ba)
Focus on what of (B) is left in (A) and what of (A) is left in (B). Focus on
the combination of (A) and what remains there of (B) and on that of (B) and
what remains there of (A).
5) Observe.
Watch for interesting results. You may need to stir the mixture and take care
to wash up immediately afterwards. Serves many. Best accompanied by alcohol
and a pinch of salt.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Oct 18 00:23:40 1999]--
From: (S) Lowest highest point (steph)
Subject: Is
You're not necessarily expected to make anything of that, really. It just
seemed pretty.
And for everyone's information, I'm currently avoiding real coffee as an
experiment to determine whether there's any connection between it and my RSI;
if anyone can remember when I bought my coffee machine I'd be grateful if they
could tell me...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 20 21:58:10 1999]--
From: (S) Lowest highest point (steph)
Subject: Was
Catching up again in here... Monday evening was spent at Clare's instead of
with the usual Geek Pizza crowd, and it was by and large fun and relaxing
enough apart from my being betrayed by my clumsiness (and ending up with a lap
full of tomato sauce, but what else are washing machines for?). Fearing
Student Sainsbury's on an early evening, Clare and I had gone beforehand to the
Newnham Co-op to buy ingredients and biscuits, walking across Lammas Land where
I had not been since Clare lived in Owlstone and there was cause to venture
into that area of town. It brought back quite a few memories, unusually enough
happy ones without vast reams of accompanying regret.
After food (a meal I probably could have prepared, which may yet provoke me to
try to learn to cook), there were biscuits and an unexpected XDMCP broadcast
storm, as well as conversation with Ben about the Computing Service and other
such things; I don't know, but if the opportunity arose, they might be fun to
work for some day.
Tuesday evening was a Calling, and lo and behold I had a good time, without my
mood deteriorating around elevenish. Although the music was slightly too loud,
there was a fair amount of good stuff and quite a lot of people there: a
combination of plenty of regulars and some new people too, I suppose.
I got back at about one to find a drunk Steve failing to understand my
newly-arrived stereo, and after a small amount of exasperation I left him to it
and went to bed. I suspect he gave up on the voice activation feature
eventually.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Oct 22 10:40:43 1999]--
From: (S) Lowest highest point (steph)
Subject: Was
I didn't do anything on Wednesday evening. Actually, that's not quite true,
but I did spend the evening alone at home, feeling slightly ill, watching
television, reading, and finally going to bed early. It must have done me some
good since I felt rather better by the following morning.
Thursday (yesterday) saw the weather become much better than the cold days of
late, as it became both slightly warmer and spent most of the day raining. I
much prefer this sort of weather, where it's a constantly dim light level
outside and slightly wet; in an odd way the decrease in ambient light level can
have a positive effect on my mood. In the evening, at the science fiction
society social gathering, we acquired a real fresher which has to be good. We
appear not to have scared her away either. (I will confess to some slight
confusion whenever this red-haired black-wearing slightly shy person failed to
speak with a Scottish accent, mind...)
Subject: Is
And as if to confirm my suspicions about the dim weather being good for me,
it's brighter today and I don't feel nearly as productive.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 26 01:21:49 1999]--
From: (S) Imperial Cancer Restaurant (steph)
Subject: Was
`I woke up and dreamed last night...'
After a Science Fiction society formal hall at Queens' and an ensuing Asimov
discussion, I had a fitful night's sleep and found myself continually awake and
thinking. I was thinking of good things, though, so that was alright.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Oct 26 11:32:05 1999]--
From: (S) Imperial Cancer Restaurant (steph)
Subject: Is
I may well have convinced work that spending of the order of L600 on an
ethernet card for a SparcStation is something of a waste of money, and that
buying a new PC to do the same job (with Debian rather than Solaris) is clearly
a far better bet. This is a Good Thing, since it'll greatly simplify getting
the thing up and running, as well as making keeping it up-to-date a lot easier
as well.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Oct 27 16:53:55 1999]--
From: (S) Imperial Cancer Restaurant (steph)
Subject: Is
I wonder why I feel so lonely at the moment. It isn't as if I don't have lots
of friends, and a fair few close friends, but there's nevertheless some sort of
lack, and a feeling that friends are distant at the moment. I know of ways to
fix that distance and feel close to people again, but it doesn't help the
immediate case and the sensation of loneliness. Last night I fixed this by
creating in the living room a place where I wanted to relax, and with gentle
music and dimmed lights I read for a while. Then I was only alone.
I overload people, I think, add too many extra roles (real and imagined) to the
way I think of them, and end up clouding the issue when what I really want is a
friend. It is one of my greater failings.
Subject: Was
Monday evening. A living room filled with deeply appropriate music for a
conversation about magic, the spiritual, and the soul. I was pleased to find
that my definition of the soul chimed true with others; maybe it is something I
should elucidate here at some point.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Oct 28 15:58:10 1999]--
From: (S) Zokathra (steph)
Subject: Is
Argh! Samba has decided it doesn't like me any more. I try to configure it on
Digital Unix 4.0f and it tells me:
ERROR: No locking available. Running Samba would be unsafe
Now I'm sure it never used to do that.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Oct 28 17:55:25 1999]--
From: (S) Zokathra (steph)
Subject: Is
And just in case I thought there might be a way out, binary distributions seem
not to exist. Ah well, time to start peering into matters I ought not to wot
of (of which I ought not to wot?) and work out whether it's actually telling
the truth in any way at all...
In the meantime, PuTTY now has a saved sessions submenu off the system menu,
which is a source of a few warm fuzzies for me. IANA programmer, but it's nice
to make a difference from time to time.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Oct 29 01:23:51 1999]--
From: (S) Zokathra (steph)
Subject: Is
I think I may skip CUSFS for a few weeks. This evening, in New Hall bar and
later at Relativity, I felt slightly out-of-place as if I didn't quite belong,
and found flaws in all my interactions with others. It's symptomatic of the
way things are at the moment, really.
And it's not as if I've any shortage of other people to devote my time to. I
feel uncertain of what I really want and of where I'm really going, and it
probably shows. Above and beyond anything else, good friends are probably what
I most need at the moment.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Oct 29 11:58:19 1999]--
From: (S) Zokathra (steph)
Subject: Is
How does one persuade people that something Just Doesn't Work Properly, and
that it'd be foolish to use something broken in this way, let alone to rely on
it?
Whenever _anyone_ tries to do something with this weirdo NT NFS server, there's
a whole raft of permission denied errors and bizarre quirks that (if I let
them) would cheerfully consume all my time at work. Why they can't just get
some disc space on a Unix machine and NFS export data from there is a little
beyond me.
I'm at the `I'm sorry, it's broken, and it almost certainly won't be fixed'
stage of the game, which is never a good place to be.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Oct 30 02:20:38 1999]--
From: (S) Zokathra (steph)
Subject: Is
A good evening, I think. After physiotherapy, I went to Queens' for coffee and
crossword (the particularly bad Varsity one) with Clare. We went from there to
Manhattan Drive, and I went on alone from there to the Gallery to watch `The
Dark Crystal', which I haven't seen for far too long.
Simon, James, Emma, and I were joined in this by Vicky. The same Vicky, it
turned out in later conversation, who went out with one of my friends from
school some few years ago, and who I distinctly remember making disparaging
remarks about one of my jumpers in the Racehorse in Northampton once...
It is a small world. It is also a small jumper, slightly, but _I_ still like
it.
(I also managed to work out why Vicky puzzles me slightly; it's that her face
sometimes reminds me a little of Andy.)
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 01 12:39:09 1999]--
From: (S) Zokathra (steph)
Subject: Was
What have we been up to, then, eh? Well, there was Saturday afternoon shopping
with Clare, which was a Good Thing, even if the sky was permanently overcast
and on the verge of rain. Later, there were flapjacks at Manhattan Drive, and
an opportunity to observe a pair of legs that Ben had made out of Lego. They
didn't quite work for walking, possibly because they were too floppy at the
knees, but they were definitely close to being able to.
In the evening was the GreenEnd party. I'd been a bit worried that nobody
would turn up, but that fear was allayed by the arrival of many people about
half an hour in. Lots of different groups of people, who knew each other via
lots of different routes, made it a fascinating exercise in observing the
interactions of different social networks, and they also managed to drink all
of the firkin of beer Steve had laid on for the occasion.
I let myself be persuaded to watch the Japanese Grand Prix that same evening,
which was a generally good thing but did mean I was ludicrously bleary by
Sunday morning...
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 01 12:47:27 1999]--
From: (S) Zokathra (steph)
Subject: Is
Oh yes, the nameline. The friend of mine whom Vicky went out with was one Alex
Whitehead, who introduced me to Dungeon Master and Chaos Strikes Back on the
Atari ST. These wonderful 3D maze puzzly fantasy games occupied many hours of
my time way back when, and while I finished Dungeon Master, I never really got
anywhere with Chaos Strikes Back.
Anyway, `Zokathra' was the name of a spell from those games which, however
powerfully you cast it, created a weightless glowing stone...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 02 13:02:27 1999]--
From: (S) Zokathra (steph)
Subject: Is
So far so good. Having persuaded people here at work that paying 600 pounds
for a second ethernet card for an old Sun was not worth it compared to getting
a new machine for little more, I have a shiny new machine on which I am
cheerily installing Debian. It's going to replace our old firewall/everything
machine, and will also have the honour of being the first machine bought here
to run Linux.
So far everything's just worked.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Nov 04 15:23:47 1999]--
From: (S) Zokathra (steph)
Subject: Was
I went to the Calling on Tuesday evening, and had a thoroughly good time from
beginning to end. After having been pestered by portions of ucam.chat, LNR
came along and appeared to enjoy herself, and there was a large selection of
the usual suspects there as well. The music was good (although as ever
slightly too loud, and my ears are still ringing :-( ) and there were several
points where I almost wanted something dull to be played so I could have a
rest!
It's good to know I can still enjoy myself properly, without getting unhappy
half-way through the evening.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Nov 10 17:09:39 1999]--
From: (S) Zokathra (steph)
Subject: Is
Oh. I've just accidentally destroyed the edit that was to go here in a freak
attack of pressing Alt-Gr+4 at the wrong window.
Oh well. There were fireworks on Friday, but the only non-busy pub in town had
a musician, so a pub gathering after the fireworks was something of a let-down.
Not a great deal else to report, really, apart from boring stuff about
computers that you're not really interested in.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 15 10:13:58 1999]--
From: (S) Hy-der-a-ner-tuh! Hy-der-a-ner-tuh! (steph)
Subject: Was
So, I appear to be 25. I had a birthday party, complete with balloons and
jelly and ice cream and chocolate and Mao and stuff, and it was great fun. I
have to admit to feeling something of a spoilsport when I was too tired to
carry on at 4:30am, but people there seemed to enjoy themselves so that was OK.
I got presents, too: a glass candle jar with an eye on it from Clare, lots of
Lindt excellence white chocolate from Andrew M., and some Bendicks mints from
Rjk. All good things. Oh, and I have L50 of book tokens from my parents to
spend. Happy happy happy.
The day before, my birthday proper, was a fairly normal work day but with
Emma's (that's Emma-Emma-Gareth's-Emma, not Emma-Emma-ELB-Emma, although EEGE
is an ELB as well) production of `Patience' by Gilbert and Sullivan in the
evening. I've not seen any G&S before, but this proved that (a) it's easy to
follow what's going on, and (b) it's funny, so hats off to the `Patience' crew
for a great show.
The day before that, my final day of being 24, was quite fun as well. Various
circumstances took us to Selwyn rather than the usual Relativity after the
CUSFS New Hall Bar meeting, and there I discovered that one of the people I
know is living in Dan Sheppard's old room. Real deja-vu time, but it was no
less a good evening for that.
If I go any further back in time I shall collide with the previous diary entry
coming forward, so I think I shall stop here.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 15 10:16:56 1999]--
From: (S) Hy-der-a-ner-tuh! Hy-der-a-ner-tuh! (steph)
Subject: Is
Argh. I've left my reading glasses at home and am having to use a VDU with my
normal glasses. Quite apart from the headache this gives me, it means I keep
taking my glasses off when I get up from my desk, and then wondering what I did
with my real glasses.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 15 10:36:47 1999]--
From: (S) Hy-der-a-ner-tuh! Hy-der-a-ner-tuh! (steph)
Subject: Is
Argh. Unexpected praise moment. A little while ago I set up a droolproof web
interface for users to configure their forward files on our Unix systems,
because I was tired of having to do it for them. One of our directors has just
popped his head around my door to say how brilliant it is.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Nov 16 11:22:46 1999]--
From: (S) Parallel Games (steph)
Subject: Is
steph 'It's quite simple. White has just moved, and so now it's
Black's turn. Only when Black has moved can White move again.'
steph 'Yes, but we're not playing a straightforward game here, are we?
Black doesn't actually have to make a move at all. Perhaps Black's
best plan is to test White by being passive, to see what White
wants.'
steph 'Or perhaps White is already testing Black with a challenge to
move. Failure to take up that challenge could lose Black the game.'
steph 'Match a challenge with a challenge, then. If both players make
it clearer what they want this'll all become a lot more clear-cut.'
steph 'Or a lot more complicated. Oh, I don't know. What do you
think?'
windom merely rustles his newspaper disconcertingly.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Nov 18 10:37:29 1999]--
From: (S) Parallel Games (steph)
Subject: Is
mimic 'There is no Black and White, only Grey'
fragment 'Unhelpful'
amf 'Ahem.'
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 22 16:55:13 1999]--
From: (S) Parallel Games (steph)
Subject: Was
steph 'Oh, to hell with it.'
steph sets fire to the board.
steph stares into the flames that engulf the game.
Subject: Some time later...
steph 'Did you really mean to do that?'
steph 'After a fashion. You see, now the white pieces are charred and
black, and the black pieces are covered in ash and are white.'
steph 'But the board, frankly, is a bit of a mess...'
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Nov 22 17:05:04 1999]--
From: (S) Something's Shining (steph)
Subject: Was
I'm too lazy to catch up properly this time, so for more on last week's Calling
(to which I dragged Matthew Vernon, although he seemed a little out-of-place
there to me), the Thursday evening late showing of The Wave at the ADC (after
which I went back to Vicky's room in Jesus for coffee), the pizza gathering on
Saturday, and Sunday evening's Mao game, you can consult <MLNANAKIN>, which
will tell you at least some of what you might want to know.
Oh, and I sent off a form today.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Nov 26 12:06:04 1999]--
From: (S) Pullet Surprise (steph)
Subject: Is
And another form today. There's a remote possibility that for the first time
in a few years I'll have been organised enough (just!) to join an Eastercon.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Dec 02 17:38:13 1999]--
From: (S) Sexy Symmetry (steph)
Subject: The Tower
I dreamed that I awoke to a glorious morning, and set out into the woods that
surround this place. I remember I was making progress, beginning to feel out
in my mind the outline of a path, a Way, and thence a means of reaching out to
contact others. I have always known that there are other Towers, and others
within them who studied as I do, even though I have never had any proof, and it
had always seemed natural to seek to find them and share with them all that I
had learned. That day, in that dream, I found some measure of proof.
She was walking in the woods as I was, apparently deep in thought as I was, and
as surprised at our meeting as I was. Certainly not the one who had visited me
before, but somehow familiar nevertheless. I spoke, and she looked up, and as
all the light faded from the world around, her eyes were fire. She did not
speak, but rather made me know. She made me know that the Towers would burn
and that I would be the one who started the fire, that a Darkness was coming
and that I would be the enemy. She made me know the pain she felt that her
Tower would be destroyed and that her work would be for nothing, and she made
me know that she had charged herself with the duty of revenge on behalf of all
the others. She moved towards me and embraced me, and the flames engulfed us,
becoming hotter and fiercer until the pain was unbearable.
I awoke in the Tower to the sounds of a thunderstorm outside and spent the day
staring out through tears at the rain.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Dec 06 23:45:13 1999]--
From: (S) Sexy Symmetry (steph)
Subject: Was
On Friday evening I was quadruple-booked. The choice had been between Star
Fleet Battles with David (which we moved to Tuesday because of the clash),
pizza and booze with Vicky, bakewells with Gareth, and food with David McKnight
along with a chance to see Lanfear for the first time in ages.
Understandably, I opted for the last, and had a good evening out in cold Cherry
Hinton
By contrast, Saturday was a day of failures. Eleanor, Richard K, and I had
decided on Friday evening to go and see `The World is Not Enough' that day, and
they were going to mail me to let me know when we were going to see it. I'd
hoped to meet Clare in town after lectures and by consequence be able to read
mail from her room. Alas, I'd forgotten that lectures were over for the term
-- failure one -- so of course she wasn't there. Realising this I went
undeterred to the library in the centre, which did indeed turn out to have a
collection of net connected computers. They were locked down so you couldn't
escape from Internet Explorer, but they would let you use telnet. I was just
about to sort out arrangements for the afternoon when an old bat appeared
behind me and said `Oh, telnet? You can't use that. It interferes with our
firewall.' I boggled a bit, argued a bit, and eventually left in quite an
annoyed state. Failure Two.
I discovered the time of the film via phone in the end, and tried visiting
Vicky in the intervening time. Of course, she was still recovering from the
previous night's alcoholic endeavours. Failure Three, so I went and had a cup
of coffee outside the cinema while I waited for people to arrive. When they
did, we found the film was sold out all day. Failure Four.
In the end I made my way to Manhattan Drive, which turned out to be a good
move. Not only was there food, but there was an alternative to both of the
evening's parties (Brian's and the CUSFS party), neither of which I felt I had
the emotional energy for: we played Kings and Things, which is a superb game I
must clearly play again. And I'm not just saying that because an astounding
quantity of luck caused me to win.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Dec 07 09:25:29 1999]--
From: (S) The Devil I Know (steph)
Subject: Is
`blah blah blah insufficient experience blah blah blah have decided to
readvertise blah blah blah'
Which just goes to show that it sometimes pays to be a pessimist.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Dec 08 16:57:43 1999]--
From: (S) The Devil I Know (steph)
Subject: Was
Sunday afternoon's routine was broken by the welcome intervention of Clare with
the suggestion that we go for a walk somewhere. After a bit of finding our
bearings, we made our way over a clangy (but not jammy) railway bridge and
through some fields towards Cherry Hinton. You could almost have been forgiven
for thinking it was one of those villages that don't really exist where
everyone knows each other and goes to church; there was a vast horde beyond
belief either going to or coming from the church was we got there.
The way back wasn't quite so picturesque, going as it did down Newmarket Road,
and by the time we got to the Grafton Centre (for me to buy some slippers, of
all things) the cold had got to me in the form of a spiky headache from hell.
Gobbling paracetamol, I gradually recovered as Clare and I returned to
Manhattan Drive.
Thence with Ben to the Maypole for food and mulled wine (mmm...) and thence on
my own to the Gallery, where `Goldeneye' was watched. That was Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Dec 09 17:02:15 1999]--
From: (S) The Devil I Know (steph)
Subject: Was
Monday evening wasn't particularly noteworthy: pizza as usual, a gathering at
Relativity as usual, port as usual.
Tuesday evening was spent at David's, playing Star Fleet Battles for the first
time in a couple of years. It's pleasing to know I'm just as useless at it as
ever I used to be, and that I still enjoy it anyway.
As usual, Wednesday evening was Babylon 5 evening. 'Nuff said.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Dec 09 17:11:46 1999]--
From: (S) The Devil I Know (steph)
Subject: Thoughts
There's not enough time for it all these days. Not enough time at all. There
are so many people I wish I could be spending time with and so many things I
wish I could be doing, but there aren't the days in the week for all the things
I already do and all these other things and people.
I suspect there aren't easy answers to this, but I can at least apologise a
bit, perhaps. If you're reading this and you're wondering why I never call
round, why you don't see me for days on end, why I don't come to your society's
meetings, why I don't join you to see films, have a drink in the pub or go to
parties... well, I'm wondering that too. I'm so tied up in routine and regular
things that I don't find time to pop in to see you, that you won't see me for
days on end, I can't come to your society's meetings, join you to see a film,
have a drink, or go to parties. Sorry...
But please don't stop inviting me for all that, for even the very best of
routines come to an end.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Dec 09 17:29:16 1999]--
From: (S) The Devil I Know (steph)
Subject: Is
Depression strikes. In the absence of hugs I go to seek hot chocolate.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 10 15:35:48 1999]--
From: (S) The Devil I Know (steph)
Subject: Is
Don't you just love the combination of bizarre failures and user idiocies that
makes up life as a sysadmin?
malloc failed: bucket size = 8192, #of failures = 1, ra 0xfffffc0000297948
malloc failed: bucket size = 8192, #of failures = 257, ra 0xfffffc0000297948
malloc failed: bucket size = 8192, #of failures = 513, ra 0xfffffc0000297948
...and...
Finding big files...
Report...
User: xxxxxxx = 481.45Mb
438.52 - /usr/users/xxxxxxx/nsmail/Trash
21.04 - /usr/users/xxxxxxx/nsmail/Inbox
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 12 03:51:57 1999]--
From: (S) The old truths speak loudest (steph)
Subject: Is
A Green End Party. But we strip away the circumstances and leave the events.
There are those I love. There are those who have seemed sometimes to express
affection for me. Through talking and following my inklings, I conclude that
said affection is just random cuddliness on people's part and not directed
particularly at me. Thus it can be discarded, cuddliness regarded as simply
quite pleasant, and life can be considered simple.
We must thank Clare and Ben for hugs and help (unwitting or otherwise) in the
deductive process.
Nothing changes, and that's good.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 12 14:05:05 1999]--
From: (S) The old truths speak loudest (steph)
Subject: Is
The aftermath of a Green End party, and once Marisa, Fanf, and Vicky have
awoken from their various slumbers around the house and gone home, things
return to nearly-normal. Now I've discharged my duty by doing at least some
tidying and washing up, I can happily leave the rest to my housemates and do
whatever else I might want to do of a Sunday afternoon. Which, now I come to
think of it, is to go via Manhattan Drive to the Gallery to finish off Twin
Peaks.
So yeah, endings and beginnings. It is good to have friends, is it not? Even
if, maybe, only for a little while...
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 12 14:18:43 1999]--
From: (S) The old truths speak loudest (steph)
Subject: The Darkling Thrush
I leant upon a coppice gate
When Frost was spectre gray,
And Winter's dregs made desolate
The weakening eye of day.
The tangled bine-stems scored the sky
Like strings of broken lyres,
And all mankind that haunted nigh
Had sought their household fires.
The land's sharp features seemed to be
The Century's corpse outleant,
His crypt the cloudy canopy,
The wind his death lament.
The ancient pulse of germ and birth
Was shrunken hard and dry,
And every spirit upon earth
Seemed fervourless as I.
At once a voice arose among
The bleak twigs overhead
In a full-hearted evensong
Of joy illimited;
An aged thrush, frail, gaunt, and small,
In blast-beruffled plume,
Had chosen thus to fling his soul
Upon the growing gloom.
So little cause for carolings
Of such ecstatic sound
Was written on terrestrial things
Afar or nigh around,
That I could think there trembled through
His happy good-night air
Some blessed Hope, whereof he knew
And I was unaware.
-- Thomas Hardy, at the end of the 19th Century.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 12 23:45:47 1999]--
From: (S) The old truths speak loudest (steph)
Subject: Was
`Happy Mono birthday to me!' for the 11th, which I mysteriously forgot to note
here.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Dec 12 23:50:41 1999]--
From: (S) The old truths speak loudest (steph)
Subject: Is
Twin Peaks is ended, even if not really finished in any useful way. It's left
me feeling vaguely unsatisfied, for there's really too many open questions for
it to be regarded as any sort of conclusion. I want to watch the next episode
and find out how the new things we've encountered are dealt with, but there is
no next episode. This is all no less disappointing for the fact that I'd been
told at the beginning that there was no proper conclusion.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Dec 13 10:28:35 1999]--
From: (S) The old truths speak loudest (steph)
Subject: Is
*sniffle* I've got some sort of horrid cold, so I'm stuck here at home, banned
by my conscience from doing anything useful (since if I were able to do
something useful, I could just as well be at work). *sigh* I guess now is as
good a time as any to play nethack while I sip Lem.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Dec 14 14:28:44 1999]--
From: (S) The old truths speak loudest (steph)
Subject: Is
And it got worse, too. From normal coldy thing to alarming almost real illness
type, complete with waking up sweating and shivering and dashing to the loo to
throw up (but in fact not doing so and instead passing out on the bathroom
floor for a while). Getting up was fun this morning as well. The first three
times it went: get out of bed, feel faint, fall over, crawl back into bed.
Ah well. At least there's no way on earth I can feel guilty for not being at
work today...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Dec 14 14:40:37 1999]--
From: (S) The old truths speak loudest (steph)
Subject: Is
And of course I now have nethack 3.3 on my VAX:
$ nethack33 :== @foreign_root:[games.nethack33]nethack
VMS is a good platform for things like this. Unlike the many curses problems
Unix nethacks have been known to suffer, VMS's handling of terminals is nothing
short of superb. (Probably to be expected, actually; if anyone is likely to
know how to drive a DEC VT* properly, it's going to be DEC...)
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Dec 15 11:22:35 1999]--
From: (S) The old truths speak loudest (steph)
Subject: Is
Back at work today, for the last time this year. I'm still not feeling 100%,
but probably well enough to patch a few Solaris machines and leave instructions
on how to do the rest.
And then I'm on HOLIDAY! *bounce*
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Dec 15 15:53:37 1999]--
From: (S) The old truths speak loudest (steph)
Subject: Is
My metabolism has been going like crazy today. I woke up at 4am absolutely
famished so had an early breakfast and went back to bed. I was hungry again by
breakfast time at 8am, so had another couple of bowls of cereal. By 10am at
work I was hungry again and had a Marathon bar from the chocolate machine, and
by 11am I was hungry once more and ate a Turkey and Stuffing roll. I then had
lunch at 1pm and I've just had another Marathon.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Dec 16 13:04:36 1999]--
From: (S) The old truths speak loudest (steph)
Subject: Is
`Any Gallery not in a standard Mao of 52 is a spare evening of Badgers.'
There was Mao last night at the Gallery, with Steve, Simon, and myself
introducing Vicky to the noble game. She seems to have taken to it quite well,
by all accounts, and apparently even enjoyed it :-)
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 17 10:58:37 1999]--
From: (S) The old truths speak loudest (steph)
Subject: Is
I still haven't quite recovered from being ill, it seems. After yesterday
afternoon's (only vaguely useful) Christmas shopping, I wandered back home via
Manhattan Drive, on the basis that I had some time to fill before the evening's
CUSFS and I hadn't found anyone around in town.
Ben and Clare were there, as was Jon, and all was sort of well except that I
felt sort of queasy and sort of lonely and couldn't really account for either.
I didn't have much of an appetite at dinner, or the social energy to break into
the conversations between Jon and Anna (who came round at some point in the
evening) about various obscure rock music; I set off for home very shortly
after Ben and Clare went to bed.
The sort of unhappy mood associated with being ill is a strange thing, and in
me it is self-reinforcing, for it is hard to ask for hugs and sympathy when
there is little or nothing to ask for sympathy _about_.
Sleep heals, a bit.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 17 15:33:53 1999]--
From: (S) Almost, at times, the Fool. (steph)
Subject: Nameline
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous --
Almost, at times, the Fool.
-- T.S. Eliot, `The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock' (excerpt)
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 17 17:38:14 1999]--
From: (S) Almost, at times, the Fool. (steph)
Subject: Is
*fx: shuttles between wrapping things and checking mono*
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 17 19:13:57 1999]--
From: (S) Almost, at times, the Fool. (steph)
Subject: Is
*fumes*
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 17 19:49:53 1999]--
From: (S) Almost, at times, the Fool. (steph)
Subject: Is
*explodes*
I'll apologise when I'm less annoyed.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Dec 20 16:46:25 1999]--
From: (S) Almost, at times, the Fool. (steph)
Subject: Is
Desmond Llewelyn's dead :-(.
Which made his last appearance as Q in `The World is Not Enough' (which I saw
this afternoon) a slightly sad event. Still, `always have a backup plan': the
introduction of R (John Cleese) as Q's assistant. I suspect, with a little
restraint on the part of the scriptwriters -- the temptation must be to use
Cleese as an Instant Comedy Generator [tm], where the comedy should really come
from the gadgets and Bond's fiddling -- Cleese will make a good gadget-man.
Anyway, I enjoyed the film a lot. Judi Dench as M got to do something more
than sit behind a desk, Robert Carlyle made a good villain, and Brosnan's Bond
got to do slightly more than the usual film's worth of bullet-dodging. All
good fun.
`Pay attention, 007...'
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Dec 21 13:55:25 1999]--
From: (S) Pay attention, 007... (steph)
Subject: Is
Bored bored bored. This is the real problem with holidays in the work world
rather than the school world: everyone takes the blighters at different times.
While this is all well and good from the point of view of anyone wanting to
catch up on all the little things they wanted to be doing around the house,
it's not so wonderful if you enjoy company.
Still, I'm making progress through Cryptonomicon, and keeping going at NetHack
in spite of it being a thoroughly annoying little game, so my time at home is
not utterly wasted. Also, I've got work's Christmas party bash this evening,
which stands a non-zero chance of being fun.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Dec 21 13:57:45 1999]--
From: (S) Pay attention, 007... (steph)
Subject: Full moon tonight.
And tomorrow night, the brightest in over a hundred years, as moon, earth, and
sun reach their closest point. It's probably important in some stargazers'
scheme of things, but for me it's just another full moon and a matter of note
for NetHack.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Dec 22 18:00:31 1999]--
From: (S) Pay attention, 007... (steph)
Subject: Is
Nearly the end now. All presents that are going to be bought have been bought
and pretty much everything that's going to be done before I go off to my
parents' for a few days has been done. I've even managed to locate year 2000
patches for my VMS system from Digital's ftp site, so there's even less I can
think of that might go wrong next year.
All in all, things are nicely wrapped up. All that remains is to see a few
friends this evening and then have a Christmas.
Which means I won't be writing in here until the 27th or thereabouts, so have a
Merry Christmas!
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Dec 27 15:35:33 1999]--
From: (S) Pay attention, 007... (steph)
Subject: Is
And now I'm back in Cambridge. More, I suspect, later.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Dec 28 13:50:29 1999]--
From: (S) Radiation Condensation Wurglewurgle (steph)
Subject: Was
Sooo, Christmas. A quiet one, at that, since it was just my parents and me at
home in (wet, windy) Wellingborough. My brother wasn't there for various
reasons, not least among which was the fact that he works in a pub and was
therefore working on Christmas Day.
I didn't do a great deal while at my parents'. Apart from walking around
Sywell lake and half of Pitsford Water with my mother, the holiday was mostly
spent vegetating in front of the television and reading. (And I'll admit, if
pressed, to playing the odd bit of NetHack on my Psion...)
And presents? Notably a fibre-optic glowy lamp thing, a nice warm fleecy
jackety thing, a tape of Alan Bennett's `Talking Heads', Jeremy Paxman's `The
English', and a strange butler-shaped object for holding bottles. Also notably
a huuge crossword poster from Clare, which I really need to find an appropriate
bit of wall for.
Good things...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Dec 30 14:48:28 1999]--
From: (S) Radiation Condensation Wurglewurgle (steph)
Subject: Is
When the weather gets tough the tough buy more wooly jumpers. Debenhams sale
has netted me a big warm wooly thing (which doubtless looks gharsterly, as
somebody will equally doubtlessly point out) and a pair of Thinsulate gloves.
While Debenhams did have Thinsulate gloves disguised as ordinary wooly gloves,
just as Simon described to me yesterday, I tried them on and they were as bulky
as a very bulky thing, so I opted for a plain-clothes pair instead.
I have a slight whinge about Debenhams, actually. They have a jumper
department, where (you might suppose) you can peruse their range of jumpers and
select the best, warmest, whateverest jumper available. On selecting one, the
rest of the store turns out to have forty-eight thousand more jumper
departments for other brands of jumper, and you then need to traverse the whole
store to put back the jumper you thought you wanted in favour of the new,
better, warmer, whateverer one you've now found...
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Dec 31 13:39:37 1999]--
From: (S) Radiation Condensation Wurglewurgle (steph)
Subject: Is
There's a very strange global feeling about it, as the beginning of the year
2000 sweeps its way across the globe. From some tiny bunch of islands you've
never heard of in the Pacific to New Zealand and Sydney, and onwards through
Indonesia, Asia, Africa and Europe, until it hits Greenwich about ten and a
half hours from now. In spite of not initially feeling particularly moved by
the media hype about the dawn of a new millennium, I find myself with a very
definite feeling of something ending, and something new beginning in its place.
It's not often we have such an excuse to take stock.
Happy New Year.
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jan 01 13:23:19 2000]--
From: (S) Radiation Condensation Wurglewurgle (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, that was a good New Year's Eve party at Relativity, with lots of
champagne and many geeky types, including a bunch of gatecrashers from the
Computing Service ;-).
I got drunker than I usually do, I think it's fair to say.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 03 02:46:27 2000]--
From: (S) Radiation Condensation Wurglewurgle (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm unsettled, and as yet unwilling to let go of it and go to sleep. However,
I can't think of a good way to express what I mean here, so I shall have to...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jan 04 10:03:41 2000]--
From: (S) It stole a +2 sleep cycle. (steph)
Subject: Is
Back at work, and I'm immediately reminded of one of the principal bad things
about working here, namely that the feel and smell of the building makes me
feel vaguely ill. And of one of the other bad things, namely the stream of
people on my phone and at my door all insistent on stopping me getting anything
useful done.
In other news, I found my first Y2K bug of the working year about twenty
minutes ago. (A boring date printing bug in calamaris, if you must know.)
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jan 04 12:33:20 2000]--
From: (S) It stole a +2 sleep cycle. (steph)
Subject: Is
Second Y2K bug found at 12:30. The VMS news system seems to like submitting
articles to our main news server with a Date: line of:
Date: 4 Jan 100 12:28:41 +0000
A bit more serious, this, since it actually stops people posting news from VMS,
but it's also rather outside my remit so I could just decide not to do anything
about it ;-)
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 05 00:03:15 2000]--
From: (S) Y2K bugs found so far: 2 (steph)
Subject: Is
Eek. Steve's acquired a PlayStation, and GreenEnd will never be quite the same
again.
Eekeek. I've just spent most of the evening trying to build SSLeay on VMS. I
must be mad.
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 05 16:27:11 2000]--
From: (S) Y2K bugs found so far: 4 (steph)
Subject: Is
Today's been an odd day. I started off this morning being really quite
radically productive, adding a new search engine to the external web site,
fixing up some of the various log parsing things I've got running, writing some
documentation for various systems. This afternoon, though, I was struck with
an attack of flashy lights in my left eye and I've had to spend much of the
rest of the afternoon in darkened rooms waiting for the flashing to go away.
Rather annoying.
And finally, an advert on AltaVista asks me:
Do you support the death penalty?
* Yes * No * Depends on circumstances
Yes, I support the death penalty, irrespective of circumstances. Shoot 'em,
shock 'em, poison 'em, and string 'em up if they still seem to be moving.
I mean, what sort of a daft question is that?
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 06 09:58:34 2000]--
From: (S) Y2K bugs found so far: 4 (steph)
Subject: Is
I'm getting lost somewhere in the deep dark twilight zone between gcc on VMS
and the box of delights that is OpenSSL on VMS. It's driving me completely
potty. And why am I doing this? Because I want an ssh server for my VMS
machine, because it would be nice and a Good Thing.
*sigh* Sometimes wanting simple things leads you to realise that they're not
quite as simple as you thought...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 06 16:39:26 2000]--
From: (S) Y2K bugs found so far: 4 (steph)
Subject: Snack Shortcake
I'm always slightly sceptical about chocolate bars based on biscuits, partly
because there are too many based on unpleasant wafer-type biscuits, and partly
because they don't seem nearly as satisfying as their `grown-up' cousins: Mars
bars, Marathons, and the like. Nevertheless, Cadbury's managed to grab my
attention with the bright yellow wrapper for their Snack Shortcake, so I'll
give it a try. I'd wanted a chocolate bar, though, not `6 Milk Chocolate
Shortcake Biscuits', each roughly the size of an After Eight. One of the
biscuits is barely a mouthful, and the taste is overwhelmingly that of
sickly-sweet milk chocolate. Other than being crunchy, the shortcake biscuit
contributes nothing, and I'm left with the distinct impression that Cadbury's
could have done far better than this.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 06 17:04:16 2000]--
From: (S) Y2K bugs found so far: 4 (steph)
Subject: Is
Today's geek gong goes to PGP for the Psion, which appears from my initial
experimentations to work just fine. It works by having `hot keys' which
operate on the contents of the clipboard, so it can effectively be used from
almost all EPOC applications; if I'm in Email, I write the text, select it all
(^A), copy it to the clipboard (^C), encrypt it (shift-Fn-E), pause to select
the recipients, and paste the result (^V).
Nice, if a bit slow on my little Series 5 ;-)
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 07 08:36:54 2000]--
From: (S) Y2K bugs found so far: 4 (steph)
Subject: Is
*yawn* There are reasons why getting up at 7am in order to be at work at eight
is a thoroughly good thing: you get to see the sky being gorgeously red over in
the east, and the reflection of that red tint on all the buildings. On the
other hand, I could really have done with an extra hour in bed...
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jan 09 14:20:28 2000]--
From: (S) Y2K bugs found so far: 4 (steph)
Subject: Is
A good party at Richard's last night, with a fair selection of people I hadn't
seen in a while, and a good mix of some of the usual crowds.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jan 11 17:19:21 2000]--
From: (S) Y2K bugs found so far: 4 (steph)
Subject: Is
I had a silly idea on Friday night, namely to use smbclient from a CGI script
to graft a portion of Windows NT filesystem to a Unix-based web server. I
cobbled something together quite quickly and was quite surprised to find the
whole thing worked. I prodded it a bit more on Sunday, got it doing
Content-Types and suchlike, and over the course of yesterday and today it's
acquired a whole bunch of other knobs and whistles, most notably the ability to
browse remote SMB directories.
It's a grotesque hack, and is lacking in lots of ways, notably its complete
inability to report errors at the moment, but it's a sort of futureproofing; by
avoiding URLs like file://\\box\docs\repository\ideas.doc (which will only work
on NT, rely on box continuing to exist, and are really quite ugly) in favour of
e.g. http://www/docs/repository/ideas.doc , we can ensure that the URI stays
the same over time, however the files are really accessed. (I _hope_ that
won't always be my grotty perl script!)
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jan 11 17:21:25 2000]--
From: (S) Y2K bugs found so far: 4 (steph)
Subject: Is
(Writing it has highlighted quite how useless I appear to be at getting regular
expressions right without endless quantities of fiddling, though. Something I
must work on, I think.)
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 12 10:46:09 2000]--
From: (S) Y2K bugs found so far: 4 (steph)
Subject: Dreams
A couple of nights ago I had a very odd dream. I dreamed I was working for
Unix Support and they'd taught me this really weird way of visualising computer
systems as a collection of cubes of various colours and textures which moved
around according to what was happening. I kept getting squashed by a big nasty
black cube which apparently represented smbclient.
Last night I dreamed, too, but all I can remember is that I was trying to help
a blind woman out of a field full of dog muck; she couldn't find her own way
because I'd stolen her guide dog (which was a small yapper-type dog) just some
moments previously.
Make of such things what you will.
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 13 10:11:31 2000]--
From: (S) knowledge access pc nodes (steph)
Subject: Is
Vleargh. Life is too grey and dull. I want to go back to bed.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 14 17:35:45 2000]--
From: (S) knowledge access pc nodes (steph)
Subject: Is
I've solved a mystery today. Over the course of the past couple of years I've
been working here, a particularly competent co-worker frmo customer support has
occasionally popped into my office and asked a question of the form `Do you
know about <foo>?' where <foo> is some Unix-related thing. I've usually
answered yes and she's said `OK' and left with no more questions.
Today I had my brain working at the right time and remembered to ask her why.
It turns out that her beloved is a sysadmin and takes some amount of pride in
knowing things other people don't know; every time he says `I know <foo>', she
says `I bet I know someone else who knows <foo>', and then asks me.
This is great fun, of course, because I quite like the fact that I know things
others don't as well, but really quite strange to think about...
---------------------------------------------------[Sat Jan 15 15:38:42 2000]--
From: (S) knowledge access pc nodes (steph)
Subject: Is
I've also solved another mystery, as it happens. When I brought my radio back
from my parents' house in Wellingborough, I forgot to bring its power supply
with it, so when I got back to Cambridge I bought a replacement one from
Dixons. Since then, though, the sound has been slightly fuzzy regardless of
how well the radio is tuned. I'd begun to think that it was some unpleasant
fact about the new power supply, but when I got round to checking yesterday the
true cause of the problem was revealed: I'd forgotten to adjust the power
supply from its default 3V to the 4.5V the radio requires. Silly me.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 17 12:34:13 2000]--
From: (S) knowledge access pc nodes (steph)
Subject: Is
Vleargh. Life is too grey and dull. I want to go back to bed.
I don't quite know how to analyse this. I strongly suspect that it's that
I'm not giving enough exercise to certain parts of my mind and they're becoming
restless as a result.
There was a time, a couple of years ago or more, when I was trying to find some
sort of direction for my `spiritual' side. It brought in a lot of thinking,
reading, and generally being observant about the natural world around; it
brought some degree of contentment. Over time it lapsed, though, and nothing
really replaced it.
More recently, I started trying actively to engage the academic, linguistic
parts of me. I read a fair bit about ancient Egypt and started learning
hieroglyphs, and it was great fun. I found I lacked the time to continue doing
it on a regular basis, though, so that too has lapsed and not been replaced by
anything else.
Thing is, I feel that if I don't do these things I'm really quite a boring
person. I feel that I ought to have a wide variety of conversational topics on
hand, and that the only thing I usually have anything to say about (computers)
is something of a horrendous cop-out and furthermore deeply uninteresting to
the vast majority of people.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 17 16:51:25 2000]--
From: (S) knowledge access pc nodes (steph)
Subject: Is
Ah, such a lack of motivation. I haven't had such an utterly useless day since
07/09/1752...
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 20 16:39:19 2000]--
From: (S) Darkness Ascending (steph)
Subject: Is
I think I am coming down with some sort of illness. I can't attribute all of
the useless feelings of this week to the fact that I've been thinking about
other things (notably my Perl/Tk GROGGS client, which is gradually coming
together in spite of most of it being really vile code) or to the fact that I'm
not currently very interested in the various small Windowsy things I'm finding
myself doing, and with slight giddiness on occasions today, I suspect there's
something physical there as well.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 21 12:41:38 2000]--
From: (S) Darkness Ascending (steph)
Subject: Is
Well, one of my co-workers has come down with something and is off sick today,
so there's _something_ going around. I seem to be vaguely OK at the moment, so
maybe I've been let off this current phase of the Dreaded Lurgy.
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 21 15:03:54 2000]--
From: (S) Darkness Ascending (steph)
Subject: Is
Work's BUPA bill has been increased significantly `due to a high claims record
for the past two years', and the excess that individuals have to pay before
BUPA start contributing to the cost of health care has gone up to L100. Now, I
strongly suspect that I'm largely personally responsible for this, since I've
made as much use as possible of this company perk in trying to care for my
hands, so I feel slightly as if I should be blamed for having done so; my use
of the service has made it more expensive for everyone else. However, clearly
such perks are there to be used, and in my case it's been used with the aim of
making my hands better and more useful to the company.
---------------------------------------------------[Sun Jan 23 12:36:57 2000]--
From: (S) Darkness Ascending (steph)
Subject: Is
I've had a good weekend so far. Friday evening saw crosswording with Clare in
Queens' (Varsity seemingly having given up on crosswords, I bought a Grauniad
on my way into town from work), and progressing from there to the Gallery for a
vague slouch, before Clare and I went to see Dogma at the Warner. Everyone
else, it seems, has already seen this and recommended it, so now I'm pleased to
be able to report that it is indeed great fun. What's it about? Erm, angels,
mostly, with a superb Metatron. Oh, and Alanis Morrissette as God.
In spite of having got back to Greenend at 3am, I found myself awake at around
nine the following morning, and gradually dragged myself out of the house into
town. Although we'd planned to at least try to go to the Fitzwilliam Museum,
there was instead an afternoon of shopping.
By the evening, though, I was feeling tired and slightly ill, and much though I
wished in the end that I could go to Emily's party at Blinco Grove (since
everyone else was going, and I really don't like feeling left out) I didn't
really have any sensible option but to go home to bed. I really should have
taken Clare's advice and had a cup of hot chocolate, too; I didn't sleep very
well.
Now, as I give up on organising my filing system (having discovered that the
suspension files I bought yesterday have tabs that will not fit in the drawer
of my desk, and bent half of the metal bits of said files trying to recover
from a files-trapped-in-drawer situation) I'm back to the feeling I've had for
much of the rest of this week: downbeat, slightly despairing, unsettled.
Suppose I'd better try and find some people, to see if they can help me shake
myself out of it, really.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 24 17:59:17 2000]--
From: (S) Darkness Ascending (steph)
Subject: Is
It's illness, pure and simple. I've been headachey and bleary all day (and off
work, as it happens). Hope it goes away soon.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 24 21:15:11 2000]--
From: (S) Darkness Ascending (steph)
Subject: Is
Too ill to go to pizza this evening, I'd been taking some comfort in the fact
that the post-pizza gathering was likely to be here at Green End; with Steve
needing to be here to start the video recording `Gormenghast' and my being
stuck here, there seemed reason enough to have it here, and it would have
been good to see friends. In spite of this, though, they've apparently gone to
Relativity. *grumble* Of course (as was amply proved last week) if people had
come to Green End, those at Relativity would have complained, so I don't
suppose there was a right thing to do.
I now have to decide if I feel I'm well enough to go to Relativity. Oh hang
on, no I don't; having mentioned to some people who won't have been at pizza
that a post-pizza gathering was likely to be here, I'm obliged to stay here in
case they turn up. That takes care of that decision, I suppose.
---------------------------------------------------[Mon Jan 24 21:21:16 2000]--
From: (S) Darkness Ascending (steph)
Subject: Is
Do you think I should worry? Very recently I've been finding myself more than
usually absent-minded, completely forgetting even important things people tell
me and failing to perform correctly some of the most routine tasks.
For instance, yesterday I set about making myself cheese toasties at the
Gallery. Bread. Cheese. Power. Wait a bit. Inspect. Ooh, the cheese has
all escaped. Hang on, that'll be because there's no top layer of bread.
Admittedly I was feeling ill at the time, but the sort of illness that saps my
strength and gives me headaches seems to be becoming increasingly common.
Beyond my jokey protestations of advanced age, it actually does concern me that
I might be losing my marbles...
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jan 25 11:45:00 2000]--
From: (S) Darkness Ascending (steph)
Subject: Is
Back at work, and don't I wish I wasn't... Sometimes the commercial world
really gets me down, particularly when it consists of hour-long meetings with
people who give me the strong suspicion they don't know what they're talking
about most of the time. It makes me edgy, defensive, and confrontational when
I'd do better just to nod quietly and let it wash over me.
Just for a flavour, here are some of today's buzzwords:
Java web technology e-commerce virtual presence portfolio
Maybe it's all entirely reasonable, and maybe they know exactly what they're
doing and talking about. Maybe their minimum bandwidth usage estimate is
accurate. I have my doubts though.
---------------------------------------------------[Tue Jan 25 14:59:43 2000]--
From: (S) Darkness Ascending (steph)
Subject: Is
Ah, now _that_ is more like it. Crisis squid cache tuning. Lovverly.
You see, I don't mind stress when it's the right kind of stress. Meetings and
suchlike where people are just being damnably clueless are the wrong type of
stress. Fiddling with a web cache whose internal mathematics have stopped it
working when everyone in the building is wanting to waste time browsing the
web, _that_ is the _right_ sort of stress. And it's fun :-).
However, I've overdriven my hands a bit in the process, so I'm going to take a
short break now...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 26 08:33:59 2000]--
From: (S) Darkness Ascending (steph)
Subject: Is
Now that was a good Calling, and it's left me feeling a lot more energetic and
cheerful than I was before. Full of beans, as my family would put it. Perhaps
the good feeling won't last, but it'll be good while it does. *bounce*
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 26 12:12:20 2000]--
From: (S) Darkness Ascending (steph)
Subject: Was
Oh yes. Dreams. I've been playing Tomb Raider a bit over the past few days,
and perhaps not entirely surprisingly I've been having dreams about it. What
is surprising is the bit of the game I've been having dreams about. It's not
the running around and jumping on things bit, it's not pulling levers and
slotting cogs onto axles, and it's not even the lamentable Ms. Croft herself.
What I've had dreams about is the game's user interface...
*sigh*
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 26 16:47:32 2000]--
From: (S) Under a brighter sky (steph)
Subject: Is
Oh glory, the main server just crashed. Fortunately it came straight back up
again, but it's annoying nonetheless...
---------------------------------------------------[Wed Jan 26 23:22:09 2000]--
From: (S) Under a brighter sky (steph)
Subject: Nameline
`I never want to lose what I have finally found
There's a requiem, a new congregation
And it's telling me go forward and walk under a brighter sky
Every nerve glowing like a firefly...'
-- Delerium, `Euphoria'
---------------------------------------------------[Thu Jan 27 09:28:18 2000]--
From: (S) Under a brighter sky (steph)
Subject: Is
Hmm. I suspect I should actually do some work, rather than spend all my time
reading Eviltwin's diary. (If you've not encountered this, go and read it
immediately, as it puts my feeble efforts to shame.)
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 28 10:23:48 2000]--
From: (S) Under a brighter sky (steph)
Subject: Day alif plus seven hundred and eight
Thus a new page is turned, and this part of this diary is concluded.
`Babylon 5 was last of the Babylon stations. There would never be another. It
changed the future and it changed us. It taught us that we have to create the
future or others will do it for us. It showed us that we have to care for one
other, because if we don't, who will? And that true strength sometimes comes
from the most unlikely of places. Mostly, though I think it gave us hope that
there can always be new beginnings, even for people like us.'
-- Babylon 5, `Sleeping in Light'
---------------------------------------------------[Fri Jan 28 10:25:46 2000]--
From: (S) Something's Shining (steph)
Subject: Is
E N D O F P A R T T H R E E